Dating a doctor sucks

Hi guys Im Bryan, I've been in a relationship for 9 years with my childhood friend. We met as friends when we are in highschool but ended up as a couple in our first year in college. She has been a woman of ambition ever since and I'm more of the yolo type of guy. I supported her in all her endeavors including taking up medicine and ending up in a Long distance relationship for a year. we barely made it through that phase. All of my career decisions I base entirely from her, If i'll be working it should be near her. She finished medicine, took the board exam and now a physician. I kept holding on to her even though she barely has time for us. I visit her always and lived near her when she was studying. She said that we just keep holding on because after being a physician everything will be better and back to a normal relationship. but alas, despite of my advice not to take residency immediately and enjoy our remaining years of youth together, she decided to take residency. Now its the worst, I can barely see her if I dont visit her. When I visit her its either she is doing reports or sleeping. When I take her out it will be around 10pm - 12am and she will end up sleeping in the restaurant or the cinema. I feel like I don't have a girlfriend anymore inspite of my efforts to be with her. I clean her house for her, wash the laundry for her just to be able free up some time for us. Latey she has been loaded with work and other responsibilities and became irritable. We only see each other once a week now due to her hectic sched and when we have our date I always get disappointed because she will ask me to go with her to a coffee shop and work there while I am watching her. When she is depressed she wants me to immediately come to her for support. There are times I cant go, and she ends up saying I'm not supportive of her. I've been supporting her as far as I can remember. If I have problems I would rather not tell her because I would not want to add up to her problems. We have been discussing marriage for a couple of years now but now I'm in doubt if I'll be happy with her and the career she chose.

I love her but recently I'm not happy where this is going.

I feel like a dog begging for her attention.

Crap I feel like .

Any advice? Thanks in advance.

Residency is horrendous, you really need to understand what she is dealing with. I'm sure she is exhausted.. It won't be forever. If you love her, then stick with it.

^^This is true, but then comes long hours as a doctor and being on call. You just have to decide if you can live that life. Maybe you can connect with a spouse of doctor support group. I bet there's one online where you can get an idea of what your future may be like. Tough decision.

^^This is true, but then comes long hours as a doctor and being on call. You just have to decide if you can live that life. Maybe you can connect with a spouse of doctor support group. I bet there's one online where you can get an idea of what your future may be like. Tough decision.

This is not necessarily true. Kaiser Permanente, for example, has clinics, and these clinics have set hours. So if she goes into something like that it should work out. Kaiser has some excellent doctors and I am sure that they could could command a higher pay elsewhere, but I suspect they opt for Kaiser because they want to have a life. So I would suggest that the OP discuss what her intentions are beyond residency. chi

The thing is, we don't know what she will decide to do and if she will choose hours that work around marriage and family life.

She needs someone who is supportive of her career ambitions, and if you can't be that person and need a more emotionally invested partnership then you both need to find someone else. I am more on her side of things when it comes to relationships - huge ambitions and any partner I have needs to be emotionally available but they will probably need to have a similar level of ambition because otherwise how could they understand when I meet my emotional quota for the day by sending a few kisses in a text message and then go back to investing the rest of me in my work?

You can try to take this as an opportunity to find a hobby/passion that you can work on alongside her when you visit. But if you're not that kind of person, you two are always going to have problems with the dissonance.

I don't know if she could have put the residency on hold for the remaining years of her youth. I guess I thought it was the required next step. I have a neighbor who hung in there for years with her BF and his medical career choice. It eventually ended and I couldn't help but to wonder if she was bitter about it (never asked) having been there for him all through his education years. I would not be down for seeing my BF once a week. While I get how exhausted she must be, how long can you hang around and wait for her? Then again, you have invested nine years... It's a tough call. I think she is stringing you along, expecting you to wait some more. If she decides she is done with you after her residency, then what? I would sit her down and figure out where this is going. I wouldn't wait around anymore.

The thing is, we don't know what she will decide to do and if she will choose hours that work around marriage and family life.

 

She needs someone who is supportive of her career ambitions, and if you can't be that person and need a more emotionally invested partnership then you both need to find someone else. I am more on her side of things when it comes to relationships - huge ambitions and any partner I have needs to be emotionally available but they will probably need to have a similar level of ambition because otherwise how could they understand when I meet my emotional quota for the day by sending a few kisses in a text message and then go back to investing the rest of me in my work?

 

You can try to take this as an opportunity to find a hobby/passion that you can work on alongside her when you visit. But if you're not that kind of person, you two are always going to have problems with the dissonance.

Honestly man from being yolo seeing her with ambitions I developed ambitions of my own just to keep myself distracted of all time she was not there. I was able to put up two businesses which I can say financially stable now and I can even say I can support her financially without her working. I am in the stage of my life where in money not the main concern but rather want to spend more time with her. I even booked vacation trips for us but most of it are cancelled because she doesn't have a leave of some sort or she will say im free on this date but eventually ends up working in the hospital.

I always asks her if she is happy with what she's doing and she always says "She's not" and I dont get the point of moving forward with optional steps in her career if she is not happy.

The thing is, we don't know what she will decide to do and if she will choose hours that work around marriage and family life.

 

She needs someone who is supportive of her career ambitions, and if you can't be that person and need a more emotionally invested partnership then you both need to find someone else. I am more on her side of things when it comes to relationships - huge ambitions and any partner I have needs to be emotionally available but they will probably need to have a similar level of ambition because otherwise how could they understand when I meet my emotional quota for the day by sending a few kisses in a text message and then go back to investing the rest of me in my work?

 

You can try to take this as an opportunity to find a hobby/passion that you can work on alongside her when you visit. But if you're not that kind of person, you two are always going to have problems with the dissonance.

She is already in her first year of residency, and it will take around 2-3 years. and theres fellowship and I believe she is planning to move forward after residency.

Its really a drag. The thing is we don't really have a lot in common. I found a lot of hobbies and even put up businesses to keep myself distracted from feeling this way.

Right now I just want a normal relationship.

I don't think anyone should stifle their own needs and dreams for a partner. And the investment in this relationship seems unequal. All of it together is a recipe for resentment.

When you say you don't have anything in common either, it really sounds like you two just aren't compatible.

Being supportive of a partner is great, but not when it's consistently at the expense of you denying yourself what you really need. Honestly, I don't think it's healthy.

Honestly man from being yolo seeing her with ambitions I developed ambitions of my own just to keep myself distracted of all time she was not there. I was able to put up two businesses which I can say financially stable now and I can even say I can support her financially without her working. I am in the stage of my life where in money not the main concern but rather want to spend more time with her. I even booked vacation trips for us but most of it are cancelled because she doesn't have a leave of some sort or she will say im free on this date but eventually ends up working in the hospital.

I always asks her if she is happy with what she's doing and she always says "She's not" and I dont get the point of moving forward with optional steps in her career if she is not happy.

She is already in her first year of residency, and it will take around 2-3 years. and theres fellowship and I believe she is planning to move forward after residency.

Its really a drag. The thing is we don't really have a lot in common. I found a lot of hobbies and even put up businesses to keep myself distracted from feeling this way.

Right now I just want a normal relationship.

I don't think that she is going to change. For people who choose to spend that long studying/training, that's their ultimate life goal and the fact that it's their goal is what gets them through the hard times...and medical students have very high rates of mental illness, I think it's something like 1 in 4 develop clinically significant mental health deficits because the expectations are high and support is low (often hierarchical oppression and bullying become issues in residency, too). It's very competitive so she has to be single-minded to be successful, if she makes concessions for a relationship she will put herself (possibly permanently) on the back foot. But you already know that, which is why you're doing your best to be supportive.

People like this can really motivate you to change your own life and habits. But that's not what you want anymore, and it's okay to admit that. It is 100% okay to say "I'm at a place where I feel professionally fulfilled and I'm ready to settle down and move onto the next phase of my life". And you are not doing the wrong thing by her by admitting that, because you know that what she needs is to continue down this path, and that if you stay with her you're going to be unhappy and unfulfilled and neither of you will understand why you're in it anymore. This doesn't mean that you don't love her deeply or that you've wasted your time. You just want different things.

And I sense that you know this already, you just need permission to let yourself move on from this relationship and seek out what you truly want and need. You have permission to do that. It's your life.

It's also possibly the most loving thing you could do, to move on from this relationship rather than hold out and expect her to change.

Unfortunately, you're not compatible in terms of goals, values, ambition, together time, career, etc. It seems you just sort of yolo coasted along with her but are not really on board with all this.

9 years is a long long time to be in suspended animation and to never move the relationship forward in terms of living together or the future. This won't change. She's never going to have a m-f 9-5 simple desk job. And don't suggest she 'downgrade' again. She has a calling and you don't understand it or like it.

It may be best, now that you've seen what life would be like, to cut your losses. You're already resentful and frustrated. you already have one foot out the door.

9 years. She finished medicine, took the board exam and now a physician. despite of my advice not to take residency immediately and enjoy our remaining years of youth together, she decided to take residency. We only see each other once a week now due to her hectic sched.

Been with my resident girlfriend for over three years now. She'll be done and starting as a clinician this summer. While she'll for sure have more free time, I highly expect there will be a lot of hours as well as plenty of bringing work home. I enjoy my space, so her long hours and traveling for conferences are nice. She loves that she can have a long day and can come home to a bona fide jack-ass who makes her laugh. It works.

Buddy, you accepted the terms when you chose to be with her and stay with her. Take some time to sincerely consider whether this is the life for you. If not, leave so that both she and you can find someone who fits.

Been with my resident girlfriend for over three years now. She'll be done and starting as a clinician this summer. While she'll for sure have more free time, I highly expect there will be a lot of hours as well as plenty of bringing work home. I enjoy my space, so her long hours and traveling for conferences are nice. She loves that she can have a long day and can come home to a bona fide jack-ass who makes her laugh. It works.

 

Buddy, you accepted the terms when you chose to be with her and stay with her. Take some time to sincerely consider whether this is the life for you. If not, leave so that both she and you can find someone who fits.

Unfortunately, you're not compatible in terms of goals, values, ambition, together time, career, etc. It seems you just sort of yolo coasted along with her but are not really on board with all this.

 

9 years is a long long time to be in suspended animation and to never move the relationship forward in terms of living together or the future. This won't change. She's never going to have a m-f 9-5 simple desk job. And don't suggest she 'downgrade' again. She has a calling and you don't understand it or like it.

 

It may be best, now that you've seen what life would be like, to cut your losses. You're already resentful and frustrated. you already have one foot out the door.

How do you suggest to do this mate? I've been with her like forever and leaving her is like cutting a finger for me.

I don't want to hurt her knowing that I'm the only one who she can talk to when she's depressed. She has a history btw, I don't want to feel responsible if anything bad happens. Oh crap im really confused now.

If it were me I would just end the relationship. So what if she is a doctor but you can barely ever see her. Sorry, but she sounds too self important.

You're not trapped. She has plenty of options for therapy to 'talk to someone'. It's up to you to decide if you are building resentment and can't foresee living like this.

I've been with her like forever and leaving her is like cutting a finger for me. I don't want to hurt her knowing that I'm the only one who she can talk to when she's depressed.

This is not necessarily true. Kaiser Permanente, for example, has clinics, and these clinics have set hours. So if she goes into something like that it should work out. Kaiser has some excellent doctors and I am sure that they could could command a higher pay elsewhere, but I suspect they opt for Kaiser because they want to have a life. So I would suggest that the OP discuss what her intentions are beyond residency. chi

She's planning to be a cardiologist, which is someone on call.

Ok that's never ever going to be a boring predictable m-f, 9-5 job. It will be more strenuous than what you are seeing now.

Expect 12 hr days at least, during fellowship training and early partnership in a group and plenty of weekend covering and calls all night. It may be best to date a nice simple office worker.

She's planning to be a cardiologist, which is someone on call.

Hey guys, I tried to do what most of you said with regards to this issue. She came yesterday from a conference in Brazil, I was about to tell her I want a breakup but she suddenly just hugged me tight and told me "I miss you" and told me how tired she was. and then we had sex, she's awesome as ever. How can I forget how great she is in bed. Oh well I do love her I think I'm going to stick around. Thanks for all your comments guys.