Is it over?

Alright, here goes everything. Patience, please.

I was single for two solid years before I met my current boyfriend. At least I hope he is still my boyfriend. Which that little part right there, brings me here to you fine folks.

We met on an online sports page on facebook. Flirted a bit here and there and then he started messaging me. We started talking non-stop. All day every day. We would facetime nearly every night. Even when he was out with a friend he would video message me and introduce me to them.

After a couple months of this I went to visit him. I live in Oregon, he lives in Illinois but he travels here about once a month or so for work, lived here up until November last year (right before we met), and has his mom here.

It was amazing. Thought my flights were delayed and re-routed and I got in about 8hrs after I was supposed to he was there with open arms. We went out for cocktails. He introduced me to a couple more friends. We fell perfectly in to sync. There was no awkwardness... it was as if we had known each other forever. The long weekend spent with him was pure bliss. He woke me up on one of the nights and told me that I scare the hell out of him and that he loved me. All with tears in his eyes. The love was reciprocated. I had felt the urge to say it before myself but held back because it was still pretty early on.

I come home, things are grand, still talking every day, facetime and all. There were a couple little spats here and there with flares of some jealousy on both our parts. But we always voiced it and moved on.

The last couple of weeks he has been a bit more distant. I commented on it and he said I was being pushy and that he doesn't have to be talkative all the time and should be allowed his own time. I agreed that was true but I would prefer if he just said something like "Hey, I am fine, just want some quiet today" Or something along those lines so I wasn't left guessing or worrying. I struggle with anxiety which he knows so I had hoped this was an agreeable request. He said he would work more on communicating those things as I had told him from the very start that I was huge on communication.

Anyway, we didn't talk for a couple days and it sucked. Then we started talking again and things seemed fine though it was a small flag to me that he didn't tell me he was coming to Oregon but chalked it up to just him being introverted at the time. And it was a last minute trip as well. Anyway we planned to spend Saturday night together.

I woke up early Friday morning to a string of texts from him where he was upset over a back and forth I had with another guy on the sports page we are both on. To me it was nothing more than banter regarding teams. To him it was a double standard and me entertaining other guys. He stated we were done and to "you do you" and to cancel our room. I replied that I was truly just BSing with the guy and he was reading more into it than was there. I told him that I didn't realize those interactions bothered him because he had said previously that he just didn't let those things bother him. I apologized and said I did not mean to hurt him or make him upset. He then said at two separate times during the conversation that he wanted a break/time to re-evaluate the situation. Then that he needed to sleep so I said good night.

Reflecting on it I could see that he did have a partial valid point and I said so much to him later that night when I sent him an apology, owning up to my actions and making an effort to correct the issue. I told him that I hoped we could overcome this together and move forward and reminded him that I do really love him. He read it. No reply. Four days of silence. Messaged him a hello this morning. He replied back with a hello. Then I asked if he was okay. He said he was and that he had just gotten back into cell service. I replied with an "Oh, okay. When are you getting back home?" He read it. No reply. Couple hours later, he had been online this whole time, I asked if we were going to be talking about everything soon. He read it. No reply. Was online off and on for a few hours after this and so I messaged and told him I hoped we will talk soon, wished him a safe journey home and mentioned how excited his puppy will be to have his dad home. Read. No reply.

Where do I go from here? Is this relationship over? Do I just let it go and move on? Do I give it more time? If so, how much more time? His feelings are valid and so is his need for space, but my feelings and needs are also important and I want nothing more than for us to meet on middle ground and have an actual conversation as opposed to just being ghosted out.

Sorry this happened. Did you only meet up the one weekend? Yes it's strange he came to your city but refused to see you. It sounds like he staged a fight and made up a reason.

Is he in another relationship? Unfortunately it sounds like he's has faded out.

Stop contacting him. See if he reaches out.

After a couple months of this I went to visit him.The long weekend spent with him was pure bliss. he didn't tell me he was coming to Oregon but chalked it up to just him being introverted at the time. And it was a last minute trip as well. Anyway we planned to spend Saturday night together. He then said at two separate times during the conversation that he wanted a break/time to re-evaluate the situation.

Sadly, it sounds that now the honeymoon's over, he's losing interest, and picking fights to justify ending the relationship. I'd let it go and chalk it up to experience; it takes a lot of commitment on both sides to keep LDR's going, and it's just not there on his.

If you want to talk to him about it, you can try to make contact... but don't hold your breath...

Do not apologize any more. You did nothing wrong.

I would say yes, this is over.

Focus on meeting men who aren't only in your area every few weeks. Unless a very strong, IN PERSON foundation is laid, long distance relationships have little chance of lasting.

Yes, my visit there was last month. Everything seemed normal save for the last two weeks. Saying he loves me, misses me, will be seeing me soon, etc. We were planning my trips out there again for the Memorial and 4th of July holidays, he was asking me to come to a music festival in September and we were making plans for travelling to football games in the fall...

I don't believe he is in another relationship.

I have waivered between leaving him be for a week or two and seeing what happens. .

Yes, but he was also showing some controlling behaviours or an exit strategy. It was an overreaction to your conversation with the other guy.

Sounds pretty fast too, and that can be a warning. Chemistry and infatuation, yes, but do you know this person well enough to love? How they react under stress, how they communicate during difficult time, thoughtful dates and experiences that they tailor just for you and your needs...

I feel like we grew to know one another very well. We talked about so much of our lives. Pasts, struggles, overcoming things, goals, etc. He acknowledged that us spending the time together that we did was as if we had known one another all alone. He admitted he withdraws under stress and becomes more introverted but also said it was something he was and would be working on. His father was recently diagnosed with colon cancer so I chalked that up to being the reason for being more distant.

I feel like we grew to know one another very well. We talked about so much of our lives. Pasts, struggles, overcoming things, goals, etc. He acknowledged that us spending the time together that we did was as if we had known one another all alone. He admitted he withdraws under stress and becomes more introverted but also said it was something he was and would be working on. His father was recently diagnosed with colon cancer so I chalked that up to being the reason for being more distant.

Speaking electronically is NOT the same thing as spending time together, in person.

Electronics create a false sense of intimacy. Real intimacy is only created when time is spent physically together.

As you found out, what you thought was a strong love bond turned out not to be the case for him. He apparently and obviously is having second thoughts.

You can come up with all sorts of "reasons" why he isn't responding to you. The "reasons" really don't matter (unless he's been in a serious accident and is hospitalized or something). The fact is, he's reading your messages and choosing to ignore them. "Why" doesn't matter because it doesn't change anything.

It's up to you if you want to sit around waiting for him to contact you, or if you want to keep sending message after message only to have them be ignored. I hope you'd want better for yourself than to put your life on hold waiting for some guy who's hundreds of miles away to reply to your messages.

Yes, this one's over.

I agree with others who emphasize the important of spending time together in person. Having a primarily online/electronic relationship is just not a substitute for quality time offline.

I believe he picked this fight so he could break up with you, for what it's worth. He sounds immature.

He is either the greatest playboy ever at acting, or he is immature. Either or.

On the lower probability he is a different dominate trait, like the overly passive-aggressive type, just let him go.

If it was meant to be, he will return. You did all you could. Best of luck.

When they start picking fights, thats a red flag. He is losing interest, don't make the same mistakes i made, don't chase him. Try no contact, if he really cares and wants to be with you he will get in touch.

It took me 3 months to see the reality that my ex truly moved on, sometimes its better not to get closure.

Finding out she was dating another guy and spending time at his house was heartbreaking, that was my breaking point. Don't let it get that bad.. Leave now.. Its harder to move on 3 months after you tried to get them back FOR THREE MONTHS!!!.

I had to learn the hard way, you only gonna push him further away if try you to pursue,and severely damage your heart even more.. RUN AWAY!!!

Yes, but he was also showing some controlling behaviours or an exit strategy. It was an overreaction to your conversation with the other guy.

 

Sounds pretty fast too, and that can be a warning. Chemistry and infatuation, yes, but do you know this person well enough to love? How they react under stress, how they communicate during difficult time, thoughtful dates and experiences that they tailor just for you and your needs...

Have to agree with Raggie. He strikes me as controlling. The whirlwind romantic intensity, then The Distance. Not just any Distance, but Something-Is-Wrong-With-You Distance (pushy), and I-Refuse-To-Acknowledge-Your-Needs Distance. Tells you he will communicate more, yet you are given the silent treatment. Then he doesn't tell you that he's coming to Oregon. How did you find out, by the way? Did he show up at your doorstep or tell you last minute. Did you see each other while he was in town?

He accuses you of "entertaining other guys" and threatens to break up with you. Then he gives you the silent treatment yet again, even though he definitely knows you have anxiety and need reassurance on this front. I suspect he knows that you know he's online, and that he's read your texts and isn't replying.

Push pull push pull. He's hanging you with your own guilt. Undeservedly so. I hope you get away.

the end always gives a start. Don't be sad. It just wasn't yours.

I agree with everyone else. He picked a fight to end things because he has lost interest. It's time to move on.