Split up....

Hello everyone...

I did not know what to put as the title of this, but its going to be a very long post so theres your warning:

About 5 years ago, my sister started dating a guy who I didnt really approve of, but she didnt know about this. My sister ended up moving in with this guy and his family because she and my mom fought constantly. This guy is bad news, well known drug dealer who thinks thats his ticket in life, he thinks drugs are going to support him in his life. My cousin started dating the brother of my sister's boyfriend. Because of the reputation of the family, my family really does not like the boyfriend's family.

We're going to fast forward a bit here to when my sister and her boyfriend broke up, they split because he was cheating and using harder drugs and not telling my sister, he would also get really aggressive and threaten to kill her cat or smash things that belonged to her if she left. During the break up, my sister's boyfriend said **LANGUAGE WARNING** "Their family is just a bunch of crazy s" this spread like wildfire, mainly by my aunt who told my grandparents who got extremely angry over it, my sister and her boyfriend got back together and nobody could let what he said go and held a grudge on him for it.

My cousin and her boyfriend ended up having a kid together, and people found out that they were doing really hard drugs such as heroine and pills, she cheated on her boyfriend with their drug dealer and they broke up and she wanted nothing to do with their kid, her family wanted nothing to do with her. The brother got help, he wanted to be a better father to his child even to the point where he was bringing his kid to visit my family despite knowing they did not like him, he knew it would be important for the rest of her family to know her.

October rolls around and my grandmother tells my mom that my sister's boyfriend wont be allowed over, my mom explains to her that this will make my sister not feel welcome and my grandmother sticks to her guns. My grandparents hate both of the boyfriends at this point, mainly because my cousin said that her boyfriend beat her(and had no proof to support this claim).

Thanksgiving rolls around and despite the family wanting nothing to do with my cousin up until this point and despite the fact that she got back together with the father of her kid who supposedly beat her, they both got personal invitations to have Thanksgiving dinner at my grandparents house. We had planned on having Thanksgiving at my parent's house because we knew my sister wouldnt feel welcome at my grandparents, so for the first time in 28 years we didnt go over to my grandparents for thanksgiving. My sister ended up finding out that my cousin got a personal invite and nobody had called us or tried to fix anything with us so that we would go over there, needless to say, my sister was hurt and she called me and was crying...now if your baby sister calls you and she is crying, you are going to be livid with the person who made her cry, no matter who it is.

I ended up posting a status on Facebook where the jist of the status was "I am very hurt by certain members of my family today, I dont know why we cant just let things go because where people are getting older, we never know what holiday or day will be our last". My grandparents found out about this and got so angry that not only did they not want to talk to me or my sister, but they even ignored my parents.

It got so bad that on my birthday when I went to visit my parents, my sister and I had to go over to my grandparents house and personally apologize, my grandfather was extremely childish about the whole thing and my grandmother got into a screaming match with my sister because my sister ended up telling her how neglected she feels (my grandmother never really liked my sister). By the time we left, things were pretty much the same and my sister was crying and she asked my grandparents if they were still coming to our Christmas Eve party that we have every year and they said they werent sure.

Things still didnt get any better, and on Christmas Eve my grandmother showed up without my grandfather and she had told my other aunt and uncle who werent even involved in this about how my sister screamed at her for no reason at all and how upset it made her, and my mom told my grandmother that there would be no talk of drama, it would be a drama free night, and whenever my mom was out of the room, my grandmother was continuing with the drama.

The last time I had talked to either one of my grandparents was on Christmas Eve. Nobody has called me or even tried to get in touch with me, my parents have tried to get my grandparents to hang out with them and take them out to eat so they can all spend time together and my grandparents declined each time. My dad, who hadnt said anything through all this sits there and wonders why his sister and his parents hate him when he didnt do anything to anybody. My grandparents and I were really close, I used to call them twice a week, visit them at least once a week, and my old rule used to be "If my grandparents dont like the girl I am dating, she cant stay", they often told me that I was the only grandchild who visited or called them anymore, and they have basically disowned me because I posted about my feelings being hurt.

I graduated from college last week, and didnt want to march because I didnt want to be disappointed when I looked out into the crowd and saw who wasnt there, or to feel like the only reason people were there was to save face. My mom told my grandmother this and it made my grandmother upset and very sad, but she never called me to say anything.

Memorial Day weekend is coming up, and my grandparents have always had a cookout to celebrate the weekend and my dad's birthday, they arent having it this year......

My grandmother told us the night we went to apologize "I am nothing without my family" yet she has done nothing to fix any of the drama and she has done nothing to stop any of the drama from continuing.

I have already decided that I dont want anything to do with my grandparents anymore, but it breaks my heart to see my dad go through all this, to feel like his own parents and sister hate him when he didnt even do anything wrong.

I want to call my grandparents and give them hell, but like my therapist and many of my friends said "What would it accomplish?". I just dont want to see my dad hurt any more, even though they were so mean to him when he was growing up, he still loves them and wants to see them and they are treating him like he doesnt matter and that makes me very angry.

I want to scold my grandparents, to tell them how badly they screwed up and how they are the reason the family is torn apart....but what goo would it do? Hell, my grandfather held a grudge on his own brother for so long that the only time he actually called him was when his wife died and they hadnt spoken in 3 years. Its clear that it takes a death in the family to make people start talking again, at least as far as my grandparents go.

Think very hard about how important it is for you to fix things. If you really, really want to make amends, you need to go to their house and make up to them. Don't argue with them, don't start anything, just be humble and explain that you miss seeing them and wish things could go back to some semblance of normal. Leave your sister out of it for now; she needs help for her drug problem, and it's pretty clear that she and your grandparents are toxic together at the moment. You'd be surprised what just reaching out gently can accomplish.

That said, it could come at a cost. Your sister could feel that you've turned against her, your grandparents could start trying to turn things around, and this whole thing could be for naught. But if it's so important to you to fix things for your dad, then it may be worth the risk.

Also, in the future, keep family drama off of social media. It never stops the drama from happening, it exposes everything to your friends (which could include bosses, business connections, etc.), and in general makes you seem like a shady sort of person.

The only way I know to mend things with people who are averse to conditions, admissions or demands is to remove those elements from your interactions. Offer them your time and attention without asking anything of them, and see where it gets you. If they raise it, apologize for your post, which humiliated them and was poor judgment on your part, and be sincere about that. Skip asking them to commit to anything going forward--they are not there yet.

There is no such thing as instant bridges. If the price of doing business with you is too steep for them, they're not going to engage, so decide which is more important--having them in your life on their terms, or not having them in your life.