Why doesn't tinder work for me?

I am 30 and use various dating apps, the app that does not work at all seems to be tinder. I have used different profile pictures but always get the same results.

I am having the following issues with it:

- I get matches infrequently

- when I DO get matches, girls would do the following after I send a message such as a simple 'hi' or a question

1) Unmatch me, leaving me scratching my head for why they swiped right to begin with

2) not respond

In contrast many of my friends seem to be:

- getting matches and responses quicker to the point that they are raving on about leaving me jealous

Any guys on here facing similar issues with it? On other apps, I've had better luck using the same profile pictures and conversational openers. With one I met my recent ex.

Thanks

What are you hoping to get out of Tinder?

If it's more than a quick hook up, do you have information on your bio? Do you read your matches bios? Can you mention something more interesting than "hi"? Maybe ask them about something they're into.

What are you hoping to get out of Tinder?

 

If it's more than a quick hook up, do you have information on your bio? Do you read your matches bios? Can you mention something more interesting than "hi"? Maybe ask them about something they're into.

Tried all sorts of opener, that included.

I want more matches that talk.

If tinder doesn't work while other apps / sites work, why insist on using tinder then? Tinder didn't work for me either, I got quite a few matches but no one wanted to talk let alone meet. A lot of people use it for games apparently, or just bored but not actually interested in meeting anyone. Longest time I was on there was a week, then I quit. It's a waste of time.

I wouldn't look on tinder if you're looking for anything serious, it's not an efficient way to find what you want.

I have the same issue as you. Tinder was originally a hook up site. Its also very shallow by swiping left or right to fond out who you are attracted to.

Its not really you that's the issue but Tinder. I wont put all your effort on it as Tinder originally was set up for people for quick hook ups and sex and doesn't have a good reputation.

Ugh. No. I unmatch/block/whatever ANYONE who sends a "hi". And you sometimes say you ask a question? My rule of thin applies to lazy/general questions like "how's your weekend?"

Nope. This may not come down to others being shallow. It's you being lazy. Come up with at least something creative. Hi? Literally the worst.

Tinder is harder for men, unless they look like a model or seem to have a luxurious lifestyle (I'm a woman and I've observed this through friends and etc). Many times women swipe right just to talk and pass time or to have some sort of ego boost, not because they really want to meet and have a date, which is the purpose of Tinder, I suppose. So even if you get matches, many of the girls are not interested in meeting men in person.

It is said that men swipe right many times and then choose according to the matchings they get. It is said that women swipe only a few selected men and have matches almost all of the time and inside those matches choose a very small amount to talk and actually follow through with dates.

I could be wrong, but that's the idea me and my friends have of it and I've read it many times in other places.

Just as a matter of fact, I've used tinder in the past and I usually got bored with the dry "hi, how are you?" or pointless chit chat and I confess that it was hard to find men with whom I actually felt like having a date with.

But... there are also cases of success. A friend of mine is going to marry a man she met on Tinder and it was like the second man from there that she went on a date with.

Ugh. No. I unmatch/block/whatever ANYONE who sends a "hi". And you sometimes say you ask a question? My rule of thin applies to lazy/general questions like "how's your weekend?"

Everything, I experiment.

Generally though, I talk to the girls how I would talk to women on other dating apps. The difference is on other dating apps I have a better response rate even if I ask 'hey, how's it going?', so I am wondering why women are so up their ass on Tinder.

Nope. This may not come down to others being shallow. It's you being lazy. Come up with at least something creative. Hi? Literally the worst.

Each to their own - I don't think it is laziness for someone to say 'hey, how is it going?', it's what people do in real life when meeting someone for the first time. If a girl asked me that, I would not think she was being lazy and would respond.

The problem I have is 2 fold though:

- it is really hard to get matches

- Then once I get matches, 99% of the time I do not get response even if I mention something about their profile as an opener.

Tinder is harder for men, unless they look like a model or seem to have a luxurious lifestyle (I'm a woman and I've observed this through friends and etc). Many times women swipe right just to talk and pass time or to have some sort of ego boost, not because they really want to meet and have a date, which is the purpose of Tinder, I suppose. So even if you get matches, many of the girls are not interested in meeting men in person.

 

It is said that men swipe right many times and then choose according to the matchings they get. It is said that women swipe only a few selected men and have matches almost all of the time and inside those matches choose a very small amount to talk and actually follow through with dates.

 

I could be wrong, but that's the idea me and my friends have of it and I've read it many times in other places.

 

Just as a matter of fact, I've used tinder in the past and I usually got bored with the dry "hi, how are you?" or pointless chit chat and I confess that it was hard to find men with whom I actually felt like having a date with.

 

But... there are also cases of success. A friend of mine is going to marry a man she met on Tinder and it was like the second man from there that she went on a date with.

Current friends that are using tinder are average looking, one is white the other isn't but chinese in good shape. I am Indian. Do you think that I could be having a harder time because Indian men are less desirable online? The app I have the most success, I have strong filters on so that I am only matched with women open to dating outside of race as well as my own. Gone on about 5-6 dates with different white women and met ex who was white from it.

I have seen that my white friends generally have no problems, one is heavily tatooed, bald and not very attractive. On Tinder he set up plenty of dates. He met someone and is now having a baby with that girl.

Personally, I think you're wasting your time on tinder. I never had any luck with it either. Tinder is great for browsing, the diversity of people on there is amazing. I used it after my breakup, it helped me seethat other women are as attractive as my ex was and even more so!!! If you want to go on actual dates, go out and meet people. Easier said than done I know.

Keep tweaking the profile and pics. Never send a lame "hi" message, best way to get blocked asap. They view that as lazy, no interest or spammers.

Send at least a witty personalized message, not questions or hey, hi, whatever..

the app that does not work at all seems to be tinder. girls would do the following after I send a message such as a simple 'hi' or a question 1) Unmatch me, leaving me scratching my head for why they swiped right to begin with 2) not respond

Current friends that are using tinder are average looking, one is white the other isn't but chinese in good shape. I am Indian. Do you think that I could be having a harder time because Indian men are less desirable online? The app I have the most success, I have strong filters on so that I am only matched with women open to dating outside of race as well as my own. Gone on about 5-6 dates with different white women and met ex who was white from it.

 

I have seen that my white friends generally have no problems, one is heavily tatooed, bald and not very attractive. On Tinder he set up plenty of dates. He met someone and is now having a baby with that girl.

I don't know. I've never seen Indians on Tinder, but where I live there aren't many at least on my age range from what I've observed. I don't think it's a problem with race. I have white friends that aren't bad looking and they also complain that they can have some matches (not many) but almost any of them follows up to a meeting in person.

However maybe the other websites that you tried with the filters might work better for you.

There's another app called happn that where I live seems to have people that I find more suitable for me. However, since all the people appear at the same time and not one at a time like tinder, it might be harder to catch their attention and have matches.

Personally, I think you're wasting your time on tinder. I never had any luck with it either. Tinder is great for browsing, the diversity of people on there is amazing. I used it after my breakup, it helped me seethat other women are as attractive as my ex was and even more so!!! If you want to go on actual dates, go out and meet people. Easier said than done I know.

Never been great meeting women to go on dates with without using a dating app.

Nice to hear that you have had a similar experience on Tinder, it was leaving me feeling rubbish hearing that all of my friends having amazing luck on it and sending pics on whatsapp of their matches.

Have you tried to diversify? That means in person opportunities such as clubs, groups, classes, lessons and other social events as well as a pay app like Match and a free app like POF or OKC

Have you tried to diversify? That means in person opportunities such as clubs, groups, classes, lessons and other social events as well as a pay app like Match and a free app like POF or OKC

A couple of years ago, when I had more time on my hands I did the following:

Meet ups

Fantastic for networking, but I found it hard to pick women up since even if you went to a meet up event, more often than not the same people would not attend the following weeks. It was also bloody hard trying to figure out who finds you attractive or not. Something I have never been good at.

It also costs money and time, I am working 50 hours a week so generally very tired to keep going to them.

Improv Acting + Language courses

Got nowhere with both, and when I did hit on a girl only to get rejected it spreaded amongst my peers to the point they started commenting when I was unsuccessful. Also there was the pressure to actually be good at the course, otherwise people will laugh at you - true with improv acting.

Like the above need a huge investment of time and money to get anywhere. I am also very shy.

Speed dating

Went to one, did not work for me very well and found it to be extremely competitive. I remember on the occasion I went, I spoke to one girl, and before I knew it some guy grabbed her attention and was making out with her soon afterwards.

Pick up bootcamps (yes I know ladies and gents)

Don't bother. Expensive. Spent 2k on it.

Friends/social circle

I met my first girlfriend through this, it definently works, but as I have got older I have less friends and I am finding it harder to make new friends than at university. All of my friends are getting married and starting families now.

Online dating

Tried the following:

Tinder - well this thread says it all. One word frustrating.

Match.com really terrible, got NO MATCHES.

OkCupid - interestingly enough, this app is sort of working. Went on one date from there already, and spoken to a few girls. The problem I am having is the quality of matches, aside from the girl I went on a date with, I just don't find many of the girls I am matched with attractive so it leads to no where beyond a chit chat.

EHarmony (paid dating site) - met my ex from there, gone on 10-20 dates overall pre ex and post break up. Works - I guess it is because women are paying for it so are serious about finding someone

Recently started a thread on here where I went on 2 dates with a girl from there, kissed but she changed her mind about me and got rejected. Only problem with EH, it is generally a slow process to get high quality matches and they have changed the system so that it is more chat based than guided communication which has made it harder to break the ice and get responses decreasing my overall dating count.

I want to take up meet ups again, just for professional purposes mainly, just don't have a lot of time given how busy work is.

I think my problem might not be a lack of overall matches come to think about it, it is being matched with women whose personality I like and I am attracted too. I find that I am very good at getting a date if a girl responds to me and makes an effort to get to know me online. Often get told that I am charming.

Great info, thanks so much!!!! Totally understand your frustration. A lot of people don't like to date at the work place, do you have any qualms about that???

Great info, thanks so much!!!! Totally understand your frustration. A lot of people don't like to date at the work place, do you have any qualms about that???

Although not ideal, I don't have any problems with it. The problem is that I work in a) a small company and b) in IT, where it is a male dominated environment making it difficult to meet single available women. We have had a new employee joined who is female, that is very pretty, but she has a boyfriend already which is fine, happy to make a new friend.

She has told me that she would introduce me to her friends, so we will see where that goes but I am not banking on it.

It seems you've had more success on other sites and different venues.

Yikes. 2k? Ok out of curiosity what was this like?

Pick up bootcamps (yes I know ladies and gents)

Don't bother. Expensive. Spent 2k on it.

EHarmony (paid dating site) - met my ex from there, gone on 10-20 dates overall pre ex and post break up. Works - I guess it is because women are paying for it so are serious about finding someone

I think you nailed it there - you went somewhere where women were more serious in finding someone. If they didn't think you were a match, they didn't waste your time. If you matched, they considered you. you actually went on dates - and it *is* a numbers game - so 10-20 dates and one relationship is not too shabby at all, actually.

I never used Tinder - it started to be popular when i took myself off the market so to speak - but i hear that a lot of people, as said above, will be on because they are bored, want a hookup with someone who is physically nearby that night, etc, or is very young. I think if you are college-aged or were truly just looking for a hookup, you would get more satisfaction out of it. I think you really actually want a relationship so it may not be the app for you.

As far as Meetups go - don't go to meet women. Go to make friends. The more guys and unavailable women you know, the more sisters, old roommates, college classmates, daughters and friends of theirs are in your reach for possible introductions or setups. And also, find a meetup that you like and want to continue with regardless. My cousin met his wife through meetup. She was involved in it and he was the new guy who decided to try it. They didn't start dating right away, it took months of him coming and then not coming and then her missing meets, too, and one day it just clicked and they started dating.

Do you have hobbies?

As far as the white/Indian/Chinese thing - I had a mad crush on an Indian guy who didn't give me the time of day and I'm white, for the record. At any rate - the only hesitation I have ever had about Indian guys is being afraid they will ultimately choose an arranged marriage. If you have an Indian last name but an Americanized first name or were raised here/give an indication you aren't traditional in that way, you have a wider audience of women. Or if a woman meets you in real life. Are you looking to date white women, or are you open to Indian and women of other ethnicities as well?

Also, another place to meet women is to volunteer.

Although not ideal, I don't have any problems with it. The problem is that I work in a) a small company and b) in IT, where it is a male dominated environment making it difficult to meet single available women. We have had a new employee joined who is female, that is very pretty, but she has a boyfriend already which is fine, happy to make a new friend.

 

She has told me that she would introduce me to her friends, so we will see where that goes but I am not banking on it.

Do those men have sisters-in-law, neighbors, female friends?

You probably already know this but it's best to meet women doing things that you enjoy. I am not saying don't step out of your comfort zone but you'll be more likely to meet someone with common interests .

It seems you've had more success on other sites and different venues.

 

Yikes. 2k? Ok out of curiosity what was this like?

 

Did this twice with different people/organisations, depends on who you go with but it was the same for me, and I think it will be the same across the board.

 

The first person was an 'approach' coach who took me to a night club and instructed me to approach every girl and gave me tips along the way on how to grab their attention. Think Will Smith, Hitch. It was absolutely soul destroying, since many girls (and rightly so) would reject me flat out by acting as though I did not exist. I remember how the next day feeling so depressed and low on confidence following the level of rejections I was getting.

 

Second time, I did a pick up package with a PUA company who's approach was a bit more holistic in the sense that in addition to approaching girls during the day (on the streets) and at night in clubs/bars I worked with a therapist to help deal with the rejections/build my confidence. Nice idea, didn't work, I got 0 dates and was left frustrated for that reason.

 

The problem with the bootcamps in the end was simple, they were not getting me on dates and thus were not serving their purpose. It was at that point, I looked for an easier alternative, thinking to myself, god it shouldn't be this hard and felt that I was being fleeced. That was when I found online dating and everything changed for the better in terms of going on actual dates.

EHarmony (paid dating site) - met my ex from there, gone on 10-20 dates overall pre ex and post break up. Works - I guess it is because women are paying for it so are serious about finding someone

 

I think you nailed it there - you went somewhere where women were more serious in finding someone. If they didn't think you were a match, they didn't waste your time. If you matched, they considered you. you actually went on dates - and it *is* a numbers game - so 10-20 dates and one relationship is not too shabby at all, actually.

Basically yeah, that's right, although I am not happy at their latest changes to the platform. I am getting less matches.

I never used Tinder - it started to be popular when i took myself off the market so to speak - but i hear that a lot of people, as said above, will be on because they are bored, want a hookup with someone who is physically nearby that night, etc, or is very young. I think if you are college-aged or were truly just looking for a hookup, you would get more satisfaction out of it. I think you really actually want a relationship so it may not be the app for you.

That is the problem, even if I wanted a hook up, at this rate I couldn't even get that from Tinder.

As far as Meetups go - don't go to meet women. Go to make friends. The more guys and unavailable women you know, the more sisters, old roommates, college classmates, daughters and friends of theirs are in your reach for possible introductions or setups. And also, find a meetup that you like and want to continue with regardless. My cousin met his wife through meetup. She was involved in it and he was the new guy who decided to try it. They didn't start dating right away, it took months of him coming and then not coming and then her missing meets, too, and one day it just clicked and they started dating.

 

Do you have hobbies?

Some, just don't have a lot of time right now

As far as the white/Indian/Chinese thing - I had a mad crush on an Indian guy who didn't give me the time of day and I'm white, for the record. At any rate - the only hesitation I have ever had about Indian guys is being afraid they will ultimately choose an arranged marriage. If you have an Indian last name but an Americanized first name or were raised here/give an indication you aren't traditional in that way, you have a wider audience of women. Or if a woman meets you in real life. Are you looking to date white women, or are you open to Indian and women of other ethnicities as well?

 

Also, another place to meet women is to volunteer.

I am British, and I generally like white women to tell you the truth, only ever dated them. I am not at all traditional. In terms of other ethnicities, very attracted to arabic women but have no idea how the hell to meet them. I am yet to meet an Indian women that I find attractive, sounds strange I know. With all this said, I am an ethnic minority and it would be hypocritical for me to rule out women of other races, so I am open to all. The key for me is that a) I am attracted to her and b) We are compatible personality wise. Right now on many of my dates I am finding one or the other and vice versa. Frustrating.

Isn't it fishy that all of these PUA and "Approach" programs are written by men and not by women, who know how they would want to be approached? Big waste of time.

Some, just don't have a lot of time right now

If meeting someone is important to you, it might be time to make time.

My guy decided enough was enough - he wanted to meet someone - so he went out of his comfort zone. He cleared his schedule a bit. He waited for the time of year he was the least busy to be able to have time for the beginning stages, etc. Either decide in this season of your life you are really busy and just meet someone if it happens, or if it is your primary importance, but yourself in the position to be seen/get met.

Have you tried Bumble? Many of my guy friends prefer it over bumble, at least less work for them.