Husband's cousin is not moving out.

Hi all,

I have a very serious problem and would love to get some advise on this - My husband's cousin is not moving out even after 4 months.

Before describing more about the problem, let me tell you all about me. I am Gauri, 24 yrs old from India. I got married last year May 08. Both me and my husband are in the IT field, but were working in different locations (Bangalore and Thiruvanathapuram). So the beginning 3-4 months of our marriage we were not together, due to the work locations. He was in Bangalore and me in Thiruvanathapuram. So every 2-3 weeks we used to meet up in my in-laws house. Meanwhile I was trying to get a transfer to Bangalore. Fortunately got a transfer to Bangalore to a different project after 4 months. I moved in with my husband who was staying there in a 1 BHK apartment, we then eventually went on a house hunt and got a 2 BHK apartment in 1 week and moved into our new home. We took about 2-3 months to get settled completely (getting all furniture etc.).

Just after that my husband's cousin got an IT job in Bangalore. His office is in fact very near to our home. So he moved into our home to stay along with us. We gave him the other room to stay. We were very happy to have him in; and I was very happy to welcome him home as I felt that was a very joyful person. In the beginning we were told that he will move out very soon, he might be with us only for 1 or 2 weeks. And he is very rigorously searching for a new apartment along with his friends. Honestly, we (me and my husband) felt he didn't have to hurry that much and take time to find a reasonable apartment. We told him the same too.

Once he came to stay with us, I felt he was not the same person I met at my in-laws house. He behaved differently. Most of the days, I used to reach home before my husband. So there were times when only me and my husband's cousin were alone. In order to make him feel comfortable, I always tried initiating conversations, but it all ended very soon as he always answered my questions in one word. I am not a person very good at conversations; I am a listener and not a speaker. It was rather difficult for me to hold on to a conversation always. Even then I used to try to talk about something so that he would feel comfortable with me. But used to answer my inquiries with one word and end the conversation. Apparently it was visible that he was not comfortable talking to me. So I told my husband to come home early so that he will not be in such uncomfortable situation.

Slowly as the days passed by the situation began to change, he started taunting and commenting on anything I do and say. He used to say as though he is just joking. I am an animal lover, I have always tried to help needy animals. Once I saw a puppy too weak on the street, I thought I need to help and bought some dog food from the market. He was surprised seeing this and commented that I am a "FOOL" that I am doing all this. In his point of view, all dogs on the street should be shot dead. I was really hurt on hearing such comments from him...but did not reply anything. In fact I acted as though I didn't hear anything that he said.

Recently, I was feeling to have something light for dinner. So I told my husband that I shall prepare something light. He liked the idea and said "Yes! I was thinking of having something light too". Right at that moment my husband's cousin, commented - "Oh nowadays you have started liking to have light dinner.....right?!!!!!!!". From his words it was evident that he meant I am too lazy, that is the reason I am suggesting to prepare a light dinner. How could he say that!!!!! All other days I have been preparing lot of items as I didn't want him to feel away from home. In fact I used to get suggestions from him too on what to cook. I used to prepare tea for him separately every morning as he doesn't drink coffee like me and my husband. My husband hates that we have to prepare separate tea for his cousin ever morning. My husband says it is double work. It was my insistence that we will make tea for him as I wanted to make him comfortable. Even after doing all this I have to hear all such comments from him. I am a working woman; won't I feel to take some rest after a hectic day at office?

These are just 2 of the incidents that I have described, there are way lot more incidents too...Due to this commenting attitude of his, now I have to think twice or thrice before I speak anything in my home. I do not have the freedom of preparing and having anything as I want. I have become really quiet now. I have stopped involving in the conversations that happen between my husband and his cousin. Honestly I am scared of his comments.

This is not all....he stalks around...listens to all our conversations and goes and informs about this to his parents and my in-laws. While going to bed we lock the door of our bedroom. Once the door gets locked he comes and stands near to it to hear our conversations. There is a mirror hanging on the wall just outside the room. He stands there as though he is looking at the mirror. Not only that he also goes and makes fun of me in front of my in laws. Recently he commented that I take care of animals more than my husband!!!!!!!!!!

He eve keeps complaining about the cleanliness when he doesn't even keep the bathroom that he uses clean. Even that we have to clean up.

I have discussed this with my husband and he is also totally against this behavior of his cousin. In fact he gets angrier than me when his cousin gives such comments. But he doesn't say anything to his cousin as he doesn't want to spoil the relationship. This cousin's parents stay next door to my in - laws. So we have to maintain the relationship as we might need their help in the long run in case of any emergency. I have also refrained my husband in talking anything to his cousin as I don't want their relation to become bad because of me.

It has been now 4 months since he has moved in with us and there is no sign of him moving out. He often speaks about hunting for apartments. Once he said that he lost one apartment as he was just 10 minutes late. Recently he said that he got a 2 BHK apartment and he has fixed it. He will be moving out soon. We were glad that he is moving out. But after few days he said that his friends are not interested in that apartment and so they have cancelled that plan. Won't we discuss with our friends before we fix the apartment; especially when we are planning to move in with them. And if he had spoke to his friends before then would they back out.?

Few days back one of our friend who stays in the same residency, informed this cousin that he knows an apartment that would be appropriate for this cousin with reasonable price. but my husband's cousin showed least interest in that conversation....He started saying that he doesn't know if he will move to an apartment and that his friends are not co-operating.

Is he lying about this all???.......maybe to make us feel that he is looking out but not getting one. I am having this feeling because he has told us about many flats all has some issue or the other. If he is genuinely looking for a flat...then is 4 months not enough to get one? I don't know if I am right......but I feel that he is just finding reasons to reject the apartment. Sometimes it is rent, sometimes it is the beauty of the flat...sometimes the location....etc.

We have never asked him about how is his search going on as we feared that he might feel that we are desperately waiting for him to move out.He is the one who comes up saying about his search.

I honestly doesn't have any issues with him staying along with us, if he doesn't comment on each and every thing and doesn't involve in our personal talks.

I am really sorry about writing this long but I have just poured my heart out here. Please advise on what can me or my husband do so that his cousin moves out without spoiling the relationship.

Four months is indeed a long time and he is behaving in a disrespectful way. If you don't want to rock the boat, one way to deal with this might be to actively search with him. Seek apartments and go with him to view them. That way you may be able to get across the message that he needs to move out without saying anything to him. Your husband would need to take the lead in this, while you need to stay out of it as he is your husbands' family. If the cousin makes any remarks, your husband can dismiss them saying that "he is just trying to help" and keep offering to help him find an apartment. This guy is overstepping his boundaries and he needs to be called out on it but your husband is the one who needs to have a word with him next time he makes a disrespectful remark or behaves in a disrespectful way. Next time, your husband needs to have a private conversation with him and point out to him the behaviours that are bothering him (e.g.listening to all your conversations and informing about this to their parents) and ask him to stop. You and your husband need to set boundaries. Pretend that you are busy and stop doing extra things for him. And actively search apartments for him to view.

You and your husband need to come together as a united force and give him a two week notice to move out. This is to push him to find a place. Otherwise he will find his stuff out on the street. I don't know your local laws in terms of contracting/eviction, but I would look into it to reinforce he leaves.

He has overstayed his welcome and he has been very disrespectful in your house. He needs to go.

Knowing only a little of the cultural and family practices of India, I think it is your husband's duty to stand up and push his cousin to begin looking harder for new living arrangements. I understand he doesn't want to cause a rift in the family because of it.

Perhaps you could enlist your mother-inlaw to have your father-inlaw do something?

You've made him feel so comfortable, that he no longer cares to leave. He is not a guest anymore in your house. A few weeks is one thing, four months is absurd and only way you are going to get rid of him is by making him feel uncomfortable. Stop catering to him, stop cooking for him. Your husband needs to start treating him like a roommate and start talking about pitching in for bills and chores. That should shift this parasite out of your home. Again, he is no longer a guest, but a parasite living off your generosity and until your husband puts his foot down and gives this guy reason to leave, he is not going to leave. Parasites are notoriously difficult to remove once you let them in.

I think you're husband should tell the cousin that it's time to start paying half the rent, sharing bills, and setting up a chore schedule. If the cousin wants to live with you, show him what that looks like, as he's overstayed being a guest. It's not unreasonable or unkind (so it shouldn't rock the boat with family)...but it's inconvenient enough that it should motivate him to look for a place of his own.

Four months is indeed a long time and he is behaving in a disrespectful way. If you don't want to rock the boat, one way to deal with this might be to actively search with him. Seek apartments and go with him to view them. That way you may be able to get across the message that he needs to move out without saying anything to him. Your husband would need to take the lead in this, while you need to stay out of it as he is your husbands' family. If the cousin makes any remarks, your husband can dismiss them saying that "he is just trying to help" and keep offering to help him find an apartment. This guy is overstepping his boundaries and he needs to be called out on it but your husband is the one who needs to have a word with him next time he makes a disrespectful remark or behaves in a disrespectful way. Next time, your husband needs to have a private conversation with him and point out to him the behaviours that are bothering him (e.g.listening to all your conversations and informing about this to their parents) and ask him to stop. You and your husband need to set boundaries. Pretend that you are busy and stop doing extra things for him. And actively search apartments for him to view.

Thanks for the advise. I will talk to my husband on this....so that he also starts searching and looking for apartments. At least we will get to know if he is searching for apartments or not.

You and your husband need to come together as a united force and give him a two week notice to move out. This is to push him to find a place. Otherwise he will find his stuff out on the street. I don't know your local laws in terms of contracting/eviction, but I would look into it to reinforce he leaves.

 

He has overstayed his welcome and he has been very disrespectful in your house. He needs to go.

We can definitely do that...but wouldn't that spoil the relationship between the families? Even if my husband is the one who is speaking to him about moving out...I will be person who will be blamed. Even my in-laws would say that after marriage my husband has changed (because of me; as I am influencing him too much). As per Indian traditions, a daughter in -law is supposed to keep the family united and not get them divided. So we cannot directly ask him to leave. That would be a black mark for me for the rest of my life.

Knowing only a little of the cultural and family practices of India, I think it is your husband's duty to stand up and push his cousin to begin looking harder for new living arrangements. I understand he doesn't want to cause a rift in the family because of it.

 

Perhaps you could enlist your mother-inlaw to have your father-inlaw do something?

My husband has spoke to them before too. He has informed them that the behavior of his cousin is way too annoying and he is not planning to move out. Their advise is to keep quite and adjust so that no one will say bad about us.

I am guessing that he is living in your beautiful home for free. It seems that he likes the present arrangement of living in your home for free....no utility bills and free dinners and he doesn't even need to cook them. Can I move into your house?? Of course, he has been telling you he is about to move out, but something always happens. This is known as stringing you along. The idea of having your husband search for living arrangements for him is an excellent one. It seems that he has been using his friends as the reason why he plans fall through. So....let's eliminate the friends from the equation. Look for a room to rent for him.

Also, it is time to make him more responsible in your home now. Your husband should tell him that you now will need him to contribute to the household financially. That means paying toward the utilities, paying for his meals in your home and PAYING FOR YOUR ROOM THAT HE IS USING IN YOUR HOME.

You will get him out of your home if you employ these suggestions.

chi

You've made him feel so comfortable, that he no longer cares to leave. He is not a guest anymore in your house. A few weeks is one thing, four months is absurd and only way you are going to get rid of him is by making him feel uncomfortable. Stop catering to him, stop cooking for him. Your husband needs to start treating him like a roommate and start talking about pitching in for bills and chores. That should shift this parasite out of your home. Again, he is no longer a guest, but a parasite living off your generosity and until your husband puts his foot down and gives this guy reason to leave, he is not going to leave. Parasites are notoriously difficult to remove once you let them in.

It is true that now he has turned a parasite. But if we suddenly stop doing this that we used to do..rather make him feel uncomfortable..wouldn't that give me a face of a villain???....wouldn't he say that now I wasn't him to move out that is why I am now treating him this way....

But if we suddenly stop doing this that we used to do..rather make him feel uncomfortable..wouldn't that give me a face of a villain???....wouldn't he say that now I wasn't him to move out that is why I am now treating him this way....

No. He should be told that his stay was not expected to be as long as it turned out and now it has become a financial burden on your budget.

This guy is a freeloader and HE IS THE VILLAIN. chi

I am guessing that he is living in your beautiful home for free. It seems that he likes the present arrangement of living in your home for free....no utility bills and free dinners and he doesn't even need to cook them. Can I move into your house?? Of course, he has been telling you he is about to move out, but something always happens. This is known as stringing you along. The idea of having your husband search for living arrangements for him is an excellent one. It seems that he has been using his friends as the reason why he plans fall through. So....let's eliminate the friends from the equation. Look for a room to rent for him.

 

Also, it is time to make him more responsible in your home now. Your husband should tell him that you now will need him to contribute to the household financially. That means paying toward the utilities, paying for his meals in your home and PAYING FOR YOUR ROOM THAT HE IS USING IN YOUR HOME.

 

You will get him out of your home if you employ these suggestions.

chi

Thanks for the advise. I'll definitely discuss this with my husband.

you mentioned your husband was the one who suggested you stop the hospitality by not preparing a second breakfast and tea for him?

i would suggest you definitely talk to your husband that you agree the hospitality needs to stop, and because it is culturally and socially inappropriate for you to make the cousin uncomfortable living here, that husband should do it instead....

and like a good indian wife...you will support your husband in his decision ;-).

good luck!

what does the cultural norm say about people who make unfair gain off their families, Gauri? it must be looked down upon for one to behave rudely to his generous hosts, and exploit their hospitality?

i'm sure there is a way for your husband and you to present this politely and objectively, and nobody sane would blame you for not wanting to be exploited and talked down to.

you mentioned your husband was the one who suggested you stop the hospitality by not preparing a second breakfast and tea for him?

 

i would suggest you definitely talk to your husband that you agree the hospitality needs to stop, and because it is culturally and socially inappropriate for you to make the cousin uncomfortable living here, that husband should do it instead....

 

and like a good indian wife...you will support your husband in his decision ;-).

 

good luck!

I wish I could do so......But now when I talk something to my husband he says that he might leave soon...we have bared him for so long...so why break the pot at the last moment....what if this time he is really moving out.....By the way...this cousin has come up with a new apartment story.....God knows what is the truth.........

what does the cultural norm say about people who make unfair gain off their families, Gauri? it must be looked down upon for one to behave rudely to his generous hosts, and exploit their hospitality?

 

i'm sure there is a way for your husband and you to present this politely and objectively, and nobody sane would blame you for not wanting to be exploited and talked down to.

The issue is that my in-laws are orthodox people....and they also want us to follow the same.....My in-laws too agree that he has over-stayed but still they ask us only to adjust so that life will go smoothly...more over this cousin's mother has lot of connections in our community...I mean lot of friends and family circles where she will defame me....

But I'll definitely ask my husband also to start hunting for rooms/apartments for him....at least we'll get to know if he is really looking for something or not.....

By the way...this cousin has come up with a new apartment story.....God knows what is the truth.........

Oh my goodness....I know what the truth is and I am not God. The truth is that it is yet another one of his wild stories. Disregard it and look for a room that is suitable for him. This freeloader is just trying to buy more time. Some people have no shame.

As your husband is giving this freeloader the new ground rules for living in your beautiful house he should do it with a smile, explaining the fact of life that no one gets a free lunch and he needs to pay now, and while assisting him in locating a room for him, your husband should do it in a kind and gentle manner, explaining how much better for his cousin to have the privacy from family. Your husband should proceed with kindness but certainty in getting this person OUT OF YOUR HOME.

​I hope that you and your husband celebrate once the mission is accomplished.

Some people mistake kindness for weakness. I am so sorry that your husband's cousin is taking advantage of you and your husband. It is time for it to end.

Oh my goodness....I know what the truth is and I am not God. The truth is that it is yet another one of his wild stories. Disregard it and look for a room that is suitable for him. This freeloader is just trying to buy more time. Some people have no shame.

 

As your husband is giving this freeloader the new ground rules for living in your beautiful house he should do it with a smile, explaining the fact of life that no one gets a free lunch and he needs to pay now, and while assisting him in locating a room for him, your husband should do it in a kind and gentle manner, explaining how much better for his cousin to have the privacy from family. Your husband should proceed with kindness but certainty in getting this person OUT OF YOUR HOME.

 

​I hope that you and your husband celebrate once the mission is accomplished.

 

Some people mistake kindness for weakness. I am so sorry that your husband's cousin is taking advantage of you and your husband. It is time for it to end.

True...even I too feel the same.....this is the last week of this month....If he is really planning to move out and has fixed a new apartment...he should be seen busy in the arrangements for moving out...but nothing like that is seen...he is seen whiling away his time watching some videos in his phone...I have spoke to my husband regarding finding a room for his cousin...and he too agrees that we will search for rooms and then let him know about it..

And thanks for the advise...you have given me lot of strength to deal with this problem

Thanks a lot.

 

 

And thanks for the advise...you have given me lot of strength to deal with this problem

 

Thanks a lot.

Hey! That's what friends are for.

Hey! That's what friends are for.

 

 

You are a wonderful friend