He doesn't love me anymore

My husband and I have been together 12 years married for 9. He is a perfectionist. He's hard on me and my son, his step son. He feels like my son has always tried to come between us. Things aren't always all bad, there are good times in between fights. He’s responsible and true to his word. But, things have gotten worse and worse. I started to feel like he treated me more like a child than a wife. He also has health problems that affect his sex drive and intimacy has gotten less and less. Around the 3 year marriage mark, our sex was becoming life was non-existent, he was withdrawn and angry with us all the time.

I encouraged him to see someone for his anger. He agreed, but he said that his therapist agreed that he had reasons to be angry and anyone would be angry in position and that the reason he was not interested in sex was me, that I was stressing him out so much that he couldn't perform. I was devastated. I wanted to leave, but I couldn't imagine how I could start over without him. I was in crisis. I thought if I did everything the way I was supposed to he would pay attention to me again. I would try to be affectionate, wanting some myself. I would put my arms around him, wanting him to hold me back. He would smile a little, but just wait for me to stop so he could go back to what he was doing.

One night when he was out of town I was out with some friends. There was a younger guy and I hadn’t planned on it, but I cheated. I felt miserable after. I thought about telling but couldn’t imagine disappointing him that much. I resolved myself to try harder, to make it up to him, even though he didn’t know.

Meanwhile, the relationship with he and my son degraded. I felt he was too harsh on him and I tried to protect him from his anger. He said that it was my fault that my son had behavioral problems, because I wouldn’t raise him exactly the way he wanted me to. He said the reason why he didn’t have children with me was because he was scared they would turn out like my son.

Eventually my son moved in with his dad and refused to be around him. Now I was left with a loveless marriage, no child and I wondered why I was staying. I told him I was leaving. It killed me to do it. Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I did it. He kept pressing me why -why -why. I finally told him about the affair, thinking that would stop him from begging me to stay. I just kept thinking that there was noting left for me there. No love, no family, no hope.

I got my own place. And he was still insisting that I work things out. I was too weak to tell him that it was over. I still hated the thought of disappointing him and still holding on to some dream that things could be better. We could still be happy together.

During this time, I lost my job. I called him for emotional support. He dropped everything and spent the day with me. I didn’t ask him for money and was able to make ends meet. I wanted to know if I was working it out with him, it was for the right reasons. He and my son were at least tolerating each other and we were all seeing a counselor. He was still having a hard time completely forgiving me for the affair, but was pushing me to keep working with him on our relationship. He said I needed to be home with him for us to fix this.

We decided to get back together. He put money down on a lot to build our dream house on. We sold his house and lived in the apartment I’d rented until the build was over. 

Tension between my son and him grew and grew. They couldn’t stand being in the same room anymore. I thought if we could just get into the new house where we’d have more space they would calm down.

We finally moved into the new place. My son and I spent the first week there while he was out of town on business. When he got back, he was in a terrible mood. Something I did, but I can’t remember. He and my son got into a STUPID argument and he grabbed my son by the back of the neck to lead him down to his room. My son who is 14 at this point screeched like he was being murdered. I panicked an told him to let him go. My son called his dad to get him and said he never wanted to come back.

I tried to move forward, going to see my son a few times a week. I felt like I was failing as a mother and wife all at once. I felt like I wasn’t able to be there for my son. I expressed this to my husband, he said that my son wasn’t worth it, he was always trying to come between us anyway. He frankly didn’t care.

I brought up again that he wasn’t affectionate or loving with me. He said that he just hasn’t forgiven me and he needs more time to think about if he wants to be with me. That he’s always wondering if he’s going to come home and see I’ve left him again. I told him that I wanted to know if he was planning on leaving, I wasn’t financially prepared to be on my own. I said I needed to be able to protect myself. He said, why should I feel secure when he doesn’t. He said I don’t contribute anything to the relationship. He told me that while he cares about me, he isn’t sure if he loves me or is “in love” with me anymore. He hasn't said he wants a divorce. He says he needs more time to figure it out. My heart is completely broken. I feel like he wanted me back just to get even with me.

I’m not sure If I should work through this with him or just run. I don’t him to be able to say that he was right, that he knew I would leave again.

He sounds very controlling & nasty. I feel very sorry for your Son. I would leave & never look back.

"...or just run."

- You're fear of him keeps you running and making mores mistakes.

I'm going to be really blunt with you right now. As nicely as possible, from one mother to another.

Anyone who would ever grab my son in that way would be out the door so fast that he would break the frame on his way out. Anyone who treats my son like he's the enemy would be gone. This is past the point of over. Your poor son is stuck in the middle of this, but he didn't choose this guy. You are choosing your husband over your son, and he doesn't even care about your relationship with your son. Any good step parent would want to nurture your relationship with your child, not hurt it. Is your son a saint? I bet he's not. But there would never, ever be any reason for any man to put his hands on my child or treat him that way.

My boyfriend has raised my son with me since he was 6; he's now almost 14. Do they argue? Yes, at times. But he is also very loving towards my son and in fact, he often puts my son's needs ahead of mine. He puts my son first. He remembers to bring him his favorite foods from the grocery store. He takes him out to go play sports without me. He also respects me as a mother and when we have disagreements about our parenting styles, we talk about it. My boyfriend also tends to be quite a bit harsher than I am since he was not coddled in any way as a child, but never to the point of putting his hands on my son or screaming at him. My son loves us both. This is what you and your son deserve.

Your son may need some new discipline techniques and it's your job to handle that, Mom. But you will lose your son forever if you allow this situation to continue. Clearly, the relationship is over. You were never, ever going to be able to make it work, without sacrificing your happiness, or your son's. You did the right thing leaving, but going back was a mistake. Your husband is not going to fundamentally change who he is. He doesn't think you're a good mother, he doesn't like your son, and he's mean and nasty. These things are not going to change. This is just his personality.

You should really, really consider going to counseling with just your son. Figure out a plan to repair that relationship, and figure out a way to move on with your life once and for all. And never, ever let a miserable bully come between you and your child ever again.

I brought up again that he wasn’t affectionate or loving with me. He said that he just hasn’t forgiven me and he needs more time to think about if he wants to be with me. That he’s always wondering if he’s going to come home and see I’ve left him again. I told him that I wanted to know if he was planning on leaving, I wasn’t financially prepared to be on my own. I said I needed to be able to protect myself. He said, why should I feel secure when he doesn’t. He said I don’t contribute anything to the relationship. He told me that while he cares about me, he isn’t sure if he loves me or is “in love” with me anymore. He hasn't said he wants a divorce. He says he needs more time to figure it out. My heart is completely broken. I feel like he wanted me back just to get even with me.

This is all about control.

If he merely had a medical condition and that is why he wasn't so intimate and he was a good, caring man, you still would have a wonderful marriage full of respect and caring. Being physically affectionate is the least of your worries. He is not getting a divorce from you because you have proven you are okay with being controlled. And when you had no job of course all the better for him. My ex used to threaten all sorts of things all the time. He wants to make you feel blamed, feel at fault, etc. You need to financially prepare yourself to be on your own - open up a bank account he doesn't know about and put even $20 in here or there, work overtime, whatever. If you have to move to a women's shelter temporarily or look in the paper for a room for rent - do it. Don't tell him of your plans. What about your family? Can you stay at parents or a sister's even if on their sofa for a few weeks? See an attorney quietly.

You need to also repair your relationship with your son.