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Thread: Long distance break up without any reason

  1. #1
    May10
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    Long distance break up without any reason

    My ex broke up with me last Wednesday. Everything was normal so it was a big surprise for me. We have been dating for almost two years. Last September, he decided to move out of New York and move to Hawaii. Before his move we discussed to continue our relationship because we both loved each other. I was going to move at by the end of 2017. We agreed that if we think long distance is not working out, I will move to Hawaii immediately and if I cannot find job there we will move to California (I am on h1 visa so it's hard to switch job). We were talking about moving together, buying an apartment in Hawaii and getting married.

    I have meet his family and travel with them. Since he couldn't take time off from new job for 6 months, I have been visiting him frequently. I went with him in September to help him move. I looked up apartments, scheduled appointment and helped him organize his apartment. Since he was busy with work, I stayed two week and bought everything for the apartment (except bed) because for me it was my apartment too...I was planning to move there in a year. Then I visited him in December for Christmas and New Years and stayed there two weeks. I recently went in March with my family. So this time it was his turn to visit NY, he was supposed to come this Thursday. But he called me last Wednesday and said that he is not coming and he wants to break up.

    He said he hasn't been happy recently and think it's not working out. I was in shock because till that phone call, we were having normal conversation...discussing how our day went, saying love you and miss you etc. I asked him if he doesn't want long distance then I can try to move immediately and he said he doesn't want to continue and it won't change anything. I asked him if he found somebody else, he said no. I asked him if he doesn't love me anymore the same way and he said he still loves me but that doesn't mean the relationship will work. Recently we had some arguments and I complained about long distance because of the 6 hour time difference and him not calling me on time. So I asked if that was the reason then he doesn't have to call me often. He said that was not the reason.

    I asked him to give us one more chance because we never had a big fight or argument before, he said that there is nothing to change to make it work...I have been great, there is no 3rd person involved so nothing for us to work on. He said I deserve someone better and someone that can be there with me physically. He said he still wants to be friend but not to keep in contact in the beginning. We said goodbye to each other and I cried the whole night.

    It was his birthday this weekend, and I had ordered him gifts before the break up so he messaged me on Friday saying thank you for the gift and sorry for hurting me and if I need to talk I can call him anytime. I really missed him so I called him. I asked him the reason that it went from moving in with someone and buying an apartment together to 100% sure breaking up in one phone call. I asked if he was stressed from work or he needed some time to think and we can talk about us after few weeks or month. He said he is 100% sure that it's over and doesn't need time to think and wants me to move on.

    I requested him to meet me once, I was willing to fly down to Hawaii just to see him even for 5 minutes to say our goodbye in person. He said no because that's not going to change anything and I told him I understand that but he means a lot to me and I just wanted to see him once in person before I can move on peacefully, and after investing so much time I don't want our last contact to be a phone call. He said it's been only two days from break up and it would get better. He doesn't want to see me right now, and I should try to understand that it's very hard for him, he needs some time and space. So I told him that he should also understand how I am feeling and if he ever loved me me then if I give him some time, he is willing to meet me once. He initially said no but eventually he said he will consider it but for now he doesn't want to see me at all.

    Today, it will be a week that he broke up with me and only second day with no contact. It's very hard, I can't stop crying, I have zero appetite and everyday I have to fight myself not to buy flight ticket to Hawaii. Since he said he needs some time and space to see me, I am trying to respect his request and also give myself sometime to think rationally. I want to give it a month and see if I still have the feeling that I need to meet him once.

    I have been trying to keep myself busy and hanging out with my friends. Everyone keeps saying that it's not my fault, I deserve someone better, I should try to forget him and time will heal everything. I understand that they all mean well and it's truth that time will eventually heal this pain. But until then it's very hard and painful.

  2. #2
    WombatShadow
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    I am so sorry this has happened to you. I've been there; although my distance wasn't as far, I had an LDR end in a similar fashion a few months ago. It's the hardest thing when your ex is playing it so lovingly. "It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. I can't be what you need. You deserve someone better. I love you, so much, but I'm not in love with you." It's just agonizing.

    There are two things that could be going on here, both equally possible from what you've said.

    One: your ex is trying his hardest not to hurt you and is therefore lying. He could have found someone else, or perhaps the fighting you two had been going through has ruined the relationship from his perspective, or maybe he's been feeling like this for a long time and just didn't know how to say it (he did, after all, move all the way to Hawaii without you). By not telling you the truth of things, he could be trying to protect your heart and your ego. It's just the old "it's not you, it's me" standby.

    Two: your ex genuinely doesn't know why he's feeling like this. This is what happened with my ex. He hadn't been happy for a while, but he didn't know why. Things had changed, or maybe we had changed, or maybe things had changed and we hadn't. He didn't have an answer as to why this was happening, at least not a week after the breakup. There were reasons that didn't hold water, of course ("Our moment passed last summer without us. You deserve so much better. I can't be what you need me to be."), but as for a concrete cause there was none that I could see or that he could see.

    For me, as I have gotten away from the relationship, I've realized exactly how I contributed to him distancing himself. I was too clingy and depressing all the time, and it was more than any sane man could bear. Our relationship wasn't perfect by any means, but I definitely contributed to its destruction in ways that neither of us had the ability to see while we were so close to the relationship. As the days pass, you may begin to realize things that you hadn't noticed before. He may begin to notice them, as well, and then you will both begin to heal. At that point, perhaps reconciliation will be possible, especially if the issues can be fixed. Of course, the other side of that coin is that you may not want to reconcile with him once you've begun to heal. A scary thought right now, but one that you need to keep in mind.

    Keep your chin up. The pain will shape you into someone better if you let it work its magic of motivation. Fix yourself up in whatever ways you need to (changes that you want to make for you).

    Good luck.

  3. #3
    DancingFool
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    Not sure it's so out of the blue even if he could have been more honest with you about what is actually going on with him. Moving from NY to HI is a very drastic change, not just distance wise, but also lifestyle and environment. I would guess that he has been looking for change for quite some time and part of that change is leaving even you behind. I do wonder a bit if maybe you have been so focused on making this relationship work that you have missed some clues along the way that things aren't working..... or perhaps he has been keeping it to himself too much and left you in the dark when he should have said "no" sooner.

    Unfortunately, sometimes it's like that. The relationship doesn't have to come to some big blows to end. All it takes is one person deciding that it's not working for them. I know this sucks for you and hurts like crazy so big internet hugs. That said, please please give yourself some time and room to breathe. No, you really don't want to see him one last time. It will hurt just that much worse for you. Besides, he is being clear with you that it really is 100% done and in that respect he is doing you a favor in that he is not stringing you along.

  4. #4
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    I requested him so many times to tell me the truth because it will make it easier for me to accept it. He already broke up with up and i prefer him being honest with me.

    He moved to Hawaii because he was tired of NY. He loves outdoor activities and wanted warmer weather. He visited Hawaii before and fell in love and wanted to move there to experience living there because according to him, after getting married it is easier.

    After break up, I have been thinking a lot and have made me realized that I was being very clingy. I got upset because he didn't call me for a week when his friends were visiting. I told him if that was the problem then I can change. I asked him to give me atleast one chance to try to work. But he kept saying that nothing is going to change his mind. It just hurt that he decided to end it so abruptly without any hesitation.

    I am trying to keep myself occupied. I go for hot yoga. I am even going to run a half marathon this weekend even though I signed up only for him and we were supposed to run together.

    Thank you for your wishes. It's been only a week from break up and I already broke no contact twice.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by DancingFool [Register to see the link]
    Not sure it's so out of the blue even if he could have been more honest with you about what is actually going on with him. Moving from NY to HI is a very drastic change, not just distance wise, but also lifestyle and environment. I would guess that he has been looking for change for quite some time and part of that change is leaving even you behind. I do wonder a bit if maybe you have been so focused on making this relationship work that you have missed some clues along the way that things aren't working..... or perhaps he has been keeping it to himself too much and left you in the dark when he should have said "no" sooner.

    Unfortunately, sometimes it's like that. The relationship doesn't have to come to some big blows to end. All it takes is one person deciding that it's not working for them. I know this sucks for you and hurts like crazy so big internet hugs. That said, please please give yourself some time and room to breathe. No, you really don't want to see him one last time. It will hurt just that much worse for you. Besides, he is being clear with you that it really is 100% done and in that respect he is doing you a favor in that he is not stringing you along.
    Yeah he moved to Hawaii last September all of sudden. He kept saying he is unhappy in New York and wants to move out. He is an outdoor person and loves warm weather. Perhaps you are right I have been so focused on keeping the relationship going that I missed some signs. I just visited him in late march with my family. The trip was great and It was normal. I have been reading through all our messages this month to figure out when he started becoming different but I can't. Even till that day the text was normal and the phone call started as usual until I asked him his flight details for this Thursday.

    I do realize I have been putting pressure on keeping in touch. You are right, it is big lifestyle change and not just distance. He goes to gym, running, hiking or surfing everyday. And he is very busy with those activities and I kept expecting to call me. I used to get annoyed when he goes out late night and comes back and calls me at 2-3am.

    That's the exact thing he told me. That relationship doesn't have to have big fights to end. Thank you for all the hugs. I need that a lot. I know he is doing me a favor by keep saying he is 100% sure. He said he doesn't want me to wait for him and wants me to move one.

    I know seeing him one more time will hurt me even more, plus he already mentioned many times that he doesn't want to see me. It's just feels so weird, after all these time I didn't even get to see him one last time in person.

  6. #6
    DancingFool
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    Actually him not bothering to call you for an entire week is a clue that he has been drifting from you. When you are into your relationship, you naturally want to talk to your SO, share what you have been up to, etc. Friends visiting just gives you more stuff to chat and share about. Might even make you miss your SO more because you wish they were there to share in whatever you were doing.

    The only clingy part that I see is how quick you are to say "whatever you don't like, I'll change for you." Thing is that you should never stoop so low for anyone. The other part is that whatever incompatibilities he sees between you, aren't going to be as simple as "I'll change x for you." At the same time, he will not criticize you because you aren't actually broken as a person. More probably he is looking for someone who is different and ultimately, you will be better off with a guy where you are not tempted to change yourself to please him, he will be pleased with just you as you are.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by DancingFool [Register to see the link]
    Actually him not bothering to call you for an entire week is a clue that he has been drifting from you. When you are into your relationship, you naturally want to talk to your SO, share what you have been up to, etc. Friends visiting just gives you more stuff to chat and share about. Might even make you miss your SO more because you wish they were there to share in whatever you were doing.

    The only clingy part that I see is how quick you are to say "whatever you don't like, I'll change for you." Thing is that you should never stoop so low for anyone. The other part is that whatever incompatibilities he sees between you, aren't going to be as simple as "I'll change x for you." At the same time, he will not criticize you because you aren't actually broken as a person. More probably he is looking for someone who is different and ultimately, you will be better off with a guy where you are not tempted to change yourself to please him, he will be pleased with just you as you are.
    Yeah that's what I told him when we had argument but he was texting me the whole weekend constantly and saying he misses me and wish I was there. He argued back that he was making sure that he was texting me so it's not like he disappeared and I am making a big deal out of nothing. We argued for a bit but after that I thought that topic was over.

    Yeah he said same thing that I don't need to change. If phone calls are important for me then I have every right to ask so I didn't do anything wrong.

    Just hurt a lot and very disappointed that he never expressed anything that was bothering him and without any discussion cut everything off in one call.

  8. #8
    BelliniBella
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    I am sorry for your pain and loss.
    I used to have long distance relationship and they require patience and good communication. Of course, sometime it is difficult to keep them interesting. But what keeps it alive is your plans together- marriage, appartment and futute moving together. However, as at normal relationship, the same for long distance relationship, there is kind of ... etique! People do not break thought the phone. I am sorry, but it is childish and selfish.. out of the blue, without telling you reason? This guy is truly so mysterious..... I am wondering why!
    I see that you took to many actions over his decision. He breaks with you and you want to fly over to tell you why? Ok I get it, I would like to know it too. But his choice was to tell you this horrible way. If he would be 100% honest person who cares for your feelings, he would be the one come to you and tell you this news! But he has no balls for it, and to explain you. Guess why...
    I would say, dont put yourself down. I would wish him be well and go no contact.

    I wish you luck!

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by BelliniBella [Register to see the link]
    I am sorry for your pain and loss.
    I used to have long distance relationship and they require patience and good communication. Of course, sometime it is difficult to keep them interesting. But what keeps it alive is your plans together- marriage, appartment and futute moving together. However, as at normal relationship, the same for long distance relationship, there is kind of ... etique! People do not break thought the phone. I am sorry, but it is childish and selfish.. out of the blue, without telling you reason? This guy is truly so mysterious..... I am wondering why!
    I see that you took to many actions over his decision. He breaks with you and you want to fly over to tell you why? Ok I get it, I would like to know it too. But his choice was to tell you this horrible way. If he would be 100% honest person who cares for your feelings, he would be the one come to you and tell you this news! But he has no balls for it, and to explain you. Guess why...
    I would say, dont put yourself down. I would wish him be well and go no contact.

    I wish you luck!
    Yeah it requires lot of work. We always meet each other once in every one and half month. We had plans for moving in together latest by the end of this year. We had plans on buying an apartment together. We both love dogs so we were planning on adopting a dogs after we move in together.

    That's what I told him. I don't understand it at all. He was supposed to visit me in NY this week but he called a week before to break up. He said flying there to break up is useless because it will be waste of both our time since he already made up his mind about break up. I asked him to meet me halfway somewhere in west coast or I can fly down there to talk like adult and say our goodbye. He rejected saying he doesn't want to see me right now and try to understand him and give him some space. Maybe after sometime he will consider meeting me but he doesn't want me to wait because even then his answer would be the same.

    I called him second day after we broke up. We spoke for more than hour and he said he wants to hang up because our conversation was not going anywhere and he cannot take it and it's been only two days so he really needs space.

    If he truly cared for me as he claims he still loves me, he would at least be honest with me. Thank you for your wishes. I am trying to do no contact. But it has been hard because of his birthday. I had ordered him gifts before his breakup so it was just delivered. So he messaged me saying thank you. I will try to do no contact and give both of some time and hopefully he will agree to meet me or maybe I won't have urge to meet him anymore by then.

  10. #10
    BelliniBella
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    i am sorry. I would feel so dissapointed, to count on someone to build something together, and then he cancel on it. Sh happens. and he proved he is not commited guy and you cant count on him. I would stick to the no contact. there is a lot of videos on youtube that i think can help more than reading

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