Should I leave him?

Me and my child's father have been together for about 2 1/2 years and it's never been perfect. He cheated when I first found out I was pregnant and while I was pregnant BUT he hasn't cheated in 1 1/2 years. I'm conflicted on whether to stay or leave because we argue ALL THE TIME and sometimes it escalates to us pushing and hitting each other never in the face. I try to talk calmly with him and be mature but he ends up yelling and cussing at me (sometimes I do the same thing I'm not perfect). A lot of the times when I tell him that something is bothering me he tells me to get over it or he is very tough on me. Sometimes he blows off my feelings and calls me a crybaby and picks on me for crying when he hurts my feelings (by yelling or just things he says). We don't have any spark anymore. I told him that we have no more romance or anything and he just says "well you don't do sh*t" as in buy him gifts or take him out. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to leave but I love him. I don't want to leave and regret it later please help me I feel so hopeless right now.

Id say leave, let him see his child but leave maybe some time apart will allow you guys to miss eachother, and have the romance again, my relationship was similar but it was her that couldnt talk calmy

Me and my child's father have been together for about 2 1/2 years and it's never been perfect. He cheated when I first found out I was pregnant and while I was pregnant BUT he hasn't cheated in 1 1/2 years. I'm conflicted on whether to stay or leave because we argue ALL THE TIME and sometimes it escalates to us pushing and hitting each other never in the face. I try to talk calmly with him and be mature but he ends up yelling and cussing at me (sometimes I do the same thing I'm not perfect). A lot of the times when I tell him that something is bothering me he tells me to get over it or he is very tough on me. Sometimes he blows off my feelings and calls me a crybaby and picks on me for crying when he hurts my feelings (by yelling or just things he says). We don't have any spark anymore. I told him that we have no more romance or anything and he just says "well you don't do sh*t" as in buy him gifts or take him out. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to leave but I love him. I don't want to leave and regret it later please help me I feel so hopeless right now.

From what you describe, he is abusive to you and treats you like sh*t. You have a child to consider here. Do what's best for both YOU and your child. Leave him! How can you love someone who treats you like that? Ask yourself just what you "love" about a man who screams at you, manipulates you, and physically puts his hands on you? This is not healthy behavior. It is highly unhealthy and abusive behavior. If you are already "pushing and hitting each other" and "argue ALL THE TIME", it is only going to get progressively worse unless you put some distance between you and he. Think of your child. Do you want the kid growing up witnessing fight after fight and seeing violence and toxicity on a regular basis between his parents? If you stay with this guy and allow that to happen, what kind of example are you setting for your child growing up?

I'm assuming you and he live together? Why not move out, get your own place, and suggest getting into counseling? Put your foot down and let him know that you will no longer tolerate being treated like sh*t and firmly tell him that unless he changes his behavior and gets help for his abusive tendencies, then there is no future for you and he. Nip this in the bud before the "pushing and hitting" escalates TO "the face"....which is bound to happen over time if you allow the behavior to continue. Also, don't hesitate to contact the abundance of resources online, and locally, that support women who are in the exact same situation as you are!

From what you describe, he is abusive to you and treats you like sh*t. You have a child to consider here. Do what's best for both YOU and your child. Leave him! How can you love someone who treats you like that? Ask yourself just what you "love" about a man who screams at you, manipulates you, and physically puts his hands on you? This is not healthy behavior. It is highly unhealthy and abusive behavior. If you are already "pushing and hitting each other" and "argue ALL THE TIME", it is only going to get progressively worse unless you put some distance between you and he. Think of your child. Do you want the kid growing up witnessing fight after fight and seeing violence and toxicity on a regular basis between his parents? If you stay with this guy and allow that to happen, what kind of example are you setting for your child growing up?

 

I'm assuming you and he live together? Why not move out, get your own place, and suggest getting into counseling? Put your foot down and let him know that you will no longer tolerate being treated like sh*t and firmly tell him that unless he changes his behavior and gets help for his abusive tendencies, then there is no future for you and he. Nip this in the bud before the "pushing and hitting" escalates TO "the face"....which is bound to happen over time if you allow the behavior to continue. Also, don't hesitate to contact the abundance of resources online, and locally, that support women who are in the exact same situation as you are!

What if I do things to provoke him and I put my hands on him too??

oh darn. how old is your child?

are you in therapy (alone or together)? if not, start asap, go alone if he won't go. also see a social worker and explain the situation, and that you want your family dysfunction to stop, especially as there is a child involved, and tell them you want their guidance and assistance. they are very skilled in family pathology and can help you change the dynamics in your home, or leave (and do so safely) if he has n intention to change, or if you find you can't or don't want to work on this volatile relationship. if the child displays problems they can help with that too to minimize psychological damage.

do you have a fear of abandonment?

if you think about life without him, or single life- how do you feel? do you get a sense of freedom, fear that you can't handle things on your own, guilt,...?

can you help me understand...the feelings and thoughts you have before, during and after you engage in these violent confrontations...?

also, i just noticed you have three identical posts. it would be more helpful (we could offer more suggestions or insight) if you provided the broader context instead.

but certainly, something needs to be done yesterday, primarily because this is traumatic for the child, who will bear a cross for a lifetime. do your best to spare him/her of that.

Answered in your identical thread from Today, 02:12: Please help me please read all

What if I do things to provoke him and I put my hands on him too??

It appears you are already falling for his manipulative way of turning it all around on you and making you believe it's "all your fault"???? Provoke him how? So you hit him as often as he hits you? Do you strike first blows?

OR, If you both behave like that towards each other, then the relationship is dually abusive isn't it? If not abusive, your relationship appears to be completely TOXIC and neither one of you are good for the other. So why continue with the relationship. Again, THINK ABOUT THE EXAMPLE you are setting for your young child, and THINK ABOUT what that's going to do to him growing up having to constantly witness fighting and physical violence between you and this guy.

THINK ABOUT what that's going to do to him growing up having to constantly witness fighting and physical violence between you and this guy.

It appears you are already falling for his manipulative way of turning it all around on you and making you believe it's "all your fault"???? Provoke him how? So you hit him as often as he hits you? Do you strike first blows?

 

OR, If you both behave like that towards each other, then the relationship is dually abusive isn't it? If not abusive, your relationship appears to be completely TOXIC and neither one of you are good for the other. So why continue with the relationship. Again, THINK ABOUT THE EXAMPLE you are setting for your young child, and THINK ABOUT what that's going to do to him growing up having to constantly witness fighting and physical violence between you and this guy.

By hugging him right after I "talked sh*t" or putting my hand in his face first. I totally understand what you're saying I'm just wondering if it's because of that

I mean is he straight up cold cocking you when you're putting his hands in his face? Or is he asserting his space by shoving you off? Big difference, in my mind. Buddy of mine is legally blind in an eye thanks to a "dainty little woman." Don't need to be able to bench press 225 to know how to use your nails. Man or woman, you get physically aggressive on me, I take my space back however I need to. If a woman put her hand in my face to provoke me, I wouldn't go right for the KO or anything, but you'd get pushed away and not like we're on an episode of Barney & Friends, either. I'd say he's also perfectly justified in shoving you away or breaking you off if you're doing some goofy **** like going in for a hug after you know full well you two just went at it and he's in no mood.

Your situation sounds mutually abusive, which in my mind simply means "toxic" as far as you and the boyfriend go. The one being abused is your child, and that's emotionally so by both of you for fostering this kind of environment for him / her.

I wouldn't call the relationship abusive because there doesn't seem to be a power exchange component to it. To me an abuser is someone who is able to exert control and power over someone usually through physical violence. It doesn't look like to me he is able to do that with you or you to him. This is still domestic violence and heightened emotions, two people not capable of controlling themselves and two people that seem to lack a basic respect for one another.

On this forum all someone has to do is to fart and that is enough for everyone to tell you to break up so that tells you something about what they think about relationships. From my perspective there seems to be a basic lack of understanding here of domestic violence. The reason for that is that most on here are disgusted by it and they can only react emotionally and make completely irrational statements about it.

What you are dealing with here is not what people usually think of with DV. Although your situation is potentially dangerous, you could get hurt or could potentially hurt your baby father, you are not being abused, you just have a very poor way of communicating and accepting the other person perspective in conflicts. You only really have control over your behavior and that could potentially be enough to change things around. Is he, or the relationship worth it? You referred to him as your "baby father", is that all he is? Is this relationship worth the effort? That is kind of up to you and to him. I would feel bad about one of you landing in the hospital so I am not answering your original question, you need to ask the right questions and decide for yourself.

Id say leave, let him see his child but leave maybe some time apart will allow you guys to miss each other, and have the romance again, my relationship was similar but it was her that couldnt talk calmy

For Real!!!! This is a emotionally and physically abusive relationship, and you are advising a break?????

OP, this is unhealthy for you and your child! GET OUT!!!!!!!

I wouldn't call the relationship abusive because there doesn't seem to be a power exchange component to it. To me an abuser is someone who is able to exert control and power over someone usually through physical violence. It doesn't look like to me he is able to do that with you or you to him. This is still domestic violence and heightened emotions, two people not capable of controlling themselves and two people that seem to lack a basic respect for one another.

 

On this forum all someone has to do is to fart and that is enough for everyone to tell you to break up so that tells you something about what they think about relationships. From my perspective there seems to be a basic lack of understanding here of domestic violence. The reason for that is that most on here are disgusted by it and they can only react emotionally and make completely irrational statements about it.

 

What you are dealing with here is not what people usually think of with DV. Although your situation is potentially dangerous, you could get hurt or could potentially hurt your baby father, you are not being abused, you just have a very poor way of communicating and accepting the other person perspective in conflicts. You only really have control over your behavior and that could potentially be enough to change things around. Is he, or the relationship worth it? You referred to him as your "baby father", is that all he is? Is this relationship worth the effort? That is kind of up to you and to him. I would feel bad about one of you landing in the hospital so I am not answering your original question, you need to ask the right questions and decide for yourself.

If they are verbally assaulting and being physical, it's abusive. Terrible for the child.

If they are verbally assaulting and being physical, it's abusive. Terrible for the child.

I agree it is a terrible environment for the child to grow up in, the child is learning that this how you are supposed to communicate and express yourself. When the child is growing up and being disrespectful to them and the people around them the OP could wonder where this is coming from. You only need to look at the parent's behavior. I don't call it abusive because of the power dynamic. (teacher/student, parent child, any adult/minor, spouse living in fear, abled/disabled etc.) By your definition anything violent or negative emotionally is abusive and I don't subscribe to that. I still this this is a very undesirable situation for the OP and more so for the child who didn't choose this.

This is a mutually abusive relationship. Never teach your child that this is what a relationship looks like . Also when you two are busy abusing each other your child is being abused by this behaviour.

This is a toxic relationship that is and will continue to be damaging to your child.

For the sake of your child, please end this relationship and get counseling to learn how to co-parent.

Definition

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other. Partners may be married or not married; heterosexual, gay, or lesbian; living together, separated or dating.

Examples of abuse include:

name-calling or putdowns

keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends

withholding money

stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job

actual or threatened physical harm

sexual assault

stalking

intimidation

Violence can be criminal and includes physical assault (hitting, pushing, shoving, etc.), sexual abuse (unwanted or forced sexual activity), and stalking. Although emotional, psychological and financial abuse are not criminal behaviors, they are forms of abuse and can lead to criminal violence.

The violence takes many forms and can happen all the time or once in a while. An important step to help yourself or someone you know in preventing or stopping violence is recognizing the warning signs listed on the "Violence Wheel."

ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.

As someone who was raised in a house with domestic violence and now has mental health issues I appeal to you not to raise your child this way.

This is a mutually abusive relationship.

How can abuse be mutual? This is a pet peeve of mine where words become meaningless and basically become nonexistent. You are actually marginalizing people who actually are being abused. We used to have a word for it, but we don't have it anymore. Same with words like family, marriage, rape those are also words that have lost all of their meaning.

How can abuse be mutual?

"two people cannot be abusive simultaneously. it is impossible for a person on the receiving end of abusive treatment to respond with abusive treatment. that never happens."

mindblowing.

Definition

 

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other.

What I like about that definition that it keeps the concept of control which is really power. I would want to separate the emotional abuse from the physical violence.

There is no evidence that this is happening with the OP from what we can tell.

I appreciate all the feedback. I grew up in an abusive household as well and I definitely will not let my child grow up in the same conditions. Sometimes I feel like I deserve it because I do say mean things or "be annoying ". I posted this to know if I was overreacting. The last incident was he popped our son on the hand and it sounded pretty loud (I admit I probably overreacted) and I said "you don't have to pop him that hard" (he hates when I say stuff like that) so he got mad and started yelling and cussing at me and I apologized and hugged him and he pushed me off by my face and I pushed him back that went on for a few minutes until I started crying after a while he hugged me BUT when I said we were both wrong he disagreed and said I was the only wrong one in this situation

No child should be struck.

No child should be struck.

We pop him to discipline him.

What does hitting teach though? Fear, right? Fear is not a good teacher. Two , if your child is toddler or infant , why hit an infant??