Boyfriend is stressed out and pushes me away

Hi, everyone, sorry to bother you but I would really appreciate any help in this, because I'm feeling lost and lonely.

So my boyfriend of 3 years has got a lot of things to deal with at the moment, namely university workload. He is that type of person, who cannot handle stress well and has shut himself out from me and everyone, spends now all his time on the computer, not necessarily doing work, he won't talk about any of his problems, started to eat less, his mood is bad. He was fine with my just right before this happened, said he loved me and was affectionate, but now he won't do any of this and I am severely anxious and depressed person, I take everything personally, I blame myself for these things, have a trouble sleeping/eating/etc. I keep supporting him, doing whatever I can to help, but I realized that it is not what he wants, so I decided to give him space and not to question anything. Problem is, that this has happened once before, when he had great changes in his life going at that time, he pushed me away and said he is breaking up with me (I guess he thought the stem of his problems was the relationship), I pleaded him to give our relationship time and a chance, maybe it is something that is temporary and he did, so we lived happily in love for another two years.

Now I am scared that he might do the same thing and he is definitely a person that I love so much and care for, we planned our future together, etc. I am person that whenever I feel down or depressed, I always seek out for help, lean on him for support, but he tends to keep everything for himself, never talk about it. We never fight, because he hates fighting and conflicts, so if there's a friction, he will just back off until it passes.

Do I worry too much? What are the best actions I could take? I live abroad away from my family and asking them for help would only make things worse, because they would make a big deal out of it and I have no one to turn to for advice.

Thank you in advance

All you can do is let him know you're there if he wants to chat or hang out, and then take a big step back. He clearly wants some space at this time.

However, if this continues on for a while, you need to talk to him about how it's affecting the relationship. A relationship requires healthy communication, but it sounds like that's lacking between you two. Now may not be the time to bring up relationship issues, but it should not be indefinitely avoided either.

The bottom line is that yes, he could decide he wants to end the relationship. Even if you feel it's down to his inability to cope with stress and added pressures, it's still not a good idea to try to convince someone to be with you if they really feel they can't or don't want to be. I know that's not easy to accept, but it's emotionally draining to have to persuade someone who's heart isn't in it. That may not happen here, mind you. But it's critical that you remember what's best for you, too. Being in a relationship with someone you had to convince to stay isn't healthy, so don't do that to yourself again should he tell you he wants to end it.

One thing stood out to me, probably because I also live abroad and have no family on this continent - do you otherwise have some type of support network where you are? Friends, colleagues, etc? That's where you should be spending your energy right now, so that you keep busy while he works through his school issues. It also will help ease the sting of his current emotional distance.

Thanks for your reply.

I am just baffled that this emotional change happened in a matter of hours, I think everything added up and he had his breaking point. He reassured me that I did not do anything wrong, he needs time and all that.

At the very moment, I don't really have a lot to do on my own, like work or uni, I mostly work from home ( we both live together, that is why it is very hard for me to deal). I have decided to focus more on myself and let him be.

I am not sure what kind of support I can offer, I am not too good at leaving people on their own, especially when they are having bad time, but I don't want to annoy either.

Continue to display your support and affection for him and make sure he knows you are "there for him" when he needs you. DO NOT pressure him or push him to "open up", or bombard him with questions about the relationship at this time. If he is super stressed and buried with pressure from other things in his life (job, school, family...etc..) that have little or nothing to do with you, then don't add to his stress by pestering him with questions that reflect your insecurities. He has told you and assured you that what he is going through right now has nothing to do with you, right? If so, then take him at his word and just be supportive, affectionate, continue to reinforce that you care and are there for him...without doing those things in a "smothering" type of way that might upset him or cause him more stress.

I have decided to focus more on myself and let him be.

You already know you are doing the right thing at the present time. This statement by you illustrates that. Stick to it. He will come around and this period of stress for him will pass. If it continues for a long period of time you may have to attempt to force him to talk about it. However, that time has not come yet. Give him space on his own to get through this on his own. He will let you know if he needs something from you to help him. Do not force your "help" on him because he's liable to resent it and see it as added pressure. People react to stresses very differently in varying ways. Sounds like he's one of those people who withdraws into his shell and tends to shut people out when under duress. My ex g/f was the same way. I wanted so badly to help her and be her "rock", but she was always like "I dont' want to burden you with my problems" so she withdrew and shut me out. Others, like you are probably, are the opposite. When I'm stressed, I enjoy being around people I can count on, and tend to turn to those whose company I like, and whose opinions and insights I value. So everyone is different. Let him work through this period in his way and on his time.

This is one of those where to live happily together you will have to learn to accept each others differences. Specifically, you two are polar opposites on how you handle stress. You lean on everyone, talk about it, feel better. Your approach works for you. He internalizes it, needs lots of space for that, deals with it, feels better. You must respect your differences even if you don't understand them from a personal perspective because that would never work for you.

If he needs space, respect it and give him space. Grab a laptop and get out of the house. Go work in a coffee shop. Go do other things after work. Find an open start up type workspace or library if coffee shops are too noise for what you need. Most importantly, be sure that you cultivate friendships outside of your relationship so you are not leaning on him with your issues and anxieties too much. Ironically, if you develop a broader support group for yourself - friends, hobbies, interests, volunteering, etc. - you will end feeling a whole lot less anxious.