Pregnant

I am really not sure where to put this but I'd really like some advice on it. I found out not too long ago I am pregnant from my ex boyfriend. We broke up, but we are still in love and still act like a couple. It's very confusing, but that's not why I'm here..

I was on BC but it failed on me. When I first found out I was pregnant I was very happy. But everyone I have told the news to has told me to terminate it. They tell me I am not ready for a child and I am unstable. That I have no idea what I'm getting into and that I'm having it with my ex which makes it worse. My ex isn't happy about it at all either and I'm unsure if he even wants to be in my life if I keep it. I don't have any family, both parents are deceased. And I'm just very lost..

Everyone says I'm making an irresponsible decision and that I'm being selfish for keeping or wanting my baby.. I feel like a monster and very guilty. The truth is, I am homeless at the moment and living with a friend (this just happened to me less then a week ago and even though it's not ideal I thought it might be good to save up as well?), I work a part time job and wanted to go back to school.. I do have aspirations for myself that having a baby might detour me from.. But even though its a struggle, I feel my situation is temporary and I still want the baby.. Am I really as horrible and selfish as everyone is making me feel?

Disclaimer: I ended up being raised by a single mother when she was 19, but I wasn't conceived or born while my parents were no longer together.

No home, no steady relationship with the father, future greatly in question... while there's something inherently "selfish" (read: self-serving, not necessarily "bad" or "horrible") about having a child under any circumstance, I'd say it does go a certain level beyond in your case. A lot of brilliant and successful people have been born and brought up under similar circumstances, but they're exceptions, definitely not the rule. I mean, statistically, you're talking like a +2000% likelihood of the kid growing up and ending up in prison. You'd have to ask yourself what kind of life and what kind of opportunities you'd realistically be raising a child with.

Now this isn't an opinion on whether or not to abort, but if you're vehemently against abortion, adoption would probably be the more selfless option given the circumstances. Obviously that's something much easier said than done.

So, yeah. I wouldn't judge you any choice you decided to make, but I would advise considering it beyond simply your desire to have a child and think about what you could and couldn't provide a child under your present conditions. It's not easy, and definitely consider other sources of advice if people are throwing descriptors like "horrible" your direction.

Who will care for the child while you work and go to school?

Will you consult an attorney to secure child support from the baby's father?

Is the friend you're staying with willing to allow you and your baby to live there rent free indefinitely?

Can you afford diapers, formula, clothing, a car seat, a stroller, baby food?

Are you prepared to deal with discrimination against women who utilize government assistance (which you most likely will need)?

How will you deal with working and going to school after being up all night with a fussy baby? (All babies are fussy at one time or another)

Where will you receive prenatal care and where will you give birth?

All things to consider.

I don't really understand why there is a high chance my baby would go to prison? I grew up with a harsh childhood and I'm not statistically messed up. I would do all I could for my child. I'm not like a white trash type trailer park mom, yano? Thank you for what you said. It is hard, esp with "horrible" and I like what you said as considering all options, I do feel my situation is temporary but I do feel it would be harder with a baby to have to consider, but in my heart I feel my baby is worth it.

And to the second response, those are all things I have considered. I would need a lot of govt. Help in the beginning but it would just be a boost. I have health insurance and am already receiving prenatal care. I have found a lot of support centers for pregnant women and they stay helping until the child is at least 5. There is wic and I would breast feed. My ex's mom is pretty supportive but she's been the only one. She says she would watch the baby.. I have been doing my homework to provide as much as I can for my child.. I'm not trying to go into it blindly.

Thank you both for your reply

Will you and the baby be living with your ex's mom? Will you secure a child support order from your ex?

No, I'd like to apply for temporary assistance which helps with rent and provides housing for us. I would use this until I could get on my feet. She would watch the baby if I was going to school / work. DSS can also pay for daycare if anything. That is my idea right now, but its subject to change if I'm not eligible but it's unlikely I am not. Also the grandma would like to take the baby to Puerto Rico for a few weeks (later in childhood) to meet its grandparents and learn it's culture (the father is PR) and learn Spanish. I love that idea as well. I would love to culture my baby and have it surrounded by love and family.

Why would you go into this, knowing that the taxpayers are going to have to support your child? Not fair to the baby, or us.

Everything is always going to be a struggle. I see that you are not responding to the question of support from your ex? Still together, but not a couple?????? Is he married?

Have you considered adoption. I think this would be a selfless act for your child.

You are homeless and working part time. Why aren't you working full time? Why haven't you been in school? Why do others believe you to be unstable? None of this bodes well for a child.

Okay.. I replied with a no.. But it's subject to change. I'm not sure and I'm lost. I am a tax payer as well. There are plenty of people who get assistance. I am not saying I want to live on it forever but it's a big help. The point is I wanted my baby.. I just wanted advice, I'm not looking for a witch hunt here. Its bad enough people have been saying I'm doing the wrong thing. Im just a mother who wants her child and is considering all options.

I just started the new job and it starts off part time. My situation isn't obviously ideal right now but I don't feel I'll be this way forever.

Why is the baby's father not going to support his own child???

It's not a witch hunt. We are asking responsible questions. This is very serious, and you need to be realistic. The baby's needs need to come first.

Why are you only working part time and not have a stable home environment? Why is your ex not your bf? Will he pay support? Why aren't you in school? If you are not doing these things now, and have stability in your life, then how the heck are you going to do this when a baby arrives. You are not being realistic!

How old are you? Have you looked into a second job? Time to save up!

How old are you?

Who is 'everybody' who is telling you to terminate the pregnancy?

Have you been to a women's clinic to gather as much information as possible on all available options? The aim isn't to decide for you, but for you to be able to make as educated a decision as possible.

It's natural to want babies. It's natural to feel that. Deciding to have and raise a child though, there is much more to it than what we feel and want. Reason and consideration for what is best for a child is important too. So is considering the needs and and greater community, which your child would become part of. No one can force you to make any decision, as it is your right to choose.

What did you and your partner discuss and agree upon in case this did happen, or did you skip those conversations? Do you know well his beliefs and values? Ultimately it's your choice, but he is also that child's father - I'd urge you to consider how his involvement or lack of it would impact the child.

The questions you are asking are not ones I am getting into. Why isn't my ex my bf? Do I really need to answer that? Why do I not have a stable home environment? I'm not getting into the personals of my life. It doesn't matter. Its the hand I was dealt right now. If you're trying to find out if I'm some drug addict that can't hold it together. No. That's not the case. I am trying to be realistic other wise I would just go out and blindly have my baby.

@Hollyj I'm not sure it's really fair to say that about the taxpayers money. Sometimes things happen unexpectedly in life. The OP said she was on birth control and wasn't being irresponsible. Taxpayers money, in part, is meant for things such as this - to aid those in need. Showing compassion and helping each other is part of being human. She's been discussing this with all the relevant people and availing herself of any and all information she can. She's putting together a plan of how she might tackle this. Who are you to say she's being unfair for thinking about considering her child's life over taxpayers' money? The baby's life is at least worth consideration, is it not? Not to mention, she has a job and is also one of those said taxpayers. And things may not always be a struggle. Some people actually do turn things around. They require a little assistance to get started at first, and then they take it from there. Granted, that is not the general way of it, but that doesn't mean it isn't possible.

@aer143 - boltnrun, j-man, and Hollyj do all make excellent points though. Adoption is a good option if you find you're not in a position to raise a baby but you also feel that termination is not the right choice for you. You do have to have emotional quality of life and if terminating is something you don't think you'll be able to reconcile yourself with after the fact, then perhaps it's best to leave off of that choice and consider placing your child for adoption.

Do your best to consider all the options and the potential consequence to yourself and the baby of each of those choices (both the good and bad consequences). In the end, you can only follow what you feel is right for you and then commit to that decision. Let the chips fall where they may because no one really knows what's in store for them no matter how well they've planned or been responsible in their choices. My advice may be different if you were living in the streets, strung out on drugs, with no job and no support (even then, I'd still look at adoption before termination if you're inclined that way). You are none of those things, so have confidence in your choices, which also goes for it you decide to keep and raise the baby. To be honest though, I think, deep down, you already know the answer and perhaps you're subconsciously asking for validation of your choice to raise the baby. If you feel that you can do it, then commit to that choice and try your best!

The questions you are asking are not ones I am getting into. Why isn't my ex my bf? Do I really need to answer that? Why do I not have a stable home environment? I'm not getting into the personals of my life. It doesn't matter. Its the hand I was dealt right now. If you're trying to find out if I'm some drug addict that can't hold it together. No. That's not the case. I am trying to be realistic other wise I would just go out and blindly have my baby.

But if the baby's father is able-bodied and employed, naturally it is expected he will pay child support.

You're avoiding this question. It's a valid question IMO.

I'm in my mid to late 20s.

I don't have family except my sister. She thinks I'm not ready. Other people were friends who I discussed it with. I've been to so many clinics and found a lot of resources. My ex doesn't want to be a father. & I have thought about that too.. How him not being there would impact us.. Yes. Though, I know there are single moms out there who do it. But I don't know which to thought process to follow.

Well, he is still financially responsible for the child. He is 50% responsible for the baby's existence.

Is his mother OK with him bailing out on his child?

@Hollyj I'm not sure it's really fair to say that about the taxpayers money. Sometimes things happen unexpectedly in life. The OP said she was on birth control and wasn't being irresponsible. Taxpayers money, in part, is meant for things such as this - to aid those in need. Showing compassion and helping each other is part of being human. She's been discussing this with all the relevant people and availing herself of any and all information she can. She's putting together a plan of how she might tackle this. Who are you to say she's being unfair for thinking about considering her child's life over taxpayers' money? The baby's life is at least worth consideration, is it not? Not to mention, she has a job and is also one of those said taxpayers. And things may not always be a struggle. Some people actually do turn things around. They require a little assistance to get started at first, and then they take it from there. Granted, that is not the general way of it, but that doesn't mean it isn't possible.

 

@aer143 - boltnrun, j-man, and Hollyj do all make excellent points though. Adoption is a good option if you find you're not in a position to raise a baby but you also feel that termination is not the right choice for you. You do have to have emotional quality of life and if terminating is something you don't think you'll be able to reconcile yourself with after the fact, then perhaps it's best to leave off of that choice and consider placing your child for adoption.

 

Do your best to consider all the options and the potential consequence to yourself and the baby of each of those choices (both the good and bad consequences). In the end, you can only follow what you feel is right for you and then commit to that decision. Let the chips fall where they may because no one really knows what's in store for them no matter how well they've planned or been responsible in their choices. My advice may be different if you were living in the streets, strung out on drugs, with no job and no support (even then, I'd still look at adoption before termination if you're inclined that way). You are none of those things, so have confidence in your choices.

I don't agree.

She is working part time, is homeless and will not receive money from the bf to support his child. I find it irresponsible. She should seek two jobs. Why isn's she living with family? Why are we responsible for this child? For many, assistance is not temporary.

OK, I see. Is termination of pregnancy off the table for you then? Have you basically made your decision and are looking for support?

Does he work?

@Hollyj Well, to each there own. That's just two perspectives I guess. I come from a country where our taxpayers money does go towards things like that and it's perfectly acceptable if a person it trying to help themselves, we are willing to help them also. She's also a taxpayer.

The fact of the matter is that this is the situation she finds herself in. Now she has to decide what to do about it. It may be financially risky, but I would say anyone who violates their own feelings is being irresponsible in a certain way. She has to be able to move forward with her life and be okay with her choices, otherwise she's going to suffer emotionally. And who is to say she won't seek 2 jobs. If she decides to go ahead with things, she might find circumstance forces to do so and she'll do what is necessary to facilitate her choice.

I'm not saying you're wrong, but I also think you're considering things from your own biases that don't really allow for other ideas.

Well, to each there own. That's just two perspectives I guess. I come from a country where our taxpayers money does go towards things like that and it's perfectly acceptable if a person it trying to help themselves, we are willing to help them also. She's also a taxpayer.

 

The fact of the matter is that this is the situation she finds herself in. Now she has to decide what to do about it. It may be financially risky, but I would say anyone who violates their own feelings is being irresponsible in a certain way. She has to be able to move forward with her life and be okay with her choices, otherwise she's going to suffer emotionally. And who is to say she won't seek 2 jobs. If she decides to go ahead with things, she might find circumstance forces to do so and she'll do what is necessary to facilitate her choice.

 

I'm not saying you're wrong, but I also think you're considering things from your own biases that don't really allow for other ideas.

You have to receive a certain amount of income for there to be a deduction. As she is only working part time, that would be doubtful. I live in a country where a hell of a lot of money goes for assistance. I think that it is a necessary resource, but in many cases it gets abused - perhaps your is better regulated. My point is, is that she is seriously struggling now, how is she going to function when she has the responsibility of a child. Many two-parent families have a difficult time between work and the household - and they have family to help out- she is going to be in school, working and raising a baby, that's not fair to the child.

These decisions need to thought out rationally, not emotionally. The baby has to come first!!!!!

" I'm not saying you're wrong, but I also think you're considering things from your own biases that don't really allow for other ideas."

This is elitist and condescending.