My boyfriend thinks I have a drinking problem, but is it the age gap?

Hello friendly people,

My name is Maggie and I'm 19 years old. I've been in a relationship with my 27 year old boyfriend for 8 months and have never been happier. We started as best friends and everything is amazing, besides our arguments on drinking. We both like to drink and have a good time, but I have always had a problem with knowing my limit before I get too drunk. At the beginning of our relationship, I blacked out while at college and was taken advantage of by another student. This caused a lot of turmoil and I blamed myself for blacking out again and not being in control of myself. Though my boyfriend said it was an awful thing that happened and claimed he didn't blame me, he always said I wouldn't have been in that situation if I hadn't blacked out yet again. We tried to move past it and thought there was progress being made, but obviously drinking problems don't go away over night and I still struggle with knowing my right amount. After that night, the mistakes I have made while drinking have dramatically decreased in severity, but the same conversation still arises and I feel like he doesn't acknowledge that I am trying to make it better. I feel like he expects me to know my limit because he never had a problem with it, but I am only 19 years old and in college, don't college kids sometimes get a little too drunk? He is an unbelievable person and everything I could ask for in a boyfriend, but I am afraid to drink because of a recent ultimatum he gave me: "If you black out one more time, I'm done. I'm not having the same conversation with you again. I don't like super drunk Maggie and it scares me that you don't even remember what you do when you drink." This came from me getting a little too drunk with my family on vacation 2 days ago and forgetting to text him goodnight. He said that it shows the emotional neglect and that he wouldn't be this sensitive if there hadn't been a horrible past with it. I am willing to stop drinking and I really do want to get better for myself, but it scares me that he's basically waiting for me to fail again. This is my first relationship and I am so deeply in love with him. Me being insensitive or drinking too much are the only problems we have. I just don't know how to go about it since I've said that I won't blackout before and then it has accidentally happened. I don't want to ruin a beautiful relationship because I can't control my drinking, but I don't know how to move forward and build trust. If you've actually read this far, bless you, I would love any feedback or questions or anything anyone has to say.

Much love

I'm 19 years old. I have always had a problem with knowing my limit before I get too drunk.

 

I am willing to stop drinking and I really do want to get better for myself,

I would agree with you that you definitely have a drinking problem. At such a young age, drinking in such excess, to the point of blackout, yes, it is going to cause a lot of grief in ANY relationship. If it's this bad already, at age 19, can you imagine how bad you'll be at age 25? You'll be a full-blown alcoholic.

If you are really serious about bettering yourself and willing to stop drinking, then do all you can to make it happen. Don't just say the words. Mean what you say and take action. Perhaps a good start would be to go to some AA meetings for guidance. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Visualise your future. An alcoholic, failed relationships and little chance of ever holding a job etc. Or a successful, happy future. I know which one I would choose. Choice is yours.

You have a drinking problem, because you are getting drunk enough to black out and lose control repeatedly. I was in college, I drank, I did not drink to that point. Youth has nothing to do with it. Sometimes people do get black out drunk - once. And then most people don't do it again, because no one wants to be that vulnerable or so out of it they could hurt others or be hurt. Black out drunk is when you get behind the wheel and don't remember doing so or you end up in places with people you never intended. It also makes you a mark for every predator out there, so please stop.

The time you were assaulted, that might not have been you, the guy could have slipped something in your drink. For that I'm going to tell you to see a counselor if it's troubling you. But if you keep on drinking to the point you're blacking out, that's a serious warning sign something is wrong and alcohol is taking over your life and it, not you, is in the driver's seat. So yes you have a problem, because your compulsion to drink is overriding basic self-preservation instinct. If you can't stop then it's time to get into AA or again, seek out some sort of counseling. If you go to college, your college will have services to offer you and you should take them up on that.

I watched my father battle alcoholism for years. It's a road I'm going to tell you as someone who had a ringside seat, that you do not want to walk down and the sooner you stop and never set foot on that path again, the better your entire future is going to be. It's not an addiction one just stops and the deeper in you go, the more painful and the higher price you pay to get back out. IF you get back out.

And you are already on that path. You were there the second time you got to blackout drunk. If you have no limits and don't know when to stop then your limit should be none.

Get into therapy, get into AA, but do that for you - not your boyfriend - you do that for you, because this is your life we're talking about here and you don't want it wasted away. Right now you have everything in front of you, and this boyfriend may or may not last, but you taking positive steps to get off of a path that is dangerous to you, to anyone actually, will only do you good no matter what the boyfriend or anyone else says or does. Do it for you.

It does sound like you should cut back on drinking, no question. I don't think anyone can make you stop right away, so I'll give you some advice that helped my friends and me not getting too drunk when we were in our party-phase: Drink one glass of water after every(!) alcoholic drink. Because then you'll quench your thirst, stay hydrated, and will probably go to the bathroom more often, which are all good things. You also won't be suddenly super-drunk, and feel much better the next day. But that's really just to help you at the beginning, you'll see that you'll have much more fun when you're not super drunk.

But back to the age-gap-question: I think partly yes - from what you describe he'd be worried no matter which age he is. It sounds bad. But when you're in your late 20s, you're more experienced and can see how stupid you (and other younger people) in general may act, that's why he's even more bothered. He really wants the best of you, and being black-out drunk is the opposite of that.

but I am only 19 years old and in college, don't college kids sometimes get a little too drunk?

I am going to be very blunt so brace yourself. Being "only 19 years old and in college" doesn't excuse stupidity. Getting drunk to the point of losing control is plain STUPID and yes, you ARE responsible for your actions no matter your age. You are an adult. If you were to accidentally harm someone because of being intoxicated, a judge would not rule out "Gee, she is only 19 years old and in college, let's set her free". There would be consequences. Even worse, LIFE doesn't excuse such stupidity. Luck runs out sooner or later. If you get involved in a serious accident or harm yourself or the next rapist who finds you blacked out gives you Herpes or HIV or an unwanted pregnancy, you will be paying the price for the rest of your life no ifs and buts. You need to learn to hold yourself up to higher standards and stop putting yourself in harm's way. Your boyfriend is right to be concerned regardless of age. If he is controlling in other ways, that is a whole different issue. Learning boundaries is a good thing. You can build trust by being consistent. That means cutting down on your drinking so that you never loose control again, no ifs and buts.

I'm another who grew up with a violent alcoholic parent and this has had a dramatic effect on my entire life.

We were all young and got on the lets get drunk wagon. It was fun and were did stupid stuff because of it. But we remembered mostly what we had done. Then one weekend I went crazy, blacked out two days in a row. I decided I was going to end up like my alcoholic parent and decided to quit drinking. I tea totalled for 5 years, and that was at your age. I still don't drink much, I don't like the feeling of being drunk, but I still have a lot of fun and don't do nearly as much stupuid stuff.

So, yes, live it up, you are young and carefree, get drunk, learn your limit, but face your consequences and learn from them. It might take you bf breaking up with you for you to see the truth or it might just cause you to go off the rails even more.

No-one wants a gf who gets blind drunk and puts herself in situations where she can get sexually assaulted. And I agree that your bf shouldn't hang around in fear something is going to happen to you.

Is there a history of alcoholism in your family? I echo the others in that you do need to address your drinking problem ASAP. Your school councillor, an addictions resource Center are options.

To be brutally honest, I think that's all that is important here. I think the age gap and your drinking both factor in - if you didn't have a drinking problem, you might not have overlooked the red flags of a 27 year old man who spends his time partying with 19 year olds. That he likes his drinking too and entered ( and has stayed) with a 19 year old who is obviously high risk says something not nice about him, IMO, and you might need to be willing to shed this guy to move forward. Are you prepared to do that?

Men who are drawn to vulnerable women who engage in high risk activities have issues of their own.

All you need to be focusing on is getting on a healthy path yourself, as your number one priority, and the rest will sort itself out. You are at an age where you are responsible for yourself now - consider this a wake up call. You got lucky he is a decent enough sort you haven't experienced sexual assault in this relationship.

While I do think there is some "license" for young / new users to test their boundaries of a substance, you're toeing a very dangerous line. Even the language you use, while arguably semantics, suggests you yourself are beginning to acknowledge this as a chronic problem despite being just 19. "I've always had a problem with knowing my limit."

Fact is you've pushed and exceeded your limit enough times to know what it is. You're at the point you consciously break it. That's a big problem. With most people really, but particularly with someone so young as you, it's very, very rarely about the substance itself being abused or addicted to, but whatever is driving them to self-medicate with said substance. You mention you're in college. Go to your health services office and ask how to arrange for counseling. Your tuition has already paid for it. Use it.

Yes they do. If you stop drinking 6814449]obviously drinking problems don't go away over night

Do you actually black out or are you saying black out as in (you get pretty lit)...

two different things.

Hello everyone,

I'm overwhelmed by the amount of responses and I appreciate every one for taking time to give me advice. I guess there's a few things I should add. I've always had a problem knowing my limit because I feel as if it changes. I could have 5 drinks and not even appear drunk or have 10 drinks and appear pretty drunk, but both those times I wouldn't remember most of the night. It's something weird that I've been trying to figure out, but some of the times I don't remember and have asked my friends, a lot of them have said "Oh I didn't even know you were that drunk, you seemed completely normal." There have of course been times where I've been way too drunk, but that hasn't happened in months, I've remembered everything and actually been the one to take care of my friends for months. I do realize I have a problem, though. I need to learn when to stop drinking. I think I denied that it was a problem because of the environment I was in. All my friends would black out every weekend and think it was funny. I never thought it was funny and always wanted to be better at drinking, but they normalized it. Those friends are no longer in my life because I've realized how toxic they are and that your party friends aren't your real friends. I have had a chance to talk to my boyfriend and we've decided on something that may work to help me: only drinking with him for awhile until we both feel comfortable enough to do otherwise. I don't really feel the need to drink constantly, my problem is when I do start drinking. I am completely fine only drinking around him because that's when I enjoy it most, and I have dumped most of my other friends anyway. Do you think that is a good place to start? Sorry if this post seemed scattered, and feel free to be as blunt as you need to be with me.

It's a good sign you have this insight, Mag.

"Those friends are no longer in my life because I've realized how toxic they are and that your party friends aren't your real friends.

It is a good place to start. And glad to read your BF is so supportive.

Having a social drink or two is great. But the body isn't able for the binge drinking, and liver and other problems can present in the short or long term. Not to mention the awful possibility of becoming addicted.

I would sit in on an AA or sobriety group meeting as a guest to see if your situation applies to problem drinking or if you could benefit from that environment for insight. AA for you? Twelve questions only you can answer[/url]

Read about the latest tragedy at Penn State and see where that kind of drinking can lead. You don't need to know your limit if you either don't drink or stop at the equivalent of one glass of wine or one beer, after you've eaten. I agree with attending an AA meeting.

Hello friendly people,

I feel like he expects me to know my limit because he never had a problem with it, but I am only 19 years old and in college, don't college kids sometimes get a little too drunk?

This is an excuse.

Do you know how to limit yourself with food?

I'll bet you know that having ice cream for every meal isn't a good idea and can make a choice to have healthy limits with it.

At 19 or 49 you can quickly surmise what your personal limit to alcohol would be.

Saying you don't know any better because your a certain age isn't a good excuse, especially given your experience.

've always had a problem knowing my limit because I feel as if it changes. I could have 5 drinks and not even appear drunk or have 10 drinks and appear pretty drunk, but both those times I wouldn't remember most of the night.

That is an excessive amount of alcohol. 10 drinks is an insane amount of alcohol. The ONLY thing you should be doing is NOT drinking because you can't stop yourself. You have proven you can't handle just one drink with dinner because you don't stop. You should be stopping when you think that might be your limit just before you black out. Stop going to parties that are drinking parties because you can't control yourself.

Your boyfriend is absolutely right to feel the way he does. A life with an alcoholic is not fun and he values his life, which he should. I would strongly suggest AA. You are rationalizing your drinking "my episodes aren't as severe". You cannot stop yourself at one drink, ever, so now is the time to either take this seriously or not. Find other hobbies besides drinking and your family is not helping you if they see you sloshed out of your mind and don't cut you off or get you help.

Losing your boyfriend is the least of your worries, I am afraid

I have had a chance to talk to my boyfriend and we've decided on something that may work to help me: only drinking with him for awhile until we both feel comfortable enough to do otherwise.

This is a bad compromise, because it sets your boyfriend up as a caretaker and an enabler. The compromise should be that you quit drinking on your end, and he doesn't take you to keggers - he gives up going to those parties.

Oh one more thing - if you are in the United States your boyfriend could be arrested for supplying alcohol to minors, you could have legal trouble for being a minor with a blood alcohol limit and possessing alcohol, too. Ever thing of that? Why your boyfriend doesn't have a sense about that is beyond me? You should not be drinking at all, you know?

why not stop drinking all together?

have you replaced the toxic friends with new ones, joined new communities? isolating yourself and getting drunk with your boyfriend will make matters worse.

why not attend an AA meeting if you recognize there is a problem? (and if you are unwilling to stop drinking, but bargain to drink in private, friendless- then it sounds like you are in definite need of AA meetings)

i feel like you are trying to weasel out ways to continue getting drunk. at that point, you can safely call yourself an addict.

i second everything abit said.

most of us dated older boys at your age, but his age coupled with the fact that you would rather hand him control over your own habits than learn to get them under control yourself paint a picture of regressive dependency- which is painful and effectively harmful enough on it's own long-term, so another reason to get some psychological support now while you can still work through this, put it behind you as a "wild phase" and continue with a healthy and happy life.

I started dating my partner at 21. He's 17 years older than me. We had some conflict around drinking early on. At 21 I only drank to get drunk. He was clear with me that we needed to find a way to drink together that wasn't getting wasted. Or we needed to stop drinking. I didn't blackout I just got really emotional weepy and yelly... not very fun to hang out with. I put effort into it and we still drink together 12 years later. It was a learning curve but well worth it. I think learning how to control myself with drinking then helped me skip some of the harder lessons people end up running into with poorly regulated drinking habits.

Why is it absolutely necessary to drink?

Are you one of those people who believe they need to drink in order to "have fun"?

i feel like you are trying to weasel out ways to continue getting drunk. at that point, you can safely call yourself an addict.

Whem someone you trust says "Baby, I think you may have a problem with alcohol," the best response is: "I hadn't noticed. How about I stop, at least for a while. Can't hurt."

If you have an impulse of wanting to rebel against your bf, then you don't trust yourself. Be fearless when accepting coaching from others.

I've always had a problem knowing my limit because I feel as if it changes. I could have 5 drinks and not even appear drunk or have 10 drinks and appear pretty drunk, but both those times I wouldn't remember most of the night. It's something weird that I've been trying to figure out, but some of the times I don't remember and have asked my friends, a lot of them have said "Oh I didn't even know you were that drunk, you seemed completely normal."

Your limit doesn't change, though you may feel less drunk if you are drinking regularly. If you drink regularly, you may become desensitized to the feeling of drunkenness. This is dangerous because you are may think you're ok to drive, etc., when you are actually impaired.

Another thing to consider is that all drinks aren't created equal. Wine can range from 8% to 15% alcohol, which makes a big difference. Beer has a range, too, though generally lower. Hard alcohol can be 40% - 50% alcohol. Then you have mixed drinks, which vary by bartender and pour. So consider that when you are drinking.

When I was 19, getting wasted was awesome. When I was 27, my friends who got still drunk like that were REALLY FREAKING ANNOYING. I had to start avoiding certain people because I couldn't trust them not to get stupid drunk and ruin my night.

Here's an idea! You and your boyfriend make pact to put alcohol out off your lives altogether. It would be beneficial to both of you to do that. There is absolutely not one thing that is healthy about putting putting alcohol into your body, and on the contrary, does much to contribute to the downfall of your health and that of your boyfriend.

You are at a turning point in your life, young lady. Make the right choice. Instead, concentrate on putting healthy things in your body. For goodness sake....this is not rocket science. chi

Your limit doesn't change, though you may feel less drunk if you are drinking regularly. If you drink regularly, you may become desensitized to the feeling of drunkenness. This is dangerous because you are may think you're ok to drive, etc., when you are actually impaired.

 

Another thing to consider is that all drinks aren't created equal. Wine can range from 8% to 15% alcohol, which makes a big difference. Beer has a range, too, though generally lower. Hard alcohol can be 40% - 50% alcohol. Then you have mixed drinks, which vary by bartender and pour. So consider that when you are drinking.

 

When I was 19, getting wasted was awesome. When I was 27, my friends who got still drunk like that were REALLY FREAKING ANNOYING. I had to start avoiding certain people because I couldn't trust them not to get stupid drunk and ruin my night.

The body DOES metabolize alcohol differently at different times, especially for women, which can lead to differences in how we feel when we drink. HOWEVER, if drinking is important enough to warrant this much discussion, then you need to drink less.

Like others have said, for many, drinking to excess of the weekends is very much BTDT. I have friends who still drink too much at certain events. They plan it, their husbands back them up, its intentional. On those nights, I remain sober same as other nights. Its just not that interesting to me to lose clarity.

Knowing you have trouble knowing your limit is an opportunity for you to stay beneath your limit, always. That way, its not an issue.