sunday2010 Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 My ex from seven years got married in November 2016 he began dating this girl eight months after dumping me.hiw have I found this out? By the internet.. I'm devastated. The reason? Well he told my parents when we were in our second year of dating he would never marry and have kids... He lied and did so.What was wrong with me why wasn't I good enough.my situation I do not wish to discuss... But finding out my soulmate went into marry has sent me spiralling how can I move past this? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 How long were you together? How did you find out this info? Link to comment
Clio Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 People change their mind about things. He just changed his mind. Nothing was wrong with you. The timing was not right then/he was a different person. People change. Situations change. It sounds like you are unhappy with your present and trying to avoid it by focusing on your past. Yet, that is counterproductive. What happened seven years ago is ancient history and irrelevant. Both of you were different people back then. You need to focus on the present. This guy is irrelevant, just an escape mechanism of your mind trying to avoid dealing with your present and your real problems. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 But you also got married. It shouldn't hurt you that your ex got married since you have a husband of your own. Link to comment
sunday2010 Posted May 19, 2017 Author Share Posted May 19, 2017 We were together three and a bit years .. He said to my parents I'll never marry what he really meant was I will never marry your daughter... Yes I am married and I have been nearly five years. I've just been feeling a bit shocked by the news.. I found out on the internet by searching names... Yes I know that's wrong... And I only have myself to blame by being curious... The way he dumped me is something I can never forget and seven years later it's still just as horrible to think of.. Link to comment
megamuppet Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 When I met my now husband, who was 45 when we met, he had been in lots of long term relationships, even had a daughter. He said he never wanted to get married because he always had a bit of doubt with each partner. 12 months in, he proposed. Sometimes things don't feel 100% right. Peoples priorities change etc. Don't feel too bad. Imagine if he did marry you and then had an affair with his now wife? You have a husband who I assume you love. Put your energy into him x Link to comment
glitterfingers Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 He didn't lie. He voiced his true feelings as they were at the time. The funny thing about people is they tend to change dramatically over the course of their lives, and very few people (if any) have the same values/thoughts/beliefs consistently. That's just part of being human. It also doesn't mean that he would never have felt that way about you if you, hypothetically, were still together 7 years later when he was mature enough to marry. But thankfully you've both grown and have better lives now. My ex from 6 years ago dumped me citing that he wanted to focus on university and didn't have the time/energy for our relationship. He met someone new about 3 months later, and although I know they split up early on and got back together (probably for similar reasons on his part), they are now engaged and have two beautiful children together. I'm just glad for him that he found someone who put him in touch with the man he was going to become. I have no resentment for my former partners who are now in happy relationships, even if they seemed horrible when we split up - relationships are about mutual growth, and you should be happy that you were an important part of this guy growing into a husband and father figure Link to comment
sunday2010 Posted May 19, 2017 Author Share Posted May 19, 2017 I was told our values never change it's the one constant thing . I got that from a life coach. We don't change our values .. I did a questionnaire on it and all my values I'd had As a child were the same Link to comment
megamuppet Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 I was told our values never change it's the one constant thing . I got that from a life coach. We don't change our values .. I did a questionnaire on it and all my values I'd had As a child were the same I agree, most people don't change their values but I once worked with someone who had a very strange view of relationships, especially in regards to women. It was only when he had a daughter himself that he realised that his sexist and rude comments were inappropriate and he admitted that if someone treated his daughter the way he had treated women in the past he would be furious. Now he is actually quite a nice man to be around! Sometimes the things we think are important and valuable to us change, but it is usually in a positive way x Link to comment
glitterfingers Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 I was told our values never change it's the one constant thing . I got that from a life coach. We don't change our values .. I did a questionnaire on it and all my values I'd had As a child were the same That's one person's opinion, and I doubt that this is reflected in psychology or science where the general idea is that brains are plastic and people can and do change all the time. It may be that the types of values that you measured in your questionnaire were a lot more general. I for example grew up eating meat and as an adult I turned vegan. Never had any inclination beforehand. Many adults do similar things, pick up or drop religious/spiritual ideals etc. People are quite obviously malleable on such things Link to comment
Clio Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 I was told our values never change it's the one constant thing . I got that from a life coach. We don't change our values .. I did a questionnaire on it and all my values I'd had As a child were the same Marriage is not a value. It's a lifestyle preference to express the value of companionship, yet not all couples who value companionship get married (or manage to stay together forever for that matter). Men and women change their opinions about marriage all the time. I can think of numerous people in my circle of acquaintances who said in their youth "I will never get married" and proceeded to get married once they matured. And even values can change if faced with a strong personal revelation but these are usually cases where people hit "rock bottom" so admittedly, it is more difficult. People can and do change. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 I wouldn't say he lied. Times change. People change. Circumstances change. People grow. I can't tell you how many people I know who have stated "I will NEVER marry!!" (myself included), and funny enough, ALL of them have married. We were young, immature, had some growing up to do etc. Life changes. I wouldn't call this lying. That said, you're married for 5 years. You seem to forget he is your EX. Seven years have passed and you are "devastated"?? Seems a little over the top reaction don't you think? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 I don't understand why you are holding on to all of this? Is it because you are so miserable with your husband? I would focus on something you can actually work with. Put yourself in the present. Link to comment
sunday2010 Posted May 19, 2017 Author Share Posted May 19, 2017 I'm holding onto it I guess cause I felt he was my soulmate I can't ever forget him . I don't want to comment on my present. It's very difficult. Someone said to me your not happy cause your not with Your soulmate... A simple statement but it made me stop when she said it.the problem was it was true Link to comment
boltnrun Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 So you married your husband despite wishing you were marrying this man instead. Is that correct? Anyway, mooning over the past and keeping emotionally attached to someone who's not available doesn't do anything to fix your current situation. All it does is provide a false sense of escape. Link to comment
glitterfingers Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 I'm holding onto it I guess cause I felt he was my soulmate I can't ever forget him . I don't want to comment on my present. It's very difficult. Someone said to me your not happy cause your not with Your soulmate... A simple statement but it made me stop when she said it.the problem was it was true Normally I find it endearing and worthwhile for people to hold views like this (soulmates and spirituality, that life coaches actually know what they're talking about), but in your situation it appears borderline toxic and bad for your mental health. Rather than believing that the best is still out there for you, you are holding onto the past. So I am sorry if this comes across as abrasive, but there is no scientific, sociological, anthropological, psychological evidence that 1) there is one soulmate for you in life and 2) that people cannot grow and change rather fluidly. So in a nutshell, no. This ex is not and was not your soulmate. Why choose to believe something for which there is neither evidence nor benefit? If you are not happy in your current marriage and find yourself looking to past lovers and building them up in your mind, that is a completely separate issue and one for which you need to seek counselling so you can work through those feelings and decide if you want to leave your husband and find someone more compatible. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 I'm holding onto it I guess cause I felt he was my soulmate I can't ever forget him . I don't want to comment on my present. It's very difficult. Someone said to me your not happy cause your not with Your soulmate... A simple statement but it made me stop when she said it.the problem was it was true I can understand how you feel. I just kept telling myself that I was foolish to want someone who did not want me. That is the bottom line really. It was difficult to come to grips with it, but he did this thing. chi Link to comment
sunday2010 Posted May 20, 2017 Author Share Posted May 20, 2017 So you married your husband despite wishing you were marrying this man instead. Is that correct? Anyway, mooning over the past and keeping emotionally attached to someone who's not available doesn't do anything to fix your current situation. All it does is provide a false sense of escape. I kind of didn't expect such a abrasive response ... When I married I was truly in love without giving you a whole book on our lives you don't know what I've endured. It's very hard to not look back because they were awesome times with my ex till it went bad and circumstances came into play. I don't think I mm a bad person to think about him Yes, I know he's gone but it's very hard to accept . I look at the girl he married She became everything I was. She drived a red small car loves ballet,when he met her she was a plain jane and now she's glamorous ... That's how I became who I was when I was with him always dressed up perfect make up, now I never get. Dressed up. Love the ballet but have never seen a show since I was with my ex, I don't wear make up and basically I found when I was with my ex he encouraged me to be someone who looked nice and stood out. You are going to say what a load of rubbish but that's how it's turned out. Link to comment
glitterfingers Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 I kind of didn't expect such a abrasive response ... When I married I was truly in love without giving you a whole book on our lives you don't know what I've endured. It's very hard to not look back because they were awesome times with my ex till it went bad and circumstances came into play. I don't think I mm a bad person to think about him Yes, I know he's gone but it's very hard to accept . I look at the girl he married She became everything I was. She drived a red small car loves ballet,when he met her she was a plain jane and now she's glamorous ... That's how I became who I was when I was with him always dressed up perfect make up, now I never get. Dressed up. Love the ballet but have never seen a show since I was with my ex, I don't wear make up and basically I found when I was with my ex he encouraged me to be someone who looked nice and stood out. You are going to say what a load of rubbish but that's how it's turned out. I don't think anyone is telling you that you're a bad person for doing this, we are just trying to help you understand that this is one of many perspectives you can adopt and the current perspective does not seem to be serving you. I feel that you are looking for a sense of meaning in things that may be purely coincidence. I don't doubt that you've endured difficult times, I would simply say that if you were in a better place mentally/emotionally you would not be analysing this situation to the extent you are. You are unhappy but it's not because of the ex Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 Not meaning to be harsh, but when one reads past threads, together with this one, and without going into full detail (the threads speak for themselves), all I can say is I strongly recommend professional counselling/therapy to help you overcome all of your issues. Link to comment
LaHermes Posted May 20, 2017 Share Posted May 20, 2017 Sunday. "I found when I was with my ex he encouraged me to be someone who looked nice and stood out." This is something you do yourself, for yourself, and because you like and love yourself, not depending on another to get you to do or be these things. You would go to a ballet performance (and as often as you wish) but NOT because he was there to either "encourage" or accompany. The "Svengali" syndrome comes to mind. When we are little or very young the parent of course tells and encourages us on how to be and what interesting things we can do. But a spouse/BF/partner is NOT a parent, nor should s/he ever attempt that role. It is most unhealthy. Do all those things for yourself, Sunday. Go to and enjoy those performances, for YOU. Link to comment
Whocares479 Posted May 26, 2017 Share Posted May 26, 2017 How is your EX your SOULMATE? Link to comment
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