10 year old's behavior has taken a nosedive.

Edit: Sorry about the length..I hope you can get through it..I just needed to write

I've written about my 10 year old and her disrespectful, rude and mean behavior before ( ).

After hearing the good advice from that thread, I've started taking her out and spending time with just her on Fridays when she's over for the weekend. I've also let her know how, on the few occasions when she's been nice to her sister, how much I appreciate that.

I haven't seen any real change. When it's just her and I, she's great. When we get home and it's her and I with her sister and my wife, it's a different story.

Lately it's been getting worse. This weekend, so far, we had a good day in the early afternoon on Friday. Then she started being mean/rude to her sister. When I tried letting her know how she was rude, she suggested that I just "let them work it out how they do it". I told her that being rude isn't any way to talk out your problems and that she wasn't allowed to treat her sister like that. Of course, she argued with me and was rude.

Today was mostly awful. She asked to take a shower (to which I replied, "You don't need to ask me to take a shower, unless you've already taken one today.") and then spent almost an hour and a half in the bathroom, an hour of which was in the shower and the other half an hour doing who knows what. When I asked her to get out so that other people could use the bathroom, it took her a few more minutes (I had to ask her a final time). Then, she got her clothes and started to go back into the bathroom. I told her she needed to change in her room (in case the other thread was too much to read, she lost her door a few weeks ago in my, as yet ineffective, attempt to combat the disrespect). She completely refused, saying that she didn't feel comfortable doing that (even though she had previously changed in her closet and had no history of problems changing with her curtains open).

My wife, who has some pretty bad anxiety, had had enough of the defiance and disrespect and grabbed her clothes out of her hand and tossed them in her room, then told her to change in there (she was definitely yelling [almost screaming] at this point). When my daughter wouldn't budge so my wife reached out to move her and my daughter stepped back, causing my wife to snag her towel, instead. The towel came off and all hell broke loose. No one hit anyone, but my daughter says she doesn't feel safe and thinks that everyone hates her.

I tried to have a discussion with her about her step-mom's anxiety and what that's like (very little tolerance for BS) in an effort to help her understand that my wife wasn't really able to regulate what she was doing (it was, more-or-less, an anxiety induced meltdown). I tried to get her to understand that there are very few times in life that you'll be able to refuse to do something you don't agree with, without having a consequence, and that she needed to do what she is asked/told to do. I also told her that, if she wanted to change in the bathroom, after taking a shower, she needed to take the shower, dry off, and get dressed in a timely fashion.

After this (hopefully effective) conversation, she asked if she could call her mom. Currently, she's grounded from using the phone. In addition to that, the last thing my daughter needs to hear (or I need to overhear) is her mom giving her the "oh, my poor baby, I wish they wouldn't treat you so horribly" treatment. I said, "No, you can tell her about it tomorrow."

Later in the evening she came out of her room demanding to know where her phone was (she keeps bringing her phone from her moms house, thinking I'm not going to confiscate it). I told her that I wasn't going to tell her and she kept demanding. Then, I told her that she needed to either finish her dinner, or go to another room. She refused to move. I asked her if I needed to pick her up and carry her out of the room. She said, "You wouldn't dare." So I did, and she made a huge scene of it and ran off to her room and hid in her closet (which, at least, gave me some peace for a little bit).

Later, I couldn't find my phone where I knew I had left it. Suspecting that my daughter had snagged it so she could try to call her mom, I set one of our iPads up, recording video, pointed right at where I left my phone. After she knew I was looking for the phone, the video shows her sneaking around, making sure that I couldn't see, while she pulls my phone out of a hiding place (where I probably wouldn't have found it for weeks). When I confronted her with the video, she said she didn't think it was fair that I wouldn't let her call her mom, but that I could still use my phone. I turned off her light and walked out of her room without saying a word.

I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. She'd rather change in the bathroom for the next 8 years than be respectful and nice and get her door back. It was the first time I've had to physically move her in years, but I'm pretty sure it isn't going to be the last. Fortunately, when I have to do it, I don't have to worry about her going right back to the spot where she was, because she gets offended and runs off to her room.

Does anyone have any advice?

Thank you

Ok, now I am getting a better picture of all this. You have remarried and have a daughter between you and your current wife. Please correct me if I am wrong. Assuming that I am right, this is what I think about this entire situation. I think it is too much for your troublesome daughter to take in. Divorce is a real blow to children, and now she is expected to assimilate a new step mom and new daughter into the mix. You seriously need professional help with this. My feeling is that a professional would advise you to step back and not try to bring the troublesome daughter into the new family mix just yet. It is clearly not working. Too much too soon. So step back and do the one on one with the troublesome daughter for now and get professional help on how to proceed. I would even print your threads to cut to the core of the issue so that you could just hand it to the family therapist. This daughter is mixed up, confused and seeking attention and even negative attention is better than no attention.

There is just too much going on in your family dynamics for a quick fix on these threads, unfortunately. chi

Just curious, why wouldn't you let her call her mother?

I read your other thread and realize you're in a very tricky situation with how the custody situation is....and honestly I don't know much about that so can't really help much.

All I can say is this is extreme. Her behaviour, your punishments and just the whole situation. I think you need to try to work with your ex and meet with a family counsellor or set her up with a therapist to help work through this. Consistency is key. You, you're wife and your ex need to be on the same team and work together to support her and set clear guidelines for how to deal with behaviour issues....and seems like there's probably more going on in your daughter's world than you can help with.

Ok, now I am getting a better picture of all this. You have remarried and have a daughter between you and your current wife. Please correct me if I am wrong. Assuming that I am right, this is what I think about this entire situation. I think it is too much for your troublesome daughter to take in. Divorce is a real blow to children, and now she is expected to assimilate a new step mom and new daughter into the mix. You seriously need professional help with this. My feeling is that a professional would advise you to step back and not try to bring the troublesome daughter into the new family mix just yet. It is clearly not working. Too much too soon. So step back and do the one on one with the troublesome daughter for now and get professional help on how to proceed. I would even print your threads to cut to the core of the issue so that you could just hand it to the family therapist. This daughter is mixed up, confused and seeking attention and even negative attention is better than no attention.

 

There is just too much going on in your family dynamics for a quick fix on these threads, unfortunately. chi

Her mom and I have been divorced for 8 1/2 years and I've been with my wife for 7 years and her sister is 6 years old. There's nothing new about this. Her mother is doing this.

After this (hopefully effective) conversation, she asked if she could call her mom. Currently, she's grounded from using the phone. In addition to that, the last thing my daughter needs to hear (or I need to overhear) is her mom giving her the "oh, my poor baby, I wish they wouldn't treat you so horribly" treatment. I said, "No, you can tell her about it tomorrow."

Just curious, why wouldn't you let her call her mother?

 

I read your other thread and realize you're in a very tricky situation with how the custody situation is....and honestly I don't know much about that so can't really help much.

 

All I can say is this is extreme. Her behaviour, your punishments and just the whole situation. I think you need to try to work with your ex and meet with a family counsellor or set her up with a therapist to help work through this. Consistency is key. You, you're wife and your ex need to be on the same team and work together to support her and set clear guidelines for how to deal with behaviour issues....and seems like there's probably more going on in your daughter's world than you can help with.

I didn't allow her to call her mom because she is grounded from the phone. Secondarily, because all she was going to do is tell her mom all about the "horrible things we're doing to her", to which her mom will baby her and reinforce her self-centric victim mentality.

Once, we ran into her mom at Walmart. Her mom asked her (with no provocation), "What have they done to you, this weekend?"

There can be no consistency. I've tried effectively coparenting and her mom has none of it. I had to take her to court to get her to tell me who our daughter's pediatrician was, once. She has unfettered access to YouTube (and the rest of the internet, I assume), despite me having let her mom know that she has been watching inappropriate channels (JackSepticEye, among others....look him up. Definitely not appropriate for children).

I could go on, but you probably get the picture.

Her mom and I have been divorced for 8 1/2 years and I've been with my wife for 7 years and her sister is 6 years old. There's nothing new about this. Her mother is doing this.

However, whether it is a new situation or not....the troublesome daughter has been behaving as you have described from the beginning; is that correct?

Have YOU sought counselling for how your daughter's acting and how it's affecting you?

You've been posting threads about her dating back to 2012....and the whole situation sounds like a huge mess. Have you gone to court to try to get custody? Or to at least get some sort of power to help her see a counsellor or doctor or someone? What other steps are you taking to help your daughter?

Also she's a kid. She probably does really believe you are treating her poorly (NOT that you are, but hey kids are not realistic....I'm 100% sure I had total breakouts over absolutely nothing when I was younger but to me it seemed like the whole world). You're painting her to be very very manipulative and demonstrating complex thinking with her behaviour/reinforcements/"goals"....but she's just a kid.

However, whether it is a new situation or not....the troublesome daughter has been behaving as you have described from the beginning; is that correct?

Nope. It's really been just in the last 3-4 years or so.

Have YOU sought counselling for how your daughter's acting and how it's affecting you?

 

You've been posting threads about her dating back to 2012....and the whole situation sounds like a huge mess. Have you gone to court to try to get custody? Or to at least get some sort of power to help her see a counsellor or doctor or someone? What other steps are you taking to help your daughter?

 

Also she's a kid. She probably does really believe you are treating her poorly (NOT that you are, but hey kids are not realistic....I'm 100% sure I had total breakouts over absolutely nothing when I was younger but to me it seemed like the whole world). You're painting her to be very very manipulative and demonstrating complex thinking with her behaviour/reinforcements/"goals"....but she's just a kid.

No..no..her mother is being manipulative and displaying complex thinking.

There's virtually no way I'll get custody, at this point. Her mother would have to be a druggie who's actively abusing her. Unfortunately, Oregon doesn't have the most "supportive of father's who actually care about their kids" statutes.

Nope. It's really been just in the last 3-4 years or so.

Ok, that is very interesting!! What significant thing occurred in the last 3-4 years or so.

A therapist once told my psych class, Always ask, why now?;-) chi

Unfortunately you are on a power struggle with your daughter. Not to excuse any of her behavior at all, but you will not win at this.

You do need family counseling for all of you. Please check with your lawyer to see if your ex can interfere with your family counseling. If you are not legally allowed to take her then I urge you to go with your wife.

This is a crucial thing for you to do. Your daughter's well being depends on you getting professional help for your family.

Much of the time when a child acts out, counseling and guiding the parent (s) can vastly improve the situation. Our family did counseling together, but the most help came from my ex and I learning new ways to handle differ g behavior situations, which then shaped how our children behaved.

There is an author that used to be in Portland or Vancouver that wrote an amazing parenting book, and sometimes parenting classes are held. The name of the book is "Taking Charge" by Joanne Nordling.

My ex and I went through the class, and it made a huge difference in our parenting. Huge!

Continue to love your daughter. She needs to be assured that you love her no matter what. But continue to set limits and boundaries.

A few things: give your daughter her door back. No consequence should last that long. It is obviously not effective anyhow, and your daughter's need for privacy is important to respect. She should not have to hide or dress in the closet. Tell her that you have realized that she needs that privacy so you will be returning the door. It is okay to admit that you have rethought how to handle things- you are human.

Your wife should not be involved in disciplining your daughter. This is your job, and typically step parents need to step back on that as much as possible.

Consequences should be tied to the infraction. If she is late to school, then she goes to bed that many minutes earlier that night and gets up that many minutes earlier the next day.

The most important take away from that book is that you really need to convey your unconditional love to your daughters. And it is important for you to catch them being good as much as possible. The parenting book also said to give your child attention when they are engaged in neutral behavior so that they don't feel that they have to earn your love.

This book and class made a huge difference in our lives. My son (the troubled one) is now 22. He is loving and a good son now, although he does have some depression issues that are likely from a chemical imbalance.

Please get some family counseling - maybe with that great counselor that you liked before.

Ok, that is very interesting!! What significant thing occurred in the last 3-4 years or so.

 

A therapist once told my psych class, Always ask, why now?;-) chi

The manipulation by her mother has been slow (started shortly after we separated). It used to show in ways that seemed to make my daughter sad. Now it's showing in ways that make me think that she doesn't view us as family.

Here's an excerpt from a document I've been keeping (names changed for common sense):

Sat 04/16/2011

Daughter says, "I have to tell the judge that I want to stay at mommy's house forever."

Sat 09/17/2011

Daughter says, "I'm going to go live with Grandma forever, where it doesn't rain." It was raining and Daughter was holding her pant legs up so they wouldn't get wet.

Shortly thereafter, was repeatedly asking Stepmom what would happen if she never came back / lived with Mommy forever.

Fri 01/20/2012

Daughter says, "I have to tell the judge."

Stepmom says, "Well, what do you have to tell the judge?"

Daughter says, "I have to tell the judge I want to stay with mommy forever."

Daughter says, "Mommy said she has to bring me over here, or she'll get in trouble." After further clarification, Daughter notes that her mother will go to jail if she doesn't bring her over.

Mom to Daughter at drop-off, "Now, try and have fun. I want you to try and have fun today."

Sat 05/26/2012

Daughter was playing with a toy penguin and states "Give me the [f-word] ball!" to the toy. This is one of several incidents, so far, where she has been caught swearing. She has previously

called our fish "little [b-word]" and told a child at the babysitters that she would "beat his [swear for donkey]". When asked about the "beat your [swear for donkey]" comment, she stated, "That's what my Mommy says to me."

Tue 05/29/2012

Daughter tells a story about how when she was born, it was just her and Mommy and that all she's ever known is her Mommy's love. She had previously been convinced that I was not there when she

was born and that Stepdad was there instead.

Fri 06/01/2012

Daughter, for no reason, says to me, "I'll kill you." in the car on the way to McDonalds.

Daughter explains her discipline at her mother's house. It includes spankings, "boots", jumping jacks, and running in place. Boots is described as holding boots out in place in front of her

for periods of time as well as repeatedly retrieving boots from the bottom of a flight of stairs and returning them to her mother at the top of a flight of stairs.

Fri 06/08/2012

Daughter randomly says to Sister, “Someday, when I don't see you anymore, I want you to remember me.”

Stepmom says, “Why wouldn't you see her anymore?”

Daughter says, “Because, someday I'm going to live with my mommy forever. But right now, I have to come over, because if I don't, my mommy will get in trouble.”

Stepmom says, “Yes she would, but your mommy doesn't get to decide when you come over.”

The manipulation by her mother has been slow (started shortly after we separated). It used to show in ways that seemed to make my daughter sad. Now it's showing in ways that make me think that she doesn't view us as family.

 

Here's an excerpt from a document I've been keeping (names changed for common sense):

 

Sat 04/16/2011

Daughter says, "I have to tell the judge that I want to stay at mommy's house forever."

 

Sat 09/17/2011

Daughter says, "I'm going to go live with Grandma forever, where it doesn't rain." It was raining and Daughter was holding her pant legs up so they wouldn't get wet.

Shortly thereafter, was repeatedly asking Stepmom what would happen if she never came back / lived with Mommy forever.

 

Fri 01/20/2012

Daughter says, "I have to tell the judge."

Stepmom says, "Well, what do you have to tell the judge?"

Daughter says, "I have to tell the judge I want to stay with mommy forever."

 

Daughter says, "Mommy said she has to bring me over here, or she'll get in trouble." After further clarification, Daughter notes that her mother will go to jail if she doesn't bring her over.

Mom to Daughter at drop-off, "Now, try and have fun. I want you to try and have fun today."

 

Sat 05/26/2012

Daughter was playing with a toy penguin and states "Give me the [f-word] ball!" to the toy. This is one of several incidents, so far, where she has been caught swearing. She has previously

called our fish "little [b-word]" and told a child at the babysitters that she would "beat his [swear for donkey]". When asked about the "beat your [swear for donkey]" comment, she stated, "That's what my Mommy says to me."

 

Tue 05/29/2012

Daughter tells a story about how when she was born, it was just her and Mommy and that all she's ever known is her Mommy's love. She had previously been convinced that I was not there when she

was born and that Stepdad was there instead.

 

Fri 06/01/2012

Daughter, for no reason, says to me, "I'll kill you." in the car on the way to McDonalds.

 

Daughter explains her discipline at her mother's house. It includes spankings, "boots", jumping jacks, and running in place. Boots is described as holding boots out in place in front of her

for periods of time as well as repeatedly retrieving boots from the bottom of a flight of stairs and returning them to her mother at the top of a flight of stairs.

 

Fri 06/08/2012

Daughter randomly says to Sister, “Someday, when I don't see you anymore, I want you to remember me.”

Stepmom says, “Why wouldn't you see her anymore?”

Daughter says, “Because, someday I'm going to live with my mommy forever. But right now, I have to come over, because if I don't, my mommy will get in trouble.”

Stepmom says, “Yes she would, but your mommy doesn't get to decide when you come over.”

Your daughter is very disturbed.

Please get professional help for her and your current family asap. chi

Even though you don't have joint physical custody, why don't you have joint legal custody? That is very unusual. Did you have a bad lawyer when going through your divorce?

I also live in Oregon (not in Portland) and my ex and I share joint legal and physical custody. My sons went back and forth every other week between our homes. Now one is grown (mostly) so he lives on his own. But our high school son still goes back and forth.

We make joint medical decisions for our minor son. And jointly pay medical stuff for our older son (who will hopefully get a job soon after graduating).

I have a physician friend, who also was required to do joint physical custody, 8 years ago. I asked her why, and she said that Oregon had started to require that for divorcing parents. And so it seems to be more the norm. In my case, I was in treatment for cancer, so joint custody made sense at the time, and it worked out. (And I am fine now, that was 8 years ago.)

In your case, I think that simply having the legal (medical ) custody corrected to joint is crucial, so that you can make sure your daughter can get what she needs. And your family.

Your family would really benefit from family counseling.

Unfortunately you are on a power struggle with your daughter. Not to excuse any of her behavior at all, but you will not win at this.

 

You do need family counseling for all of you. Please check with your lawyer to see if your ex can interfere with your family counseling. If you are not legally allowed to take her then I urge you to go with your wife.

 

This is a crucial thing for you to do. Your daughter's well being depends on you getting professional help for your family.

 

Much of the time when a child acts out, counseling and guiding the parent (s) can vastly improve the situation. Our family did counseling together, but the most help came from my ex and I learning new ways to handle differ g behavior situations, which then shaped how our children behaved.

 

There is an author that used to be in Portland or Vancouver that wrote an amazing parenting book, and sometimes parenting classes are held. The name of the book is "Taking Charge" by Joanne Nordling.

 

My ex and I went through the class, and it made a huge difference in our parenting. Huge!

 

Continue to love your daughter. She needs to be assured that you love her no matter what. But continue to set limits and boundaries.

 

A few things: give your daughter her door back. No consequence should last that long. It is obviously not effective anyhow, and your daughter's need for privacy is important to respect. She should not have to hide or dress in the closet. Tell her that you have realized that she needs that privacy so you will be returning the door. It is okay to admit that you have rethought how to handle things- you are human.

 

Your wife should not be involved in disciplining your daughter. This is your job, and typically step parents need to step back on that as much as possible.

 

Consequences should be tied to the infraction. If she is late to school, then she goes to bed that many minutes earlier that night and gets up that many minutes earlier the next day.

 

The most important take away from that book is that you really need to convey your unconditional love to your daughters. And it is important for you to catch them being good as much as possible. The parenting book also said to give your child attention when they are engaged in neutral behavior so that they don't feel that they have to earn your love.

 

This book and class made a huge difference in our lives. My son (the troubled one) is now 22. He is loving and a good son now, although he does have some depression issues that are likely from a chemical imbalance.

 

Please get some family counseling - maybe with that great counselor that you liked before.

Counseling will not work because her mom isn't going to be supportive. I've been down this road. My daughter is perfectly fine at her mom's house, likely because she spends most of her time watching Vines/YouTube and playing video games. Her mom also treats her more like a "best friend" than a mom. I've talked to her mother recently about counseling, but nothing has come of it, so even if I took her to family counseling (which I don't believe anyone can stop me from doing), her mom will just unravel any progress we've made within days.

I will look into the book. The problem I have with putting the door back on the wall is that, at this point, she'll look at is as less of a concession on my part and more of a victory of hers. She has maintained, since the door came off, that she'll get the door back her way, not by capitulating and starting to be respectful (her way, I suspect, is by her mom somehow forcing me to, either by threatening me with court or actually taking me to court).

You say that no consequence should last that long. I agree, to an extent. No consequence for an isolated infraction should last that long. This is a consequence for an ongoing behavioral issue that she appears to have no intention of changing. I think the door should stay off.

Your daughter is very disturbed.

 

Please get professional help for her and your current family asap. chi

I can't. I'm not allowed to.

The manipulation by her mother has been slow (started shortly after we separated). It used to show in ways that seemed to make my daughter sad. Now it's showing in ways that make me think that she doesn't view us as family.

 

Here's an excerpt from a document I've been keeping (names changed for common sense):

 

Sat 04/16/2011

Daughter says, "I have to tell the judge that I want to stay at mommy's house forever."

 

Sat 09/17/2011

Daughter says, "I'm going to go live with Grandma forever, where it doesn't rain." It was raining and Daughter was holding her pant legs up so they wouldn't get wet.

Shortly thereafter, was repeatedly asking Stepmom what would happen if she never came back / lived with Mommy forever.

 

Fri 01/20/2012

Daughter says, "I have to tell the judge."

Stepmom says, "Well, what do you have to tell the judge?"

Daughter says, "I have to tell the judge I want to stay with mommy forever."

 

Daughter says, "Mommy said she has to bring me over here, or she'll get in trouble." After further clarification, Daughter notes that her mother will go to jail if she doesn't bring her over.

Mom to Daughter at drop-off, "Now, try and have fun. I want you to try and have fun today."

 

Sat 05/26/2012

Daughter was playing with a toy penguin and states "Give me the [f-word] ball!" to the toy. This is one of several incidents, so far, where she has been caught swearing. She has previously

called our fish "little [b-word]" and told a child at the babysitters that she would "beat his [swear for donkey]". When asked about the "beat your [swear for donkey]" comment, she stated, "That's what my Mommy says to me."

 

Tue 05/29/2012

Daughter tells a story about how when she was born, it was just her and Mommy and that all she's ever known is her Mommy's love. She had previously been convinced that I was not there when she

was born and that Stepdad was there instead.

 

Fri 06/01/2012

Daughter, for no reason, says to me, "I'll kill you." in the car on the way to McDonalds.

 

Daughter explains her discipline at her mother's house. It includes spankings, "boots", jumping jacks, and running in place. Boots is described as holding boots out in place in front of her

for periods of time as well as repeatedly retrieving boots from the bottom of a flight of stairs and returning them to her mother at the top of a flight of stairs.

 

Fri 06/08/2012

Daughter randomly says to Sister, “Someday, when I don't see you anymore, I want you to remember me.”

Stepmom says, “Why wouldn't you see her anymore?”

Daughter says, “Because, someday I'm going to live with my mommy forever. But right now, I have to come over, because if I don't, my mommy will get in trouble.”

Stepmom says, “Yes she would, but your mommy doesn't get to decide when you come over.”

Oh, your poor sweet daughter. Please get family counseling.

Give your daughter lots of love and reassurance.

Even though you don't have joint physical custody, why don't you have joint legal custody? That is very unusual. Did you have a bad lawyer when going through your divorce?

 

I also live in Oregon (not in Portland) and my ex and I share joint legal and physical custody. My sons went back and forth every other week between our homes. Now one is grown (mostly) so he lives on his own. But our high school son still goes back and forth.

 

We make joint medical decisions for our minor son. And jointly pay medical stuff for our older son (who will hopefully get a job soon after graduating).

 

I have a physician friend, who also was required to do joint physical custody, 8 years ago. I asked her why, and she said that Oregon had started to require that for divorcing parents. And so it seems to be more the norm. In my case, I was in treatment for cancer, so joint custody made sense at the time, and it worked out. (And I am fine now, that was 8 years ago.)

 

In your case, I think that simply having the legal (medical ) custody corrected to joint is crucial, so that you can make sure your daughter can get what she needs. And your family.

 

Your family would really benefit from family counseling.

EDIT: I meant to put this in the initial reply: I am truly simultaneously happy for you and jealous that you have an ex who is cooperative and has the best interests of your children in mind.

I agree that it's unusual. It's because Oregon cannot force two parents to share legal custody if one of them doesn't want joint custody. This is what I've been told by every attorney I've talked to. Most parents are OK with joint custody. My ex-wife isn't (even though, early on in our separation, she was all for it [which was, I believe, a calculated attempt at putting me off my guard {I know I sound paranoid, but I'm not}]).

[/b]

 

I can't. I'm not allowed to.

Please see post #14....

You guys, here's how it'll work out:

I'll get family counseling and take my daughter. She'll resist, because her mother has told her that she doesn't need it (I probably should have mentioned that before, but it just came back to me as I was running the scenario through my head.).

We'll go and nothing much will get done the first session, because nothing much ever does..family history and stuff.

Her mom will immediately start in on her, telling her that I'm "not her custodial parent" and I "shouldn't be taking her to counseling".

She will no longer be receptive to anything the counselor has to say.

I will also get at least one, stressful to read, email about how I "have no right to seek medical aid" for our daughter.

You guys, here's how it'll work out:

 

I'll get family counseling and take my daughter. She'll resist, because her mother has told her that she doesn't need it (I probably should have mentioned that before, but it just came back to me as I was running the scenario through my head.).

 

We'll go and nothing much will get done the first session, because nothing much ever does..family history and stuff.

 

Her mom will immediately start in on her, telling her that I'm "not her custodial parent" and I "shouldn't be taking her to counseling".

 

She will no longer be receptive to anything the counselor has to say.

 

I will also get at least one, stressful to read, email about how I "have no right to seek medical aid" for our daughter.

Good reason to not try...

Let her go to counselling alone to deal with your divorce, having to go back and forth between contentious parents, your wife's harshness and other teen issues.

Ignore your exwife and do what's best for your teen daughter. She needs a non-combative understanding professional to talk to.

Her mom will immediately start in on her, telling her that I'm "not her custodial parent" and I "shouldn't be taking her to counseling".

I think consequences for her actions is appropriate but I don't agree with you taking away her phone everytime she comes to visit you. I think you're just asking for defiance when the punishment doesn't have a do-able end date. Whose idea was it to remove her door and take away her basic privacy? Perhaps one week end of that would be sufficient to teach her that her actions have consequences but for her to go to her mom's only to come back to yet another time with dad with zero privacy has her, before she even gets there, resenting you, and her step mother and having mis-placed anger at her sister because she still has a door? *shrugs* just a guess.

I haven't read your other thread (or all of this one for that matter as I'm coming in late) but have you all thought of family counseling? One of the problems I see by this thread is that it looks like she doesn't have "consistent parenting" which is very important to have when you have a defiant child. Family counselling would educate ALL of you how to go about being consistent with punishment as well as reward. Her mother, if she's against going as a family unit would do well to have it explained to her that its in her daughters best interests so that she's not going through all of this oppositional defiance disorder that she's displaying. Not having structure and guidance that keeps her calm and happy is abuse.

Having read some of this thread:

I will look into the book. The problem I have with putting the door back on the wall is that, at this point, she'll look at is as less of a concession on my part and more of a victory of hers.

Giving her phone back to her before she needs to ask for it because she's been behaving would also show her that behaving gets her positive results. If she had been behaving prior to asking for her phone back then why didn't you just give it to her? Being concerned that she'll think she's won is troublesome. Arguing with her about wear she gets dressed (after the bathroom) makes me wonder if there are control issues with either you or your current wife. Why was where she got dressed made into such a huge issue wherein your wife's "anxiety" issues got the best of her so that SHE acted inappropriately towards your daughter?

Spending hours at a time in the bathroom is also troublesome... do you know what she was doing in there? Instead of making it an issue could you have waited until next time she wanted to take a shower and explain the rules to her then in that she only be in the actual shower for 15 minutes and that she take another 15 to dress and do her hair or whatever she needs to do?

If you have your daughter go alone to therapy then you go alone to your own therapist. You are frustrated and it appears that this has become a battle of wills wherein you both need to have guidance... as does your current wife and likely your younger daughter as she's being treated unfairly out of jealously.

If your ex wife won't go to family therapy then I think that you, your new wife, your younger daughter and your troubled daughter would do well to go as a family unit. Leave the convincing to the therapist to discuss her mother's attempts at undoing any good that comes out of therapy with your daughter and you stay out of that part of it.

You don't mention how your daughter gets on with her Step Father? When did he come into the picture?

Does any of what's in the link below resonate with you?:

Let her go to counselling alone to deal with your divorce, having to go back and forth between contentious parents, your wife's harshness and other teen issues.

 

Ignore your exwife and do what's best for your teen daughter. She needs a non-combative understanding professional to talk to.

If I sent her to individual counseling, I would be in violation of the custody order and subject to civil action, which would absolutely happen. I can't afford court fines and jail time on top of therapy copays.