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Thread: Crashed my car & my boyfriend didn't turn around to help me

  1. #1
    jessicaleax

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    Unhappy Crashed my car & my boyfriend didn't turn around to help me

    It's a long story, but basically my boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 and a half years, but have been friends for 2 and a half years. We get along so well, we click in every other aspect of my life but the continuous problem we've had for ages is his priorities. My boyfriend plays 1st grade soccer, meaning he gets paid to play and is trying to make it to A-league (mind you he is 25 years old which is quite old for a soccer career and if he hasn't made A league yet it's unlikely to happen.) Soccer takes up a lot of his time, he works Monday - Friday as a physiotherapist (minus Wednesday), but Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday & Friday night he trains from 6pm-9pm for soccer. So I usually only see him on weekends or on Wednesdays. Issue is now, he works Saturday 9am-5pm as a physiotherapist and on Sunday he has his soccer game. So I basically just see him Wednesday unless I go to his house Saturday night and watch his game Sunday.

    Soccer has always gotten in the way from my opinion because of his contract he can't miss training days, we can't go out on weekends & we can't go on holidays between January - October. We've had loads of fights about missing out on things because of soccer. I recently just beat cancer for the third time and I wanted to go travel and really enjoy the life I almost lost but that's not possible with him. After all our petty little fights I still love him and although it frustrates the hell out of me that we can't spend that much time together I've accepted it's his passion and he loves it and I'll support his dreams.

    Yesterday we were driving to his soccer game, I was in the car behind him, he and his Mum were in the car in front. We were around a slippery bend, my car skidded off the road, I hit a barrier and smashed the front of my car, the side, and damaged 4 panels. I am unable to have my car looked at for a month but my parents think it is a write off - which SUCKS, but that's not what I'm most upset about. I called my boyfriend crying hysterically, very shaken and scared saying I've just crashed my car. He asked if I was injured, which I wasn't, and I just couldn't speak because I was so upset. I asked "aren't you going to turn around?!" and he said "But I'll be late to my game" and in the background I heard his Mum say "we can't go back, you'll be late for your game" (she was driving.) By then two random strangers had come across me and come to my aid as I was a crying, blubbering mess. The man took my phone and spoke to my boyfriend letting him know more detail that my panels were smashed but I was physically okay. From that the man rang my Mum, and organised her to come and get me with my friend to get my car home (I live an hour and a half from my boyfriends house.) As I sat and waited for my Mum my boyfriend was texting me asking if I was okay, I was really upset telling him I was sad he didn't turn around and very confused as to why. He wouldn't have missed his game at all, because the team have to get there an hour and a half before the game starts. All I wanted him to do was turn around, as he was only 2 seconds in front of me, at least just give me a hug and then leave for his game. Just the fact he'd turn around to check I was okay. I don't know how he could have continued onto his game and not felt guilty that he'd left me on the side of the road, with a smashed car, shaken and crying with only the help of strangers.

    After my Mum and friend picked me up we had a long talk and they agreed with why I feel so upset and offended that once again soccer was the priority, and turning around to see that I was okay when I'd just crashed was not. That night he and his Mum turned up un-announced at my house to "see that I was okay" - a little too late and convenient that it was after the game (the most important thing to him.) I couldn't look at either of them and went upstairs, bursting into tears again. My Mum explained to them why I was upset, and his Mum tried to take the blame saying "I was the one driving and I didn't want to turn around cause he would be late" - the argument went on for a while with my Mum attempting to get them to understand creating scenarios such as "if it were your son would you have turned around, if it was your husband, etc" but they never got it. My boyfriend went upstairs to see me and I told him how upset I was and told him there would be nothing more important to me than knowing he was okay and that if I left him on the road and continued on my way I'd feel so guilty and awful, and he said "well that is how I feel." I think he now understands he did the wrong thing but my heart is just broken knowing that in the moment I needed him most he didn't turn around and just left me there telling me to just call my insurance company to tow my car.

    I need advice because I just don't think this is something I can get past. Not only now is it incredibly awkward between his Mum and I, especially for me knowing that as a Mother she still didn't care and turn around to check on me, but now I feel like I can't depend on my boyfriend and it's almost as if this was an enormous test and he completely failed. Please let me know what you think of this, what you would have done in the moment for your girlfriend/friend and whether you think I should break up with him. I love him so much but I'm just so incredibly hurt and feel like I'm absolutely worthless, because a 90 minute game he plays every single Sunday came first. I wouldn't have even asked him to miss the game, I just needed someone because I was frantic, upset and alone in HIS neighbourhood and I thought he would care, but he didn't.

  2. #2
    LHGirl
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    I do see why you're upset by this, and I would be too.

    That being said, you've known for a long time: soccer comes first. Before anything in his life. This is his priority, and everything else, including you, come second. In that split second that he had time to react, he chose his game over turning around, making sure you were ok, and then leaving. He could have told his mom to turn the car around, check on you, and then he could have left her with you while you waited for help while he went on to his game. However, even if he had done that, I think you'd still be upset that he didn't stay and miss his game.

    I also think that your reaction is heightened because this has been bothering you for some time. So this particular incident brought up all the past hurts, the times you've had to wait for his game to be over, the fact that you've twisted yourself into a pretzel to fit his schedule.

    I hate to say this, but I'm going to: This is not the man for you. Even if, tomorrow, he was told he'd never play again, he's consumed by it, obsessed by it. He'd probably remain in the "soccer world" somehow, maybe coaching, etc., and that would still take precedence over anything else in his life.

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  4. #3
    Snny
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    Ok, you weren't injured. Though damaged, your car was driveable. You were fine. It wasn't like you were left stranded on the roadside. It was a fender-bender accident, not a severe emergency.

    And they did come by to see you... just at a later time because they KNEW you were not injured. They DROVE to your house.... when they live 1.5 hours away from you.. That's is a drive out of their way to see you.

    There was no reason for his mother to turn back. There was no reason for you to get upset with your boyfriend because he was not in control of the car (his mother was). Seriously, what did you expect him to do, throw you a Pity Party? He's not a mechanic and can't do anything to fix the problem.

    Sorry, I think you are overreacting here. I've been driven off the road, hit a deer, and a car before, but didn't throw a meltdown on the side of the road because my boyfriend/husband didn't give me any pity. And no one was around to help me either... had to move my car off the freaking street on my own. That's reality sometimes.

    the argument went on for a while with my Mum attempting to get them to understand creating scenarios such as "if it were your son would you have turned around, if it was your husband, etc" but they never got it.
    The Mums (especially yours) needed to back off. The boyfriend's mother did apologized and it should of been left at that. But no.... your mother had to make a mountain out of a molehole by getting involved and made things even worse.

    Remember, this is your mess to deal with, not their responsibility. Both you and your mother's anger were misplaced.

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  6. #4
    Snny
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    On a side note... If you were to dump him, it should be because:

    1. It's a long distance relationship.
    2. He doesn't have the time to give to a relationship with his commitment to Soccer.

    Blaming the car accident and his soccer schedule are silly. It's boils down to the dynamic. He's not a bad person per say, but this dynamic (distance and lack of time spent together) isn't for you either.

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  8. #5
    ~Seraphim ~
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    I am sorry I would dump his backside. Really.

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  10. #6
    faraday
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    I don't understand why both of your moms are so involved...I have a nine year old and I barely get involved anymore in her tiffs with friends...Because conflict resolution is a huge part of adulting....you guys should have this down by this point. I mean, now it's so awkward for both of you...how welcome is he going to feel around your parents? You already feel awkward around his mom.

    I see both sides of this...and I think this relationship is done. You don't see the value in soccer beyond a hobby (because he's not going to make the league at his age), and he is basically living for that dream. He's willing to sacrifice to get it too- whether it's having a social life, an evening off...or a gf. You're right, you're not his main priority. But honestly, when someone loves something that much...it's not a surprise. If my husband (husband!) gave me the ultimatum of art or him...I'd probably try to give up art, but I'd be so miserable I wouldn't be me. It would be choosing him over myself...and that's not something I'd be willing to do. And that's basically what you're saying to your bf: me or yourself. Can't you see? He has to pick himself.

    It's time to move on. There are plenty of people in this world that can make you their priority. Find someone that you don't hope will change...grow out of something before you'll be happy with them.

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  12. #7
    mbee
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    Yeah I have to agree with the other posters. If I was in your shoes, I'd be upset BUT I also don't think your boyfriend is the bad guy. Everyone has different tolerance levels. If I was in your situation, I would have been okay if my boyfriend went to the soccer game because I understand how important being passionate about a dream is. However, if I was injured, different story completely. Since you were not injured, personally this would NOT be an issue for me. However, what would be a massive issue for me is the amount you see your boyfriend. I'm all for supporting a guy's dreams but I'd have a difficult time being in a serious relationship if I saw the guy on a weeknight.

    If you do choose to break up with him, it should be because of how much he prioritizes you, not the fact that he didn't return during the accident. This will not get better. His priority is soccer and he probably thinks you accept this dynamic because you have been for the past year and a half. Unless you can deal with not being a priority for the next X amount of years, I suggest you leave. Some people are happy with this dynamic and you aren't. That's okay. It doesn't mean you don't love him, it just means you have different needs out of a relationship. Personally, this would bother me and I'd imagine it would bother many women. However, it doesn't make him a bad guy, it's just not an ideal dynamic and if you cannot deal with it, then you should really consider moving on.

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  14. #8
    SherrySher
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    I stopped reading after he knew you crashed and refused to turn around and was more concerned about his soccer game as was his Mother. What a couple of selfish, self centered s!!
    That has easily got to be the most meanest and coldest thing I have ever heard.

    This is not a family you should even consider being a apart of. They are cold blooded and they care more about nonsense things than a persons well being!! He could have been late, life wouldn't have ended, and he would have done the right thing, made sure you were okay, which did come first and foremost.
    Please, get away from these people. That's not even normal nor is it okay. It was one game and if you matter as much as he pretends you do, he would have placed you first that day and made sure you were okay.
    I hope you get away from him and his Mom, you aren't safe with them and you can't trust that you will be okay with them.

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  16. #9
    SherrySher
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    It makes no difference is she was injured or not, this is simple human decency!!
    She was shaken up, as any of us would be in a car accident. She deserved support and for these a-holes to turn around and be with her. If this was my daughter and they left her like that, I'd be raising h*ll.
    Soccer comes after a human being and someone you say you love and this Mother is a pathetic excuse for a Mother leaving this girl like that!
    Human decency, plain and simple.

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  18. #10
    mbee
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    I will say on further thought... one thing that does show his level of care is that he did not ask, "Do you need me? Would you like me to turn around?" Re-reading your post, I can see that you asked him if he could turn around and he replied, but I'll be late to my game. It's a requirement that any boyfriend I have ensures that if I need him, he's there for me.

    The last and only boyfriend I had where I said, "aren't you going to call me?" when I was going through a traumatic family event and he simply said no because it was inconvenient for him, was the same guy who selfishly ended things with me in a very selfish way. Looking back he did not care enough about me to even offer his support if I needed him.

    It's one thing if the guy doesn't turn back (that wouldn't bother me) but another that he didn't say, "let me know if you need me to turn around. If so, I will, but if you are okay and don't need me, I will go and be in contact with you during the break"

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