Is what I said passive-aggressive?

Hi everyone, I'd like your opinions on a little argument I had with my mother yesterday.

I want to know if my response to her was what you would call passive aggressive.

So on the phone yesterday we had a little disagreement. It was nothing major. However it was my mums fault and her reaction was over the top and completely uncalled for. The call ended with her hanging up on me. I was very annoyed but am in the middle of studying for final year exams so I just tried to get back to work.

So today my mum texts me when I'm in college and asked me to buy her something she needs.She ended the text with a blow kiss smiley emotion.

I responded with 'yep sure I'll do that. By the way, I love how you send me a blow kiss after you behaved like a crazy woman yesterday!''

Is my response passive aggressive and if so...is it wrong?

I know this is quite insignificant and small but would like your opinions because I feel I have a tendency to be passive aggressive. But on the other hand, I felt like I called her out in a gentle way that would not escalate into something worse if you know what I mean?

She did end up calling to apologize hours later so all is fine again.

Thanks

Charity

Yes anything that is both saccharine and hostile/sarcastic in the same breathe is passive-aggressive. In this case you agreed to the favor but laced in the 'crazy lady' thing. Her message sounds manipulative.

Yes anything that is both saccharine and hostile/sarcastic in the same breathe is passive-aggressive. In this case you agreed to the favor but laced in the 'crazy lady' thing. Her message sounds manipulative.

I think her message was her way of breaking the ice.

I'd consider it more facetious than passive aggressive, neither of which I'd necessarily "gentle." But with the latter, there's generally at least a pinch of subtlety.

Whether I'd call it "wrong" would depend on the disagreement and her reaction and whether I could empathize with you remaining a bit chaffed and acting snarky. What I will say is I don't consider it effective. In the interest of conflict resolution, most people would take someone being direct with them over a quip. If you two have an issue with communication, it's best to just put your cards out there. Otherwise, if it's an irregular occurrence or what was exchanged previously was incredibly inappropriate, I'd consider it better to let sleeping dogs lie.

I'd consider it more facetious than passive aggressive, neither of which I'd necessarily "gentle." But with the latter, there's generally at least a pinch of subtlety.

 

Whether I'd call it "wrong" would depend on the disagreement and her reaction and whether I could empathize with you remaining a bit chaffed and acting snarky. What I will say is I don't consider it effective. In the interest of conflict resolution, most people would take someone being direct with them over a quip. If you two have an issue with communication, it's best to just put your cards out there. Otherwise, if it's an irregular occurrence or what was exchanged previously was incredibly inappropriate, I'd consider it better to let sleeping dogs lie.

Thanks.

It is a regular occurrence if I'm honest.

The argument was simply her asking me did I call my (new) sister in law to wish her a safe trip (she's taking a vacation). I hadn't.

My mum's pet peeve in life is that I am not as family orientated as she is.

When I told her I hadn't she responded with

Mum-''hmmm you're not really acting like you're close with her are you. I can't understand you at all'

Me- There's nothing to understand. I just didn't think to call her, I mean I don't call her as a regular occurrence anyway'

Mum- You are weird. I bet if it was one of your friends, you'd all them! (voice raised, agitated)

Me- Mum. Stop. I am not you. If you want to call her then call her but please stop telling me what I should do.

Mum- I just can't understand you...you know what forget it, you're ridicules.

Hangs up.

So yeah, all very silly in my opinion. But these type of conversations are had once every few months. She tends to cry or deny any wrongdoing usually. The apology from her tonight was a welcome change.

It is a pet peeve with my mother that I am not as involved with my family as she would like me to [/i]be..

I mean... you're right, that's pretty ridiculous of her. But given this is pretty much who she is, is there any way you can kinda just let that roll off your shoulders? Not sure the argument was necessary at all. If you're above telling a white lie and just saying, "Yes, I called her," then just say upfront, "I'm not going to argue about this" and stick to it. I've been surrounded by Catholic women my entire life, so believe me, I understand the arbitrary guilt trips and drama. You just don't play into it. In your shoes, I would have told her I wasn't going to play that game and just said nothing if she kept going. Literally nothing. If she wants to talk about something else, she gets a response. And if not, you have to study at some point, so hang up and put the phone on silent.

I mean... you're right, that's pretty ridiculous of her. But given this is pretty much who she is, is there any way you can kinda just let that roll off your shoulders? Not sure the argument was necessary at all. If you're above telling a white lie and just saying, "Yes, I called her," then just say upfront, "I'm not going to argue about this" and stick to it. I've been surrounded by Catholic women my entire life, so believe me, I understand the arbitrary guilt trips and drama. You just don't play into it. In your shoes, I would have told her I wasn't going to play that game and just said nothing if she kept going. Literally nothing. If she wants to talk about something else, she gets a response. And if not, you have to study at some point, so hang up and put the phone on silent.

Interesting. She is strongly Catholic. But so is everyone in my country.

Yep I do the silent thing sometimes, but it can get very tense and I think she takes my silence as permission to go on and on....

White lies...hmmm, it wouldn't occur to me to do that. Easy option but wouldn't sit right with me.

I think the straight up 'I'm not doing this' is probably the most effective. If I'm consistent enough maybe she'll eventually cut it out, although I should probably stop waiting for that.

Cheers for the advice J.man,

I'm getting back to the study now

Your response was sarcastic and insincere, but I don't think it was passive aggressive. It was a clear jab. I mean, I'm sure your mom knows you well enough to know that you don't love how she blew you a kiss after she acted like a crazy woman. Passive aggression is the opposite of overt. It's forgetting to pick up milk because you resent being asked. Or doing a bad job cleaning the bathroom because you don't want to do chores. It's calculated to avoid conflict: "I forgot." Or "I guess I'm no good at this." The burden of proof shifts and the other person is at at loss to prove that you didn't forget, or that you're really good at cleaning bathrooms.

Your mom reminds me of my mom. Except my mom wouldn't send the kissy face. She'd just stop talking to me for weeks and 'forget' to update me about important family events (passive aggressive).

These are the times when the art of changing the subject comes in handy.

For example, mom starts in with "Did you…You don't….You're weird, ridiculous, etc." maybe deflect and detour with "I love you, Mom. (pause) Hey, how's your garden doing?" (Switch to her talking about things good in her life, things she's exploring, enjoying, or doing that boosts her sense of well being and self-worth.) Like you say, she is who she is, but like j.man said, you don't have to go into messy territory with her. Bring her back into the sunlight, so to speak, without taking a defensive path.

Your response was sarcastic and insincere, but I don't think it was passive aggressive. It was a clear jab. I mean, I'm sure your mom knows you well enough to know that you don't love how she blew you a kiss after she acted like a crazy woman. Passive aggression is the opposite of overt. It's forgetting to pick up milk because you resent being asked. Or doing a bad job cleaning the bathroom because you don't want to do chores. It's calculated to avoid conflict: "I forgot." Or "I guess I'm no good at this." The burden of proof shifts and the other person is at at loss to prove that you didn't forget, or that you're really good at cleaning bathrooms.

 

Your mom reminds me of my mom. Except my mom wouldn't send the kissy face. She'd just stop talking to me for weeks and 'forget' to update me about important family events (passive aggressive).

Oh that's interesting. You've described it in a way that I understand it better. Yes my mum absolutely knew that it was a jab.

At exam time I always need my mums help with my children a bit more and I think that that's her key to start getting more interfering.

At exam time I always need my mums help with my children a bit more and I think that that's her key to start getting more interfering.

It's tough, because so often it comes from a good place. At least it begins that way. Then something short-circuits and everyone ends up feeling bad.

But I like what JourneyNow suggested about sidestepping and changing the subject. I only wish that I could pull off that sort of Jedi mindtrick.

These are the times when the art of changing the subject comes in handy.

 

For example, mom starts in with "Did you…You don't….You're weird, ridiculous, etc." maybe deflect and detour with "I love you, Mom. (pause) Hey, how's your garden doing?" (Switch to her talking about things good in her life, things she's exploring, enjoying, or doing that boosts her sense of well being and self-worth.) Like you say, she is who she is, but like j.man said, you don't have to go into messy territory with her. Bring her back into the sunlight, so to speak, without taking a defensive path.

Yes,I will say I get so annoyed by her. I try not to but ....to no avail. And I honestly hate to reward this type of behavior with saying 'i love you' (well we're Irish, we don't say that anyway). But on the other hand, yes I get it, you're right. I do love her and maybe I need to help her out of it by bringing her into the sunlight as you say. Thanks!

Why not just say no , I won't pick it up. ?

Why just dredge up stuff from yesterday ? If you're pissy and annoyed just say no .

Why not just say no , I won't pick it up. ?

Why just dredge up stuff from yesterday ? If you're pissy and annoyed just say no .

Yikes, is that what you would do in my shoes?

It would take me a whole personality change to do that I think.

Yikes, is that what you would do in my shoes?

 

It would take me a whole personality change to do that I think.

Well, I would say I'm pretty straightforward. I was fairly pretty codependent with my mother for a long time even when I was far away from her . Several years in therapy I learned to detangle myself from her . So now I've learned not to bend to the things I don't want to do . And say when I don't like what somebody's saying or their attitude . Even with my mom . I love my mom to bits don't get me wrong and a lot of the time I wish I lived closer to her , but if I don't want to do something I just say no . But try to avoid dredging up past stuff.

I think that you were quite direct. Your mother was very rude for hanging up, and disrespectful for what she said.

Next time, maybe you two can discuss the issues in a better manner.