Wife had uncomfortable fascination with another guy last night

Hello all. My wife and I went out to meet up with friends last night. We were celebrating her graduating college and so I was her designated driver. Something happened that I can't get out of my head. Everything was going well. We stopped off at a bar to get a couple drinks before meeting up with her friends at a club. Once we arrived at the club, my wife had a few more drinks and started to dance with a couple random guys. I wasn't worried as I was only a few feet away at our table. I wanted her to have fun, she earned it. Things started to get weird and uncomfortable when she started spending more and more time with one of the guys she was dancing with. She would come back to the table and tell me how he is there trying to pick up women. I finally had enough and got her back to our table. Unfortunately, she was only focused on him. Saying things like his friend is ruining his chances of hooking up with a girl he was talking to so she felt the need to "play Cupid " and intervene. I told her it's none of our business and to let them be. She wouldn't stop focusing on him and tried a couple of times to go to their table but I stopped her each time. Finally she was insistent on going and so off she went. I sat watching as she grabbed his arm and started talking. Finally I had enough and separated them and we then left the club.

When we arrived at home she disappeared into the bedroom, and texted me that she wants to pack her stuff and leave the next morning. She felt I was controlling her and not letting her do what she wanted. I think she was upset at the fact that I was able to join her and her friends that night. Originally I had to stay home because we couldn't find a babysitter. I was able to at the last minute however. I can't help but think what would have happened between him and her had I stayed home. I'm pissed at the lack of restraint and feel as though she completely disrespected our relationship.

Was I in the wrong in this? I probably should have stopped her from dancing to begin with. I now feel a complete lack of trust from her. I don't think I will ever be ok with her going out to a club or bar without me in the future.

Drunk...

How long have you been married, kids?

Any non-drunk fights/complaints?

One child, 2yrs old. Been married nearly 2 years. We have arguments every so often. Usually it's my wife's anxiety that starts the issues.

Usually, a wife out with friends might have a few and dance with her girlfriends.

Predictably, some drunk dude will inevitably show up near them on the floor, and if given enough time, make advances.

At that time, you, who have been watching, would intervene, maybe finish the dance, and then take her home. (Her protector)

Most of her friends would admire you, and be a little jealous of her.

Maybe a little bizarre to the uninitiated husband, but very normal.

The fact she went right to other men can mean several things.

1. Drunk.

2. Really drunk.

3. Problems at home.

-----

Did you have a respectable/sensible discovery period? (dating)

Do you think you come from compatible backgrounds?

Was the marriage forced/trapped?

Usually, a wife out with friends might have a few and dance with her girlfriends.

Predictably, some drunk dude will inevitably show up near them on the floor, and if given enough time, make advances.

 

At that time, you, who have been watching, would intervene, maybe finish the dance, and then take her home. (Her protector)

 

Most of her friends would admire you, and be a little jealous of her.

Maybe a little bizarre to the uninitiated husband, but very normal.

 

The fact she went right to other men can mean several things.

1. Drunk.

2. Really drunk.

3. Problems at home.

-----

 

Did you have a respectable/sensible discovery period? (dating)

Do you think you come from compatible backgrounds?

Was the marriage forced/trapped?

Yes. We had a fairly decent dating period. At first I thought we were compatible but I realized later that on some aspects we were not. No. Not forced or trapped. However, I'm starting to feel forced and trapped in my marriage because I feel I won't see my daughter if we split. Not only that, but I payed for her education and now am deeply in debt.

Compatible backgrounds? (There's always going to be differences between you.)

If I were you, I wouldn't make rash decisions.

Do you fight a lot? If so, what were some of the recent ones about?

How did you react?

What did she say? (Verbatim please.)

We have slight incompatibilities ranging from sex drives (mine is higher), food (we generally do not enjoy the same foods but find we meet in the middle) and movies and music. Some music we like on the same level but other stuff, her musicals, I can't stand. BUT, everything is a compromise.

As far as fighting, we don't fight a lot. We will have our disagreements. A lot stems from her anxiety issues. Just little tiffs here and there that causes us to avoid each other for short periods of time.

Has she had issues with drinking too much and making more choices while drunk in the past? Sounds like things are okay when you two are sober but she may not be able to be trusted when she is drunk. Some people just really lose their minds and aren't able to control themselves. The best thing then, for these folks, is to abstain from drinking, keep to strict limits (may not be possible for them to self-regulate), or only drink when they are with a partner/friends who will look out for them.

Has she had issues with drinking too much and making more choices while drunk in the past? Sounds like things are okay when you two are sober but she may not be able to be trusted when she is drunk. Some people just really lose their minds and aren't able to control themselves. The best thing then, for these folks, is to abstain from drinking, keep to strict limits (may not be possible for them to self-regulate), or only drink when they are with a partner/friends who will look out for them.

In general, yes, things are ok when both of us are sober. She had another issue back a few years ago when we had just started out dating. We went out with a large group of friends. We started drinking, she more than I, and she was dancing and hanging on a male friend of hers that also liked her in ways other than friendship. Nothing inappropriate happened between them, but I was her date, and she blatantly blew me off that night. Saturday night was a repeat of that night. The only difference was this guy is a complete stranger. She claims she has never picked people up at a club when she was drunk. I don't know how honest she is about that though.

I told her today that I trust her, in general, but I do not trust her going out with friends when there is alcohol involved. I want to, but after the other night, I cannot. I think it is best, as you say, to regulate the alcohol. When she does go out, she's usually good about that because she is driving. But there may be a day she carpools and feels she can drink more than she usually can, and that's what I fear. I just don't know how to proceed from there. I'm not giving up on our relationship. We will work through it, but I don't want to be "that" guy that restricts what his wife does. Is there a middle ground here?

Okay, sounds like she has a history of behaving inappropriately with alcohol. Can she self-regulate her alcohol intake when she is not the DD? Like, even if you remove the possibility of her driving, is she able to restrict her drinking to maybe 1-2 drinks or so? Or does she just go "nuts"?

When you've sat down and talked to her, while she's sober, about her behavior that she's exhibited while drunk, what does she say? Does she see it as a problem? How would she feel if the tables were turned and you did what she did?

Okay, sounds like she has a history of behaving inappropriately with alcohol. Can she self-regulate her alcohol intake when she is not the DD? Like, even if you remove the possibility of her driving, is she able to restrict her drinking to maybe 1-2 drinks or so? Or does she just go "nuts"?

 

When you've sat down and talked to her, while she's sober, about her behavior that she's exhibited while drunk, what does she say? Does she see it as a problem? How would she feel if the tables were turned and you did what she did?

I believe she can self regulate, but I think when she knows she is driving, she won't drink much and is good about self regulating. She sees it as a problem now and wants to work on it. Tonight we will have a further discussion of this. There's no point in staying together if all she will do is do this again and again, but, if she's willing to watch her drinking while out, then it's something we can work with.

I'm glad she sees it as a problem and is willing to work on it to find a solution. That's what I was hoping for. You two were going to have a hard time if she viewed her behavior and said "so what". I'm glad when sober, she sees that it is wrong.

Definitely have a talk and find a solution that works for you. Maybe she will be willing to not drink unless you're there or she will decided to confide in a close friend who will then help her regulate when you're not there. You'll figure it out.

I'm glad she sees it as a problem and is willing to work on it to find a solution. That's what I was hoping for. You two were going to have a hard time if she viewed her behavior and said "so what". I'm glad when sober, she sees that it is wrong.

 

Definitely have a talk and find a solution that works for you. Maybe she will be willing to not drink unless you're there or she will decided to confide in a close friend who will then help her regulate when you're not there. You'll figure it out.

I sure hope we do find a solution. I hope this issue doesn't resurface in the future. I think she needs to be better at regulating her alcohol when she does go out. Thank you for the help and listening to me! Much appreciated stranger!

No worries. Wish you luck. Just talk it over and come up with a plan together that you both like.