How do I talk to my family?

I apologize for the lengthy post in advance.

For almost all of my adult life I have been involved in a myriad of abusive and one-sided relationships. My therapist has attributed the fact that my giving nature and willingness to forgive is due to the fact that I have been missing love and affection elsewhere in my life. I have been dancing around the fact that I grew up in quite the rocky household as a child.

I always brushed it off as it not being as bad as other stories of tumultuous families (i.e. The Glass Castle) but nevertheless looking back on it we were not exactly the Patridge family either.

My brother verbally and physically attacked me until I left for college when I was 19. After that, we did not speak to one another for another five years until he got married and his wife essentially forced him to bury the hatchet. I never had to urge to strike back because he was family when we were growing up; however I never had hesitation throwing a punch outside of the family.

My mother was not much better. As a young child it was discovered I was gifted in regards to intelligence, and went out of her way to tell people how it was my destiny at a very young age to be a brain surgeon, and that I was going to make an incredible amount of money as an adult and spoiler her. Growing up, if I received grades lower than a B+, it was often followed up with intense ridicule on her behalf. Later on when I became a teenager, I resorted to hiding my report cards from her in order to not incur her unrelenting wraith when I became disinterested in school thanks to undiagnosed dyslexia. She wasn't violent, but she verbally would not let up on the subject. My brother was often the subject of her anger; sometimes throwing his mattress bare into the garage and insisting he sleep there for the night. I did what I could to not fall victim to such behavior. However, I was able to escape this cycle as I began wrestling and was drawing college attention at a very young age.

My father, who was always supportive, was seldom home because he was often working long hours and sometimes two jobs to support the family. My mother suffered from anxiety and agoraphobia and did not work until I was in middle school.

I was on great terms with my sister until I left for college and she met her now husband.

Now at 31 and a number of failed relationships later, I'm back at home with my parents. My siblings have long moved on. Not to long after I was diagnosed as manic depressive, and shortly afterwards i herniated two disks in my lumbar and being tested for nerve damage after being injured on the job. Despite my injury, I started physical therapy and seeing an orthopedic surgeon in hopes of being able to coach wrestling again; I am being told that I will not be able to return to the mat again.

Despite the setbacks, I was able to find myself a desk job that highlights my talents in order to stay off my feet and am working hard enough that I am being noticed by upper management and being brought on for important meetings and consultations. I go to PT several times a week, see my therapist and psychiatrist regularly to keep my anexiety and depression meds in check. On top of all this, I am also enthralled in a lawsuit against my former employer as they did not carry workman's comp insurance and fired me after I got injured. My schedule is very cluttered.

I'm doing my best to stay positive, stay active, and work as hard as I can. However, my mother, now that I am home, often criticizes me for my actions; often asking why am I still seeing a psychiatrist, why am I seeing a therapist so often, why haven't I gotten through this yet, how come despite my very busy schedule I am not back in college or spending time with the family. She will often criticize my wardrobe, my long hours away from the house, and my social life knowing a lot of my money is currently being spent paying back the debt I piled up during my seven month back injury with no income as well as paying for my out of network doctors.

During family gatherings I am typically the blunt of all of my family's jokes. My brother is very quick to point out my failures in life and poke fun that I live at home. My sister often belittles me, accusing me of being stupid for not finishing college. My siblings often gang up on me and make me feel inadequate and paint a picture that I am incapable of functioning as a person and outlining my many downfalls. My sister will not allow me to hold her child without being seated and supervised by other people. If I am left alone with the baby, she will often ask why no one in the family is watching me. My father, on the other hand, often makes fun at me for my hobbies (I am a big fan of League of Legends and World of Warcraft) while he spends large portions of his day on the couch or sleeping.

Recently, I was seeing a young lady, and when I realized I was being taken advantage of, I immediately called her out on her actions, said no more, and walked out; the first time I have ever said no in a relationship. I kept asking myself why, despite how overwhelmingly support I was towards her, how I bent at her every whim, why would she treat me so poorly. I had enough, and instead of forgiving her like I always did, packed my things and never called her again. After that I began to reflect on every failed relationship I ever had.

A week later, I was working late as usual. I came home and found all of my clothes in the kitchen, and my room gutted. My mother had gone through all of my personal belongings to find a shirt of hers that she misplaced. At that point I had lost it and went completely berserk. I had it; all I do for my family is give. I am the first person my family comes to for favors and I have never said no. Despite the fact that I have been overwhelming supportive of my family, I kept asking myself why do they continue to treat me with such disdain despite the fact that I have never said no to them and always ask if they need help; yet the favor is never returned. I lost it and haven't been home in days and refuse to acknowledge them. As much as I want to put this behind me, I know if I come back home and drop this I will never be treated with respect.

So I'm at a crossroads; I am spending another night at a bar looking at sleeping in my car another night because I just don't want to drop this and give up. I can't bury the hatchet, I can't continue to act like their words against me don't affect me negatively. So the question is...how do I go about it?

Any reason you have not moved out?

Any reason you have not moved out?

I just started a new job only a few months ago. Prior to that I was practically incapable of walking due to back pain.

I had spent all of my savings trying to keep myself afloat after I injured my back after I was let go from my prior job. Currently, I am having a difficult time saving money as my insurance plan has an extremely high deductible and managing my money on entry level salary. I am incapable of taking on a lot of part time work in my area due to not being able to lift anything more than a few pounds and not being able to stay on my feet for more than a few hours. Thankfully, I have been given plenty of overtime at work however I am unable to get ahead to save up for a down payment due to exorbitant expenses ( I had totaled my car prior to the new job and had to take out a car payment as well as I could not afford to purchase a new one).

I'm sorry to hear that all of this is happening. It sounds like you're family is toxic (with the exception of your father?) and you can't change them and it's in your best interest to remove them from your life. That criticism will shred your confidence, self-esteem and wellbeing. Is there any other options or contingency plans to get the hell away from them?

I kept asking myself why, despite how overwhelmingly support I was towards her, how I bent at her every whim, why would she treat me so poorly.

all I do for my family is give. I am the first person my family comes to for favors and I have never said no. Despite the fact that I have been overwhelming supportive of my family, I kept asking myself why do they continue to treat me with such disdain despite the fact that I have never said no to them and always ask if they need help...

Your answers are right there. Nobody respects a doormat, and if you behave like one, don't feign surprise when people step all over you.

On a scale of 1 through 10 there's a huge amount of real estate between the two extremes of being a selfish jerk versus a pleaser who caters to everyone. Neither extreme is necessary, so I'd avoid black/white, all-or-nothing thinking, which won't serve you.

Nobody gains respect by 'demanding' it, that's just a temper tantrum that won't 'work'. Respect is earned over time by consistently behaving in assertive and proactive ways on one's own behalf, and then by assisting others on occasion but not at one's own expense.

This doesn't mean we can't afford to be generous, it means generosity must come from a position of abundance rather than as currency. If I give you a gift of my time or energy with expectations that you'll treat me a certain way in return, then it's no longer a gift--it's a contract.

Contracts are fine if you negotiate those up front and lay your expectations on the table, and both parties agree to the terms. Otherwise, you're pretending to give a gift while secretly viewing it as a contract for better treatment. That's self sabotage.

Hiding your terms appears to buy you good treatment in that moment while everyone is 'nice' at the time you're giving--but by failing to negotiate your terms and extract an agreement from your recipient, you just come off as needy and dense. That makes you the perfect mark for abuse.

You don't need to become a hardass in order to negotiate what you want from people in exchange for what they want from you. Successful couples negotiate terms and bribe one another all the time. Such exchanges earn respect for one another as equals rather than one playing martyr while the other takes advantage. There's no balance to that--and zero reward.

So find what your parents want from you in exchange for the use of their home and negotiate fair terms. This will buy you equality as a paying tenant. From there, you can negotiate scope and terms of privacy, but you'll need to exchange something of fair value to them for that, too. Everything can be negotiated, but not with secret currency that nobody has agreed to. That only buys you dis-illusion-ment, have you noticed?

Head high, and write more if it helps.