They won’t forgive me but there is really no way I could make things right again

Hi, I lurk here a lot but have finally decided to post as I’m having issues right now with my siblings but I’m not ready yet to share my past with anyone I know personally.

The problem is that my 3 siblings won’t forgive me for our past even tho I’m trying my best to make up for it. The issue for them seems to be that there is really nothing I could do to make up for what I did to them. And I guess their position is that I don’t deserve to be forgiven, even if I’m really sorry for what I did, because I can’t completely fix things now.

I have tried to be sympathetic and I can definitely understand where they are coming from. If I was in their shoes I could definitely see how it could be hard to forgive me unless I could make things right again. But I can’t, and I’ve done everything I reasonably can to help them recover and get their lives back on track, and yet they still hate me for our past and keep demanding that I do more and more and more for them.

This issue is really tearing me apart right now. On the one hand, I can’t shake the guilty feelings I have because I can sympathize with them and love them, but on the other hand I’m getting exasperated with all of their demands and am considering just giving up trying to earn their forgiveness. I’m torn between continuing to try to reach out to them and just forgetting about it, knowing that I did all I could to help them out. My conscience would be clear because I know I’ve done what I can. But I know I’ll still have some of these guilty feelings lingering for years if they keep hating me.

So I guess my dilemma comes down to feeling guilty about not feeling guilty. I mean, if I’ve done everything I can to make things right, but they still won’t forgive me, is it proper for me to try and just “let it go” and move on, the best I can? Because I am now so exasperated that I’m considering doing just that, even tho it’s very important to me to have a positive relationship with them.

Any advice ? I feel really discouraged right now...

What did you do to them?

yes, it is proper to let go and stop feeling guilty for no longer feeling guilty. you tried. you empathized. you took responsibility.

i am concerned with their increasing demands. perhaps without knowing what the problem was, i lack the context to offer sound opinion. but usually when people hold something against you like that forever despite you jumping hoops to fix things, it turns out what you did may not even have been that criminal, but rather that they extort you with it.

again, i could be off base completely. but i don't think forgiveness is earned by enslaving yourself to someone's increasing demands forever. you are either forgiven, or you are not. seems in your case, not only are you not forgiven, you are being dragged down into dysfunction, which is a shame given your efforts to get yourself to a better place and live with integrity.

stop trying. if you have any lingering guilt to deal with, talk here, or a to a counselor.

what are their demands if i may ask? have you felt...extorted? or that the demands were unreasonable, unfair, were they asking something of you you'd never ask a person?

btw, you are only 23...how old are your siblings?

if they are very young, perhaps they are handling this poorly not because they intend to extort or guilt you, but simply lack the maturity to handle this better.

any trustworthy parents/relatives you are on good terms with?

if one day they want to make things right, you could agree to take counseling together. if not, you know you tried.

i can't imagine what horrible things a young person could have done to deserve such animosity. regardless, they have the choice to move past the resentment, or to distance themselves. to stay in touch and keep blaming you is unfair.

I have a sibling I will not interact with because of their choices. I won't forgive her. But I just minimize my interactions as much as possible. It sounds like they attack you for what you have done and won't let it go. If you do their song and dance they still won't forgive you. They are just being malicious. Hard to say much without knowing the transgression. I wouldn't keep doing crap to appease them. If you would like to elaborate a bit we could in our responses as well.

Hopefully one day they will realize forgiveness is just as much about them as it is about you .

Can you forgive yourself? Can your forgive them? That's your territory; their forgiveness is theirs. Focus on forgiving yourself (thus, no guilt) and forgiving them (and thus allowing them to be where they are in whatever process they are experiencing).

To give more context, what exactly did you do to them to bring it to the point where they can't forgive you?

Basically, what happened is that my younger brother and sister were abused by our parents, and my older brother and I were the favorites. Our parents trained us to treat them harshly and put us in charge of them, and we used to be really mean to them. But I think their continued animosity and demands center around this one incident in which I accidently permanently scarred them really bad, and the fact that I ended up controlling all of our parents’ estate after they went to prison. But the truth is that I was the one that ended up saving them by snitching on our parents, and had I not done that who knows what ultimately would have happened to them.

In the case of my older brother, I snitched on him for having sex with me, and he ended up getting 10 years for it. And in his twisted mind I did HIM wrong because I told on him.

All of them are making ridiculous financial demands of me. My younger siblings are demanding that I let them live here for free, pay for their college in full, and they also want me to pay for plastic surgery for both of them, even though the results would be highly questionable. My older brother is demanding that I try to help him get his conviction overturned, at great expense to myself as well as putting myself in legal jeopardy.

For the record, I’ve already helped them all out financially to quite an extent.

All pretty shocking stuff, I couldn't imagine being around and living with the people I would have had that shared history with. I find it that almost as bizarre as the things that happened. Forgiveness is an emotional thing, not something you do rationally. I don't really see how it is something you can earn. It is something you extend as a gut reaction though having the capacity to looking at the bigger picture and being able to look at the full context in which things happened. It isn't something you can buy or earn through good deeds, being or saying sorry isn't how you get there, at least I don't think so.

If you actually physically scarred your younger siblings then plastic surgery would be the minimal thing to even think about getting to a place of forgiveness. If they sued you for it, I am guessing, they could force you to pay for it and more.

Where to even begin with your older brother? I don't have the details I guess, but is forgiveness what you want from him? Why?

You were helping out with your parents estate? That generally means you are keeping it in trust for your siblings, not that it belongs to you. Again I don't have all the details, but it does seem another area of complication.

All pretty shocking stuff, I couldn't imagine being around and living with the people I would have had that shared history with. I find it that almost as bizarre as the things that happened. Forgiveness is an emotional thing, not something you do rationally. I don't really see how it is something you can earn. It is something you extend as a gut reaction though having the capacity to looking at the bigger picture and being able to look at the full context in which things happened. It isn't something you can buy or earn through good deeds, being or saying sorry isn't how you get there, at least I don't think so.

 

If you actually physically scarred your younger siblings then plastic surgery would be the minimal thing to even think about getting to a place of forgiveness. If they sued you for it, I am guessing, they could force you to pay for it and more.

 

Where to even begin with your older brother? I don't have the details I guess, but is forgiveness what you want from him? Why?

 

You were helping out with your parents estate? That generally means you are keeping it in trust for your siblings, not that it belongs to you. Again I don't have all the details, but it does seem another area of complication.

Well, the reason they are living with me is because I'm giving them a place to stay, and trying to help them get back on their feet. This includes letting them owe me for any rent until they get jobs. When I first looked up my younger siblings, they were doing very poorly. My brother was basically on the streets and my sister was living in a shelter. I took them in and am even trying to help them continue with their educations (neither even has a GED). I know I can't "buy" their forgiveness, but they know I'm very remorseful over what happened and I'm doing all I can to show them I care about them.

As far as getting them plastic surgery is concerned, as I said, I've looked into it and the results would not impressive. At best, they would look slightly better, but they would still have obvious and pervasive scar tissue all over. It really would not be a wise thing to do, especially considering that the total cost for EACH of them would be six figures. I want to undo the damage I caused but there's really nothing that can be done other than what they currently do - keep themselves covered up when in public.

As far as my older brother, I guess I want his forgiveness because, well, he's my BROTHER. But he has already made it clear that he won't do that unless I help him get out of prison and compensate him to the tune of over a million dollars, and there's really no way I could do that. It's not just because of the money but the fact that I could get in trouble myself if I do what he wants me to do to help him get his conviction overturned.

My parents estate is actually mine now. I obtained a large judgement against them after they were convicted, so I'm not keeping anything in trust for my siblings. They just feel that 1/4 of everything should each be theirs because it is their "right" as their children, but our parents actually only put my older brother and I in the will, so they really don't have any right to anything at all. I'm just offering them financial help because I think it's the right thing to do.

I just think it's a shame that we will never be able to all get along and be a true family because of their refusal to just let things go, accept what help I CAN offer, and just move on.

I just think it's a shame that we will never be able to all get along and be a true family because of their refusal to just let things go, accept what help I CAN offer, and just move on.

I don't even know where to begin to even respond to that and that doesn't happen very often. I wonder if someone else could try......... sorry.

Well, the reason they are living with me is because I'm giving them a place to stay, and trying to help them get back on their feet. This includes letting them owe me for any rent until they get jobs. When I first looked up my younger siblings, they were doing very poorly. My brother was basically on the streets and my sister was living in a shelter. I took them in and am even trying to help them continue with their educations (neither even has a GED). I know I can't "buy" their forgiveness, but they know I'm very remorseful over what happened and I'm doing all I can to show them I care about them.

 

As far as getting them plastic surgery is concerned, as I said, I've looked into it and the results would not impressive. At best, they would look slightly better, but they would still have obvious and pervasive scar tissue all over. It really would not be a wise thing to do, especially considering that the total cost for EACH of them would be six figures. I want to undo the damage I caused but there's really nothing that can be done other than what they currently do - keep themselves covered up when in public.

 

As far as my older brother, I guess I want his forgiveness because, well, he's my BROTHER. But he has already made it clear that he won't do that unless I help him get out of prison and compensate him to the tune of over a million dollars, and there's really no way I could do that. It's not just because of the money but the fact that I could get in trouble myself if I do what he wants me to do to help him get his conviction overturned.

 

My parents estate is actually mine now. I obtained a large judgement against them after they were convicted, so I'm not keeping anything in trust for my siblings. They just feel that 1/4 of everything should each be theirs because it is their "right" as their children, but our parents actually only put my older brother and I in the will, so they really don't have any right to anything at all. I'm just offering them financial help because I think it's the right thing to do.

 

I just think it's a shame that we will never be able to all get along and be a true family because of their refusal to just let things go, accept what help I CAN offer, and just move on.

Just wow, I am stunned.

you ACCIDENTALLY scarred them, as opposed to threw acid in their faces on purpose?

i can imagine living with disfigurement must be horrible but they would really be getting more out of therapy for their emotional and physical scars, then to guilt you and increase their demands.

you should not give in to your older brother's extortion.

since this was a huge family drama i guess social services were involved? what was your experience with them? perhaps you should seek their counsel. they will have ideas. from the top of my head, what comes to mind is asking for temporary legal guardianship geared at protecting client's assets, so nobody can pressure you to spend outrageous sums on irrational demands. i'm sure they will suggest more options of what you could do. it sounds like with the shattered dream of finally being a family you would benefit from services that understand family difficulties well.

i am so sorry you've been through all this.

all of you have been abused and programmed to relate to one another destructively. you are no more responsible for what happened than them, you were a victim of the same abuse. they need proffessionals, and you too need all the help you can get.

I honestly don't know what to make of this story anymore as it leaves one absolutely stunned and speechless. I have never seen/heard so much disturbing, toxic dysfunction in ages. It is truly disturbing to say the least, and dare I say, I can totally understand why they will not forgive.

I can only advise that you OP, and each and every single family member goes for intensive professional counselling/therapy to help them overcome these enormous issues.

Forgiveness doesn't have a price tag attached. We can't say, "If you xyz, then I'll forgive you." That's extortion, not forgiveness.

At the same time, true remorse does show itself through actions as well as words. Very rarely do we get the opportunity to right a wrong, as in "I stole this necklace, and now I will return it." It's not usually one for one, or that simple. Instead, we show true remorse by never repeating our hurtful behavior, and by owning the consequences of our choices...as you have done by trying to offer a better life for your siblings.

To sort through this complicated situation, I believe you'll need to walk in their shoes for a while, and find what seems fair to you. A therapist might be a good idea to help with this.

I'm hearing a lot of, "I'd pay for their surgery, but it's over 6 figures. It would be risky for me financially." I'm also hearing, "Our severely abusive parents didn't leave the estate to them, so they have no right to it." To me, your siblings are acting as though you can buy forgiveness, and you are thinking the price tag is too much. Ask yourself, is money at the root of forgiveness?

I think you all need to step away from that line of thinking. It's not about money. It's about our hearts and minds. It's about regaining our self respect, and being able to look ourselves in the eye every day, knowing we're doing our best...and this is true whether those we've hurt forgive us or not. I know a thing or two about hurting those I love most. I wish to God I didn't.

I'm not clear on why helping your brother out of prison would put you in jeopardy, unless you must lie or change your testimony to do that. I wouldn't settle for less than the truth...meaning if he committed a crime, then he must serve his time. If you committed a crime by putting him in prison, then you must serve yours, too. It's the only way to a clean and honest future.

I wish you all the very best. It's a heartbreaking situation.

also, i don't think you guys should be settling this by yourselves. emotional reasoning is incredibly high on all sides, understandably since the entire ordeal caused you all intense affect.

can you ask for family mediation? someone who isn't making decisions based on trauma can help you all look past yours when making practical decisions, and intense therapy would be a must to heal your emotional problems.

mobilize people with professional training- this situation is and has always been larger than any of you. it's simply too much.

Thank you for all of your replies. They've really helped me to see things more objectively. But, for the record, both of my younger siblings are indeed in therapy right now. Perhaps what they are being told there is counterproductive? I myself am not sure at the moment, but I definitely will be looking into this.

you ACCIDENTALLY scarred them, as opposed to threw acid in their faces on purpose?

 

i can imagine living with disfigurement must be horrible but they would really be getting more out of therapy for their emotional and physical scars, then to guilt you and increase their demands.

 

you should not give in to your older brother's extortion.

 

since this was a huge family drama i guess social services were involved? what was your experience with them? perhaps you should seek their counsel. they will have ideas. from the top of my head, what comes to mind is asking for temporary legal guardianship geared at protecting client's assets, so nobody can pressure you to spend outrageous sums on irrational demands. i'm sure they will suggest more options of what you could do. it sounds like with the shattered dream of finally being a family you would benefit from services that understand family difficulties well.

 

i am so sorry you've been through all this.

 

all of you have been abused and programmed to relate to one another destructively. you are no more responsible for what happened than them, you were a victim of the same abuse. they need proffessionals, and you too need all the help you can get.

Yes, I agree with everything you've said, Rainy. Thank you. No, I will not let my older brother extort me, and yes, you are right - My older brother and I were just as much victims of our circumstances as they were. We were encouraged, really almost forced, to severely discipline our younger half-siblings through a subtle system of rewards and punishments. Both of us look back on what we did to them and can't believe it. But there's really no way for either of us to change the past.

As far as social services were concerned, yes, I dealt with them for a long time after I reported what was going on. But the truth is that they are very limited in what funds they have to work with, and they are also greatly restrained by various legal concerns. They were very difficult to work with, slow to respond, very limited in what they could do, and after my experience with them I would not feel comfortable going back to them for any help.

Also, the scarring was accidental, yes. I intentionally sprayed both of them (especially my sister) but my brother and I had no idea just how powerful and harsh the caustic acid was. We thought it would just cause them pain, but the stuff was actually used to clean out toxic waste from 55 gallon drums and was therefore extremely potent. It literally ate their skin away and they could have even died without medical treatment. And from talking with various plastic surgeons (including my own) it's clear that no surgery would help much. But they insist that I must pay for it if that is what they want, because I "owe" them this. And, as I said, they also feel that I "owe" them their "rightful" share of their "inheritance", as well as paying for all of their education out of pocket, grad school and all

If they had sprayed you with acid, and disfigured you for life, not to mention the emotional scarring....what would they owe you?

It's not like you sprayed them with a garden hose, believing it was just water. That would be an accident, completely unexpected. You purposely sprayed them with acid, knowing it would cause pain at the minimum. You won't be free until you own this.

As for the inheritance, you are denying their claim based on your parents' wishes...and yet your parents had severe problems. Are their wishes for the best?

Because of your actions, your siblings lives are far more difficult in every way. You really need to think about that.

I'm not judging you. But if you're truly sorry, you need to actively demonstrate your remorse. Part of that is making sure that any damage you did is corrected as much as possible.

I intentionally sprayed both of them (especially my sister) but my brother and I had no idea just how powerful and harsh the caustic acid was. We thought it would just cause them pain, but the stuff was actually used to clean out toxic waste from 55 gallon drums and was therefore extremely potent. It literally ate their skin away and they could have even died without medical treatment. And from talking with various plastic surgeons (including my own) it's clear that no surgery would help much. But they insist that I must pay for it if that is what they want, because I "owe" them this. And, as I said, they also feel that I "owe" them their "rightful" share of their "inheritance", as well as paying for all of their education out of pocket, grad school and all

This is absolutely horrendous and shocking to read. I have to say, I totally agree with them that you should, at the very least, pay for ALL their medical expenses, including their counselling/therapy costs. I am shocked that you seem so taken aback by this, and even fairly reluctant. As "Hell_On_Heels" said: ..."if you're truly sorry, you need to actively demonstrate your remorse. Part of that is making sure that any damage you did is corrected as much as possible."

 

and: ......."Because of your actions, your siblings lives are far more difficult in every way. You really need to think about that." .... and because of that, sharing some of the inheritance is the right thing to do, imo.

I hear what you all are saying, and I appreciate the input, but I don’t think I provided enough info for you guys to really understand the situation.

Their initial medical treatment, as well as their current therapy sessions, is paid for by Medicaid. What they want me to pay for is plastic surgery, and I honestly considered it, but after looking into it thoroughly I’m convinced that the results would not be satisfactory. My own plastic surgeon is the best around, and he assured me that the end result would not be much better than it is now. They don’t even have enough unafffected skin (especially my sister) for proper grafting procedures. And yes, it was an accident. When I disciplined them, I had no idea that it would be permanent. Not to mention I was only 16 at the time and was completely brainwashd by my parents, so I was pretty naïve of the gravity of what was going on. Remember, our parents taught me and my older brother that they were “evil” and “bad”, so at the time we didn’t even feel that what we were doing was wrong. We were giving them what we honestly believed they deserved. We were just as much victims as they (minus the physical abuse). After beating my sister for hours my mom would even praise me for what I did and even gave me rewards for teaching her a “good lesson”.

Also, as far as me giving them their “fair share” of our parents’ money is concerned, you have to understand that my parents were very wealthy. A ¼ of their estate would literally be millions of dollars. I really don’t feel comfortable parting with that kind of money when I’m certain that our parents wouldn’t want that. No, they were not good people (at all), but it was their money, and I think they have (or had) a right to disburse it as they wished. Not to mention that I got all their money via a legimate and lawful lawsuit I filed against them. A jury decided that that amount was fair for all the hell they put me through, and while my younger siblings also got large judgements against their estate, it’s not really my fault that by then there was nothing left for them to collect. It’s really our parents who owe them for what they did, not me. It’s not my fault that now they are in prison and can’t make things right again. And remember, I am helping them financially quite a bit. I charge them substandard rent for living here, and have co-signed on some loans for them (student and auto loans). So I do think that I’ve been fair with them and have done what I can to make things right. I deeply care for them and am very sorry for all they’ve been through, but I’m not spending over $100,000 on surgery that will have virtually no serious results, nor do I feel comfortable giving up ½ of all I have as some kind of “payback” for my part in their abuse. I was completely brainwashed then and had no idea what I was really doing.

What they want me to pay for is plastic surgery, and I honestly considered it, but after looking into it thoroughly I’m convinced that the results would not be satisfactory. They don’t even have enough unafffected skin (especially my sister) for proper grafting procedures.

 

Also, as far as me giving them their “fair share” of our parents’ money is concerned, you have to understand that my parents were very wealthy. A ¼ of their estate would literally be millions of dollars. I really don’t feel comfortable parting with that kind of money ...it’s not really my fault that by then there was nothing left for them to collect. but I’m not spending over $100,000 on surgery that will have virtually no serious results, nor do I feel comfortable giving up ½ of all I have as some kind of “payback” for my part in their abuse..

OP, the more you post, the more shocked I get. This just gets more and more disturbing and horrifying. The more you say, the more shocking it gets.

First of all, not spending the money on their plastic surgery just because YOU believe it would give good results is ridiculous (sorry). The least you can do is take them to several different plastic surgeons for their opinions. Let the professional, experienced specialists decide what can be done.

Also, the fact that you mention "millions of dollars" and yet you can't, won't, and refuse to pay for their surgery is beyond mind blowingly selfish at it's lowest level. One would think you would want to help them because you care for their well being, You would WANT to help them from the goodness of your heart and nothing more. After all, it WAS YOU who scarred them for life and now that you have all this money (million) and you refuse to help them them .... I just cannot comprehend this level of selfishness. Well, it leaves one absolutely at a loss for words.

i think that you will all end up resenting one another more for the issue you are not settling today, than for what happened when you were kids.

i would hire a mediator and sit down with all my siblings to find a solution that works for everyone. i would do as the mediator suggests.

You said you think your parents have the right to distribute their wealth as they see fit.

You said you sued your parents for their money.

You said your parents wanted your siblings to be tortured and hurt.

You said you won't help your siblings much financially because your parents wouldn't want that.

You are continuing the cycle of violence against them, and keep pointing to your parents as the blame for it all.

You want forgiveness for your role, yet you refuse responsibility for your actions.

Maybe you truly did the best you could at age 16. The question is, are you doing your best today? I don't think your siblings are looking for handouts. I think they are looking for justice, the righting of wrongs done to them.

Capricorn, tbh, I feel like I’m being “judged” here. I DO want to help them, and I did consult with their own, and other, plastic surgeons, both in this area as well as a few in other states, and honestly no kind of surgery would really change their appearance for the better in any significant way. Too large a percentage of their total skin area has been destroyed for any meaningful grafting to be done.

I also did not fully explain the general scenario fully. While my older brother and I did abuse them terribly, at least SOME of it was their own fault. They were incredibly disobedient and they often openly defied us. And while I can certainly understand why they’d be like that considering how they were treated, you have to understand that our parents put us in charge of them and held us accountable for their behavior. We were just kids ourselves and as such we knew of no other way to get them under control. After all, our parents did the same thing so we thought what we were doing was “right”. And before the burning incident my sister was making fun of my body and openly flirting with a guy I liked. She was competing with me for this boy’s attention and at a certain point I got really mad and desperate and decided to teach her a lesson. It was a terrible thing I did but had my sister not been behaving the way she was the whole thing probably never would have happened in the first place.

So considering all of this, particularly that the results would NOT be impressive, I’m not really sure it would be appropriate to spend over $100,000 on any plastic surgery for them. And nor would I feel comfortable or consider it appropriate to "pay them off" by giving them 1/2 of everything I have. Sorry.

I just think we all need to accept the fact that the past cannot be changed, and concentrate on what CAN be changed, and work on being a normal family for once in our lives. Is that really too much too ask?