I have recently become very needy and need to stop.

Hey everyone, I'm hoping some of you may be able to help me.

I've recently become very needy in my ldr, my boyfriend has spoke to me about it. I know it is putting so much more pressure and stress onto him. I have been going through a tough time emotionally for the last few weeks and it's not really anything specific.

I feel the need to talk to my boyfriend a lot more and I tend to get upset when he doesn't want to speak to me or we have to end the call. There has been days where I call him back soon after, crying because I think something is wrong when he is just dealing with work stress and pressure and I am adding to that.

I'm seeing him on Monday and I am so excited but he isn't showing his excitement like I am.

We are completely in love with each other and I know that, I just need to learn how to remember that sometimes.

I don't know how to help this neediness and constant want to talk stop.

I'm not very busy at the moment with my university work load but even when I am doing things I still tend to constantly think about him.

It has been causing strain on our relationship and I promised him it will stop but how can I help stop it?

Can you get some of your need for venting/support/reassurance from friends/family?

What else is going on in your life? What are your hopes and dreams? What do you enjoy doing with your spare time? What would be left if he wasn't a part of it? Would the bottom fall out of your world or would it be but one pillar out of many?

Can you get some of your need for venting/support/reassurance from friends/family?

 

What else is going on in your life? What are your hopes and dreams? What do you enjoy doing with your spare time? What would be left if he wasn't a part of it? Would the bottom fall out of your world or would it be but one pillar out of many?

I try to. I just hate complaining to people all of the time including my boyfriend but it tends to happen more to him.

I have other things like I am at university studying to be a teacher. I don't do a lot in my spare time and I think that is part of the problem.

I hate the thought of not having him in my life

I also usually suffer from abrupt neediness when someone is more distanced. That turns people away though.

It's important to ask yourself some questions like 1a1a suggested and focus on your goals, hobbies, family and friends and also try to figure out what are your insecurities and where do they stem from (they often don't come from our partner, but from other past ingrained beliefs and habits). These are attractive traits in a person and one with a grounded life besides the relationship is usually more respected by their partner and able to have a healthier relationships. In this way your boyfriend is just someone who adds to an already great life and not a necessity. I know it's easier said than done, but the earlier you learn this and implement it in your life the better it'll be.

Another important thing that I've learned is that even though it's important to trust our partner a lot and them being also our friend, it's good not to treat them as our therapist. There are certain roles that our partners shouldn't take, like the role of therapist or the role of the close "girlfriend" (for us women). It's great and important to be able to talk to our partner about everything, but it's good not to exhaust the relationship with those roles I've said.

I'd also suggest some sort of journal to vent when you feel like contact him so much when you feel that you need his reassurance, and of course turning your communication needs to other people like family and friends. It's a good thing that he told you this, because now you have the chance to work on this.

Agree making him play therapist and baby sitter will drive him away. No one wants to be the center of your universe and feel emotionally drained by that. Learn to be a confident, interesting, independent partner.

It's time to find other outlets. Get more involved in your own life. Join clubs, groups, organisations, etc at college. Work out and get in shape to get out of your head and release emotions in a healthy way. If talk therapy helps find a college counselor.

Considers that ldrs are not for you and you need more realistic local and available in person dating, affection, comapny and conversation. Lack of all that plus lack of sex and hanging on a phone truly sucks...for both of you..

I tend to get upset when he doesn't want to speak to me or we have to end the call. There has been days where I call him back soon after, crying because I think something is wrong when he is just dealing with work stress and pressure and I am adding to that. I'm seeing him on Monday and I am so excited but he isn't showing his excitement like I am.

At first I was a little confused by the tittle of your thread, "how is it possible to be needy in an LDR?" I don't think you are being needy, I think you are insecure, hence the constant wanting to talk to your boyfriend.

LDR is hard and it's not for everyone. If you are the "needy" type, I suggest the two of you have a plan on maybe living in the same area. If not than I'm afraid, you are not cut out for a long distance relationship. It takes a lot of patience and understanding for a LDR to last and work out.

That being said, you are just going to drive your boyfriend away this way. I suggest, you find a hobby or go hang out with your friends. Do things you enjoy. If you say the only thing you enjoy is your boyfriend, then you need to seek professional help in regards to your obsessive behavior towards him.

Find something you love to spend time. This can be anything. A family member, playing games, reading, series, I don't know.. Think something you love and do it. This will make you think him less and removes the pressures on him.

LDRs require an ability to build your own life without that person, or the relationship won't survive. Consider what you'd do to build comfort and resilience as skills on your own as a single person, and then do those things.

Therapy is the place where we can go to pay someone to make it all about ME. Outside of that place we all function best when we can diffuse that focus and practice making certain times all about the people in front of us. That's what moves me out of my own way and helps me to make other people feel valued and important. I volunteer for them: I help with projects, join them on errands, help them with yard work, gardening, painting, meal prep. I take them to events or the park or shopping or shows--and I listen to them, not myself and my complaints. That builds bonds instead of eroding them, and it builds confidence instead of depleting it.

Generosity is not limited to a lover. When I'm with Mom, she's important. When I'm with friends, they're important. I don't use others as my emotional band aid, and skipping that habit grows my capabilities for self sufficiency.

Belaboring an inability to see someone or speak with them all the time builds the opposite of self sufficiency, it builds misery. You can do that if you want, it's not against the law, but as you've noticed, it erodes your relationships while digging yourself a deeper emotional pit to climb out of.

I'd quit digging and start climbing. Nobody else can pull you out of that without sinking into it with you and resenting you for that, so make it a private goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back to reach higher ground.

It's a decision.

You yourself know that this is pushing him away from you. You also said this has recently started, has something special happened? How long were you in LDR before this started?

Here are my tips

- get a new hobby, meet new people, sign up to a course

- make a list things you have wanted to do and start doing then on your own. Learn to enjoy your company.

- after your phone call, don't call back. Just fight the urge

- maybe don't initiate calls and text too much for a while. Send a good morning and good night text. Let him have the chance to miss you

Okay! It sounds like someone needs to back off! By that I mean you, not him. And not in a bad way either. I too suffer from extreme neediness. I know what it feels like to yearn for this person and not feel not feel like they are receiprocating. And I shouldn't use the term back off. It sounds so cold. I guess I should say stay where you are and don't move forward with the emotions. Sometimes when men are about to take the plunge and make the relationship super deep they will back off to take stock. We as women tend to move forward because we sense a change. But this is not the correct way to handle it. Be normal and keep the lines of communication open but mentally protect yourself. Men can tell when we're needy, and they do not like it!

Amen amen!!!! You are a gentleman (woman?) and a scholar!!!