All I Need is Love

Okay, so long story short... I'm a sensitive and passionate guy, and my wife is very reactionary and lacking in shows of affection.

I'll tell her about something she did that bothered me, and it's met with rolling eyes , snarky comments and reasons for why she did what she did. Then, when I'm upset because she can't address my emotions, I'm left to deal with it by myself. As I do so, upset and depressed, she needs space from me because she needs happy people around her and she can't deal with the guilt. She's said things like "can't you just cheer up? I want to have a good time [at the party] tonight!" And "just so I can get this straight, the apology has to be longer than my explanation", referring to the reason why I'm still upset after she spends an inordinate amount of time defending her actions and solves the problem with "I'm sorry for upsetting you".

I've tried talking to her about this issue, only to be met by the same defensiveness.

Another issue is my need for affection, both sexual and otherwise. She rarely hits on me, and any time I initiate something, it's "okay, but quickly" when the kids are around, which I get, but still feels lacking in any passion, like her kisses and hugs. Aside from that, she doesn't show any attraction to me; no comments, no touching (the simple kind, like just placing a hand on my chest or running her hand down my arm), and I've even tried connecting with her more by suggesting chess/backgammon games while chatting like we used to. I get a "yeah, sure" and see her catching up on tv shows the next day instead. She even brings work with her on our weekend getaways.

I'm left feeling like she doesn't care about me. She says she does, and I guess I know she does, but you know how the old saying goes - actions speak louder.

Am I just being a whiny baby? What can I do? What should I expect of her?

You need to bring the romance back not get me off quickies. That means dropping the kids at grandmas, baby sitters and date nights and romantic getaways..

Start acting like when you were dating. Make plans, go out stay in and do netflix and chills without the kiddies around. Get in shape, new clothes, hair, etc.

She rarely hits on me, and any time I initiate something, it's "okay, but quickly" when the kids are around, which I get, but still feels lacking in any passion, like her kisses and hugs.

What attracted you to her in the first place? How did you connect enough to want to get married?

The truth is, none of us ever marry the perfect person. There are always ways they could be more like our expectations, which gives us lots of room for building resentment and feeling hurt. You two have different styles, sure, and you are bothered by things she feels justified about. Does she do things intentionally to bother you? How do you want to resolve it? A different approach to something like this might be for you present a different option (short, simple, direct). Can you give us an idea of what she did that bothered you?

You need to bring the romance back not get me off quickies. That means dropping the kids at grandmas, baby sitters and date nights and romantic getaways..

 

Start acting like when you were dating. Make plans, go out stay in and do netflix and chills without the kiddies around. Get in shape, new clothes, hair, etc.

We've done the getaway thing many times (she just actually brought up having another one recently), but they're getaways-from-the-kids-to-relax (and rightly so) and not to connect. Like I said, she brings work with her for our romantic getaways.

Thanks for the advice about making changes about myself though. I'll give it a shot.

We've done the getaway thing many times (she just actually brought up having another one recently), but they're getaways-from-the-kids-to-relax (and rightly so) and not to connect. Like I said, she brings work with her for our romantic getaways.

Set some boundaries. No work for romantic getaways. Why did you two get married? What did you have in common, and what did you see in each other? I ask that in seriousness, because there was something, and it sounds like it is being neglected. What did you love about her? What do you appreciate about her now?

It sounds like a relationship on its way out. As a female, I need what you need. Without it I would wither on the vine. She sounds like she is simmering (rolling eyes , snarky comments), over what, I could not say. How to get out of that mode is a tough one, unless you get to the root of the problem. Since she wants another getaway soon, I would suggest it be one to reconnect, and for her to leave the work at home this go around. See what her reaction is. If its more snarky comments, you might want to consider counseling to see if this can be sorted out. It's no way to live.

She doesn't value you anymore. She's lost respect for you. I am all for trying to work things out, especially when kids are involved, but when things are so far gone like they are with you, the final ultimatum must be dropped. Either she takes your concerns seriously, or you'll leave. It's going to come down to this or she'll eventually leave you.

What are the problems that make you feel you need to lean on her so much?

Okay, so long story short... I'm a sensitive and passionate guy, and my wife is very reactionary and lacking in shows of affection.

 

I'll tell her about something she did that bothered me, and it's met with rolling eyes , snarky comments and reasons for why she did what she did. Then, when I'm upset because she can't address my emotions, I'm left to deal with it by myself. As I do so, upset and depressed, she needs space from me because she needs happy people around her and she can't deal with the guilt. She's said things like "can't you just cheer up? I want to have a good time [at the party] tonight!" And "just so I can get this straight, the apology has to be longer than my explanation", referring to the reason why I'm still upset after she spends an inordinate amount of time defending her actions and solves the problem with "I'm sorry for upsetting you".

 

I've tried talking to her about this issue, only to be met by the same defensiveness.

 

Another issue is my need for affection, both sexual and otherwise. She rarely hits on me, and any time I initiate something, it's "okay, but quickly" when the kids are around, which I get, but still feels lacking in any passion, like her kisses and hugs. Aside from that, she doesn't show any attraction to me; no comments, no touching (the simple kind, like just placing a hand on my chest or running her hand down my arm), and I've even tried connecting with her more by suggesting chess/backgammon games while chatting like we used to. I get a "yeah, sure" and see her catching up on tv shows the next day instead. She even brings work with her on our weekend getaways.

 

I'm left feeling like she doesn't care about me. She says she does, and I guess I know she does, but you know how the old saying goes - actions speak louder.

 

Am I just being a whiny baby? What can I do? What should I expect of her?

Sorry brother, but I'd say "whiny baby" without hearing more detail. She says she loves you, so accept it. She gives you quickies but you're complaining she's not into it? To me a quickie is a wife's ultimate expression of love because they are selflessly giving themselves. I'd thank her and tell her how grateful you are next time. I tell my wife I couldn't live without her after a quickie, and I mean it! I'm not saying you can't spice up your love life with her, but don't expect it from a quickie.

Most good (hot) women don't hit on their men... my experience. They know and expect you'll come after them and they're right. Embrace your role as man!

You also said she shows no affection, but the sentence before mentions passionless hugs and kisses. Hugs and kisses are signs of affection, just like quickies, right?

What is something she did that bothered you and you got eye rolls for bringing up?

Naturalhigh. I honestly feel very sorry for you. She sounds most selfish, and I honestly wonder does she care for you. I would absolutely not tolerate that kind of behaviour from my spouse. Everyone can have a bad day, but what you describe is a very affection-less situation, never mind loveless.

"She even brings work with her on our weekend getaways.

"

"rolling eyes , snarky comments"