Feeling at a loss

Been with my bf for almost 2yrs now. I moved from another country to be with him after 6 months of long distance relationship.

It's been rough, but I expected it to be. But it hasn't gotten any better and recently it just went downhill.

He is selfish and only really cares about how he feels.

Example 1. He loves cars. Loves them. I knew that he would buy a fast car one day. So when he said he was going to wait a while and save money instead of getting a car, I was like good idea.

Then, he decides to go test drive one. Comes back and tells me he's getting it. Super confused, I ask him what happened to waiting. He says, he doesn't want to and wants the car now.

So I try to explain to him the many reasons why right now is not a good time. His response is, " you're absolutely right, but I want it" and he bought it.

Example 2. We had this long talk, after an argument about how we need to work together to make this work. He tells me he agrees and that he knows he acts like an and he knows it's not right. That it needs to change.

Fast forward a week later, 445am he blows up at me swearing and mad because I didn't tell him the night before that I wasn't going to the gym with him.

Starts telling me how he's sick of this and how I do this all the time(which I only did once before).

So when I get home that evening I tell him how I'm not really happy about what happened this morning and didnt appreciate his tone. And his response is, whatever, you need to take responsibility for your actions. I explain that yes I should told him sooner and I apologized but that his behaviour was inappropriate. He tells me that's fine, might as well be single. Just easier not to have to deal with this .

And this has continued for the last few weeks. Just remarks like that. Tonight he tells me he's gonna be home not too late cause he's exhausted and wants to do gym in the morning. Shows up at 11(that's late considering we go to bed at 730pm every night) completely drunk.

I'm pissed and I did get mad at him. He responded with I needed this I need to get out.

I'm like why? Cause you're unhappy? Hes like yes but you are too. I told him that I was but that I also love him and would hope that he would make an effort. He says to me, " I'm not that guy".

I'm stupid aren't I?

The guy is clearly pushing me away. And yet I wanna stay. I left my home, sold everything I had to come and live with him.

And this is what he says to me.

Am I crazy?

No, you are not crazy, but you will be crazy if you continue to stay.

It doesn't matter that you sold everything and moved to be with him, that happens. So it didn't work out, time to either move back, or simply move out and get on with your life without him.

He obviously doesn't want to be with you and while you love him, it is not enough.

"but that I also love him..."

- You don't understand what love really is.

Bad habits, (albeit, good one's too), aren't love. (e.g. living with someone, buying/selling stuff, etc.)

PS, he's doing you the favor of a lifetime... RUN!

"but that I also love him..."

- You don't understand what love really is.

 

Bad habits, (albeit, good one's too), aren't love. (e.g. living with someone, buying/selling stuff, etc.)

 

PS, he's doing you the favor of a lifetime... RUN![/

 

 

I do know what love is. And I also know no ones perfect. We all have to work at bettering ourselves everyday. But I know what you mean.

KJ, you already know the truth that's staring you in the face. He's pushing you away, and you're clinging to him when the absolute best thing in the world is to give him space.

Do you have anywhere you can stay for a couple of weeks? Any friends or coworkers that you've grown close to since moving to be with him? If so, have a chat with your boyfriend and tell him that you think you should leave for a little while. Don't say that you want to break up (unless you do, in fact, decide to break up) or that you want a break (I and many others don't believe in breaks; either you're together or not), but just say that you want to get a little space so you can look at the situation objectively. Continue dating and seeing each other during this time at your will and his, but perhaps what you two need is some time without constantly being with each other. It's hard to go from a super LDR to living together, even if you've been dating for a significant period of time first.

Don't cling to him. That will only serve to push him away more. Give him some space, work with him in whatever capacity you can without being overbearing, and see if things start to shift. If not, then you're already out of his home and can make the decision to go out on your own.

Also, if you don't have a support system in this country you're in, start developing one. It's dangerous to only have your SO specifically because of situations like this one.

I'm sorry but you both sound very controlling with each other and butting heads. You are his gf and therefore have no say whatsoever about how he spends his money. If he wants to buy a car, he doesn't need your permission, approval, or blessing. He is also free to change his mind about saving or whatever. Again, it's not your money and you have no say in it. As a gf, all you can do is observe his financial habits and determine for yourself whether you are a match in that regard or not and stay or go accordingly.

Going to bed at 7:30pm both of you? Always? At the same time? How is that even possible. You two are individual people. Surely not always are you both exactly sleepy at that time...... Again, this is really weird, controlling behavior. He is not selfish wanting to go out and have a life, hang out with his friends, etc. Again, he is free to tell you he plans to be home early but then change his mind. He is an independent adult and you are not his mommy where he must report to you and get permission from you.

As for picking an argument with you in the morning, I really don't know if this is a regular thing that if you don't do as he wishes he will flip on you, as you will flip on him too, or if this was an isolated incident.

Either way, it doesn't sound like you two are very compatible and like he is very much fed up with this relationship and is pushing you away....or rather sounds like he ended things????

Anyway, this guy or another guy, you might want to rethink what personal space within a relationship should look like. My impression is that it's sorely lacking in this relationship and it's likely being caused by both of you.

I'm sorry but you both sound very controlling with each other and butting heads. You are his gf and therefore have no say whatsoever about how he spends his money. If he wants to buy a car, he doesn't need your permission, approval, or blessing. He is also free to change his mind about saving or whatever. Again, it's not your money and you have no say in it. As a gf, all you can do is observe his financial habits and determine for yourself whether you are a match in that regard or not and stay or go accordingly.

 

Going to bed at 7:30pm both of you? Always? At the same time? How is that even possible. You two are individual people. Surely not always are you both exactly sleepy at that time...... Again, this is really weird, controlling behavior. He is not selfish wanting to go out and have a life, hang out with his friends, etc. Again, he is free to tell you he plans to be home early but then change his mind. He is an independent adult and you are not his mommy where he must report to you and get permission from you.

 

As for picking an argument with you in the morning, I really don't know if this is a regular thing that if you don't do as he wishes he will flip on you, as you will flip on him too, or if this was an isolated incident.

 

Either way, it doesn't sound like you two are very compatible and like he is very much fed up with this relationship and is pushing you away....or rather sounds like he ended things????

 

Anyway, this guy or another guy, you might want to rethink what personal space within a relationship should look like. My impression is that it's sorely lacking in this relationship and it's likely being caused by both of you.

Ya we both do go to bed at that time.

Just always tired. The weekends he goes to bed later.

And we're not controlling. I don't find him controlling. And the fact that he bought the car without any consideration for my opinion, is a ty thing to do. It's a lot of money and not something that was necessary at the time considering what we had going on. If we were 6months in, I'd say ok but I've been living with him for a year and we've dating for almost 2. Even though I have my bank account and he has his, it's just about being respectful and coming together as a couple. Discussing things before making large purchases.

I get what you're saying though and we have been butting heads and we are very different. He said it himself, all his relationships end the same way and his ex told him the same things I told him.

Do you split costs equally? Can you move back home? Why did you move to his country? It sounds like he isn't who you thought he was and that you are very incompatible.

I've been living with him for a year and we've dating for almost 2. Even though I have my bank account and he has his.

Do you split costs equally? Can you move back home? Why did you move to his country? It sounds like he isn't who you thought he was and that you are very incompatible.

We don't split everything considering he makes a lot more than I do. But I do help out as much as I can like paying my portion of the rent, buying groceries and paying for dinners n stuff like that.

I can't but I could move to my moms for a period of time.

And ya, that's what I kinda feel like. We're just too different.

How long were you dating in person before you moved in?

How long were you dating in person before you moved in?

6 months.

Not very long considering we were in different countries.

We're from the same city and met at a party. Started chatting when he moved for his new job. And that's how it started.

6 months.

Not very long considering we were in different countries.

We're from the same city and met at a party. Started chatting when he moved for his new job. And that's how it started.

So in that six months you two lived in the same city and dated/were in an in-person relationship? It wasn't long-distance with most of the communication via electronics (phone/laptop)?

So in that six months you two lived in the same city and dated/were in an in-person relationship? It wasn't long-distance with most of the communication via electronics (phone/laptop)?

No, we were long distance. We started chatting the day he moved.

And were friends for a few months then I came to visit him and we decided to start dating. We did the long distance thing(with me coming to visit every month almost) from Nov to June. And then we got our own place.

Well, that explains a lot. Chatting and visiting doesn't usually work as far as truly getting to know a person on a day to day basis. Seems like you two decided for you to move in prematurely. And now you're finding out who the "real" him is.

Well, that explains a lot. Chatting and visiting doesn't usually work as far as truly getting to know a person on a day to day basis. Seems like you two decided for you to move in prematurely. And now you're finding out who the "real" him is.

We went quick, I won't deny that.

I thought things would be difficult to a certain extent but ya it's been an eye opener.