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Wife versus mother on Mother's Day


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While I understand that as long as your kids are young, you need to make sure that the kids all have cards and gifts for mom, but it doesn't quite sit well with me that once you're married with kids, that your own mother is a second class citizen.

 

Wives and mother-in-laws rarely get along, and so wives are none too keen to share this holiday.

 

From the husband's perspective, the wife is going to be celebrating Mother's Day for the rest of her life, but the husband's own mother may only have a decade left.

 

I can't see my wife being all cool about this when our son's have their own kids and are forced to minimize things with her in favour of their wives.

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I always tell my husband this; just because we are married doesn't mean your mother doesn't exist. He's not good with holidays and stuff so I always remind him and we go get his mom a gift together.

 

Since we have my mom and his mom to celebrate, we just take them out on different days (they don't mind) or one for lunch and the other for dinner.

 

If I myself become a mother one day, I wouldn't mind sharing it with my mom and mother in law. It's not that big of a deal if you don't make it out to be. I understand wives and mother in law don't always get along but it's a day to show your mom your appreciation. If your wife don't want to celebrate together, then do either lunch/dinner with your wife and the other with your mother.

 

You are right, you only have so much time with your mother, appreciate her while you can.

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I'm not sure why you think a mother in law ends up as a second class citizen. It all depends on you and how you honor her.

 

When I was married, we always got together with extended family and the guys would do the planning. We always purchased a hanging flower basket for my MIL. Since there were several other mothers there, plus a few family birthdays, we celebrated together. My own mom lives a few thousand miles away, so I didn't have that conflict.

 

Even if a group celebration is not possible, then you split up the celebrating - brunch with one, out to dinner with the other...

 

You can certainly honor them both!

 

Being divorced now, my boys come over and cook a nice dinner for me on Mother's Day. I sent my mom a card and will call her, and I have some family pictures for her. I will get a flower planter for my former MIL too.

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To be honest, your post reads a little strangely. You seem to be giving your opinion on a situation without giving any real background.

 

From what I can glean, however, yes; it's mother's day, not wife's day. If your wife is insisting that you focus your attention on her and not your own mother then she is being petty. Certainly you can acknowlege the mother of your own kids but if she's asking that you neglect your mother I would flat out refuse to bow to her wishes.

 

It's kind of a silly, made up holiday anyway.

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I'm taking my wife and kids out to a fancy dinner, and invited my mother to come, and my wife is treating it like a great injustice, complaining to all her friends, and they all agree with her and think it was a horrible thing for me to do, that my wife has to share part of Mother's Day with my mother.

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I'm a mother with grown kids who have long been independent from me. So while I am still their mother, I am not "actively" mothering them, and while I appreciate any Mother's Day sentiments they give me, it is not essential to me. Plus, the gratitude goes both ways and I can be happy just appreciating the gift of them being my children. When they were young and I was up to my neck in mothering responsibilities, THAT IS WHEN being recognized on Mother's Day was significant to me. Focus on the mother of dependent children because very likely they could use a moment of appreciation in their busy lives. But it is not all that hard for YOU to spread the appreciation around to different generations. It doesn't have to be a conflict. You can appreciate the mother of your children, and your mother, and the mother of your grandchildren without taking anything away from any of them.

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I'm taking my wife and kids out to a fancy dinner, and invited my mother to come, and my wife is treating it like a great injustice, complaining to all her friends, and they all agree with her and think it was a horrible thing for me to do, that my wife has to share part of Mother's Day with my mother.

 

Ah, I was typing as you posted this so didn't see it until now.

 

It's not horrible, BUT perhaps it makes her feel like more of a generic mother rather than the special person who is mothering your children. How old are your kids? Do your wife and your mother get along?

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that your own mother is a second class citizen.
that's a new one. your mother doesn't ever become a second class citizen. if i were you and my wife insisted on that, i would flat out tell her it's not happening, and then proceed to give mother a call with a lunch invitation as wife witnesses.

 

you can assist your children in celebrating mother's day, and you should, if they are too little to pick up flowers/greeting cards etc themselves. in no way does such parental assistance and modelling the proper way to pay mum respect require you neglect your own mother. quite the contrary.

 

your wife is being so ridiculous it's disturbing.

 

don't argue on philosophize on why you are right. simply proceed to treat your mum and help the kids come up with a surprise/thoughtful card, flowers etc for theirs. you can all take your wife for dinner of course, but insisting that you pretend your mother doesn't exist (or shouldn't be treated for mother's day) is out of the question.

 

let her fume if she chooses to be an arse. what's she going to do?

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yeah i didn't see the last post either. if you know there is animosity it would've been smoother to invite them on separate dinners, but damn your wife is being an expletive.

 

somehow i can't believe she limits this to mother's day, and you would probably benefit more from addressing the larger context of the marital problem.

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On a number of levels I can't relate. It's Mother's Day - it's a designated holiday - it's not her birthday, or your wedding anniversary which is personal to her/you as a couple and especially with a birthday I can see the person wanting to get to choose who to share it with. But, Mother's Day? It's for all mothers and I've seen it expanded to include mother figures in someone's life -an Aunt who was there if the mom is no longer, etc. And "share?" Wouldn't it be a terrible example for your children to see their grandmother excluded - your mother?

 

I miss my mother in law. So maybe I'm biased. No, I would not like if my husband chose to be with his mother instead of me on Mother's Day but honestly if when she was alive he had the chance to travel to see her at that time and I couldn't go I would have hoped I would have been ok with it.

 

If there is friction then sure maybe as a practical level you split the time/day but seriously - be an adult and deal with a meal or time together on this one day.

 

As I was typing this my son said "you're my favorite mama" (yes I am the only one I know of lol)- your wife needs to get a grip - if she's your kids favorite mama what else matters.

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yeah, i keep forgetting to read old threads. whew.

 

have you seen a family therapist, like ever? between a dependent mother and viciously jealous, frustrated, beothcy demanding wife, you need professional guidance.

 

but then, if you've chosen this limbo for all these years, perhaps the secondary benefits are more appealing than change. that's okay too, but then you need to be conscious of the fact it's a choice you made because it appeals to you more than the alternative, to tone down the distress you feel when you perceive yourself to be suffering at the whims of two women.

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I'm not saying my wife was forbidding that I recognize my mother, in fact she got her a present from the kids. My issue was the big deal she made about me inviting my mother to the restaurant.

 

My mother lives a couple hours away so it's not all that convenient to see her separately. Last year we saw grandma on the Saturday and celebrated Mother's Day on the Sunday, but regardless of how they get along (or don't get along), why is sharing a part of the day such a big "no no"?

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it isn't such a big no no.

 

she is being an arse, as usual.

 

although if you enable your mother's dependence still in some ways, she may have hoped she would get one occasion without the mother involved.

 

i don't think it is a coincidence that a grown man chooses to place himself in the position to be expected to say "yes dear" (direct quote) to two women in attempts to avoid being pressured by them as not doing enough, thus the counseling question.

 

it isn't about one dinner. this is about your entire family dynamic, since ever.

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Massive overreaction on your wife's part. Always thought Mother's Day is a little overrated. It's about mothering, in general, and celebrating those maternal connections. Sorry, but all sounds very petulant on her part.

 

I haven't read your other threads, but from what people are saying, this is the tip of the iceberg. Seeing as you're paying, you have the say on this one.

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I'm not saying my wife was forbidding that I recognize my mother, in fact she got her a present from the kids. My issue was the big deal she made about me inviting my mother to the restaurant.

 

My mother lives a couple hours away so it's not all that convenient to see her separately. Last year we saw grandma on the Saturday and celebrated Mother's Day on the Sunday, but regardless of how they get along (or don't get along), why is sharing a part of the day such a big "no no"?

 

Isn't the point of mothering showing care and support to other people especially your own mother? She's not the birthday girl or the bride (even then, but at least then it's her specific day). Is there an issue with her mother? Also consider maybe she is acting out because she doesn't feel supported in general?

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If you're a couple without kids, Mothers Day is about your respective mothers. If one wants to spend the entire day with their own mother, that's their prerogative and there shouldn't be any whining about that.

 

If you have kids, then obviously the wife takes "priority." She's the mother of your children. Nothing wrong with inviting your own mother out for dinner or having the kids make her a gift. I've always considered my grandmother a mother in many regards. Now if it's 9:00am and you're waking everyone up saying, "C'mon kids, it's time to go to grandma's for Mother's Day," that'd be a bit different.

 

In any case, it's all Hallmark Holiday politics. IIRC, the founder of Mothers Day went door-to-door petitioning to rescind it because of the pettyness too many people were bringing into it. More power to you if you treat it as just another day to genuinely honor your mother / the mother of your children, but if mother or my wife were to ever turn it into a p1ssing contest against the other, I'd go with the one stirring up the least drama.

 

One thing to consider though is whether she's genuinely high maintenance with this kind of stuff or if she's feeling underappreciated throughout the year where she needs to have this one day all about her as a mother.

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If you're a couple without kids, Mothers Day is about your respective mothers. If one wants to spend the entire day with their own mother, that's their prerogative and there shouldn't be any whining about that.

 

If you have kids, then obviously the wife takes "priority." She's the mother of your children. Nothing wrong with inviting your own mother out for dinner or having the kids make her a gift. I've always considered my grandmother a mother in many regards. Now if it's 9:00am and you're waking everyone up saying, "C'mon kids, it's time to go to grandma's for Mother's Day," that'd be a bit different.

 

In any case, it's all Hallmark Holiday politics. IIRC, the founder of Mothers Day went door-to-door petitioning to rescind it because of the pettyness too many people were bringing into it. More power to you if you treat it as just another day to genuinely honor your mother / the mother of your children, but if mother or my wife were to ever turn it into a p1ssing contest against the other, I'd go with the one stirring up the least drama.

 

One thing to consider though is whether she's genuinely high maintenance with this kind of stuff or if she's feeling underappreciated throughout the year where she needs to have this one day all about her as a mother.

 

I don't agree with the priority at all. In many situations the grandparents are raising the children or an integral part in raising the children. And he has had his mom for longer than he's been married to the mother of his children. Sure, it might be nice to ask the wife what her preference is but I'd hope that she wouldn't blink an eye about including the grandmother.

 

The exception - if the wife would rather have the day to herself, for me-time, then that should take priority and she shouldn't feel obligated to join with her husband's mother. My friend is in that situation -she'd prefer not to have mother's day celebrations with her inlaws today because she wants to be there for her son who has intense exams tomorrow and who is exhausted from studying. In that case she should be let off the hook. I don't want to hang with my family today for mother's day. I spent 16 hours straight, alone with my son yesterday who is sick -he was an awesome trooper but after a day of being on the couch when I wasn't cleaning up various fluids I would like to have free time today to do whatever including a long nap.

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I don't agree with the priority at all. In many situations the grandparents are raising the children or an integral part in raising the children. And he has had his mom for longer than he's been married to the mother of his children. Sure, it might be nice to ask the wife what her preference is but I'd hope that she wouldn't blink an eye about including the grandmother.

 

The exception - if the wife would rather have the day to herself, for me-time, then that should take priority and she shouldn't feel obligated to join with her husband's mother. My friend is in that situation -she'd prefer not to have mother's day celebrations with her inlaws today because she wants to be there for her son who has intense exams tomorrow and who is exhausted from studying. In that case she should be let off the hook. I don't want to hang with my family today for mother's day. I spent 16 hours straight, alone with my son yesterday who is sick -he was an awesome trooper but after a day of being on the couch when I wasn't cleaning up various fluids I would like to have free time today to do whatever including a long nap.

I don't mean to indicate that making the mother of your child / children a priority is the same as excluding the other mother figures. My mother and my grandmother jointly raised me as a child as my mom and dad separated before I can even remember, so believe me I understand grandmothers can play an integral role. My suggestion is to, first and foremost, ask what his wife would like to do. If she wants dinner, then OP takes his mom out for brunch (only time I'll ever condone such a heinous activity). Just something as simple as that. Obviously that puts some onus on the wife to be reasonable with what she'd like, but I do think should she not be, a husband should be able to assert himself for wanting to spend time with his own mother on Mother's Day.
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I don't mean to indicate that making the mother of your child / children a priority is the same as excluding the other mother figures. My mother and my grandmother jointly raised me as a child as my mom and dad separated before I can even remember, so believe me I understand grandmothers can play an integral role. My suggestion is to, first and foremost, ask what his wife would like to do. If she wants dinner, then OP takes his mom out for brunch (only time I'll ever condone such a heinous activity). Just something as simple as that. Obviously that puts some onus on the wife to be reasonable with what she'd like, but I do think should she not be, a husband should be able to assert himself for wanting to spend time with his own mother on Mother's Day.

 

I get that we would handle it differently. I think the husband should be honest from the get go that he'd like to find a plan that will accommodate both his wife and mother and that his wife need not participate at all in any kind of mother's day plan if she'd rather have the benefit of the free time (if he takes his mother and the kids somewhere, that gives her some time off).

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I didn't clear her with it, because on a previous Mother's Day she said, "you should have invited your mother to dinner", and yesterday one of the kids was invited to a birthday party. When I mentioned this she said that she had only said that because at that point it was too late to invite her.

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... on a previous Mother's Day she said, "you should have invited your mother to dinner" ... When I mentioned this she said that she had only said that because at that point it was too late to invite her.
woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowww
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