She Came Back. Didn't Work. Now What

So my story is we dated for a year until January. She left because she was depressed, had some eating issues, lost her job, and couldn't commit. I was devastated. But I moved on. 2 months later she sent me a letter returning a receipt I had left at her place, and she said she missed me. I texted her to catch up, and she said she wanted to try again. We met up in early/mid March and have been seeing each other until this past weekend, so about 6 weeks. I was still hurt and was having trouble getting close to her again. We had sex a few times over that period and met for dinner and hanging out either at my place or her's maybe twice a week. Many times after having a nice evening she wouldn't invite me back and said she was too having trouble getting back to our original intimacy level.

I texted her Sunday and said maybe we should stop seeing each other, and she agreed. I was sort of a jerk to her over text. THen yesterday I woke up and totally regretted my decision and I emailed her and spilled my guts and said I was wrong and that I was just scared but that I did love her and I want to move to the next level and try again. She responded with this:

"Hi-

I really appreciate your note and your sincere apology and thoughts around our relationship. I believe all of it, I really do. And I am not angry at how you acted yesterday, it happened, you apologized so it's fine and water under the bridge. We aren't ending in this sad tragic way, let's just forget that happened. I don't want that to be how we end either.

There is so much I love about you as well which I have shared with you both recently and in the past. However, there is a lack of commitment on my end and a lack of ability/desire to connect physically. I enjoy the time we spend together but over the last 4-6 weeks that we have been hanging out it hasn't progressed how I would have hoped it would have. Part of that could be me, part could be you, and part could be the break we took just affected our overall energy/connection.

You were a great boyfriend and I will always be grateful for that. Let's part ways calmly and kindly. You take care of yourself and you will find someone who is everything you deserve.

We need to end this once and for all...there is nothing left to say. I'm sorry."

Now I'm back to square one and feel like I blew it by being distant and not being better. What does everyone think? Is this over? I can't contact her anymore to push her away. She may contact me again but she seems very cold and over it. Who knows? Thoughts everyone? Thank you. Been very sad today.

It's done. It's over. There is nothing you can do..

You need to understand what she said: "We need to end this once and for all...there is nothing left to say. I'm sorry."

Ouch, I am sorry that this happened to you.

It was like she ripped the scab right off and doubled the hurt.

But, at the very least, she ended it rather nicely and not cruelly.

I think she does love you & care for you, but she is saying that her lack of commitment is what is holding her back.

The question is - is her lack of commitment a problem that she needs to work on, or can she just not commit to you?

Either way - I'd go 110% NC and remove all reminders, social media accounts, phone information, etc from your life. She has done enough damage herself, don't need any more self-inflicted damage.

Good luck with your healing.

Thanks for the replies. Well her lack of commitment was the original issue, and we just haven't progressed much in the last 4-6 weeks. I'm finally seeing clearer, maybe it's the thought of losing her for good, but I do think I'm in a place where I can commit to her. Me not committing to her may have been what ultimately pushed her back. Sunday's argument obviously didn't help matters. We had a fight in December where she said she wanted to break up for good, and we got past that, she was just angry at the time. Maybe that's how she's feeling now and she just needs some time to cool off? She finally knows how I feel, as I wrote her yesterday and said I loved her and was ready to make it work. I hadn't said that before.

Stop doing this to yourself. She said it is over. Respect what you are being told. I'm certain she knows her own mind!

Accept it, or you are going to torture yourself, for months to come.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like she has a lot of issues and many which she admits to. What does she mean by "can't commit" and "hasn't progressed"? Were you exclusive? Was there a disagreement about moving in together or some other "commitment"?

All you can do is give her some space and go no contact.

She left because she was depressed, had some eating issues, lost her job, and couldn't commit. "there is a lack of commitment on my end and a lack of ability/desire to connect physically. I enjoy the time we spend together but over the last 4-6 weeks that we have been hanging out it hasn't progressed how I would have hoped it would have"

In January when we truly broke up, we had been at the stage where we were looking to move in together. She's previously divorced and was screwed up over the no job and the eating disorder stuff. She always loved me but she just was always wavering and finally thought it wasn't fair to me. It hurt but I understood. I dusted myself off and was progressing.

Fast forward to beginning of March, she reached out, and I decided it was genuine and maybe she realized what she lost and I reached back out to her. We had dinner that evening. We got along well, although I was VERY wary of her and how she left me prior. We saw each other again that week, then again, then again and had sex. She started saying that she wants to get back with me, she can commit now, she can't stop thinking about me, etc.

I was flattered but still so unsure. She hurt me before and I was like, we have to take this slow, etc etc. Meanwhile I was also worried about what my parents would think, they were hurt too when she broke up with me in January and wanted me to find someone else, so I was a little nervous to tell them I was starting to see her again, etc. All of this was holding me back from jumping right back in.

We saw each other like this for another 6 weeks. Her coming over, us going out, I wasn't seeing anyone else, nor was she. But it just didn't really "progress." I didn't say I love you let's get back, it was just us texting during the day "how's your day, how's everything, etc." Then this past week it kind of came to a head, she said that I was just saying surface things, wasn't all that engaged, she thought it was one sided with her putting in all the effort. I said no, I want to make more of an effort, and we went out Friday night, four days ago. We had a nice dinner but she didn't invite me back and we parted ways for the night. Then on Sunday I called her out and was like what's the deal here, maybe it isn't working and she said OK I agree basically. Then yesterday I said I didn't want to stop seeing her and she replied with the email that I posted above.

To answer your questions, she didn't think that we were moving forward during this reconciliation over the last 6 weeks, for whatever reason, and she hoped it would have been smoother.

I'm sorry, but it sounds like she has a lot of issues to deal with, including the divorce. How long had she been divorce? before you got together?

She was separated when we got together, divorced finalized a few months in, maybe in like April of 2016 or something it was finalized, and we started seeing each other October 2015. She separated with him in February of 2015. So he never was around or a part of her life. I agree that she was affected by the divorce, but she definitely wasn't still in love with him or anything like that. And we had a pretty great relationship up until our breakup. The only reason why I'm searching for hope right now in the current reconciliation failure situation is because she wanted the reconciliation more than me from the start 6 weeks ago. She wanted to become official again. I just wasn't all there, partly because my trust for her was damaged. Now that I want to be all there, she doesn't want to talk anymore. I don't know if she's just angry with me or if she truly means it. Like I said, even though she said "this is it once and for all" she said that before during a random fight last year and we fixed it the next day. She could just need some time to cool off and absorb what I told her yesterday, that I love her and it was my fault the reconciliation didn't progress as well as she hoped.

People make certain decisions because of themselves, not because of anyone else.

Internalize that^

It gets easier. Do not bombard her phone with texts etc. implement no communication immediately.

YOU deserve someone who WANTS to be with you, bottom line.

Seek a councilor 1-2 times a week if you feel you need 3rd party thoughts

That's a huge part of the problem, she had no time to process the divorce. The relationship had no chance.

She needs counseling and time to deal with her eating disorder and divorce. You need to walk away from this. She needs a lot of time to heal.

Lastly, do not get involved with someone fresh out of a relationship, as it will result in you being a rebound. She should not have been dating , until at least a year out of her divorce.

By blaming yourself, you are failing to acknowledge that she does not want a relationship with you. There is nothing you can do. She is done.

She left because she was depressed, had some eating issues, lost her job, and couldn't commit.

- This is what you need to remember.

Yes, you two went there again-- but sadly, it's not there Im sorry.

Often 2nd time around is no improvement.. for reason's.

Like, the pains of original BU.

Reason's for the BU-- has anything changed there? .. often is.. No.

and feeling's are lessened ( not as strong as first round).

Best now to work on YOU. On getting better from all of this.. and accepting what's done, is done now.

Time to work on 'accepting', things won't work out with you two.

And Im glad she never took your reaction too badly- but more, understood.

You didn't totally blow it... It takes TWO to make things work.

You feel you had some issue's? Well, so did she-- and you two aren't 'compatible'.

So, take some down time to work on healing.. and moving on with your life.

Tc

Does everyone basically feel that this situation is hopeless?

She's unemployed, she struggles with eating disorders, she's recently divorced and this is how she describes it:

"there is a lack of commitment on my end and a lack of ability/desire to connect physically. We need to end this once and for all...there is nothing left to say. I'm sorry."

Does everyone basically feel that this situation is hopeless?

SHE said it's over. Not us. We're just going by what she herself said to you.

If you try to convince her she's wrong, you're disregarding her wishes in favor of what YOU want. How do you think that will go over with her?

Once you accept her wishes, you can start moving on, which is what's best for you.

Does everyone basically feel that this situation is hopeless?

She wrote you the best break up letter ever. She was mature and open. She was honest and clear. She didn't give you false hope. She wanted to end on a positive note. She didn't want bad feelings or guilt to linger. She didn't disappear without a trace.

Breakups are never fun or good. But the worst is when the other person disappears and you are left with no idea of what happened or why they left. People treat each other that way all the time and I think it's cruel and heartless and selfish.

She didn't do that to you. She spoke her peace and told you the straight truth. But still it's hurtful that it is over and you are going to have to process that pain.

Let. Her. Go.

It's over.

I'm so sorry ..... Because I know you still love her. And I know your heart is going to ache for a long time over this.

Sending you love and light and a peaceful heart.