Boyfriend of 7 years got someone preg while we were on a "break"

This is a very long story so im going to do my best to give an overview thats not too long.

We have been together 7 years. I was about 25 he was 27. Now 32 and 34 . Our relationship has always been pretty easy, no fighting really. We are very deeply in love with each other which is why we have been together so long.

From the beginning he was honest and told me that there a good chance he'd want to be alone someday. I ignored it pretty much, after the years went by I thought this feeling would go away. It came up a couple times over the years.

We broke up around year 3 for this reason, bc he wanted to be alone have "more experiences" ( he feels he missed out on a lot growing up and hasnt been with many people) I was devastated to hear the news at first, once I calmed down i was understanding, somehow and we were civil. He went to EU for a total of 3 months, the whole time we kept in touch just like always. He decided after 3 months he had to come back to me.

Things were just as they always were, time passed, it came up again that he felt this uncontrollable desire to be alone,grow on his own, have experiences, see what he really wants. Now he's 34, at this OMG im getting old, my face is changing, midlife crisis type phase.

He told me he wanted to go away again on his own, again i was devastated and also tired of this coming up and I blurted out "Just go, do whatever you need to do and hopefully you can come back and finally be happy" *we did not break up, we should have** Even though i was saddened that we had to go through this, i really thought Id be ok with it if he did "whatever he needed" and came back to me. I really care about him ALOT and want him to be truly happy and myself as well. I thought maybe this would finally "cure" him of his desires and allow him to put it all behind.

He left, I began to actually think about what I had said, and regretted it. It was too late he had slept with someone. After lots of crying and emotions I pulled my self together and remembered what I had told him, that I was OK with him doing what he needed to do to figure things out. I stood by while he "dated" someone, it was only serious and they were sleeping together for about 2 weeks. had known each other about a 5 weeks maybe. It was very depressing for me , i was miserable. We argued alot, talked and talked about it , how i felt, how he felt, if he was even going to come back. He became torn between wanting to be with me and be happy and also wanting a diff type of life. He choose to come back to me and put everything behind him so we could try again. (he was gone for about 2 months total) I ok'd him coming back and that we'd try it again.

He came back, it was very rough in the begining, i was very emotional and sad about what had happened. He apparently hurt the other woman also bc he left so he was dealing with alot of guilt around all of it.

Fast forward now about 6 months after his return. She emails him saying she had gotten preg..became very scared and sad and got an abortion..she said this happened month ago and was just telling him now.

He became very upset about it , crying, sobbing about how his baby was killed. How he never thought he'd feel that way about this. It was EXTREMELY hard for me to see him so upset about this bc of how it happened. I got very upset my self. Thinking all kinds of things.. I want to have a baby with him, not yet, we are not ready. But i want to have that experince and bond with him. So to find out he got someone else preg..even tho it was an accident and she aborted still hurt me deeply and I an unable to be there for him bc my emotions around it all are way to strong. I should say that he told me they used protection and he was very careful, I do believe him bc I know how he is with cleanliness , disease and getting someone preg. I know he wouldnt do anything stupid for those reasons and thus i believe it happened somehow as a mistake.

This just all came out a couple says ago, im still very upset as is he and like i said i cant be there for him bc its so hard for me. The memoirs of it all come flooding back.

We cant talk about it bc it ends up with me crying and him getting upset bc he cant talk to me about it, has no one else to talk to about it and he feels like he cant grieve about it bc my emotions are over powering his.

I know he and she will be emailing about this and its really hard to know that this happened with someone else and now they are dealing with it. My bf of 7 years is going through something so hard, with someone else, something that happened while we were still technically together that hurt me really badly.

I need some help here... I feel so lost, I don't know what to do. I over think things alot and then its a downward spiral of emotions and crying. I need some advice... some wisdome..something

You are so in love with each other that he leaves you on a regular basis, goes on trips, fcks other women, gets one pregnant (you are continuing to delude yourself that he used protection. Sweetie, there was no miraculous conception here. He didn't use a condom, she got knocked up. End of.) Add to it that he told you from day one that he is not mentally or emotionally healthy and that he will do this to you. 7 years and multiple trips down sh$t lane where he PROVED to you that he is exactly what he told you he is, you keep hoping that he will miraculous become someone else. How many more years of YOUR life that YOU will never get back are you willing to waste on this loser?

If you still are hoping for a normal husband and a family, you better get the heck out of this mess and actually look for mentally and emotionally healthy man who wants same with you. Hate to say this but you aren't 20 anymore and don't have another 5 years to waste before you finally wake up. Time to wake up today.

When you hear this proceed no further:

"From the beginning he was honest and told me that there a good chance he'd want to be alone someday. "

but as OP says:

"I ignored it pretty much, after the years went by I thought this feeling would go away. It came up a couple times over the years. "

I know i sound like a complete juvenile moron with this post. Im not looking for people to be mean.. but to consider there is ALOT more to this story. I'm looking for compassionate people who are able to understand that things arent as they seem , that life is hard and complicated, im looking for kind words of help and wisdom not people telling me i am a moron

i feel you pain. To get to know, love of my life messed up after break up and got someone pregnant.. I would be devasted! But from the womens point of view... I can not imagine, I would sleep with a fling without condom/or at least the pill (for many reasons, adults knows, right?) And IF, i would get pregnant- I would discuss the abortion with the guy. And If I would not like to discuss it with him and get abortion straight away, why I would even tell him later on? Can that be even true?

Do yourself favor, end it. This is not man for marriage. Yet.

Ajj:

Who here called you a moron?!!

You are getting top class advice, and this is not a "there, there dear" kind of place, where people tell others what they want to hear.

Yes, life is hard, and we are going by what you are telling us. If there is a lot more to this story then say so. We only have the written word here.

Again, if this man told you at the outset that one day he would want to be alone where was the point in proceeding with an eventually hurtful relationship. That is all I ask.

I know you didnt call me that, it how i feel when re-reading and what i think people must think bc it sounds so crazy.

I proceed bc i love him so much and i care about him, as much as i do my self. which is why i let him go. This is the only time he actually did something and the second time we "split" the first time he coudlnt do anything bc he was too depressed that we had broken up. This time was different bc we did not break up and i told him it was ok to do what he had to do. That was MY mistake in telling him that. I believe its possible to love someone with all your heart and still feel conflicted with what you want. esp when you reach an age where you realize you are getting older.. Yes he told be from the begging and yes it came up again... he says he wants to be with me but he had uncontrollable thoughts of wanting to also be alone.. he doesnt want to loose me and knows he cant have both, which is why we thought this "break" would help. It seems to have hurt more then help... I dont really know what im looking for with this post... i felt desperate to reach out and see what would come out of it... I have a very hard time figuring out what I want and not being influenced by others... maybe im the one who needs time alone to find myself...

I wonder my self if she only said it to make him feel sorry for her.. I don't know,,, and if thats the case idk if she will ever admitt that... until then,, if that even happens. i deal with it

I know i sound like a complete juvenile moron with this post. Im not looking for people to be mean.. but to consider there is ALOT more to this story. I'm looking for compassionate people who are able to understand that things arent as they seem , that life is hard and complicated, im looking for kind words of help and wisdom not people telling me i am a moron

No, you are not a moron. You are a woman who ignored a blatant warning, stayed on with a man who is no good for her, fell in love, invested herself into someone who doesn't deserve her love and is now having an impossible time letting go of that bad investment. Deep down you know you need to, otherwise you wouldn't have posted here. Time to cut your losses. You don't keep putting money into a company that's going bankrupt. You don't keep investing your life into a bankrupt relationship. Unfortunately, contrary to hollywood rom coms, there is no happily ever after in this scenario in real life. In real life, you just become bankrupt yourself and your love won't save him, but it will sink you.

". I have a very hard time figuring out what I want and not being influenced by others.."

I think Ajj that you are in turmoil because of all the events you relate in your OP. Anyone would be in turmoil.

The good people on here WILL help you to see clearly. That is NOT the same as being influenced, by no means.

Just to remark that 35 is not mid-life! L. If you said he was 55 yrs old maybe yes.

and you remark:

"he feels he missed out on a lot growing up and hasnt been with many people"

Fair enough. In which case he should have gone that road alone without involving you in a relationship. Alone and on his own, back then, get these experiences he didn't have growing up, whatever he meant by that, and when all that was out of his system THEN embark on a LTR with you.

And I agree Ajj, it is good to be able to stand back and look at the situation with cool eyes, and if you can, in confidence with an objective third party there in real life.

He tells me himself.. I deserve better and that I should leave him. I feel SO invested now, and i love him SO SO much. I just keep hoping the issues he has will go away. I know that he really wants this to work, wants to be happy with me, but he keeps getting these other feelings.. and he has stayed with me fighting it bc he wants me so badly. He really is not an like it seems, he is just very confused and wants two things he cant have together.

I can tell you 100% love does not carry the day. I would do yourself an immense favour and leave . Take time to grieve this and then find someone worthy of you .

I think that he as well thought his "thoughts" would go away also, and as our relationship grew and he fell in love with me, he couldnt let me go.. so he stayed trying to fight the demons . He wants this relationship he really does... he just has a lot of unsorted issues...

He is incredibly selfish and self centered and he is destroying people's lives with his selfishness. He has hurt you and he hurt this other woman and no doubt there are more. Why you keep catering to him is beyond me because he does not deserve it.

He doesn't care about you, if he did, he would have considered your feelings long, long time ago before he starting sticking his private into other women.

The first time he pulled this, you should have told him to go and stay gone and not took him back. But you are teaching him that you're his doormat and he can go screw other women and you'll still be sat there when he decides he wants you back.

Do you not have any pride or self worth? Why do you keep allowing this man to be so horrible to you and treat you like this?

This is not love, his actions are not love. He is thinking of himself and only himself.

We honestly try it help people here, not degrade. I am going to ignore most the post because I think it has been covered by others.

A guy that can't commit won't commit. If he does commit when he doesn't want to then your relationship will implode.

This is a cycle that isn't going to stop. Do you want kids with this guy? If he runs out on you so easily now it will happen a lot more with the struggles of starting a family. It sounds like if you do have children with him you are asking to be a single mom.

I know it is hard but picture your future with this guy and cut all the wishful thinking. How would that make you happy?

I am sorry but this guy does not sound good for you.

ajj...you are blaming yourself for him sleeping with another woman because you told him to. That's wrong. He, as a man who is committed to you after all you have done for him and all your loyalty, shouldn't have ever been wanting to be with another woman in the first place.

I know you keep telling yourself that his reasoning is okay because he wanted more experiences and maybe that's true. But he should not have dragged you along and let you suffer it out. Someone who loves you does not do those kinds of things to you!

And truthfully, if he loved you so much and was satisfied at home, he wouldn't care about what else was out there. He is using it as an excuse and you fell for it and felt sorry for him, all the while you were used and treated like dirt.

That is not love!!!

Then he goes on to use another woman and treat her badly. Who does this guy think he is?

He is thinking of himself only and is thinking with his nether regions . He is very selfish.

You are addicted and have convinced yourself that you NEED him, but you are disillusioned and are being treated so badly and he will hurt you more as time passes.

You can't fix someone who is selfish like this.

I can't make it anymore clearer than that. If you still are going to convince yourself that what he has done is okay and that he does love you, then we are all at a loss here.

These are all hard fact, Ajj. Hard to hear, but unfortunately true. Besides if he had these psychological issues then the person he should be working on them with is a therapist, who would help him to work on himself.

I have to agree totally with Sherry's post.

I want it to work out so bad. I dont want to start over. I love him. I know it sounds crazy and hard to believe but he does love me. He always says he doesnt want to continue to hurt me and that i should leave and be with someone who will treat me right and make me happy bc he is unsure if he will ever be able to.

I hear you in my mom's words of years ago. I wish I could implore you to think otherwise. Think better of yourself.

To Clarify He doesnt run out so easily.. it was a very hard decision he made to leave both times.. he felt he had to but didnt want to... the first time we broke up.. and he wasnt with anyone..became very depressed bc we weren't together and came back after 3 months He has been committed to me for 7 years... the ONLY reason he did this was bc i gave him to go ahead.. other wise we would have broken up.. he wouldnt have done it behind my back,, i know bc we have had indepth talks about this... this is so so complicated

AJJ:

I want it to work out so bad. I dont want to start over.

Wanting something so bad does not mean that a) you can have it, and b) that it is in your best interests.

So, if you hadn't given him what you call the "go ahead" you'd have broken up. That was some bargain you struck AJJ.

Listen to me: if he loved you he would have worked with the aid of a therapist or other professional on his issues while with you. Not gone the very selfish DIY route he took. If he loved you, truly and maturely, he would NOT have done what he done.

It is most important AJJ, that you stand back from this, try to clear your head and think objectively. Right now you are running on fear, and fear is one bad advisor.

Why would you want to take back a loser like this? He doesn't deserve you after what he did.

He is so unbelievably self-centered. Please, please, please move on with your life and leave him behind.

I feel SO invested now, and i love him SO SO much.

As the saying goes: Don't throw good money after bad money.

You'll never get back the years you lost in this relationship.

Why don't you start loving yourself and the time you have left on earth SO SO much instead of wasting your love and generosity on him?

You know, AJJ, we only have this one life and it is dreadful to throw away time on a lost cause, and let valuable days go by when you could be building a future for yourself in happier circumstances.

This man does not love you, because in actual fact he does not love himself, but is self-absorbed. Don't do this to yourself, please.

This guy sounds like quite a catch.