Confused...please HELP!!!

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. I have three children and he has one. I was married and divorced twice, and he was married once, engaged once and in a long term relationship once.

We moved in together a year after being together.

We both know that this is it for us, we finally found our happiness with each other. And we are happy. Little disagreements here and there but nothing more you're everyday BS.

Here's my issue:

My dad gave me my grandmother's engagement ring and wedding band and I had diamonds from my mother's mother, which were given to her by my grandfather on their 2nd anniversary. My bf and I had a ring made (in April 2016) out of these jewels. I gave it to him and said "When you're ready, you give it to me."

I still haven't gotten it. He believes marriage is a jinx. He's happy the way things are and doesn't want it to change. I told him that I don't want a legal marriage (been there - done that twice!). I'd like to have a commitment ceremony, saying our vows to each other in the presence of a few good friends and family members. I'd like to legally change my last name to his, too (I hate my last name). I want to be his "wife", and for him to be my "husband".

He agreed that a ceremony like that would be nice.

This ring is so much more than "an engagement" ring...it symbolizes the love and adoration that my two sets of grandparents had for each other; the kind of love and adoration I have for my bf! To me, giving me the ring says "I love you. I adore you. I am committed to you. I want to call you my wife and give you my name."

Two birthdays and mother's days have gone by...and all of the holidays, anniversary's and family vacations in between.

Every time I think it's going to happen, I get disappointed worse than the time before.

I haven't spoken to him about it in about five months, because I don't want him to feel pressured. That's the last train I'd want him to do it. I just hurt silently...but I feel that it's taking a toll on the relationship.

I feel like I'm pulling away because of this.

I feel like we're not as connected as we used to be.

I feel that he doesn't want to give me the ring because he doesn't feel that way about me, even though he says he does.

What do I do?????

He agreed that a ceremony like that would be nice.

Why didnt you discuss it further & lock in a date when he said that it would be nice?

Because he said when the time is right...

Sorry this sounds incredibly confusing. You gave him a ring to propose to you for a non-marriage commitment ceremony and then you want to change your name to his and sorta call each other husband and wife?

It sounds like you were on the rebound from your most recent divorce and rushed in to moving in together and having an insta-family. You are doing this to yourself with this bizarre non-engagement ring, non-wedding thing. He's not hurting you, you are hurting yourself with this crazy plan.

You are lying to yourself that you don't have wedding-fever and seem to be dressing this whole thing up as a 'not-really-marriage' so it's more palatable to him?. What's your rush? This ring and sham wedding will not eventually lead to another marriage since he is crystal clear he's against it and happy coasting along as is.

It's your ring. Wear the ring if it has sentimental familial value to you. It's not an engagement ring. It's ridiculous to 'wait for him' to give it back to you. Stop the all the Disney games and work on being a couple and family.

We moved in together a year after being together. I gave it to him and said "When you're ready, you give it to me."

He believes marriage is a jinx. I'd like to legally change my last name to his, too (I hate my last name). I want to be his "wife", and for him to be my "husband".

Sorry this sounds incredibly confusing. You gave him a ring to propose to you for a non-marriage commitment ceremony and then you want to change your name to his and sorta call each other husband and wife?

 

It sounds like you were on the rebound from your most recent divorce and rushed in to moving in together and having an insta-family. You are doing this to yourself with this bizarre non-engagement ring, non-wedding thing. He's not hurting you, you are hurting yourself with this crazy plan.

 

You are lying to yourself that you don't have wedding-fever and seem to be dressing this whole thing up as a 'not-really-marriage' so it's more palatable to him?. What's your rush? This ring and sham wedding will not eventually lead to another marriage since he is crystal clear he's against it and happy coasting along as is.

 

It's your ring. Wear the ring if it has sentimental familial value to you. It's not an engagement ring. It's ridiculous to 'wait for him' to give it back to you. Stop the all the Disney games and work on being a couple and family.

This. Take the ring back and wear it proudly, in memory of the loving couples in your family.

OP, it sounds like you do in fact want marriage but you've tried to negotiate with him (and yourself) by scaling back your criteria to make it more appealing to him. Evidently, he's not sold on that idea either. He has told you he's happy with the way things are; please believe him. He likes the current status, without a ceremony and the title and you taking his surname.

You can give yourself a mental timeline if you like, and if he hasn't made any move toward making a bigger commitment after a certain period of time, then you need to ask yourself: how much is this idea of a commitment ceremony worth to you? Would you be happy never having it and keeping your own surname? With not wearing that ring as some type of promise ring? Would you be happy being his live-in life partner...full-stop?

The ceremony is definitely NOT a deal-breaker. I have no problem living the rest of my life with him not married, but I will change my name, whether to his or to my maiden name, it'll be done either way. The ring, however, has a ton of meaning. It's a promise, not an engagement ring. A promise to love and cherish each other because we have the type of love that both sets of my grandparents had. My issue was that if he's not giving to me, does he not feel those things for me? Yesterday we talked about it...he reads me like a book and didn't leave me alone until I came out with it. I told him I want to take the ring back and wear it. He said that it's for HIM to give to ME and that he's waiting for the right time, so, no I may not take the ring back. He said that he's afraid of the financials with having a ceremony so that's also why he's waited. I explained that the ring is not an engagement ring and the ceremony does not have to happen right away...we can wait a year or two...or three! He said he'd rather not wait so long after giving me the ring, but ok. I would never give an ultimatum. I really don't want to be married (for my own reasons), but I also don't want to call him my "boyfriend" forever - it seems weird to me at this stage in our lives.