Red flag or not?

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now. We've had a few issues here and there but overall he hasn't really given me much reason not to trust him. He was born and raised in the town we both currently reside in, and as far as I can tell this definitely checks out.

Well, not long ago we went to a winery together and he paid with a card. On the receipt I noticed the address associated with his account was a PO Box in New Mexico (nowhere near where we are). I asked him about it and he said he had no idea why it said that. I later googled the PO Box and it was in fact associated with his name, though I couldn't get any more info from the google search. There was one letter changed in the name on the account causing a misspelling (For example if his name was "Kevin" it said "Kevni") and the last name was accurate.

Is it even possible he would have "no idea" about the PO Box? I've dated a psychopath in the past so maybe I just have a hard time trusting people, other than this I have no reason not to trust him. But I'm wondering if this is even a possibility/what the explanation could be? Is this a red flag or am I simply being haunted with fears based on my past?

Not enough information. Not enough information to validate that your ex was a psychopath or that this guy has does something questionable.

I would advise you to just ask him about what you have learned.

Not enough information. Not enough information to validate that your ex was a psychopath or that this guy has does something questionable.

 

I would advise you to just ask him about what you have learned.

My ex was indeed a psychopath, he got arrested for rape in the middle of our relationship. Needless to say it ended immediately. This was rougly 3 years ago but it has of course hurt my ability to trust people. In regard to asking, I did ask him and he still said he has no idea about the google results etc. so I'm not sure where to go from here

Him getting arrested for rape doesn't mean he's a psychopath. There's clinical psychopathy and being a psychopath doesn't just mean making bad decisions and hurting people.

Him getting arrested for rape doesn't mean he's a psychopath. There's clinical psychopathy and being a psychopath doesn't just mean making bad decisions and hurting people.

I also know he physically attacked his sister, and displayed essentially every symptom of psychopathy. He then continued to stalk me for two more years. Regardless, my point is I've dated men who were not trustworthy and hid things in the past. I don't really appreciate you coming on here to argue about the medical diagnosis of my ex (which you know virtually nothing about) when my question is about whether or not it's possible a random address my current boyfriend doesn't know of would pop up on his receipt.

I also know he physically attacked his sister, and displayed essentially every symptom of psychopathy. He then continued to stalk me for two more years. Regardless, my point is I've dated men who were not trustworthy and hid things in the past. I don't really appreciate you coming on here to argue about the medical diagnosis of my ex (which you know virtually nothing about) when my question is about whether or not it's possible a random address my current boyfriend doesn't know of would pop up on his receipt.

My post proved a point though. You didn't provide us with enough information. Don't get argumentative when my response is based off the information you provide.

ETA: yes, it's shady. Honestly, something is always a red flag if it compels someone to post online (IMO). You need to tell him about the information you found and either accept or reject his answer.

My post proved a point though. You didn't provide us with enough information. Don't get argumentative when my response is based off the information you provide.

 

ETA: yes, it's shady. Honestly, something is always a red flag if it compels someone to post online (IMO). You need to tell him about the information you found and either accept or reject his answer.

Why would I need to provide more information about my psychopath ex-boyfriend? He was only referenced to give an idea of my mindset in current relationships. Rambling on about the psychopathic things my ex did may even annoy some readers if they then realized my main question was about a different person entirely. I was not sure of your intention of arguing with the diagnosis without answering the question (until now) which came across as argumentative and unhelpful. Thank you though for updating the post to address the main question.

His psychopathy is relevant because it could demonstrate you exaggerate if, in fact, he isn't a psychopath. It could show us that you perhaps are over sensitive or perceive relationship slights that aren't that bad. Calling someone a psychopath is significant, so you should expect us to ask about it - especially since you indicate this past relationship may have some bearing on how you handle this relationship.

Please stop being so hostile. You're coming off as very rude and condescending.

Ok peeps, let's get back on track here and focus on the question at hand. Thanks!

On the receipt I noticed the address associated with his account was a PO Box in New Mexico (nowhere near where we are). I asked him about it and he said he had no idea why it said that. I later googled the PO Box and it was in fact associated with his name, though I couldn't get any more info from the google search. There was one letter changed in the name on the account causing a misspelling (For example if his name was "Kevin" it said "Kevni") and the last name was accurate.

 

Is it even possible he would have "no idea" about the PO Box?

His psychopathy is relevant because it could demonstrate you exaggerate if, in fact, he isn't a psychopath. It could show us that you perhaps are over sensitive or perceive relationship slights that aren't that bad. Calling someone a psychopath is significant, so you should expect us to ask about it - especially since you indicate this past relationship may have some bearing on how you handle this relationship.

 

Please stop being so hostile. You're coming off as very rude and condescending.

Just to clarify, my intention with stating I dated a psychopath was to show that I am indeed oversensitive and untrusting in relationships based on my past experiences with them. That is why at the end I asked if I was right to be suspicious or if my past relationship was likely tainting my perspective. I have no issue with people asking about his behavior, but you didn't actually ask anything. You referred to his rape as a "bad decision" and "hurting people" and then continued arguing he may not be a psychopath, despite not addressing the actual question. Smoking cigarettes and cheating on someone are "bad decisions" that hurt people, but those terms are a pretty mild way to describe a rape.

Ok peeps, let's get back on track here and focus on the question at hand. Thanks!

Sorry, didn't see your post until after replying to mustlovedogs. Will veer back on track

On the receipt I noticed the address associated with his account was a PO Box in New Mexico (nowhere near where we are). I asked him about it and he said he had no idea why it said that. I later googled the PO Box and it was in fact associated with his name, though I couldn't get any more info from the google search. There was one letter changed in the name on the account causing a misspelling (For example if his name was "Kevin" it said "Kevni") and the last name was accurate.

So let me get this straight. You're dating a guy who you just found out has a P.O. Box in New Mexico he uses as the address on his credit card, the box is in a slightly different name than the one he's giving you, and when asked about it instead of a plausible explanation he plays dumb and says he has no idea how that address just happens to be associated with the card? Let me ask you a question. Do you have credit or bank cards associated with an address that you don't know how it got associated with that card? In a slightly altered version of your name?

Because I cannot imagine the level of drugs it would take for me to fill out an application for a card and put it in some post office box address I don't remember.

In other words, this is a serious red flag. So take another look, because I don't think that's the only red flag you've been seeing - your comment about a few things here and there tells me there's more than you have detailed in your post. But yes that would be enough for me to drop someone fast and not look back, because I cannot think of any good logical sane reason for that. You have to pay for post office boxes and you have to fill out what address you want a credit/bank card associated with.

It's not like the post office fairy or the credit card fairy just get together and toss those things out to people and now we all have to "guess" or not understand how our cards come with an address attached to it we don't know about.

So let me get this straight. You're dating a guy who you just found out has a P.O. Box in New Mexico he uses as the address on his credit card, the box is in a slightly different name than the one he's giving you, and when asked about it instead of a plausible explanation he plays dumb and says he has no idea how that address just happens to be associated with the card? Let me ask you a question. Do you have credit or bank cards associated with an address that you don't know how it got associated with that card? In a slightly altered version of your name?

 

Because I cannot imagine the level of drugs it would take for me to fill out an application for a card and put it in some post office box address I don't remember.

 

In other words, this is a serious red flag. So take another look, because I don't think that's the only red flag you've been seeing - your comment about a few things here and there tells me there's more than you have detailed in your post. But yes that would be enough for me to drop someone fast and not look back, because I cannot think of any good logical sane reason for that. You have to pay for post office boxes and you have to fill out what address you want a credit/bank card associated with.

 

It's not like the post office fairy or the credit card fairy just get together and toss those things out to people and now we all have to "guess" or not understand how our cards come with an address attached to it we don't know about.

I agree it's bizarre, I guess my confusion comes from the fact we live in such an extremely small town, and so many people have known him for so many years that it seems very strange he would have a PO Box in New Mexico, and he would really have to work hard to hide a second identity from so many people who have all known him for years. Even if he is hiding something I'm 99.9% sure he has not visited New Mexico any time in the past few years as he's worked full time at the same place with the same people for ages. I saw the PO Box with the misspelled version of his name belongs to a construction company owned by a man named Shawn (not my boyfriend's name) but who has the same last name as him. I looked this Shawn guy up on facebook and they're not mutual friends or anything...I'm really just confused at this point.

It may seem I'm leaving out details etc but there's really no other red flags I've not mentioned, or any other implications he's hiding anything. But I guess anything is possible

Yes, it's a red flag.

He knows why it's associated with that address, he's just not sharing that reason with you.

It makes no sense that the bill or other communications from the credit card company would randomly arrive in New Mexico if he's got no connections there. Ergo, he does have a connection there but he's not telling you what that is.

Perhaps the card he's been using is not his at all, but someone with the same name. My own name is relatively common and it would not out of the realm of possibility for someone with the same name to swipe my credit card and go on a little spree on my dime before I was alerted. Has he been married or otherwise seriously committed before? Maybe he opened a new account and had the bills redirected so the wife/girlfriend would never see them and question his expenses.

You're right to be suspicious. Something is off.

Yes, it's a red flag.

 

He knows why it's associated with that address, he's just not sharing that reason with you.

 

It makes no sense that the bill or other communications from the credit card company would randomly arrive in New Mexico if he's got no connections there. Ergo, he does have a connection there but he's not telling you what that is.

 

Perhaps the card he's been using is not his at all, but someone with the same name. My own name is relatively common and it would not out of the realm of possibility for someone with the same name to swipe my credit card and go on a little spree on my dime before I was alerted. Has he been married or otherwise seriously committed before? Maybe he opened a new account and had the bills redirected so the wife/girlfriend would never see them and question his expenses.

 

You're right to be suspicious. Something is off.

Excellent advice and analysis and I hope you find out more.

Maybe I am missing something (which is quite possible lol), but I find it very strange that a winery's (or any food/wine establishment's) purchase receipt would show the address of the person who owns the card.

I went to the store yesterday and paid with a credit card and the address on the receipt is that of the store's main branch in another state, NOT my address. I am looking at the receipt right now.

Also, when you "google" a PO Box, privacy laws prevent them (google) from disclosing the name of the person who owns the PO Box. Did you use another search engine to find it?

Lastly, how was it you had the opportunity to see the address on the receipt? So closely that you memorized it so you could google it later? Just me, but I find that a bit strange.

Are there other issues in your relationship that caused you to be so suspicious and distrustful of him that you needed to check and suspect him of lying about it?

Anyway, given the limited info you provided, and my knowledge of U.S. privacy laws as they pertain to an individual's personal info like an address, phone, etc, I would suspect the PO Box on the receipt was actually that of the *winery* ....not an address linked to your boyfriend.

I think you need to trust your boyfriend unless you have another reason to suspect that he *may* be lying and/or other issues in your relationship that cause you to be so suspicious or distrustful.

Well, not long ago we went to a winery together and he paid with a card. On the receipt I noticed the address associated with his account was a PO Box in New Mexico (nowhere near where we are). I asked him about it and he said he had no idea why it said that. I later googled the PO Box and it was in fact associated with his name, though I couldn't get any more info from the google search. There was one letter changed in the name on the account causing a misspelling (For example if his name was "Kevin" it said "Kevni") and the last name was accurate.

I'd definitely think it was weird if something like this happened. So yeah, flag.

Do you know him from your home town or is this what he told you? 6 mos is not that long for dating but you should at least know his basic identity. Does he introduce you to friends and family? Have you been to his home ?

6 months of dating is the observation mode so if you think he isn't who he claims, hang back and observe more. It's very possible you are hypervigilent because of past baggage, but at 6 mos in you should know some basics about someone, no?.

I've been with my boyfriend for 6 months now. He was born and raised in the town we both currently reside in .On the receipt I noticed the address associated with his account was a PO Box in New Mexico. I asked him about it and he said he had no idea why it said that. I later googled the PO Box and it was in fact associated with his name. Is this a red flag or am I simply being haunted with fears based on my past?

Maybe I am missing something (which is quite possible lol), but I find it very strange that a winery's (or any food/wine establishment's) purchase receipt would show the address of the person who owns the card.

 

I went to the store yesterday and paid with a credit card and the address on the receipt is that of the store's main branch in another state, NOT my address. I am looking at the receipt right now.

 

Also, when you "google" a PO Box, privacy laws prevent them (google) from disclosing the name of the person who owns the PO Box. Did you use another search engine to find it?

 

Lastly, how was it you had the opportunity to see the address on the receipt? So closely that you memorized it so you could google it later? Just me, but I find that a bit strange.

 

Are there other issues in your relationship that caused you to be so suspicious and distrustful of him that you needed to check and suspect him of lying about it?

 

Anyway, given the limited info you provided, and my knowledge of U.S. privacy laws as they pertain to an individual's personal info like an address, phone, etc, I would suspect the PO Box on the receipt was actually that of the *winery* ....not an address linked to your boyfriend.

 

I think you need to trust your boyfriend unless you have another reason to suspect that he *may* be lying and/or other issues in your relationship that cause you to be so suspicious or distrustful.

The address was in the upper left corner of the receipt, if I recall. Something inside me told me to investigate further. I know it's weird I memorized it and googled it lol but I went with my gut and low and behold, his name pops up as attached to the PO Box, only slightly misspelled. I did use google, and after clicking on the link with his misspelled name it appears the PO Box is associated with a construction company under his last name (for example, if his last name is Smith, it would be called "Smith Construction and Design Inc"). Anyway it's definitely not related to the winery.

And for those asking, yes I've been to his house and met his friends etc. He has however been unemployed the past couple months as he started his own advertising business for local shops in town (where he records brief ads for them) so maybe he has some other under the table job I don't know about or something?

If I could I'd just post the PO Box here and let you guys look at it lol but I'm sure that's against guidelines

Is it a company card from his family? If he's unemployed perhaps he's used a family company card.

his last name (for example, if his last name is Smith, it would be called "Smith Construction and Design Inc").

Is it a company card from his family? If he's unemployed perhaps he's used a family company card.

That's what I thought too. Upon further research of the construction company, it's also owned by a man named Shawn with his same last name. I searched this person up on facebook and found him right away, but he's not mutual friends with my boyfriend or anything. I still find it weird my boyfriend wouldn't just tell me that's what he was doing if that was the case.

That's what I thought too. Upon further research of the construction company, it's also owned by a man named Shawn with his same last name. I searched this person up on facebook and found him right away, but he's not mutual friends with my boyfriend or anything. I still find it weird my boyfriend wouldn't just tell me that's what he was doing if that was the case.

Given this new info, it all sounds very weird!

I am surprised that Google provided a name after searching a PO Box, but I do believe you.

So much for our country's privacy laws! lol

Short of confronting him with what you found out, which, unless I had other reasons to distrust him, I personally wouldn't do, I don't know what to tell ya.

But then again, I have never dated a psychopath either which no doubt has left you with a few emotional scars.

Good luck with whatever you decide and keep us posted.

To the OP, I think I figured out what my confusion was about the address on the receipt.

I presumed you meant the purchase receipt from the winery, you meant the credit card receipt?

If so, then yes his address would show on the credit card receipt ... and my bad.

Yes, a red flag, especially since you've given him two opportunities to offer a plausible explanation.

I'd simply tell him, "I adore you and can picture the two of us together in the future. That's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. I can appreciate that you may view my questions about the inconsistent address on your credit card as none of my business. However, if you ever decide that you'd like to address the issue with a reasonable explanation, we can meet to catch up if I'm still available. If not, I wish you the best."

Then the ball is in his court. If he turns hostile about it, you have your answer--he's hiding something important. In fact, for your own safety, you may want to have this convo over the phone rather than in person. Even in public, you'd have the issue of making it home safely, and you don't know what you're dealing with.

Be safe, and don't ignore this.

To the OP, I think I figured out what my confusion was about the address on the receipt.

 

I presumed you meant the purchase receipt from the winery, you meant the credit card receipt?

 

If so, then yes his address would show on the credit card receipt ... and my bad.

No worries, I actually called the winery and asked if they normally print addresses on their receipts. They said yes, if you have an account open with them they always do that. Which is strange because upon going he said it was his first time there.

He's now saying it's clearly something wrong with the computer system....*eye roll*