I didn't give enough and now I've lost the love of my life

Hi,

So basically had my girl for about 2 and a half years and generally we were great. Any issues we had we worked through them and came back stronger, we went on our first holiday together and I had the best time of my life(so did she). But recently over the past few months I grew distant, I didn't put in as much effort as I should have and things deteriorated. I never really saw much wrong and tried a bit to do more for her but not quite enough. I never told her but I was suffereing mentally and I tried to bottle this up and keep it to myself as not to effect her as she has had issues herself and in doing this I distanced myself and isolated her when I shouldn't have.

Yesterday we was talking about holidays and all seemed fine then in the afternoon out of the blue she said she didn't want this anymore (over text) and that it was over. I felt broken the instant I heard it, I arranged to meet her next week to talk in person and to try and reflect on what went wrong and to potentially move it forward and she agreed but she insists that it is over. She loves me and I love her massively.

I had a new job and it wasn't going as I thought it would and I started suffering from anxiety and doubting myself. I didn't tell her any of this and it effected the relationship. I relapse my errors now and am fully prepared to give her my everything instead of doubting things. I just want to tell her of my issues next week which I never have and I'm a bit nervous as I want her to understand me. I just want to know what I should do to show change in myself and attitude towards her as I've come to the realisation I want to spend my life with her.

Sorry this is long, thank you.

I hope it works out for you. Be honest with her... I wish you luck!

My first question is, has she has already given you reasons as to why she wants out? You seem to believe that it's due to a period of neglect on your part but has she confirmed this yet? This is an important point because her reasons could be somewhat different. Sometimes you can go along in a relationship thinking everything is perfect when it isn't. The other person can lose feelings, or they can have been unsure about those feelings all along and sometimes you can simply not see it. It's important to be clear on the issues before you start looking for solutions that may not make any difference.

Assuming that the problem is as you think, you also have to be aware that demonstrating change can take time. A person may not be willing to take a risk on assurances alone. They may be reluctant to even consider coming back until they are sure that things will be different. If there is a chance for you both then it may not happen immediately.

The best that you can do right now is to meet up with her and discuss the situation. Ask her to be brutally honest about her reasons for wanting out. Tell her that her honesty can only help you in your attempts to improve yourself. Hopefully she will give you the full truth and then you can take it from there. Be prepared for the fact that this might not be salvageable. That doesn't mean to be overly pessimistic, just consider that you may realise the worst. The importance of doing so is to prepare for how you might handle that news. It is important to maintain your dignity, to not let your emotions get out of control. The importance of that is in your recovery, should things not go your way. You will find it infinitely harder to rebuild your self respect if you have thrown yourself at the feet of someone in vain.

How old are you two? Breaking up over texts?

Part of being in a healthy relationship is communications. You seem to be taking fault in this whole breakup. You suffer anxiety and didn't tell her. On the other hand, she could have talked to you and asked why you were distancing yourself. Instead she went straight for the kill and broke up with you?

Do you guys ever communicate? As in asking questions so you know each other's well being?

I know right now you are hurting and you really love this girl, but I think this break up might be for the better. She broke it up with you abruptly, she just broke your heart. Makes no sense to me, why you are the one that has to change to stay with her? Do you want to be her doormat for the rest of your life? To me, if someone breaks up with me, it's final. There's no point in changing their minds. I don't expect them to. You don't just break someone's heart out of thin air. Whatever her reason's are, I think you need to accept it. Go no contact, work on your self esteem.

My first question is, has she has already given you reasons as to why she wants out? You seem to believe that it's due to a period of neglect on your part but has she confirmed this yet? This is an important point because her reasons could be somewhat different. Sometimes you can go along in a relationship thinking everything is perfect when it isn't. The other person can lose feelings, or they can have been unsure about those feelings all along and sometimes you can simply not see it. It's important to be clear on the issues before you start looking for solutions that may not make any difference.

 

Assuming that the problem is as you think, you also have to be aware that demonstrating change can take time. A person may not be willing to take a risk on assurances alone. They may be reluctant to even consider coming back until they are sure that things will be different. If there is a chance for you both then it may not happen immediately.

 

The best that you can do right now is to meet up with her and discuss the situation. Ask her to be brutally honest about her reasons for wanting out. Tell her that her honesty can only help you in your attempts to improve yourself. Hopefully she will give you the full truth and then you can take it from there. Be prepared for the fact that this might not be salvageable. That doesn't mean to be overly pessimistic, just consider that you may realise the worst. The importance of doing so is to prepare for how you might handle that news. It is important to maintain your dignity, to not let your emotions get out of control. The importance of that is in your recovery, should things not go your way. You will find it infinitely harder to rebuild your self respect if you have thrown yourself at the feet of someone in vain.

Yeah she told me that I just wasn't doing enough and wasn't there or treating her like she wanted. Thanks for the advice, I went through a break up before and handled it wrong so I know to keep a lid on my emotions, I'm lucky in that she's a lovely caring soul who is understanding. She won't try spite me or anything it's not her thing

20, I know I couldn't get it either. But in her defense she tried telling me a few times but I was so pre occupied. I never truly reached out to her with my problems and that is the issue. I'm going no contact until I see her next week, even if it was as simple as leaving it, I don't particularly want to do that. Not just her but I was a part of her family ect. Will see what happens anyway thanks for the response

Thank you!

Thank you!

Keep us posted. Good wishes coming your way.

Sorry to hear this. What are the reasons she cited for the breakup. It sounds like she's been checking out of the relationship for a while now. What were the arguments about?

How did you 'isolate her'? Were there control or possessiveness issues? If you can't identify the issue from her standpoint you can't address it.

I distanced myself and isolated her when I shouldn't have. I arranged to meet her next week to talk in person and to try and reflect on what went wrong and to potentially move it forward and she agreed but she insists that it is over.

Cheers for the response, and no I wasn't controlling or possessive I just didn't do enough with her and saw friends ect too much and on an emotional level I never told her about my issues and how it was effecting me, as i started to turn a corner this happened out the blue, good thing is after 2 and a half years I know it just wouldn't be over like that over a text and I know she still loves me so the ball is in my court to salvage something, just got to show I can be there and do things for her I just don't know want what course of action to take like go for it or ease into it

Work on the stuff she broke up with you for, not 'telling her your issues'. Nobody dumps you for not dumping and complaining.

You need to figure out the real reasons before you meet with her rather than a laundry list of "I was stressed and didn't tell you" excuses for the real reasons she ended it.

I just didn't do enough with her and saw friends ect too much

Hi thanks for reply, I had some problems but I know what I've done, I didn't do enough with her and took her for granted, I didn't take her places or treat her and I'd place her below my job and friends. I've seen this now and all I wanna do is put it right and spend all my time with her. Don't know what you've got until it's gone.

Hi thanks for reply, I had some problems but I know what I've done, I didn't do enough with her and took her for granted, I didn't take her places or treat her and I'd place her below my job and friends. I've seen this now and all I wanna do is put it right and spend all my time with her. Don't know what you've got until it's gone.

I hope you get another chance with her. In the meantime, build a life that is worthy of her and you. Go to those places by yourself. Scope them out and enjoy yourself. Live your life and leave a space for her and healing. Become stronger so you can be a real partner next time around. Work on those things and then Forgive yourself for how you treated her. Perhaps in time you will get a chance to get her back and make it right.

If you don't get her back, know that you tried and your love for her made you a better person. That's a gift that she gave you.

I hope you never have to go through this again. And the next time you are with her (if it works out) or a new person, you will be together and happy for the long term.

Just be honest with her and don't forget to pray! If it meant to be, it will be. Goodluck

Thank you very much for all your kind words and advice!

""Yesterday we was talking about holidays and all seemed fine then in the afternoon out of the blue she said she didn't want this anymore (over text) and that it was over. I felt broken the instant I heard it, I arranged to meet her next week to talk in person and to try and reflect on what went wrong and to potentially move it forward and she agreed but she insists that it is over. She loves me and I love her massively.""

Sorry but IF she loved you she wouldn't have broke up with you and told you it's definitely over. She's told you all you needed to hear...going back to someone who dumped you for "closure" or "win them back" is pointless and never works or if it does it's short lived. Personally I would go NO CONTACT and let her know and feel what life is without you. That's your only play. She'll come back or she won't ..but plan on moving forward without her

Thanks for your advice, if I'm honest I pushed her far and took her for granted. I know her and don't doubt for a second that she loves me. But I've hurt her and she may not come back I accept that. Just got to try focus on me and see what happens, no contact unless she messages me, I broke it since Monday today and she just told me she'd speak to me when she was ready in the week. No contact is a lot easier said then done, I can't eat or sleep and I'm losing my mind but thank you for the advice

Thanks for your advice, if I'm honest I pushed her far and took her for granted. I know her and don't doubt for a second that she loves me. But I've hurt her and she may not come back I accept that. Just got to try focus on me and see what happens, no contact unless she messages me, I broke it since Monday today and she just told me she'd speak to me when she was ready in the week. No contact is a lot easier said then done, I can't eat or sleep and I'm losing my mind but thank you for the advice

Keep working on ur plan to improve yourself. When u talk to her, tell her what you have done..not what you plan to do...to make things better for yourself and for her.

If u get the chance to see her this week, share those things with her so she can see you are serious. Empty promises mean nothing. She will want to see concrete examples of why she should trust u again.

Good luck. 😊

Thanks that's some great advice, I aren't sure what concrete examples I will have after a couple of weeks but I'm not going to ask for her back I'm going to ask her to let me take her on a date and start things fresh so she can see the changes I'm willing to make

I'm glad to see you have such a positive attitude about the whole situation. From what I read, you seem to care very deeply. I relate very closely to anxiety driving a wedge in the relationship. Make sure that you have those tendencies under control, but also don't blame yourself for the breakup entirely. It takes a certain level of weakness on her part not to help you through that process. Remember that your mental health takes precedence over making her happy.

I do not doubt that you can work toward something new and better. Just remember, in life there are going to be several events that create tension or stress. If you feel that you have an action plan to address these issues as they arise, then you may be ready to make things work. She obviously ins't looking to pry info out of you, so remember to address her concerns.

Hi thanks for your response much appreciated. I never really told her that was my problem with it all I should have opened up about it. She is hurt and upset and keeping her guard down and need to hope she opens up when I see her. I'm going to be as positive as I can and build a future, I aren't going to ask her to just come back to me and revert back to the initial relationship I'm going to try out forward the case of letting me win her back over time and easing into it.

Thanks for your reply I will take your advice on board!

Hi, quick update if anyone's interested. Met her and after 2 and a half years she claims she doesn't love me anymore, I said I understand and left it and won't pine but I know this isn't true because days before it all happened things were normal and she never grew distant. I hurt her and her guard is still up, she was cold like she never is with me through out the conversation but when it came to hugging bye she was stroking my back. I aren't going to cling to anything but I told her I was hers and if she ever missed me then to text me and I would be willing to work things out. Reflect and learn from my mistakes is all that I can do.

Hi, quick update if anyone's interested. Met her and after 2 and a half years she claims she doesn't love me anymore, I said I understand and left it and won't pine but I know this isn't true because days before it all happened things were normal and she never grew distant. I hurt her and her guard is still up, she was cold like she never is with me through out the conversation but when it came to hugging bye she was stroking my back. I aren't going to cling to anything but I told her I was hers and if she ever missed me then to text me and I would be willing to work things out. Reflect and learn from my mistakes is all that I can do.

You can't say that you 'know this isn't true', you have no idea how she truly feels 100%, only what she tells you/shows you.

She may still love you, i.e. care for you deeply, but that doesn't mean she's in love with you in a romantic sense.

My story sounds sort of similar to yours, in the end the outcome is the same though, we're both now single and need to move on and grow

Best of luck to you mate, things will be better whether she comes back or not

Alright mate cheers for the response

You're right I can't say that, I just know her and that wasn't her yesterday even till a day before the break up she said she loved me and would have done anything for me, I've pushed this by being cold and uninterested/distracted by other things, she's done it before bringing up this wall to not let her feelings out time ends up breaking it down, I've come to the realisation that if it's meant to be it's meant to be, I've showed my hand and told her how I feel. Now got to work on me and do my thing and see what the future holds.

Best of luck to you aswell pal