NC Journal Log - #2

Hello everyone,

I am sure some of you have read my previous posts as of recently. I have just gone through one of the worst break-ups imaginable.

I encourage you to read my full story so that you can help me out. I am usually an emotionally strong person, but this break-up has destroyed me.

FULL STORY

POST BREAK-UP CRUELNESS

Short Version:

- We are both 24yrs old now, she left a week before our birthdays.

- We have been together for 6yrs, and planned on getting married at the end of the year. She chased me all those years ago because she really liked me.

- She has a tendency to put family/friends before me because she said she always wants to "please everyone". So I would always tell her that we need to only be concerned with us and make each other happy.

- I have noticed that since our engagement, our arguments got more intense than they should have been. I am wondering if it has to do with the fact her mother said "I wish I could be happy for you" (when she found out my ex was engaged to me).

- She said that in stressful situations, she often has "fight or flight" responses and almost always chooses "flight". I would encourage her that we can "fight" together and she doesn't need to run away all the time. She always told me she appreciated that and loved me.

- She would often go through "phases" (as I called them) because she would find interest in doing something, then all of sudden stop doing it and move on to the next big thing. I believe this was done in an effort to "fit in".

- After she left, she has done everything that she said she didn't like to do. She completely dropped out of school (parents didn't like her going), started drinking/going out with her old co-workers (who I thought she didn't like), etc. She has betrayed everything she stood for. All of these things she is doing is what her mother has always wanted her to do. Perhaps she chose her family over me? It hurts to think that...

- She has also begun a total social media PURGE. All of our pictures together, statuses, events, you name have all disappeared. It is like the last 5yrs of our lives never happened. Even the most innocent of statuses she posted years ago, "Seeing a movie with !" was deleted within hours.

A few years back, before my current ex, I kept a daily NC log on here to help me cope with the pain. Perhaps writing out my feelings is therapeutic to me.

I have been in NC since she left that box on my porch and sent me the final "goodbye" text.

I have been seeing my friends recently, including our mutual friends. All of them have chosen my side and do not want to talk with her. They are all shocked as to why she has done this to me and surprised the person she has turned into. I own a house that we lived in & re-built together since I bought it back in June 2016. I haven't been able to go to the house alone or sleep there alone due to the haunting memories I have there, both good and bad. It is like living with her ghost.

Today - I start SUPER NC but I will NOT allow myself to look at her Facebook profile (even though I unfriended her), Google her name, etc. And if I do find myself beginning to think about looking at her Facebook or googling her, I will punish myself by exercising more.

DAY #1

I am struggling a bit today. Last night I went to trivia with some new friends. The trivia organizer wore a nerd shirt that my ex always wore, made me feel sad. I keep having flashbacks to our time together.

Today I am seeing my therapist, who I have been seeing since she left. Hopefully she can help analyze my ex and help me stop feeling hurt, sad and lost. This break-up has not only affected me, but it has affected my family as well. My mother has cried for weeks because she saw how hurt I was and my father cried for the first time since his brother passed away 5yrs ago. She has done so much damage and I feel like she is getting away with it by not feeling any hurt at all... which makes me feel like she has won.

My parents will be leaving me for a week to go on vacation, so I will be entirely all alone. I am very scared of how I am going to handle this, since I hate being alone. I have a tendency to spin and think the wrong things since she left, being alone in silence does not help. The last time they left me alone was Easter (the first holiday without my ex) and I panicked. I went to a church, prayed to God and talked to a Priest to help me and pray for my ex to come back to me. I also went to a psychic who told me she would be back in 2-4 months. I cried so much after I talked with the psychic, I don't know why.

I am starting to get to the realization that the relationship is over, but it hurts to feel that way.

It is like my heart/mind can't let her go, I keep thinking "she'll text me one day, I know she still loves me & cares for me. She can't be THIS cruel to me, I wasn't that bad of a person!".

My own memories and that false hope is all I have left of her. I am almost scared to move on without her, since I have spent the last 6yrs of my life with her and we did everything together.

Tomorrow I am seeing an old friend of mine, he is significantly older than I am. But I am hoping he gives me the support I am looking for.

Hello everyone,

 

I am sure some of you have read my previous posts as of recently. I have just gone through one of the worst break-ups imaginable.

 

I encourage you to read my full story so that you can help me out. I am usually an emotionally strong person, but this break-up has destroyed me.

FULL STORY

POST BREAK-UP CRUELNESS

 

Short Version:

- We are both 24yrs old now, she left a week before our birthdays.

- We have been together for 6yrs, and planned on getting married at the end of the year. She chased me all those years ago because she really liked me.

- She has a tendency to put family/friends before me because she said she always wants to "please everyone". So I would always tell her that we need to only be concerned with us and make each other happy.

- I have noticed that since our engagement, our arguments got more intense than they should have been. I am wondering if it has to do with the fact her mother said "I wish I could be happy for you" (when she found out my ex was engaged to me).

- She said that in stressful situations, she often has "fight or flight" responses and almost always chooses "flight". I would encourage her that we can "fight" together and she doesn't need to run away all the time. She always told me she appreciated that and loved me.

- She would often go through "phases" (as I called them) because she would find interest in doing something, then all of sudden stop doing it and move on to the next big thing. I believe this was done in an effort to "fit in".

- After she left, she has done everything that she said she didn't like to do. She completely dropped out of school (parents didn't like her going), started drinking/going out with her old co-workers (who I thought she didn't like), etc. She has betrayed everything she stood for. All of these things she is doing is what her mother has always wanted her to do. Perhaps she chose her family over me? It hurts to think that...

- She has also begun a total social media PURGE. All of our pictures together, statuses, events, you name have all disappeared. It is like the last 5yrs of our lives never happened. Even the most innocent of statuses she posted years ago, "Seeing a movie with !" was deleted within hours.

 

 

A few years back, before my current ex, I kept a daily NC log on here to help me cope with the pain. Perhaps writing out my feelings is therapeutic to me.

I have been in NC since she left that box on my porch and sent me the final "goodbye" text.

 

 

I have been seeing my friends recently, including our mutual friends. All of them have chosen my side and do not want to talk with her. They are all shocked as to why she has done this to me and surprised the person she has turned into. I own a house that we lived in & re-built together since I bought it back in June 2016. I haven't been able to go to the house alone or sleep there alone due to the haunting memories I have there, both good and bad. It is like living with her ghost.

 

Today - I start SUPER NC but I will NOT allow myself to look at her Facebook profile (even though I unfriended her), Google her name, etc. And if I do find myself beginning to think about looking at her Facebook or googling her, I will punish myself by exercising more.

 

DAY #1

 

I am struggling a bit today. Last night I went to trivia with some new friends. The trivia organizer wore a nerd shirt that my ex always wore, made me feel sad. I keep having flashbacks to our time together.

 

Today I am seeing my therapist, who I have been seeing since she left. Hopefully she can help analyze my ex and help me stop feeling hurt, sad and lost. This break-up has not only affected me, but it has affected my family as well. My mother has cried for weeks because she saw how hurt I was and my father cried for the first time since his brother passed away 5yrs ago. She has done so much damage and I feel like she is getting away with it by not feeling any hurt at all... which makes me feel like she has won.

 

My parents will be leaving me for a week to go on vacation, so I will be entirely all alone. I am very scared of how I am going to handle this, since I hate being alone. I have a tendency to spin and think the wrong things since she left, being alone in silence does not help. The last time they left me alone was Easter (the first holiday without my ex) and I panicked. I went to a church, prayed to God and talked to a Priest to help me and pray for my ex to come back to me. I also went to a psychic who told me she would be back in 2-4 months. I cried so much after I talked with the psychic, I don't know why.

 

 

I am starting to get to the realization that the relationship is over, but it hurts to feel that way.

It is like my heart/mind can't let her go, I keep thinking "she'll text me one day, I know she still loves me & cares for me. She can't be THIS cruel to me, I wasn't that bad of a person!".

 

My own memories and that false hope is all I have left of her. I am almost scared to move on without her, since I have spent the last 6yrs of my life with her and we did everything together.

 

Tomorrow I am seeing an old friend of mine, he is significantly older than I am. But I am hoping he gives me the support I am looking for.

I feel you brother. I'm in a similar situation in terms of my emotions. No matter how hard you try to dominate, sometimes you do become a slave to your emotions. Mine was only a 6 month relationship. It might help me move on faster than you but I promise you the pain is just as real as yours and as intense. Today is day 3 of no contact but this urge of just saying "hey, how are you doing" keeps coming back.

It's 6:00 am right now and I feel exactly like you, wondering if she will text me at some point (even though she suggested we be friends or something because she wanted to exist in my life and still loves and cares for me. This was the day she broke up with me but I had said becoming friends was not plausible right now. Her last message after that was even more confusing because she said "she thought about it and thinks I'm probably right and hopes we do feel the need to exist in each others lives, if not anything else then as friends". Talk about ing up closure. I never replied.) because she must miss me regardless or how can it be that easy for her. It even goes to dark places wondering if she found someone else at work so I know how spinning things the wrong way can go. I would be happy to be your support person to talk these feelings through and vice versa if you are up for it.

Anyway, such is the pain of getting your heart broken. I too have a friend who just got here today at 4:00 am to hang out for the weekend and we would be going out trekking and camping on Saturday.

Wow, our stories are scarily similar right down to the years we spent together and the controlling mother.

If you ever need to talk PM me.

My friend at work came back from his parental maternity leave for his second child.

I keep getting flashbacks of the time when he first told me his wife got pregnant. My ex & I said we would go see him and see the baby, then my ex started talking about our lives together.

When the baby was born, my ex was gone.

This morning was a little lonely. I have been living with my parents since she left because the house I bought for us is too painful to live in. It is eerily quiet and filled with memories (both good & bad).

Luckily, I will be having a party at my house tomorrow as well as having a friend over on Sunday.

When I saw my therapist last night, she told me that I was not "controlling" my ex, but rather protecting her and my own identity. That made me feel better. Everyone, including my therapist, thinks I am better off without this person. I guess since we spent so many years together, I found it hard to let go of her. I loved her and she loved me.... but apparently not anymore.

I miss you and I hope you are thinking of me... I hope to hear from you soon.

Despite all of your flaws, I still love you. I saw the ugly parts of you but I still chose to stay, instead of taking the coward's route and running away.

What have you done? We were going to be beautiful... :sorrow:

i feel your pain. i'm so sorry that you are hurting.

I know you miss her and i am sorry that she hurt you and took the love you gave without returning it in the way you had planned.

sending you love and light.

Today my parents leave for their week-long vacation to start looking for retirement homes in South Carolina. A couple months ago, this did not bother me because I was with my ex-fiance and were planning our life together. We planned on having Mother's Day with her family and doing spring cleaning around the house. It breaks my heart knowing that it was all thrown away within hours...

Since my parents are gone, I slept at my house. This would have been the second time I have slept here since my ex-fiance left. Needless to say, I hardly got any sleep. I would wake up every hour or so and be in a delirious & panic state. I would wake up, turn over and see she isn't there... which broke my heart.

I have been alone since 6am this morning and started panicking. If I am alone for too long I start to develop suicidal thoughts, finding comfort knowing that there is way out of this. I have been seeing a therapist.

My mind is basically telling me that I need to get my life where it was 3 months ago (engaged & living with someone) within a year, because that is when my parents will be moving to South Carolina for good. I have no family other than them, since the rest of my family is completely crazy & nuts and my parents & I have not spoken to them for years.

To take a page out of my ex's book:

I am just not happy....

...and I haven't been since she left. I feel incomplete and I can't seem to shake/live with the immense guilt that I have. She has blamed the entire demise of the relationship on me and I am starting to believe it, I am not sure if this is gas-lighting or not. I am constantly tortured by flashbacks and I hear her voice echo in my head of the things she has said to me in the last couple weeks of our relationship.

I may have a good job, nice house, no debt, college degree... but if I don't have my ex (or someone else), I feel so alone and like a failure.

I haven't cried in awhile, haven't gotten angry... just constant feelings of guilt, heartbreak and panic.

I am supposed to have a party with my friends tonight around 4pm... I am just trying to make it until then.

It has been almost two months since she left and I have not really made any progress towards getting over her completely. I still love her and I miss her terribly. I just want to talk to her again, I'm sure we can come up with something and return our life to what it once was... but I fear that she may never be come back. Unfortunately, I have seen her dispose of people like this before.... be cruel to them and never speak to them again.

This morning was a little rough, as always.... woke up in the middle of the night like I used to but my ex wasn't there. Before I would always cuddle her and she would do the same. This time, it was just me.

Everyone was busy today, considering it is Mother's Day. I had my mother's day celebration with my parents last week, considering they are out of town this week.

The party last night was fun, but I did have occasional waves of loneliness. The friends that came over all have wives/girlfriends (except for two guys). These people are the same people that my ex & I would go on double-dates with a lot. We had some disagreements with them so we grew apart. Funny thing is, even after my ex sent them the text saying that I was this evil person who orchestrated the destruction of the friendship... they took my side and said she is crazy and don't want to talk to her. People are telling me that I am being too nice to my ex and giving her the benefit of the doubt. My ex moved out on March 25th and I assume they did the change of address almost immediately. While the post office was processing the mail, I would take her mail and deliver it to her parents house. One package came in yesterday addressed to my ex, with a tracking number. I contemplating on sending it back to the sender and saying "ADDRESSE HAS MOVED". But I feared that since the package had a tracking number, my ex may contact me and ask why I am harboring her package.... I decided to be the bigger person and just deliver it to her parents house late at night. I just wrote on the package, "This is the final time I am re-delivering your mail...."

My friends were telling me that I was being too nice, that I should have thrown it out or send it back to the sender. They were telling me that the cruelness she displayed towards me is reason enough and that she doesn't share my compassion and kindness. I would argue that is why being compassionate & kind, despite everything, is so important... it is what separates me from them (her & her family).

Hopefully tomorrow I will be seeing this girl and we'll be going out to get a quick piece of cake... she hasn't responded to my text today confirming tomorrow, but I figure she is busy with Mother's Day things.

Survived another day...

People are telling me that I am being too nice to my ex and giving her the benefit of the doubt. My ex moved out on March 25th and I assume they did the change of address almost immediately. While the post office was processing the mail, I would take her mail and deliver it to her parents house. One package came in yesterday addressed to my ex, with a tracking number. I contemplating on sending it back to the sender and saying "ADDRESSE HAS MOVED". But I feared that since the package had a tracking number, my ex may contact me and ask why I am harboring her package.... I decided to be the bigger person and just deliver it to her parents house late at night. I just wrote on the package, "This is the final time I am re-delivering your mail...."

 

My friends were telling me that I was being too nice, that I should have thrown it out or send it back to the sender. They were telling me that the cruelness she displayed towards me is reason enough and that she doesn't share my compassion and kindness. I would argue that is why being compassionate & kind, despite everything, is so important... it is what separates me from them (her & her family).

You're a good man and you did the right thing being by the bigger person.

It is easy to be crappy to the people who hurt us but it takes strength to be nice to them.

Bravo my friend, bravo. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

You're a good man and you did the right thing being by the bigger person.

 

It is easy to be crappy to the people who hurt us but it takes strength to be nice to them.

 

Bravo my friend, bravo. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I agree. I'm impressed.

Listen, you do not have to be stupid or a jerk to the woman you were going to marry, just because common culture suggests that it is ok or right to be that way. This was a person you loved with your whole being, enough to plan a life with her, so it's not ok or right to behave spitefully toward her, no matter what she did.

Behave with integrity. Take the high road, as you have.

And understand that everything you feel, and any attending confusion or disorganized thinking you have, is totally normal. This is grief. You are in bereavement over the apparent loss of a whole lifetime you'd counted on spending with this woman you love(d). That's enormous. Expect more of it, and also have faith that you are strong enough to transcend it and rise to your own higher Self. I understand the future may look and feel unfathomable. Just trust that good things will come your way. Go minute by minute, focus only on now, and ultimately whatever happens is going to be ok.

Have faith. Sometimes it is all we ever have, but if you lean into it, more often than not it works.

And I am so sorry about your brother. (((HUGS)))

Last night I hung out with an old friend of mine who also knows my ex through me. I hadn't seen him in a couple years.

I told him the complete story with my ex and he said that she has gone off the deep end and that he plans on deleting her from FB because of her cruelness towards me.

I slept at my parents house last night, due to the fact that I have all of my work clothes at their house (since I've been living with them since my ex left). I went to my local gym yesterday and I felt sad. The last time I was at that gym was several years ago in high school, after a girl broke up with me. My buddy used to bring me there, but he is in Iowa now. I was glad I didn't have to go back to that place, but yet there I was again.... after a girl broke up with me.

The mornings are always the worst, I miss her terribly. Each day gets better though, but I am still hoping she reaches out and talks to me. I fear that she will our relationship in pieces and refuse to go back and fix it.... despite our flaws, imperfections and history. I don't know who she is right now.... nobody does.

As Yoda once said about Anakin, I can apply to my ex:

"Twisted by the dark side, Rachel has become. The girl you proposed to, gone she is. CONSUMED by her mother."

Makes me sad to know that she allowed her mother to twist her mind until now, she has become the very thing she swore she would not be. I am struggling to know what the truth is/was. Was she lying to me that whole time and she really want to be the person she is now? Or is she just obeying what her parents tell her to do? I feel betrayed..

Last night I hung out with an old friend of mine who also knows my ex through me. I hadn't seen him in a couple years.

I told him the complete story with my ex and he said that she has gone off the deep end and that he plans on deleting her from FB because of her cruelness towards me.

 

I slept at my parents house last night, due to the fact that I have all of my work clothes at their house (since I've been living with them since my ex left). I went to my local gym yesterday and I felt sad. The last time I was at that gym was several years ago in high school, after a girl broke up with me. My buddy used to bring me there, but he is in Iowa now. I was glad I didn't have to go back to that place, but yet there I was again.... after a girl broke up with me.

 

The mornings are always the worst, I miss her terribly. Each day gets better though, but I am still hoping she reaches out and talks to me. I fear that she will our relationship in pieces and refuse to go back and fix it.... despite our flaws, imperfections and history. I don't know who she is right now.... nobody does.

 

 

As Yoda once said about Anakin, I can apply to my ex:

 

"Twisted by the dark side, Rachel has become. The girl you proposed to, gone she is. CONSUMED by her mother."

 

 

Makes me sad to know that she allowed her mother to twist her mind until now, she has become the very thing she swore she would not be. I am struggling to know what the truth is/was. Was she lying to me that whole time and she really want to be the person she is now? Or is she just obeying what her parents tell her to do? I feel betrayed..

Now I am no psychologist but based on having a very similar EX here is what I think.

No she was the woman you loved... but only when she was with you.

She is the woman she is now...but only when she is with her parents.

My ex was exactly the same. There is no "Real Rachel" she has been stripped of her individuality by her mother's emotional abuse.

As a result she is so desperate for the approval of others that she will act like whom ever she is around, almost like a mirror.

I feel that if you put her in a group of racists for a period of time she will start sharing thier views.

The only reason she acted the way that she did around you was because you encouraged her to make her own choices. But they we're willing to hurt her to make her do what they wanted and you weren't.

So of course she choose them in the end. It's like Stockholm syndrome.

But in the end it's for the best because you would have been miserable with her.

Every time you turned around she would turn into the person she is now.

Almost like being married to Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

Yesterday was really my first day alone - it was tough.

I watched a movie by myself in the empty house. I heard creaks and my mind kept thinking, "Oh, she's home!"

But of course, this isn't the case

Everybody was busy so I had to fend for myself yesterday - I have never done this before. In the past, I always had someone with me (parents, friends, my current ex, etc). Made me realize how alone I really am. I have to learn to be happy by myself. Problem is, I don't really have a lot of hobbies. For the past several years, I made my life revolve around my ex and just relax & do nothing with her. She would always tell me that she loved to just sit with me and do nothing. Guess I need to start doing something....

I always plan ahead for everything in my life and my ex destroyed my world. Had the honeymoon planned in December, wedding in October, mini-trip in November, etc. It really hurts at the pit of my stomach to know that I have nothing planned and have no idea what I'm going to be doing. I don't like the unknown, I don't like being alone, I don't like how my life is right now... I keep thinking there has to be a way out. I know I'm stronger than this, but the mornings are always the worst.

I've been listening to Charlie Puth's new song, "Attention". It reminds me, among other things, of my ex. She is doing things that she knows bother me and she probably knows my friends (who are still FB friends with her) will tell me and give me updates on her.

I still pray that one day she will get the strength she needs to stand up for herself, be her own person and get the counseling she needs. Heck, a few weeks before she left me she said it might be a good idea for her to talk to a counselor about her issues. I encouraged her to go but I imagine now she doesn't think she has to go. Every night before I go to bed I always tell her "Goodnight . I love you forever".

Maybe I do this because I still want to hang on to something, as a physical memento to our relationship & our time together. I have just a handful of our pictures (that I took down from my desk at work) in an envelope. It is tucked away in a box somewhere. I can't do what she is doing/has done, which is doing a TOTAL social media purge of our time together (un-tagging & deleting everything). Every shred of my existence is being destroyed....

Our relationship was the longest one either of us has ever had, wouldn't that take a LONG TIME to go through EVERY picture/status of us from the past 5yrs and delete it/un-tag\ging?? Man... she is brutual. How can she be so heartless?

Last night I saw an old girl friend of mine. I knew her since elementary school and she also used to be friends with my ex, but also experienced her wrath (started completely ignoring her). She gave me her number and said she'd be interested to go on a "date"... but she has a BF? He sounds like a loser, but not my issue. I enjoyed my evening with her.

After which, one of my new friends (post breakup) came over and we had dinner and started telling each other the complete story of our hurtful ex's breakups. He told me his complete story and I told him mine. His occurred back in Oct 2015, so he has a clearer head than I do. After talking with him, he kept saying that my ex has severe problems and is now gone & I should be glad because she was so "ungodly cruel" to me. Chose her mean family over me, is psychologically damaged, total opposites, etc.

Again - I do not feel angry at my ex, I am sad to see her destroying her life like this. I know it isn't my problem anymore, but I still feel sorry for her. I loved her for a long time and she liked/loved me for even longer than that. I always tried to encourage her and help her become the person she always wanted to be. Unfortunately, looks like her parents' evil ways finally took control and I wasn't able to help her.

Tonight I am going with my new friend to trivia that we do every Wednesday night - to take my mind off things.

Each day is better than the previous, but I still miss her for some reason. I'm sure I will get over her, despite all of our time together.

I'm sure I will get over her, despite all of our time together.

That's the spirit!!!

Trivia was OK last night, the group I go with likes to drink... I don't.

I still get moments of surreal-ness. I often catch myself staring into space and thinking, "this is my life now... at a bar doing trivia. I was on track to becoming a husband with and living the life we wanted to live."

I need to stop thinking about her... but I'm not sure if I ever will be able to forget her. She was my first long-term relationship and I loved/cared for her very much. I feel pity for her, that she is destroying her life.... but perhaps this is what she always wanted.

My parents arrive home tonight from their vacation, I'm glad because then I won't be as alone as I have been. I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow. My assignment from the past couple weeks is writing a letter to my ex, never send it and bring it to my counseling session for my therapist to dissect it.

I am trying to put myself back out there on the dating scene, but I will always miss & love her.

I hope she is feeling the same.

You won't forget, but you will move on.

Cut yourself some slack. You were together a long time, and it has only been a couple of months. It's going to take time.

Your nightly "I love you" to her is likely not helping you any. Even though it's a message that she isn't actually receiving, it's one that's keeping you tied to her and making her one of the last things you think about at night.

Maybe instead...you do something for you. Even a small affirmation to yourself instead of a message to her before you close your eyes at night. See how it feels after a week.

I woke up this morning with a sense of shock & disappointment.

A friend of mine spoke to me last night and told me that my ex posted a few things on Instagram. Not surprisingly, all of our pictures together were completely purged. She posted a quote for Mother's Day saying how great her mother is and how her mother taught her to "be strong" and "stand up for herself and what she believes in". This is total bull crap....

Her mother, ever since she was a kid, emotionally abused my ex. My ex's mother discouraged her from doing what she wanted to do (ex. be a teacher, go to school, etc).

It is sad to know my ex has become her mother's slave and is becoming more & more like her mother. She would always cry to me & tell me that her parents have taught her "what not to become".

My mother told me that there is a difference between feeling sorry for someone and feeling pity. According to her, feeling "sorry" for someone means that the victim is suffering from circumstances beyond their control (such as a car accident, death in family, etc). Feeling "pity" for someone means that the victim is suffering from circumstances that they CAN control, but choose to do nothing about their situation.

That being said - I feel heavy pity for my ex.

She ceased to be herself and became her mother. When that happened, the good girl that was my girlfriend was destroyed.

I am approaching the 2 month mark of when my ex-fiance left me (24th day).

Despite what my therapist, friends and family all say, I still miss her and want her back. I miss the life we had.

But, I think I am conveniently forgetting all of the bad times we had too. I always thought that if we gave enough love & faith, we could conquer anything. I thought that we had made it this far, we could do anything.

Why am I still in denial? Why do I still think that she will contact me soon, why do I still believe that it isn't over?

I think... becauase I don't want to believe it.

Perhaps -I don't want to believe it is over.

I just found out through a friend that my ex is now in a new relationship and has a new boyfriend. This happened a few hours after I made my previous post.

It has literally been less than two months since we broke up. It would have been two months exactly on the 24th.

I am in such shock and hurt.. I can't believe it.

Everyone keeps telling me it is a rebound and this isn't real...

I am in such pain right now...

I feel like my healing has been reversed and I haven't been able to breathe or sleep since yesterday.

I have since blocked her on FB. Before I just unfriended her, now I blocked her.

I still have not reached out to my ex and she has not reached out to me.

I am still absolutely DEVASTATED about her new relationship. It has been less than 2 months since she left. I hope this is a rebound. I guess I just want her to go through the emotional trauma that she has put me & my family through. All of my friends rushed to my aid when they found out, some have even commented on her FB relationship update and said things like, "Moving fast eh?". To which, my ex deleted their comments.

I feel so useless... I feel like our relationship meant nothing to her and that I have undone much, if not all of my healing progress I made. I have actively tried to not see what she is up to, but a friend informed me of the new relationship. I literally could not breathe when I saw the picture/text. To the point where I went over to a friend's place and I had my first alcoholic drink. I made a pledge to myself to not drink my sorrows away and I had never drank alcohol in my life. But my ex has pushed me to the point where I broke my own promise to myself.

She has such power over me, and she isn't even with me. I still have not yet been able to sleep at my house, due to the horrible memories & trauma that occurred there. I have been sleeping at my parents house since she left. I understand I am allowing her to have this power over me, I don't know why! I think it is because I almost don't want to let go. I know I need to let go, but I miss her and I still love her.

Please help me... I don't understand why I cannot get angry with my ex. My family is beginning to get irritated & frustrated with me as to why I still have not yet gotten over my ex or how I'm still not angry with her. I still miss her for some reason... what is wrong with me?! :sorrow:

She is a broken, unbalanced monster. I have seen what she is capable of, I don't know why I can't hate her or get angry with her. I have been in non-stop hurt since she left and I had a huge setback two days ago when I found out she got into a new relationship.

I still have not reached out to my ex and she has not reached out to me.

 

I am still absolutely DEVASTATED about her new relationship. It has been less than 2 months since she left. I hope this is a rebound. I guess I just want her to go through the emotional trauma that she has put me & my family through. All of my friends rushed to my aid when they found out, some have even commented on her FB relationship update and said things like, "Moving fast eh?". To which, my ex deleted their comments.

 

 

I feel so useless... I feel like our relationship meant nothing to her and that I have undone much, if not all of my healing progress I made. I have actively tried to not see what she is up to, but a friend informed me of the new relationship. I literally could not breathe when I saw the picture/text. To the point where I went over to a friend's place and I had my first alcoholic drink. I made a pledge to myself to not drink my sorrows away and I had never drank alcohol in my life. But my ex has pushed me to the point where I broke my own promise to myself.

 

 

She has such power over me, and she isn't even with me. I still have not yet been able to sleep at my house, due to the horrible memories & trauma that occurred there. I have been sleeping at my parents house since she left. I understand I am allowing her to have this power over me, I don't know why! I think it is because I almost don't want to let go. I know I need to let go, but I miss her and I still love her.

 

Please help me... I don't understand why I cannot get angry with my ex. My family is beginning to get irritated & frustrated with me as to why I still have not yet gotten over my ex or how I'm still not angry with her. I still miss her for some reason... what is wrong with me?! :sorrow:

 

 

She is a broken, unbalanced monster. I have seen what she is capable of, I don't know why I can't hate her or get angry with her. I have been in non-stop hurt since she left and I had a huge setback two days ago when I found out she got into a new relationship.

I'm so sorry you are hurting. So sorry the news of her has found you.

When I found out about my ex luv's fling (his fling also started 2 months after we broke up), I cried all day and laid in bed having convulsions.

Listen..... You love her. It's ok. It's going to hurt. It will take considerable time to get over her. You don't have to hate her or be angry. You don't. So stop feeling like you need to feel some anger toward her. It's not necessary.

You have our support. You aren't going to go through this alone.

Another rough morning.

I went to our mutual friends' apartment last night, since I wasn't doing well on my own.

They were watching "The Bachelorette" show and it literally made me sick. The bachelorette featured on the show had the same name as my ex and she was making out/going on dates with all of these different men. It was disgusting! It gave me horrible visions and images of my ex going out on all of these dates and kissing all of these strange men. I am not doing that with other women! I don't want to, I would rather have a relationship happen naturally!

Needless to say, I could not sleep last night. I kept waking up throughout the night and thinking that this situation is just a dream and I will really "wake up" to my old life where I was living with my ex in our house. Everytime I wake up, I face the harsh truth that she is no longer by my side and is now probably going crazy with this new boyfriend of hers. I still CANNOT BELIEVE that she is with this person less than TWO MONTHS after our 6yr relationship and that we were going to get married at the end of this year. I understood that she might eventually find someone new, but not this quickly!!

Ugh.. the gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach. I am going to try and take anti-depressants during the day and Xanax to calm my emotions, my mind and my suicidal thoughts.

I cannot imagine a life without her and it REALLY hurts to know that she might not be with me by the time December rolls around... when our honeymoon was supposed to be.

Please know that your life is worth living. Don't let this loss define you.

You're a good person. We need you.