my father is cheating on my mother! help

I honestly dont know how to deal with this. I cant function, i thought this relationship had been in the past and our family was finally moving fwd. Today i was sitting behind my dad and i saw him receive and "i love you to" msg from the same woman who over the past 13 yrs continuously tried to break my family to pieces. Please help me deal with this. I really cant handle the hurt my mother is going to go tru again. Please help me cope.

It sounds like your mother knows already? He's having an affair, your mother knows about it and he won't break up the family if he hasn't for 13 years. This is not your cross to bear.

I i saw him receive and "i love you to" msg from the same woman who over the past 13 yrs continuously tried to break my family to pieces.

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. This has put you in such a terrible position.

Can I ask how old you are? Do you still live at home?

What is the nature of the woman that your father has known for 13 years? A family friend? Does your mother know her as well? How has she tried to tear your family apart prior to this?

My mom knew about it, they broke up countless times for it and they always made back just to keep the family together, we are a family of 5. Usually very happy, but this woman always comes into the picture and tries to screw us up. The woman was my mothers friend, she use to find herself over at our house many times to sleep over and she even broke up her marriage thinking she would get my dad to leave my mom... but he never did, i guess he really likes her to be telling her he loves her.. but why.. i cry all the time thinking about this and now i am scared for life seeing how srs they are and they are in love...

Yes i still live at home and im 30 yrs. Just so hurt right now, wondering how can he love someone else when he should love my mom who takes care of all of us.

The stress from this drains me and keeps me constantly depressed and i have to hide my feelings, which makes it harder.

The stress from this drains me and keeps me constantly depressed and i have to hide my feelings, which makes it harder.

I think at 30, you should move out of the house so that you don't see it day to day and first hand. Its high time that you did that. The relationships you have with your parents will be different when you are a full adult on your own instead of an adult child. Have relationships with your parents separately and together. It is not right for either of them to take care of you any longer. Maybe you think if you stay they will stay together, but its time to grow up.

That's what I would do. You already know your parents split up before and its up to them how they want to carry on with their marriage.

Or, once you are ready to move out, if you really want to be heard, have a cup of coffee with dad - just you and him and say "Dad, I saw the text messages the other day and I know that BettyBoo(whatever her name is) is communicating with you. It makes me sad that you are doing that. If he knows his kids know, then maybe that will give him a wake up call.

I'm sorry you have to witness this first hand. Its painful at any age.

Start working on becoming more independent, domestically and emotionally. Your no longer at an age where your forced to watch this behavior from your dad. Your parents love affairs need not have this big a presence in your life.

Unfortunately, you must prepare for the probability that your father wants to end this marriage and move on, either with this woman, or without. Affairs of this type often cause the marriage to end, with the partner leaving the marriage for the affair partner, only to have that relationship end, as that relationship was really just a symptom of a marriage that should have ended years ago.

I agree with abitbroken: have a heart to heart with your dad. If that's something you just can't see yourself doing, then have one with your mother.

And yes, figure out a way to move out of the house and begin your life as an adult, on your own. I don't know your circumstances, but if you need to begin looking for a roommate for shared expenses, that might help.

It sounds like your mother knows already? He's having an affair, your mother knows about it and he won't break up the family if he hasn't for 13 years. This is not your cross to bear.

While you are a party of your FAMILY, you are NOT a part of your mom and dad's MARRIAGE. I agree, this is not your cross to bear. Take up arms with yourself and seek counseling for YOUR feelings but you do not need to try to FIX mom and dad.

the same woman who over the past 13 yrs continuously tried to break my family to pieces.

Your father is the person responsible for what is happening to his marriage. HE is the one disrespecting his marriage. Had he been focused on his marriage, no other woman could interfere. This woman is just a symptom indicating that your parents relationship is not a happy one and that it's not working as it should. Both your parents have played a part in this and they are the only people responsible. This woman is just a catalyst NOT the main cause of the break down of your parents' marriage. Had they been really compatible no third person would be able to intrude. Regardless, at 30 you are no longer a helpless child. Your parents have fulfilled their obligation to raise you. You need to gain emotional independence and it seems that staying at their home keeps you in a childlike state of mind. It IS very sad that your parents were not able to build a healthy and stable relationship in the long term BUT maybe it's time to accept that they are no longer compatible. People change. Their needs change. Neither of them are happy in their marriage. What is more important to you? Their marriage intact or them being happy? 13 years of trying to stay together seems to have failed. As hard as it is, maybe it's time for you to take a step back and acknowledge that your parents relationship is separate from your relationship to you (you are an adult now - their relationship has fulfilled its purpose), that sadly not all relationships make it to the very end, that your parents are human and fallible and that it's time to detach from the ideal marriage of "forever" when it comes to your parents. Moving out and talking to a therapist would probably be beneficial for your healing.

Yes i still live at home and im 30 yrs.

Your Mom has been dealing with your Dad long before she had you 30 years ago. She knows what's going on and how she chooses to handle it.

Growing up and moving out is how we move away from trying to manipulate our parents' marriage and focus instead on raising ourselves as adults. So I'd keep my mouth shut and step out of the child role that's keeping you miserable. I'd go apartment hunting, and I'd consider a place with enough room for Mom to stay if she wants to get away from your Dad.

Gotta echo the folks essentially telling you to butt out and address your own issues of dependency, among others I'm sure. Yes, it undoubtedly sucks to see someone you're supposed to care and respect completely undermining someone else for whom you do care, but appropriating your mother's struggle is not only completely unnecessary, but I'd go as far as to say disrespectful to her.

I'm assuming she's not a daft lady. Not to make light of cheating in any way whatsoever, but oftentimes a partner stays or learns to cope with it not because they're helpless hostages, but because they've weighed the unfaithful partner against other aspects the relationship or marriage might offer that do provide a sense of fulfillment. Could be your parents' business, the fact she's able to still house and support her 30 year old daughter, whatever. Point being it's not on your place to represent any side or struggle in their marriage.

Best of luck with getting out on your own.