Did I screw up again?

I met someone on eharmony nine months ago. We instantly clicked. I knew I liked her from the first time we communicated via email. We hit it off from the moment we met. We have been dating for nine months now, neither one of us has been seeing anyone else since we met. There is no question that we love each other. However there are things about her that I told her from the start that I wasn't comfortable with.

One of them is that she's been on anti-depressants for 15 years and she doesn't have depression. Quite the opposite she is one of the most cheerful people you'll ever meet. I know depressed people and she is not that. She started on the meds after having being emotionally devastated from attempting to get pregnant and having four miscarriages. Her husband was not supportive of her bereavement and she felt helpless and alone. So the doctor prescribed her a pill to ease the pain. She separated from her husband 7 years ago, but has continued taking this medication the whole time. This is troubling to me and she knows my feelings about it. She has told me she has wanted to stop for a long time and since we met she is taking steps to do so. I have read up on the meds she's taking, Lexapro, and everything I've read says it is an extremely difficult medication to get off of because the brain chemistry becomes adjusted to it. She has been proactively and gradually tapering her dosage since we met in an attempt to get off of it. It bothers and scares me though. And I can't shake that feeling. She is aware of this.

The other thing is that she doesn't have much regard for her fitness. I told her from the beginning that it was important to me that the person I spend the rest of my life with cares about their fitness and proactively takes steps to maintain it as a part of their lifestyle. She told me that is something she has always wanted too and that she was going to start taking steps to live a healthier lifestyle. I have always been more health conscious than the average person, but I do also love food a lot, and enjoying food together is one of the things we both really like to enjoy together, but I do it in moderation. She doesn't. She turns to food for comfort and as a way to ease her pain. The pain of not being able to have children, which is absolutely devastating to her, and at the time, the pain of being in a marriage with someone who wasn't supportive in dealing with the pain of her loss.

The truth is, and this is completely selfish on my part, is I would like her to be able to wear sexy outfits and be to proud of her body. I would like to be proud of the way she looks when we go out together. I'm not ashamed to be seen with her by any means, but I just wish taking pride in her appearance was important to her. As it is, she doesn't care. It's never been important to her and even though she told me she was going to change that and I wanted to believe it, after 9 months it's obvious that's not the case. She is set in her ways and has no real desire to make those changes.

I've told her this, but if someone is going to love someone and make a lifelong commitment to them, then they need to accept that person exactly as they are. I told her I'm not doing that and it's not okay. She told me it is okay, she wants the same things, that she's a "work in progress" and she wants to be that person also. Not for me, but for herself. But her actions so far have spoken opposite of that.

So although the way we love each other is awesome and we are very much in sync, I think it's time I faced the facts about how I feel. She promised me things that she wasn't really willing to follow through on. I asked her for things that I shouldn't have. I suppose this is all my fault. But we both just have a very deep desire to love and be loved in return. But perhaps we're both going about it the wrong way. Anyone reading this who has any constructive thoughts on any or all of this that they would like to share are appreciated. Thanks.

The quick answer: she isn't for you.

You need to do more searches for someone who embraces a natural, fitness-focused lifestyle. No Rx drugs, and fitness as part of their lifestyle. This shouldn't be conditional upon beginning a relationship with you, but rather at the core of their being, so that they mesh with what's important to you.

You are not wrong for wanting these things, but you are wrong for wanting them with her. Asking her to change, and getting upset when she doesn't, is not fair.

You knew these things about her on Day 1.

Firstly, about the medication. She is not depressed because she's on medication. You don't know who she is while not on meds, so who are you to say she's different or not depressed? Lexapro definitely is a drug that has extreme side effects when you stop taking it, so she is doing the right thing by tapering off; but if her brain chemistry has decided that she's better while on medication, then do not be surprised if she needs to go back to it. Why do you have a judgment against her medication? I think that's a good thing to ask yourself, because honestly, her being on meds or not, as long as it's helping her, then it really shouldn't matter, should it?

Secondly, you are correct in that at 9 months, she should be doing things to improve her lifestyle as she said she wanted. It's probably a pipedream of hers, to be thinner and more attractive, but not really something she believes she can achieve. Her own self-esteem, how she feels about herself--that's not something that's your responsibility and not something you can control. If she hasn't taken many steps in changing eating habits or exercising, she likely never will (until/unless it becomes a health issue).

Yeah you should break up and find someone who you respect fully. You have picked two very large, very personal, issues you have with who she fundamentally is. And it sounds like you can't be happy with the relationship unless she deeply changes herself.

I would suggest in the future that you put something up on your dating profile that says: I need to feel proud of my partners body. I think the physical body of anyone I'm with is intrinsically connected to my ego so I need it (I mean her) to be up to my standards.

If you need your partner to be fit, date fit women. If you have some standard of physical attractiveness that you require to "feel proud" only date women who already meet that standard... and hope they never get hurt, never change there relationship to fitness and don't get to old.

The quick answer: she isn't for you.

 

You need to do more searches for someone who embraces a natural, fitness-focused lifestyle. No Rx drugs, and fitness as part of their lifestyle. This shouldn't be conditional upon beginning a relationship with you, but rather at the core of their being, so that they mesh with what's important to you.

 

You are not wrong for wanting these things, but you are wrong for wanting them with her. Asking her to change, and getting upset when she doesn't, is not fair.

 

You knew these things about her on Day 1.

I haven't gotten upset with her. We just talk about what we want for ourselves and the future. She told me she wanted the same things and was willing to make the change. But I'm seeing now that she wasn't really sincere about that, which is fine. She can only be who she is. It's up to me to decide if I'm okay with it. I'm getting to the point where I need to make that decision.

Firstly, about the medication. She is not depressed because she's on medication. You don't know who she is while not on meds, so who are you to say she's different or not depressed? Lexapro definitely is a drug that has extreme side effects when you stop taking it, so she is doing the right thing by tapering off; but if her brain chemistry has decided that she's better while on medication, then do not be surprised if she needs to go back to it. Why do you have a judgment against her medication? I think that's a good thing to ask yourself, because honestly, her being on meds or not, as long as it's helping her, then it really shouldn't matter, should it?

 

Secondly, you are correct in that at 9 months, she should be doing things to improve her lifestyle as she said she wanted. It's probably a pipedream of hers, to be thinner and more attractive, but not really something she believes she can achieve. Her own self-esteem, how she feels about herself--that's not something that's your responsibility and not something you can control. If she hasn't taken many steps in changing eating habits or exercising, she likely never will (until/unless it becomes a health issue).

It's true I don't know what she's like off the meds, but I have told her how I feel about them. She has assured me that the person that I know today is the same exact person she was before she started the medication. She's told me she's the exact same person now that she's been all her life and that will not change once she gets off the drugs. I believe her. I've spoken to her everyday for the last 9 months. I have a good idea of who she is. She's a person with a big heart who's only desire in life was to raise a family.

When nature wouldn't allow her to do that and the partner she chose to do that with wasn't supportive of her, her world collapsed. The doctor gave her a "magic pill" to make the pain go away. Her loss runs very deep in her being and she wanted to also believe that the magic pill would fix her heartbreak. She will never get over her loss, but she subconsciously wanted(s) to believe the pills will somehow make it all better, even though in her rational mind she knows that isn't so.

Yeah you should break up and find someone who you respect fully. You have picked two very large, very personal, issues you have with who she fundamentally is. And it sounds like you can't be happy with the relationship unless she deeply changes herself.

 

I would suggest in the future that you put something up on your dating profile that says: I need to feel proud of my partners body. I think the physical body of anyone I'm with is intrinsically connected to my ego so I need it (I mean her) to be up to my standards.

 

If you need your partner to be fit, date fit women. If you have some standard of physical attractiveness that you require to "feel proud" only date women who already meet that standard... and hope they never get hurt, never change there relationship to fitness and don't get to old.

I don't mind the shape she's in. I find it attractive. I would like her to be able to wear sexy outfits, but that's a minor selfish want on my part. I worry about her health as she approaches old age which we are both on the verge of going down that part of the road in our lives. I'm 50 and she's 53. I want to be as healthy and happy as I can possibly be in my old age, with as few ailments as possible. She doesn't have much consideration for those kinds of things. Which is fine. It's up to me to decide if I'm okay with it. The time to make a definite choice is coming near for me.

You want her off medications and you want her sexy, but otherwise she's perfect.

I'm sorry, but what?? You can't dictate her life and expect her to be ok with it! This is completely ridiculous!

You want her off medications and you want her sexy, but otherwise she's perfect.

 

I'm sorry, but what?? You can't dictate her life and expect her to be ok with it! This is completely ridiculous!

Ah, the inevitable internet knee-jerk. Gotta love it. It takes two to tango, y'know. I'm not doing this by myself. I'm just at a point where I'm trying to decide if I want to continue. We certainly do love each other. I'm just not sure where it's going or if I'm going to stay.

If she's taking steps to ween off the medication, you could just wait and see how things progress. If she's going in the right direction, what's the problem?

I'm not ashamed to be seen with her by any means, but I just wish taking pride in her appearance was important to her. As it is, she doesn't care. It's never been important to her and even though she told me she was going to change that and I wanted to believe it, after 9 months it's obvious that's not the case. She is set in her ways and has no real desire to make those changes.

This is a lot different. If she doesn't value being in better shape, you can't value it for her. It's not something she wants, or at least wants bad enough. Nothing else you can do. Either you accept it (settle), or you move on. There is no in between.

My personal point of view is that you have only so long on this earth to find what you're looking for. You don't have time to waste on someone who only checks 90% of the major boxes. I can tell from your description that this is a major issue for you. No shame in that. As guys, we have to be attracted to our partners.

Ah, the inevitable internet knee-jerk. Gotta love it. It takes two to tango, y'know. I'm not doing this by myself. I'm just at a point where I'm trying to decide if I want to continue. We certainly do love each other. I'm just not sure where it's going or if I'm going to stay.

Not a knee jerk. A reaction to what you've told us.

If I were her, I would breakup with you because you're trying to dictate her medications and you're unhappy with her weight. IMO, it doesn't get more controlling than that.

You're fine to have your own opinion - but that doesn't mean you get to make her change her medicine.

Not a knee jerk. A reaction to what you've told us.

 

If I were her, I would breakup with you because you're trying to dictate her medications and you're unhappy with her weight. IMO, it doesn't get more controlling than that.

 

You're fine to have your own opinion - but that doesn't mean you get to make her change her medicine.

So let's key in on the weight issue. He had an opinion on it. He expressed it to her. How is that controlling?

I understand weight is a sensitive issue for women , and I sympathize, but shaming men for their uncontrollable desires is not the answer.

It's not so much shaming for "uncontrollable desires", but rather he wants her to change into someone who cares about her fitness as much as he cares about his. And he's mentioned at least twice one of the reasons is that he wants her to wear "sexy outfits", I presume so that others will notice her? And think more highly of him because of it?

I don't view it as "controlling" but rather wanting someone to "change". Most of the time, if someone "changes" because someone else wants them to, the "change" won't last. True change only comes about because an individual wants it for themselves, not because someone else wants them to. And although this woman has said she wants to be more fit (who among us hasn't said that at one time or another?), she hasn't followed through. Which leads me to believe she doesn't value physical fitness as much as the OP would like her to.

There are plenty of women who aren't on prescription medication for depression and who truly are into maintaining a high level of physical fitness. The suggestion is that the OP either accept this woman as she currently is (not based on some possible future "changes"), or find a woman who is more who he is looking for with regard to being medication-free and physically fit.

So let's key in on the weight issue. He had an opinion on it. He expressed it to her. How is that controlling?

 

I understand weight is a sensitive issue for women , and I sympathize, but shaming men for their uncontrollable desires is not the answer.

It's fine to have an opinion on her weight. But he is in no way obligated to be with her.

The medication thing is controlling. That's what I am most bothered by.

He's not upset she's changed over the course of the relationship - he's upset she hasn't changed the right ways.

Some people need medication for the rest of their life this is just a fact of life . It's a sad sorry state when people are STILL making people feel bad for mental health issues . For that alone I would be long gone . Would you tell a diabetic to get off their Meds or Dialysis ? Would you tell someone with a broken leg to cut off their cast? Would you tell a cancer patient to stop taking chemo ?

Are you a doctor?

Maybe I'm off base and or naive but I've never heard of antidepressants being habit forming. To the contrary most people o know want to get off them asap. Also maybe the two things are related - does the medication make it easier to gain weight? I agree she just might not be for you. As an aside have you asked her about how she'd feel about adoption or fostering ?

First of all, it is up to her if she wants to take a medication. It is absolutely 100% not your business nor should she even have to tell you. You have no right to be deciding what medication she is on or wants to be on...understand??

She might have felt that it did help her depression and I might also add that all depressed people do not look or act a certain way. Some try very hard to hide it, ever heard of Robin Williams? It is incredibly ignorant of you to assume that depression has a certain face and a certain set of symptoms and is obvious. Many with depression hide it very well and no one would ever know. But the point is, if she wants to be on this medication, then she is a grown woman who can decide that for herself and it's not your place to be deciding anything at all!!!

As for expecting a woman to "dress sexy" all the time and be a certain way. It again is very shallow of you ad I sure hope you look like a model yourself 24/7 if you're going to expect a woman to look that way.

But she has already told you that this is not her style. And there is nothing wrong with that. Women do not always need sexy clothing to be sexy or to be attractive. If she is not comfortable with that..then she is 100% right, accept her as she is, or leave.

It's not your job to place demands on someone or change them how you want them to be.

I gotta admit, Juls...your post really did rub me the wrong way and I don't like how you are as man. You sound controlling and shallow and it's no wonder you've had such difficulty finding a woman.

I would not put much stock in a person who had the audacity to refer to antidepressants as "magic pills." With that being said, I would equate that point of view with telling an insulin dependent diabetic, that thinking positive will eliminate their need for this life saving medication.

Either way, I think you need to educate yourself in more ways than one.

Yeah. Most of these responses are of the myopic armchair judgemental knee-jerk variety that I pretty much expected from internet strangers, but I figured I'd give it a shot. I must say many of you did not disappoint. Thanks for trying anyway. Your efforts are appreciated, even if they aren't particularly helpful. You kids have fun. I'm out. Have a nice day.😊

Lexapro is not a drug to ween off of without being monitored medically. If the doc who's continued to prescribe the drug isn't involved enough to have monitored her while she's been on it, then finding a psychiatrist who specializes in psychotropic drugs as opposed to a regular MD is her best bet. She or he can adjust the dosage, monitor effects, and potentially move her onto the right substitutes to bring her off appropriately--or to notice whether she's sliding into a state that requires knowledgeable dosing to address.

Combining this with talk therapy is the best way to monitor a person off of drugs. The therapist becomes the eyes and ears of the MD, and she or he can pick up signals that a dosing or substance needs to be changed. Depression presents differently in everyone. You aren't qualified to assess her, and you may want to consider that her lack of physical motivation could be one of her symptoms.

You're entitled to want what you want, and she's entitled to be who she is. This may be one of those cases where 'love is not enough'. People are not projects. We don't get to walk into another's life and start managing them to become who we want--at least not if we want to call ourselves healthy. You're smart to recognize that you've crossed that line, you raised this with her in a last ditch effort to effect the changes you want. She's not budging, and that might have something to do with negative bargaining. It doesn't 'work'.

You get to decide whether this is a workable deal for you, or not. Nobody here is living your love life for you, so we don't get a vote. I guess the question I'd ask myself is, "If this is the most that GF can ever offer you--no less, but no more--would you stay or would you go?" If the answer is stay, then here you are. Take your ideals off the table beyond learning whether GF might be willing to dress up sexy for you in private in exchange for offering her something of value to her. Or participate with you in some healthy activities--but again, in exchange for a reward that SHE regards as positive.

Healthy couples negotiate and even bribe one another to get specific things they want all the time--and as long as the deals are equal and voluntary, as opposed to 'become what I want, or you're history...' it's a win for both. Otherwise, if your answer to the stay or go question is go, then the next question becomes, "When?"

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Medication issue aside, if she doesn't care about fitness and you do, that's a major incompatibility. It sounds like she has a lot of the traits that you want, but not all of the traits you need.

That's enough to realize it's time to look for someone else.