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Rifts are occuring between me, girlfriend, and a lot of stuff. Need help.


BooParoo

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So I'm 26 (M) and my GF is 24. We met online, have been in a relationship for three years, and have been living together for two years. It's been up and down, but mostly up. I mean, most relationships have good and bad points, right? I know it can't be sunshine all the time, but I've kind of been at a loss recently.

 

I apologize if this comes off as disorganized, I'll leave a tl;dr at the bottom, just in case.

 

So my GF has abusive parents. Now, she's pretty much cut them entirely out of her life, and I say good riddance to them. They're unpleasant people, and not that bright to boot. She's smart, though, a lot better a person than either of her parents. The problem is, she grew up in a largely abusive environment. Not just her folks, but where she went to school and a lot of her relatives--not the best people. She's really hung up about the past, and I certainly try to understand. I mean, my childhood was pretty good for the most part. No real trauma that I can recall. I admit I can't totally relate to her past, but I always listen and try to be as supportive as possible.

 

Now, I'm a compassionate person, but I'm not a therapist. My girlfriend has some major baggage, but money is kind of tight, so seeing someone at the moment, therapy-wise, isn't totally possible. Just putting that out there.

 

Despite trying to block her parents completely, they have made a lasting impression, unfortunately. She's often reminiscing about the bad times they had together, and worrying she's going to end up like them, an abuser. I honestly don't think she will, but I understand her fear. For the past few months, though, things have gotten worse. She's been angry and inconsolable at times. Just recently, my best friend was over. We were watching some movie and afterward, seemingly out of nowhere, she began to rattle off a list of times people were nasty to her in her grade school days. It did sound pretty terrible (though I had heard most of these stories before), and she asked why people have been treating her this way her whole life. My friend tried to offer sympathy and relate the issue to a problem his own friend was facing, but she instead lashed out and then stormed off to find a bar. She was sober this whole time, I might add. She's not a heavy drinker, either.

 

I guess that's what prompted me to sit and write this all out. As I said, money is tight and we've been living together in an apartment for two years now. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave her, but I admit I've heavily considered it recently. It's getting really trying on my patience and my sanity. I try to be a good boyfriend, I try to keep things optimistic, but I'm afraid this might start to even affect me physically if this goes on, from an emotional standpoint.

 

Now, I'm not perfect. My sex drive is fairly low and hers is fairly high. That's caused a rift in the past, but we agreed to work on it. I don't think that's what brought this outburst up, but it has certainly been a factor in arguments lately.

 

Like I said, I don't know what to do. When we're happy, it's wonderful. We have so much in common and we have a lot of fun together. But at the same time, she has these major emotional baggage issues and I don't know how I can help. I'm only human and I don't want to leave her because of stuff that's clearly out of her hands, but I feel that sometimes she's actually using her past wounds as excuses to lash out. My best friend is mad at her, I'm mad at her, and I'm just scared.

 

Tl;dr: My GF has emotional baggage that I don't know how to deal with as much as I try, please help

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She's often reminiscing about the bad times they had together, and worrying she's going to end up like them, an abuser. I honestly don't think she will, but I understand her fear.

 

Sadly, it sounds as though she's already starting to - and this is a situation which will only get worse with time. I get that money is too tight for therapy, but if anyone in her family has a history of alcohol abuse she will qualify for Alanon, and if not she will qualify for Codependents Anonymous (CoDA). Neither of these twelve step programs is therapy as such; it's just that from my (admittedly limited) experience, they are both as effective if not more so than group therapy. And they're free!

 

You don't say which country you're based in, but there may be therapy available at a reduced cost.

 

In any case, you're clearly doing your best for her, but nobody can heal the pain from another person's history. Only she can do that. You don't want to end up as an abuse victim yourself and if she shows no signs of wanting to engage with any recovery programs then you really will need to rethink your situation.

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I'm someone whom suffers from a lot of childhood abuse, and bullied all the way through high school, then again at a work place as I got older. which cause me to have PTSD. Then it turned into depression/anxiety. I can not stress this more to you, she NEEDS professional help. She could get counselling (government funded, if you don't have the funds), she could also see a psychiatrist to see if medication would be an option for her. She could also do group therapy (government funded as well) She needs to do something! This is not going to go away on it's own, it requires a lot of hard with a trained professional.

 

You just need to do some research in your area for mental health advocacy. She could also go see her family doctor to see if he could do some referrals. There are lots of options out there that won't cost you an arm and a leg.

 

I wouldn't have gotten better if I didn't seek help. You are right, it will eventually drag you down. You are not a doctor, you won't be able to cure her.

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Sorry to hear this. You are absolutely correct, you're not a therapist and the unresolved chronic emotion dumping and complaining takes it's toll. She's being emotionally abusive to you and your friends. She learned at home how to be abusive and manipulative.

 

Always stick to the matter at hand and don't allow her to use the victim stance to derail things. Right now she's getting off on being an emotional vampire for attention and kid glove treatment.

 

Unfortunately your instincts are correct that you are living in an untenable situation that she makes no effort to improve upon. Standard medical insurance will cover doctors visits which is where she should start to look for help. She may have a treatable mood disorder, etc.

 

She is doing zero to help herself and you are suffering as a result. She makes excuses for her anger and whining etc. It may be best to consider going separate ways and moving out.

have been living together for two years. I'm not a therapist. She's been angry and inconsolable at times. she instead lashed out and then stormed off to find a bar. I don't want to leave her, but I admit I've heavily considered it recently. It's getting really trying on my patience and my sanity.
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Thank you everyone for your advice. To answer a few questions, we are in the USA, so therapy is pretty decently available. After last night, I'm afraid she's legit starting to lose it. She's spending a lot of time with our stuffed animals because they "never get mad at (her)." I expressed how this is just getting surreal at this point, but she keeps doing it. I swear I am not making this up. I want to help her and I don't want to dump her because of things that are out of her control, but I think she's just messing me at this point, no matter how clear I make my feelings.

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Does she work and function well at work? Is all this really "out of her control"? Agree she may be messing with to you. Do you get the brunt of her crazy behavior?

She's spending a lot of time with our stuffed animals because they "never get mad at (her)." I swear I am not making this up. I think she's just messing me at this point, no matter how clear I make my feelings.
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