Lying Husband, Porn Addiction?

Ok two weeks ago I woke up in the morning. He'd been off work a couple weeks but was still getting up early. I kinda suspected something but I figured no way. I could trust him. He'd never do anything to hurt me. We had an agreement that neither of us cared if each other watched porn. To just tell each other. I would on occasion when he'd work. He'd always say he never would. That sex was just so much better that there was no point. I truly and stupidly believed that. Jan til April had sex twice but we were busy with kids and stuff so I just figured it was that. But two weeks ago I woke up and looked for him. I caught him watching porn and fapping. Wouldn't have been so bad had I knows he was doing it all along or had just told me. But he had been hiding it and then told me it was only 3 times. So we were taking it out and moving past it but my gut wasn't happy with that answer. I just knew there were more times. Today I went through his phone history for the first time in our 7 year marriage and saw there were many more times. He fessed up and I was so mad. This past week when I had been trying to heal he had been looking me in the eye and lying to me. I feel like I don't know him. I feel not good enough as he turned to porn and not me. I feel so many bad things. I feel like he never loved me. Of course he's sorry now but that's cause he's losing me. He never would have told me had I not caught him or searched.

He said it was stress from work. He needed the release and didn't think he could give himself to me all stressed. I do not mind him watching porn. It's the dishonesty and shock I think. We are in marriage counseling but I'm struggling. I get why he did it but Idk how to repair the hurt. I should add I have watched porn too and we have together. He was doing it supposedly 3-4 times a week.

We are in marriage counseling

Obviously it's not the fact he lied that has you reeling from this. It's:

I feel not good enough as he turned to porn and not me.

Men aren't as stupid as a lot of partners like to assume we are. He knows damn well, "So, babe, I gotta beat off because I just need a simple release without having sex" isn't going to fly.

Am I condoning lying? No. And it's undoubtedly wrong for him to have done so. That said, if my partner were ever to lie to me, yes, it hurts, and I don't give them a pass for it, but question #1 is "why are they not comfortable telling me the truth?" It's very, very rare that people lie for the sake of lying. There's often a reason for it, and as much as we'd like to jump down our partner's throats for telling a lie, you still need to approach it with some empathy if you sincerely want a resolution. You mention you two being busy handling the kids, his work life being stressful, and the fact you two are in marriage counseling for issues not specified. Without necessarily coddling him, there are ways to make sure he knows lying isn't cool, but that you'd like to know why he, after 7 years of marriage, wasn't comfortable being truthful with this.

We had an agreement that neither of us cared if each other watched porn. To just tell each other. I would on occasion when he'd work.

 

I do not mind him watching porn. Idk how to repair the hurt. I should add I have watched porn too and we have together. He was doing it supposedly 3-4 times a week.

I don't get this at all. You watch porn. He watches porn. You watch it together. You had an agreement that "neither of us cared if each other watched porn" (just to tell each other). Now you're all hurt, in marriage counselling, feel like he never loved you, feel you don't know him and not good enough for him etc etc. WHY??

I honestly don't get it. According to the above, neither of you cared if the other watched porn etc. Do you mean to say that it's only okay if you report back to each other every single time you watch porn?? "Hey, I watched porn today". "Oh, btw, I'm going to watch some porn later on". "Hey, do you mind if I watch some porn?" Really??

No, he is not addicted to porn. He's doing what the vast majority of men do. He just doesn't think it requires reporting back to his wife each and every single time he watches it. That's why he "lies" about it.

Be careful not to make mountains out of molehills in your marriage, it could backfire badly. You have stated "I do not mind him watching porn". Well then, let him. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I don't get this at all. You watch porn. He watches porn. You watch it together. You had an agreement that "neither of us cared if each other watched porn" (just to tell each other). Now you're all hurt, in marriage counselling, feel like he never loved you, fell you don't know him and not good enough for him etc etc. WHY??

 

I honestly don't get it. According to the above, neither of you cared if the other watched porn etc. Do you mean to say that it's only okay if you report back to each other every single time you watch porn?? "Hey, I watched porn today". "Oh, btw, I'm going to watch some porn later on". "Hey, do you mind if I watch some porn?" Really??

 

No, he is not addicted to porn. He's doing what the vast majority of men do. He just doesn't think it requires reporting back to his wife each and every single time he watches it. That's why he "lies" about it.

 

Be careful not to make mountains out of molehills in your marriage, it could backfire badly. You have stated "I do not mind him watching porn". Well then, let him. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

What for?

 

Obviously it's not the fact he lied that has you reeling from this. It's:

 

 

 

Men aren't as stupid as a lot of partners like to assume we are. He knows damn well, "So, babe, I gotta beat off because I just need a simple release without having sex" isn't going to fly.

 

Am I condoning lying? No. And it's undoubtedly wrong for him to have done so. That said, if my partner were ever to lie to me, yes, it hurts, and I don't give them a pass for it, but question #1 is "why are they not comfortable telling me the truth?" It's very, very rare that people lie for the sake of lying. There's often a reason for it, and as much as we'd like to jump down our partner's throats for telling a lie, you still need to approach it with some empathy if you sincerely want a resolution. You mention you two being busy handling the kids, his work life being stressful, and the fact you two are in marriage counseling for issues not specified. Without necessarily coddling him, there are ways to make sure he knows lying isn't cool, but that you'd like to know why he, after 7 years of marriage, wasn't comfortable being truthful with this.

We are in marriage counseling for this issue. I definitely don't mind the fact he was doing it but he shut me out when he was doing it and lied and I had to catch him. I definitely am understanding about it though. He seems so down and lost. He said he was scared I'd be hurt. But I've always told him I don't care if he does it. The issues with my self confidence now is because he lied and all this seems like a bigger deal than just wacking off sometimes. Him telling me he needed too cause he's stress would have actually flown with me and he knew that.

He's so nice and apologetic now. Seems so in love.

We are in marriage counseling for this issue. I definitely don't mind the fact he was doing it ... I definitely am understanding about it though. I've always told him I don't care if he does it.

This all seems sooooooooo contradictory. If you don't mind him doing it, what's the big issue?? I must be missing something....

This all seems sooooooooo contradictory. If you don't mind him doing it, what's the big issue?? I must be missing something....

 

Our one stipulation was that he tell me. I caught him and he lied about it. Was sneaking around doing it. Wasn't wanting me or pursuing me for months.

Our one stipulation was that he tell me..

So you guys have to report back to each other whenever you masturbate, or watch porn?? Seriously? You both know you watch porn, so why turn it into a drama?

So you guys have to report back to each other whenever you masturbate, or watch porn?? Seriously? You both know you watch porn, so why turn it into a drama?

 

Actually I had no idea he was ever watching porn as he led me to believe that. And yes it's so we keep open communication and keep each other involved. No secrets. Just how we work.

And yes it's so we keep open communication and keep each other involved. No secrets. Just how we work.

ok. All I can say is I wish you luck.

Why does him telling you that he watches porn make it ok ? I'm confused, if you don't care that he watches porn, then why does he need to tell you when he does it ?

Does he need to tell you when he is going to eat food too ? No right ?

Obviously, you CARE A LOT about him watching porn and don't want him to do it or else you wouldn't make a big deal out of it or go to counseling for it.

It must mean you feel the women he looks at are better looking than you, you see it as cheating on you that he prefers to jerk off than come see you for sex, and you are not ok with any of it.

That's fine, you just need to own up to your feelings and stop pretending you are ok with him watching porn when you clearly are NOT ok with it.

If you don't want him to watch porn then you need to give him the things he likes when he wants it. Make it be about him sometimes, porn is selfish in that it's ALL about you, you watch what you want to, you get off without having to put in any effort at all into it, and then you go about your day. Maybe sex with you requires too much effort to be worth the bother, if that's the case it probably means you don't make it be about just him often enough. Take turns with that kind of thing.

Take pointers from the porn he likes to watch instead of being butt hurt about it. What are the women in the porn doing ? Are they just doing bjs ? Is that what he is into ? Are they role playing ? Is he into bondage ? What does he like to watch ? Then do those things for him every week, you will see his porn use will decrease because he is getting his needs met. He can in turn take a day or two of the week to do things in bed that you enjoy.

But you bring up his porn use and obsessing over it to the point you are actually attending counseling over it, will only drive him away from you and seek out the easy outlet of porn, no one in porn fuses, nags, says no, it's all about pleasure.

Stop attending the counseling that am sure he hates going to anyways, and incorporate the things he likes to watch into your bedroom routine.

Also, for some guys, porn is a way to release stress, he has been out of work for a while, maybe that's stressful for him and he seeks release ?

Why are you doing this? You are making your marriage like a prisoner/jail guard situation. He MUST tell you when he watches porn? Why are you forcing another human being to report back to you?

He is not doing any harm, and watching a porn and masturbating is something he should be able to do on his own free will without having to tell anyone.

You are making a harmless situation, ugly and forcing a man who is your husband, to now report back to you. It's wrong.

Marrying someone does not give you the right to lay down the law or for you to become their boss on what is okay and what isn't. And now you've made it such a big deal that you have to go to marriage counselling.

You do realise that life is too short for this don't you?

You don't OWN him. He should be able to do what he wants when is comes to what he watches and if he wants to pleasure himself on his own time.

All you will do is cause resentment and he won't see you as his equal anymore or someone he feels safe with, but as someone who bosses him and forces him to be how you think it should be.

By all means, continue, but don't be shocked when he get's fed up by it and fed up with being told what to do and hands you divorce papers down the line.

If he's not sleeping around or cheating on you, then let him be. He is a free man who is not harming anyone.

I wouldn't want to have to tell my partner every time I masturbate... That's kinda private, no? I mean, sure you are married but marriage should still have some boundaries. This seems like one of those issues where a "don't ask, don't tell" policy would be more appropriate, and if you find out about it you just accept that's what he needed. Especially since it's not cheating to watch porn or masturbate - you have already agreed on this

It does seem like you are actually conditioning him to sneak around by asking him to fess up every time he does something that is a deeply personal and private act (which for some people adds to the thrill). I feel that you're probably more insecure about the possibility of him cheating so you feel you need to watch him like a hawk with this issue so he knows not to stray because "you'll catch him". Probably a good thing to address in therapy to make your marriage stronger

I know this is not the point, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with my partner if I had to tell him every time I had some alone time watching porn nor wouldn't I care to know if he has just watched porn and/or masturbated. Sometimes we all need some privacy. Not that I'm condoning lying or invalidating how you feel, just that there are things that are private and that it doesn't mean that one doesn't find the partner attractive or desirable. But that's just my opinion, each couple handles things differently and has their own "agreements" on these issues.

We are in marriage counseling for this issue. I definitely don't mind the fact he was doing it but he shut me out when he was doing it and lied and I had to catch him. I definitely am understanding about it though. He seems so down and lost. He said he was scared I'd be hurt. But I've always told him I don't care if he does it. The issues with my self confidence now is because he lied and all this seems like a bigger deal than just wacking off sometimes. Him telling me he needed too cause he's stress would have actually flown with me and he knew that.

What do you mean you had to catch him? He's not a child, what he watches is his decision. You freely admit to doing it, yet you then snoop on his phone and tell him he's a liar. Snooping on his phone is an act of betrayal by the way, he deserves an apology for this.

It just seems that you are trying to control him, and with respect this is due to your own lack of self confidence.

 

No, he is not addicted to porn. He's doing what the vast majority of men do. He just doesn't think it requires reporting back to his wife each and every single time he watches it. That's why he "lies" about it.

 

He's only had sex with his wife twice in months and lied for years. This IS clearly a textbook case of porn addiction. I agree that based on men who write in this forum, the majority are porn users, sadly.

What do you mean you had to catch him? He's not a child, what he watches is his decision. You freely admit to doing it, yet you then snoop on his phone and tell him he's a liar. Snooping on his phone is an act of betrayal by the way, he deserves an apology for this.

 

It just seems that you are trying to control him, and with respect this is due to your own lack of self confidence.

So she's the bad guy in this? Ridiculous!

All the porn lovers will defend your husband here. All I can say is that it is a lie. You will never have a true or beautiful or lasting marriage with porn as a part of it. He should rely on you only for his fulfillment and vice versa. He is an addict and you should get him treatment, if he will accept it.

All the porn lovers will defend your husband here. All I can say is that it is a lie. You will never have a true or beautiful or lasting marriage with porn as a part of it. He should rely on you only for his fulfillment and vice versa. He is an addict and you should get him treatment, if he will accept it.

I'm not saying porn is right or wrong, I'm saying adults have the freedom to choose what they watch, and come to their own conclusions about whether its right for them or not. We also have the right to privacy.

I'm not saying porn is right or wrong, I'm saying adults have the freedom to choose what they watch, and come to their own conclusions about whether its right for them or not. We also have the right to privacy.

I'm not saying porn is right or wrong, I'm saying adults have the freedom to choose what they watch, and come to their own conclusions about whether its right for them or not. We also have the right to privacy.

Yes, but withholding sex from your spouse for days and days to get your porn on is divorce level despicable.

ok. All I can say is I wish you luck.

I wish the husband luck. I feel sorry for this poor schmuck!

All the porn lovers will defend your husband here. All I can say is that it is a lie. You will never have a true or beautiful or lasting marriage with porn as a part of it. He should rely on you only for his fulfillment and vice versa. He is an addict and you should get him treatment, if he will accept it.

This is a really conservative, quite probably outdated and unhelpful point of view. A lasting marriage is built on respectful communication and healthy boundaries. The reality in most marriages seems to be frequent periods lacking sexual contact as either spouse is physically, mentally or emotionally exhausted from whatever they had to do that day. Porn can have a place in a healthy, strong and lasting marriage if that's what the partners are comfortable with. Using porn regularly doesn't constitute an addiction either, unless it becomes so intrusive that he is unable to meet other obligations like getting to work/job interviews or taking care of the kids

Your assuming a very motherly/parental role in monitoring his masturbation habits. Let the man fap. You want to solve this issue in one stroke?(no pun intended) agree that you dont need to report to each other when jerking it.