Crashed my car & my boyfriend didn't turn around to help me

It's a long story, but basically my boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 and a half years, but have been friends for 2 and a half years. We get along so well, we click in every other aspect of my life but the continuous problem we've had for ages is his priorities. My boyfriend plays 1st grade soccer, meaning he gets paid to play and is trying to make it to A-league (mind you he is 25 years old which is quite old for a soccer career and if he hasn't made A league yet it's unlikely to happen.) Soccer takes up a lot of his time, he works Monday - Friday as a physiotherapist (minus Wednesday), but Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday night he trains from 6pm-9pm for soccer. So I usually only see him on weekends or on Wednesdays. Issue is now, he works Saturday 9am-5pm as a physiotherapist and on Sunday he has his soccer game. So I basically just see him Wednesday unless I go to his house Saturday night and watch his game Sunday.

Soccer has always gotten in the way from my opinion because of his contract he can't miss training days, we can't go out on weekends & we can't go on holidays between January - October. We've had loads of fights about missing out on things because of soccer. I recently just beat cancer for the third time and I wanted to go travel and really enjoy the life I almost lost but that's not possible with him. After all our petty little fights I still love him and although it frustrates the hell out of me that we can't spend that much time together I've accepted it's his passion and he loves it and I'll support his dreams.

Yesterday we were driving to his soccer game, I was in the car behind him, he and his Mum were in the car in front. We were around a slippery bend, my car skidded off the road, I hit a barrier and smashed the front of my car, the side, and damaged 4 panels. I am unable to have my car looked at for a month but my parents think it is a write off - which SUCKS, but that's not what I'm most upset about. I called my boyfriend crying hysterically, very shaken and scared saying I've just crashed my car. He asked if I was injured, which I wasn't, and I just couldn't speak because I was so upset. I asked "aren't you going to turn around?!" and he said "But I'll be late to my game" and in the background I heard his Mum say "we can't go back, you'll be late for your game" (she was driving.) By then two random strangers had come across me and come to my aid as I was a crying, blubbering mess. The man took my phone and spoke to my boyfriend letting him know more detail that my panels were smashed but I was physically okay. From that the man rang my Mum, and organised her to come and get me with my friend to get my car home (I live an hour and a half from my boyfriends house.) As I sat and waited for my Mum my boyfriend was texting me asking if I was okay, I was really upset telling him I was sad he didn't turn around and very confused as to why. He wouldn't have missed his game at all, because the team have to get there an hour and a half before the game starts. All I wanted him to do was turn around, as he was only 2 seconds in front of me, at least just give me a hug and then leave for his game. Just the fact he'd turn around to check I was okay. I don't know how he could have continued onto his game and not felt guilty that he'd left me on the side of the road, with a smashed car, shaken and crying with only the help of strangers.

After my Mum and friend picked me up we had a long talk and they agreed with why I feel so upset and offended that once again soccer was the priority, and turning around to see that I was okay when I'd just crashed was not. That night he and his Mum turned up un-announced at my house to "see that I was okay" - a little too late and convenient that it was after the game (the most important thing to him.) I couldn't look at either of them and went upstairs, bursting into tears again. My Mum explained to them why I was upset, and his Mum tried to take the blame saying "I was the one driving and I didn't want to turn around cause he would be late" - the argument went on for a while with my Mum attempting to get them to understand creating scenarios such as "if it were your son would you have turned around, if it was your husband, etc" but they never got it. My boyfriend went upstairs to see me and I told him how upset I was and told him there would be nothing more important to me than knowing he was okay and that if I left him on the road and continued on my way I'd feel so guilty and awful, and he said "well that is how I feel." I think he now understands he did the wrong thing but my heart is just broken knowing that in the moment I needed him most he didn't turn around and just left me there telling me to just call my insurance company to tow my car.

I need advice because I just don't think this is something I can get past. Not only now is it incredibly awkward between his Mum and I, especially for me knowing that as a Mother she still didn't care and turn around to check on me, but now I feel like I can't depend on my boyfriend and it's almost as if this was an enormous test and he completely failed. Please let me know what you think of this, what you would have done in the moment for your girlfriend/friend and whether you think I should break up with him. I love him so much but I'm just so incredibly hurt and feel like I'm absolutely worthless, because a 90 minute game he plays every single Sunday came first. I wouldn't have even asked him to miss the game, I just needed someone because I was frantic, upset and alone in HIS neighbourhood and I thought he would care, but he didn't.

I do see why you're upset by this, and I would be too.

That being said, you've known for a long time: soccer comes first. Before anything in his life. This is his priority, and everything else, including you, come second. In that split second that he had time to react, he chose his game over turning around, making sure you were ok, and then leaving. He could have told his mom to turn the car around, check on you, and then he could have left her with you while you waited for help while he went on to his game. However, even if he had done that, I think you'd still be upset that he didn't stay and miss his game.

I also think that your reaction is heightened because this has been bothering you for some time. So this particular incident brought up all the past hurts, the times you've had to wait for his game to be over, the fact that you've twisted yourself into a pretzel to fit his schedule.

I hate to say this, but I'm going to: This is not the man for you. Even if, tomorrow, he was told he'd never play again, he's consumed by it, obsessed by it. He'd probably remain in the "soccer world" somehow, maybe coaching, etc., and that would still take precedence over anything else in his life.

Ok, you weren't injured. Though damaged, your car was driveable. You were fine. It wasn't like you were left stranded on the roadside. It was a fender-bender accident, not a severe emergency.

And they did come by to see you... just at a later time because they KNEW you were not injured. They DROVE to your house.... when they live 1.5 hours away from you.. That's is a drive out of their way to see you.

There was no reason for his mother to turn back. There was no reason for you to get upset with your boyfriend because he was not in control of the car (his mother was). Seriously, what did you expect him to do, throw you a Pity Party? He's not a mechanic and can't do anything to fix the problem.

Sorry, I think you are overreacting here. I've been driven off the road, hit a deer, and a car before, but didn't throw a meltdown on the side of the road because my boyfriend/husband didn't give me any pity. And no one was around to help me either... had to move my car off the freaking street on my own. That's reality sometimes.

the argument went on for a while with my Mum attempting to get them to understand creating scenarios such as "if it were your son would you have turned around, if it was your husband, etc" but they never got it.

The Mums (especially yours) needed to back off. The boyfriend's mother did apologized and it should of been left at that. But no.... your mother had to make a mountain out of a molehole by getting involved and made things even worse.

Remember, this is your mess to deal with, not their responsibility. Both you and your mother's anger were misplaced.

On a side note... If you were to dump him, it should be because:

1. It's a long distance relationship.

2. He doesn't have the time to give to a relationship with his commitment to Soccer.

Blaming the car accident and his soccer schedule are silly. It's boils down to the dynamic. He's not a bad person per say, but this dynamic (distance and lack of time spent together) isn't for you either.

I am sorry I would dump his backside. Really.

I don't understand why both of your moms are so involved...I have a nine year old and I barely get involved anymore in her tiffs with friends...Because conflict resolution is a huge part of adulting....you guys should have this down by this point. I mean, now it's so awkward for both of you...how welcome is he going to feel around your parents? You already feel awkward around his mom.

I see both sides of this...and I think this relationship is done. You don't see the value in soccer beyond a hobby (because he's not going to make the league at his age), and he is basically living for that dream. He's willing to sacrifice to get it too- whether it's having a social life, an evening off...or a gf. You're right, you're not his main priority. But honestly, when someone loves something that much...it's not a surprise. If my husband (husband!) gave me the ultimatum of art or him...I'd probably try to give up art, but I'd be so miserable I wouldn't be me. It would be choosing him over myself...and that's not something I'd be willing to do. And that's basically what you're saying to your bf: me or yourself. Can't you see? He has to pick himself.

It's time to move on. There are plenty of people in this world that can make you their priority. Find someone that you don't hope will change...grow out of something before you'll be happy with them.

Yeah I have to agree with the other posters. If I was in your shoes, I'd be upset BUT I also don't think your boyfriend is the bad guy. Everyone has different tolerance levels. If I was in your situation, I would have been okay if my boyfriend went to the soccer game because I understand how important being passionate about a dream is. However, if I was injured, different story completely. Since you were not injured, personally this would NOT be an issue for me. However, what would be a massive issue for me is the amount you see your boyfriend. I'm all for supporting a guy's dreams but I'd have a difficult time being in a serious relationship if I saw the guy on a weeknight.

If you do choose to break up with him, it should be because of how much he prioritizes you, not the fact that he didn't return during the accident. This will not get better. His priority is soccer and he probably thinks you accept this dynamic because you have been for the past year and a half. Unless you can deal with not being a priority for the next X amount of years, I suggest you leave. Some people are happy with this dynamic and you aren't. That's okay. It doesn't mean you don't love him, it just means you have different needs out of a relationship. Personally, this would bother me and I'd imagine it would bother many women. However, it doesn't make him a bad guy, it's just not an ideal dynamic and if you cannot deal with it, then you should really consider moving on.

I stopped reading after he knew you crashed and refused to turn around and was more concerned about his soccer game as was his Mother. What a couple of selfish, self centered s!!

That has easily got to be the most meanest and coldest thing I have ever heard.

This is not a family you should even consider being a apart of. They are cold blooded and they care more about nonsense things than a persons well being!! He could have been late, life wouldn't have ended, and he would have done the right thing, made sure you were okay, which did come first and foremost.

Please, get away from these people. That's not even normal nor is it okay. It was one game and if you matter as much as he pretends you do, he would have placed you first that day and made sure you were okay.

I hope you get away from him and his Mom, you aren't safe with them and you can't trust that you will be okay with them.

It makes no difference is she was injured or not, this is simple human decency!!

She was shaken up, as any of us would be in a car accident. She deserved support and for these a-holes to turn around and be with her. If this was my daughter and they left her like that, I'd be raising h*ll.

Soccer comes after a human being and someone you say you love and this Mother is a pathetic excuse for a Mother leaving this girl like that!

Human decency, plain and simple.

I will say on further thought... one thing that does show his level of care is that he did not ask, "Do you need me? Would you like me to turn around?" Re-reading your post, I can see that you asked him if he could turn around and he replied, but I'll be late to my game. It's a requirement that any boyfriend I have ensures that if I need him, he's there for me.

The last and only boyfriend I had where I said, "aren't you going to call me?" when I was going through a traumatic family event and he simply said no because it was inconvenient for him, was the same guy who selfishly ended things with me in a very selfish way. Looking back he did not care enough about me to even offer his support if I needed him.

It's one thing if the guy doesn't turn back (that wouldn't bother me) but another that he didn't say, "let me know if you need me to turn around. If so, I will, but if you are okay and don't need me, I will go and be in contact with you during the break"

He has shown you time and again, you will not be a priority. Why have you been putting up with non relationship crap?????????

I'm sorry, but this man does not love or care about you. You know this!

Dump him, already! Get your self esteem back, then find a guy who wants to spend time with and love you.

I would feel the same way that you feel....hurt. You needed him for emotional support and he was not there for you. I can only guess that if you were in the throes of giving birth that he would not be there for it because he had a soccer game. So why would you want to marry and have children with this man?? chi

I'm sorry you went through through that, it must be so upsetting! I would be upset.

I agree with Sherrysher, it's not about if you were totally injured or not, it's the decency to see if you were okay. Hence, he's only 5 seconds ahead of you. He wouldn't have been that late if he were to turn back just to (like you said) give you a hug or see if you are okay.

I've been in accidents before which I wasn't physically hurt, but I was still shaken up from the impact.

I've always had commitment issues but when I started dating my husband, I changed my mind. The reason is because I know, if I were to EVER be in a dangerous/bad situation, he will be there for me. The point is, you are wasting your time with this person, you are not his priority. Would you be okay to be second best? Let's say if you were to marry and have children and you and your kids are his second best?

No, you are not over reacting, it's pretty clear after reading your post that you didn't expect him to turn around to sit there and wait with you, you just want to matter to him. You were shaken up, you just want him to give you a hug, totally understandable. You deserve to have needs too.

I see why you are hurt, OP. I would be, too. You yourself even said you'd have understood if they'd turned around and come back even if just for a minute, then continued on to the game. Coming by after the game was a nice gesture, but it's rather beside the point and rather late. The point is that in the moment, they just kept driving. The point is not whether you were injured, but whether he could muster up enough care to check on you. He didn't, and it's not his mom's fault.

The only mistake you're making here is staying with someone who you know has a very different set of priorities. You are not number one, and you've known that from the beginning. It isn't going to change as long as he's signed to a contract.

Now you need to decide if you want to continue to be in a relationship with soccer.

I personally disagree. It maybe because I am desensitized by car accidents. I've grown up looking at photos of car wrecks (some in which victims were killed in) that my dad has taken when he was a fire captain and had to perform roadside rescues.

Car accidents suck. They are enough to shake you up. But seriously, WHAT do you expect him to do if he did turn back around? Cuddle and give hugs as you look onward to your fender bender accident? How practical is that? He can't fix the car. The car is driveable and he doesn't need to give you a ride. And most importantly the OP was lucky to not sustain ANY injury. It could of been 10x worse.

The boyfriend had a prior commitment. The girlfriend was not in a situation where she needed *special* assistance. Emotional support could of been given at a later time - which he did provide after his competition. I'm very sure his reaction would of been different if the OP was on a worse case scenario.

However, I agree that this relationship is not with it in the long run. His priorities and commitments are not for a long distance relationship.

I can see both sides of the argument, though I side more with Snny than the others. No physical injury, car still operable... sorry, but in my eyes, that's a basic adult thing you should be able to cope with and handle, man or woman. Add to that, he wasn't even the one driving and, from the description of the road and conditions, I'm not certain they could have safely and efficiently popped a u-ey even if they wanted to.

That said, of course it's easy to see why you're upset. It was a suck situation and one that's obviously much easier to cope with when your partner is next to you. Extremely natural to want that. And, to be honest, I could never see myself just driving on even if I knew my girlfriend was OK. Then again, while definitely not an expert, I'd be able to take a half decent on-the-spot look at it. Don't know about him. I'm simply suggesting I can see the logic and don't necessarily think he's a bad guy or even that they made a bad decision in continuing on.

I can see both sides of the argument, though I side more with Snny than the others. No physical injury, car still operable... sorry, but in my eyes, that's a basic adult thing you should be able to cope with and handle, man or woman. Add to that, he wasn't even the one driving and, from the description of the road and conditions, I'm not certain they could have safely and efficiently popped a u-ey even if they wanted to.

 

That said, of course it's easy to see why you're upset. It was a suck situation and one that's obviously much easier to cope with when your partner is next to you. Extremely natural to want that. And, to be honest, I could never see myself just driving on even if I knew my girlfriend was OK. Then again, while definitely not an expert, I'd be able to take a half decent on-the-spot look at it. Don't know about him. I'm simply suggesting I can see the logic and don't necessarily think he's a bad guy or even that they made a bad decision in continuing on.

(1)

I started to post a similar sentiment as soon as you began this thread, OP. Your bf has a serious commitment - being late is a big deal. He confirmed that you were physically okay, and therefore it was not an emergency. No reason to undermine his success to look after you, because you would be okay. Had he turned around, the accident would have had a ripple effect into his life and caused even more harm.

I would agree with you if he were going to meet friends at a bar, say, where his late or no-show would have been of little consequence.

Aren't you glad your bf is a rock, a steady force to counterbalance your more mercurial nature? His ability to stay the course will be a key part of why and how he succeeds: people know he is dependable, reliable, focused, committed. He gave his word, he showed up. He was responsible.

Car accidents happen, and they cause our bodies to endure an adrenaline rush. Then we take stock, see that we are not injured, and begin to sort our next steps: record the event for police/insurance purposes, arrange to drive/get a ride, contact people who may be expecting us and give them a new ETA, return to our intended schedule. This will happen again, and you may be truly by yourself. It is important to learn this skill.

Also a good opportunity to appreciate that your bf sorted the priorities in a way that would have protected both of you, if he were supporting you financially. You don't need a parent, you need a partner. You found one. Keep him, appreciate him, and appreciate that he has confidence in your ability to deal with adversity.

(2)

Your post includes extraneous information about your bf's soccer commitment. Do you resent the time he spends pursuing his soccer career? Is this really about, "I am tired of soccer having so much of you. I needed you and soccer won out!" This thinking sets up a false choice. Stop competing with soccer for his attention. It isn't fair to either one of you. Develop your own goals and pursue them - whatever kind of goals doesn't matter. Pursue your own path and appreciate that he is pursuing his. Approach this relationship from a position of strength.

(3)

More broadly: anytime you ask someone else to prop you up to their own detriment - which is what you wanted in this situation - you are displaying a codependent behavior. This was an unusual situation that raised up the child in you, wanting someone else to step in for her. Check yourself to see if this is a pattern and address it if it is. You want to support each other, not undermine each other, of course.

Your boyfriend has a binding contract. He simply CANNOT abandon his contract because there are serious consequences he will face legally, and most likely financially. If you are saying he is wrong after knowing you're ok and took care of his legal and financial responsibilities instead of just giving you a hug, then you are in the wrong here. I am sure under normal circumstances he would be there for you, but there are priorties in this world that are more important which should take precedence. He needs to act like a responsible adult and can't simply do what he wants, even if he desperately desires to.

However, if the whole situation with soccer as his job does not work for you, then it is okay to tell him it's not working for you. Just don't say he should quit his career.

Did you call the police? That's always the first call, no? Also you could a have called your own family first, no? His advice to call your insurance and wait by the car was also sound advice, but you should have called 911 also.

Your bf asked if you were ok and kept texting you to see how you were doing. Later they came by to see if you were ok and also the mother took responsibility and apologized. Then your bf also explained and listen to you and apologized.

It seems you've had issues about his soccer for the entire relationship and this just underscores that, no? It may be best to finally end this since clearly you are not going to forgive him, blame the mother as well.

Take care of yourself and your car.

He asked if I was injured, which I wasn't. my boyfriend was texting me asking if I was okay. That night he and his Mum turned up un-announced at my house to "see that I was okay" - his Mum tried to take the blame saying "I was the one driving and I didn't want to turn around cause he would be late" - My boyfriend went upstairs to see me. I think he now understands he did the wrong thing. telling me to just call my insurance company to tow my car.I just don't think this is something I can get past.

I think you need to look beyond this one incident and see the big picture: Soccer comes first. Period. He has no time for you.

I think that is the bottom line, you and your health is not his priority and he does not find it important.

I disagree with some of the above posters. I don't feel it's ever right to abandon people in certain situations, this being one of them. It was on the highway, you had no one else near you and you were shaken up. It's not wrong at all to expect your bf to be there for you and to make sure you were okay and stay with you for a few mins until you got hold of your own family.

Life is hard enough without the people who so called love you, running out on you and not finding you important enough to be there.

Your bf is not a professional soccer player and his contract is not something serious that would have stopped him for even going to the game a bit late. Anyone in their right mind would have understood.

Don't feel bad and don't feel guilty for wanting him to be caring towards you and show you that he is a rock for you and not for soccer.

I think that is the bottom line, you and your health is not his priority and he does not find it important.

I disagree with some of the above posters. I don't feel it's ever right to abandon people in certain situations, this being one of them. It was on the highway, you had no one else near you and you were shaken up. It's not wrong at all to expect your bf to be there for you and to make sure you were okay and stay with you for a few mins until you got hold of your own family.

 

Life is hard enough without the people who so called love you, running out on you and not finding you important enough to be there.

Your bf is not a professional soccer player and his contract is not something serious that would have stopped him for even going to the game a bit late. Anyone in their right mind would have understood.

Don't feel bad and don't feel guilty for wanting him to be caring towards you and show you that he is a rock for you and not for soccer.

Disagree completely.

While thinking about this situation I thought about how some people make decisions based on the concrete facts of the matter, and others consider how people will feel about it. To me, the facts outweigh the emotions, and I would expect her to be able to manage her emotions and/accept them until they pass. To others, her emotional needs are as valid as the practical ones.

After a year and a half of a great relationship, I think it unfair to judge him based on this one event. The different replies in this thread help show that his response was a legitimate option in the minds of some.

I also think the OP needs to accept his time commitments or move on. It isn't fair to test someone's love by saying It's either me, or your job/life goal. He is pursuing soccer seriously; it is who he is and what he does. His focus on soccer is unrelated to his affection for his gf. To suggest that it does puts him in a no win position, and suggests that his choices all may be used as a test: time away from her? Guess he doesn't love her. Time with her? Guess he does.

Love makes us bigger, our worlds bigger, our hearts bigger. She would be right to accept his soccer schedule, and wrong to use it as an indication of his love for her, consciously or subconsciously.

Of interest: The "dating a doctor sucks " thread deals with this time/love relationship as well.

forgive the long story. i am not at my most organized and focused atm, but i wanted to reply nevertheless.

in january 2015 my then partner and i were driving from my mother's funeral. two cars, a white one and a red sports car drove past us. the white vehicle skid on a particularly tricky turn, and hit the safety railing. we stopped. the only reason the red vehicle stopped was because they had trouble driving past the car that hit the railing. they opened the car door and shouted something to the guy in the white car. i asked whether they know him and they said they were traveling together. the driver of the white car was an elderly gentlemen who had no obvious physical injuries that we could see, but was in complete shock and incoherent. i tried to get his "friends" from the red vehicle to cooperate but they had slammed their car door shut and drove off with insane speed the moment they were able to pass around the back end of the crashed car. they shouted something along the lines of having important jerk sheet to do and that "he's fine anyway". sound familiar?

this all happened very quickly, though my explanation is lengthy.

my boyfriend was trying to get the gentleman to say whether he's injured, insured, has an emergency person we can call for him etc but the gentleman was too shocked to utter much more than confused mumbling. i called the regional road assistance service for him, and he eventually was able to say he has a son who lives nearby. he didn't have a cellphone or the ability to give me the son's number but he was able to say yes please as i asked whether i may open his wallet to get his address and last name from his ID so that i can find the son's number from the call service. so we called his son who said he'd be there soon as he literally lives 5 minutes away. that calmed the gentleman down noticeably. as we insisted we wait for the son with him, he thanked us but assured us his son is close. sure enough, as the gentleman was able to confirm that the people who left him like that were his "friends", his son arrived, thanked us and began assisting his dad and we continued on our way.

already utterly devastated from my mother's death, i was deflated the entire journey home, that someone did not care to spend a little over five minutes to make sure their friend would be alright. yet strangers had the common sense and the essence of what makes one human to do so. Same as the stranger who spent the few minutes on you, that your partner couldn't be bothered to spend.

people with trouble on the road are often in shock, regardless of whether there was a serious accident or just a bump in the metal. not everyone reacts to such situations the same, and i am sure that anyone knows well enough that injured or not, people can be severely distressed over something they themselves would not be distressed by. a minute to check up on them is not too much of a bother.

i don't care that there is the issue of resentment due to him being largely unavailable because of his soccer ambitions. i don't care that it was just a fender bender. i don't care that he had important sheetz to do. it is simply human to extend a little care in such situations. not like you expected him to wail and dramatize and miss his game and stay there with you or do anything more but to stop for a moment, go "can i call someone for you? are you sure you will be okay?" and proceed on his way. just like the stranger did. i have had important sheetz to do plenty times in my life and did stop to assist people the same way i would want my loved ones to be assisted. on multiple occasions. my life didn't crash because of those few minutes of "can i call someone for you? are you sure you are okay'?".

i am saddened beyond words that you have had to battle cancer three times, yet happy that you conquered and reclaimed your life. i cannot imagine the stress of having to go through that, three freaking times. i understand why you are so sensitive to the fact that the health you fought such a brutal battle for seemed so insignificant to him in that moment. i would resent it cancer or no cancer, but since you have been through so much with a chronically unavailable partner, i think you will have a hard time feeling comfortable around someone who sealed his chronic unavailability with this incident.

you can try to understand it wasn't intended as negligence and forgive, but honestly, i wouldn't blame you if you couldn't get past this. regardless of who is in the right or wrong, i think you are in a position far too vulnerable as it is to have a partner who -for reasons legitimate or not- cannot extend a decent amount of concern, time and attention on you. i suspect that it hurts more than the psychological pain of your prolonged fight for your life.

i am so happy you are alive. please, take care of yourself, and surround yourself with people who have time, energy and empathy to extend. some don't. it doesn't necessarily make them bad. it just makes them not what you need right now.

forgive the long story. i am not at my most organized and focused atm, but i wanted to reply nevertheless.

 

in january 2015 my then partner and i were driving from my mother's funeral. two cars, a white one and a red sports car drove past us. the white vehicle skid on a particularly tricky turn, and hit the safety railing. we stopped. the only reason the red vehicle stopped was because they had trouble driving past the car that hit the railing. they opened the car door and shouted something to the guy in the white car. i asked whether they know him and they said they were traveling together. the driver of the white car was an elderly gentlemen who had no obvious physical injuries that we could see, but was in complete shock and incoherent. i tried to get his "friends" from the red vehicle to cooperate but they had slammed their car door shut and drove off with insane speed the moment they were able to pass around the back end of the crashed car. they shouted something along the lines of having important jerk sheet to do and that "he's fine anyway". sound familiar?

 

this all happened very quickly, though my explanation is lengthy.

 

my boyfriend was trying to get the gentleman to say whether he's injured, insured, has an emergency person we can call for him etc but the gentleman was too shocked to utter much more than confused mumbling. i called the regional road assistance service for him, and he eventually was able to say he has a son who lives nearby. he didn't have a cellphone or the ability to give me the son's number but he was able to say yes please as i asked whether i may open his wallet to get his address and last name from his ID so that i can find the son's number from the call service. so we called his son who said he'd be there soon as he literally lives 5 minutes away. that calmed the gentleman down noticeably. as we insisted we wait for the son with him, he thanked us but assured us his son is close. sure enough, as the gentleman was able to confirm that the people who left him like that were his "friends", his son arrived, thanked us and began assisting his dad and we continued on our way.

 

already utterly devastated from my mother's death, i was deflated the entire journey home, that someone did not care to spend a little over five minutes to make sure their friend would be alright. yet strangers had the common sense and the essence of what makes one human to do so. Same as the stranger who spent the few minutes on you, that your partner couldn't be bothered to spend.

 

i don't care that there is the issue of resentment due to him being largely unavailable because of his soccer ambitions. i don't care that it was just a fender bender. i don't care that he had important sheetz to do. it is simply human to extend a little care in such situations. not like you expected him to wail and dramatize and miss his game and stay there with you or do anything more but to stop for a moment, go "can i call someone for you? are you sure you will be okay?" and proceed on his way. just like the stranger did. i have had important sheetz to do plenty times in my life and did stop to assist people the same way i would want my loved ones to be assisted. on multiple occasions. my life didn't crash because of those few minutes of "can i call someone for you? are you sure you are okay'?".

 

 

i am saddened beyond words that you have had to battle cancer three times, yet happy that you conquered and reclaimed your life. i cannot imagine the stress of having to go through that, three freaking times. i understand why you are so sensitive to the fact that the health you fought such a brutal battle for seemed so insignificant to him in that moment. i would resent it cancer or no cancer, but since you have been through so much with a chronically unavailable partner, i think you will have a hard time feeling comfortable around someone who sealed his chronic unavailability with this incident.

 

you can try to understand it wasn't intended as negligence and forgive, but honestly, i wouldn't blame you if you couldn't get past this. regardless of who is in the right or wrong, i think you are in a position far too vulnerable as it is to have a partner who -for reasons legitimate or not- cannot extend a decent amount of concern, time and attention on you. i suspect that it hurts more than the psychological pain of your prolonged fight for your life.

 

i am so happy you are alive. please, take care of yourself, and surround yourself with people who have time, energy and empathy to extend. some don't. it doesn't necessarily make them bad. it just makes them not what you need right now.

If I could thank you a thousand times for this post I would. Yes ,it's called human decency.

I remember my husband was across the country on a military exercise and I had fallen and caused a very serious sprained my ankle he offered to come home. He offered to talk to his chain of command to come home . I told him no I was alright and I could get along and that it wasn't necessary but how wonderful he was to offer. He didn't just say pfffft I be David Beckham. 🙄

Rainy Coast concluded beautifully. It doesn't make him bad, but what he offers might not be what you need right now.

That is the right balance. Plenty of us have validated his behavior and yours. Its a choice: this is what he is good at, not that. Do you need what he can not comfortably provide? If so, then you have your answer. Not because he was empirically wrong, he wasn't. But because he doesn't offer you something you require.