How to stop being clingy/needy

Hi guys

I've been learning a lot about myself and need some help and advice from others on here. I feel like lately guys are only attracted to me physically...whether I go to the mall or the coffee shop i usually get attention and compliments from guys but when i get to know the guys, i get attached if i end up liking him and feel some neediness inside of me starting to form. i want to be able to not get attached or start getting clingy. does this have anything to do with my self esteem? how do I work on it? usually guys will tell me "oh you probably can get any guy you want and you probably do all of the breaking up" but it feels like i'm always the one getting left behind. deep down I have standards but how do i voice them without hoping the guy won't go away. maybe i just attract the wrong type of guys? there are so many guys that try to talk to me but only a few i end up giving my number to. i end up giving them my number because in a way i'm attracted to them physically and the vibe they're giving off. however it feels like something changes then....i feel like i'm not being taken seriously. I'm starting to lose hope here...thinking it's something to do with me. Guys i've been in long term relationships have always told me i had an amazing personality and it's not just my looks, but since my last relationship which was a long time go i've been dating and it's been dead end after dead end

I used to be like that, I had poor self esteem and I wasn't one of the pretty, popular girls. So any guy that paid attention to me - well I did get clingy and sort of needy and I knew it was wrong and it never got me anywhere. Ultimately I grew up and matured and got over it. I think it's part of the maturing process and it takes time to be comfortable with yourself and know who you are. I cant give you a magic formula to get past it, I think time will help you resolve it as you get older.

Have more confidence and eliminate a guy out of your life if he isn't a good person/personality. Physical attraction will only last so long. A good personality/Character is the difference between a hookup and a long term relationship. Ask questions while dating somebody so you can really get to know them.

Good luck.

If a stranger is that bold to hit on you in a public place, to me that rings of a player. They do it so often, it comes easily to them. I'd suggest you expand the places to meet guys, and hopefully they will end up being of higher quality. It'll also involve being proactive about your goal instead of just letting the guys solely pick you.

Meetups.com has local groups, some for singles in a particular age group. Choose the ones that involve physical activity that guys seek out, like hiking, kayaking, attending local festivals, etc. Join a co-ed sports team. Participate in a community environmental clean-up. Do volunteer work at a local zoo or museum, etc. These are stress free ways to meet men. Ways to be less clingy is to always keep an independent life besides having a bf, and taking the relationship with a day-by-day, wait and see attitude. Think of yourself as the treasure. If a guy doesn't meet your needs and if he's not compatible with your dating and life goals, then it's time to be single again, so you'll be free when Mr. Right comes along. Take care and let us know how it goes.

It sounds like you are attracted to the classic bad boy image independent men who can talk to any girl and when you get attracted to them, and they continue with their ability to talk to women youg et jealous and clingy.

Perhaps you should give the guys you don't usually like a go. And maybe instead of having the guys hit on you, why not go talk to some quieter guy.

Giving out your number to guys who are picking you up at malls and coffee shops is filtering them by their interest in a hookup. Meeting guys by handing out your number is all about hookups and players.

Make sure you have a full life with goals, interests, career dreams, as well as friends, family, interests, hobbies, etc. If you met guys in less shallow ways in less shallow places you would meet less shallow guys who may not bolt after they hookup a few times or can't get an easy hookup.

If you met guys who got to know you first through groups, clubs, organisations, volunteering ,etc. Then you would be filtering for more substance. Go slow let them get to know you and with a full active life, you'll meet better quality guys and not make them the center of your world and get clingy.

i usually get attention and compliments from guys. usually guys will tell me "oh you probably can get any guy you want and you probably do all of the breaking up" there are so many guys that try to talk to me but only a few i end up giving my number to. i end up giving them my number because in a way i'm attracted to them physically and the vibe they're giving off.

If a stranger is that bold to hit on you in a public place, to me that rings of a player. They do it so often, it comes easily to them. I'd suggest you expand the places to meet guys, and hopefully they will end up being of higher quality. It'll also involve being proactive about your goal instead of just letting the guys solely pick you.

 

Meetups.com has local groups, some for singles in a particular age group. Choose the ones that involve physical activity that guys seek out, like hiking, kayaking, attending local festivals, etc. Join a co-ed sports team. Participate in a community environmental clean-up. Do volunteer work at a local zoo or museum, etc. These are stress free ways to meet men. Ways to be less clingy is to always keep an independent life besides having a bf, and taking the relationship with a day-by-day, wait and see attitude. Think of yourself as the treasure. If a guy doesn't meet your needs and if he's not compatible with your dating and life goals, then it's time to be single again, so you'll be free when Mr. Right comes along. Take care and let us know how it goes.

I do kinda agree with your first statement. I usually can tell if a guy is a player when they hit on me. The guys that i've talked that have hit on me are more reserved and they come to talk to me quietly. They actually don't even compliment me or anything...one guy talked to me at a similar place and i showed disinterest and he was so persistent he found my name through facebook and messaged me there...and that turned into a relationship for 3 years. I don't really volunteer a lot...i do at a women's shelter, so no men there. i'm mostly busy with school and in school library and most guys i see at my university i know a lot about them, so i don't feel interested in them. i would give other guys a chance, but most shy guys don't make the first move. sometimes i can tell when a guy likes me or is a little interested but doesn't approach because i can tell he's shy. a lot of guys think they don't have a chance. i do agree the mall and similar places are not places to meet mr. right, but i'd say a coffee place is not such a bad to meet a guy.

and yes, thanks for the advice on ways to be less clingy...sometimes i lose myself when i get to know a guy, i make myself too available and change my schedule to try to hang out with them. i give up with guys. not many meet my needs, but then i'm always told "you're never going to find one who meets all of your needs"...so that's when i try to be lenient.

It sounds like you are attracted to the classic bad boy image independent men who can talk to any girl and when you get attracted to them, and they continue with their ability to talk to women youg et jealous and clingy.

 

Perhaps you should give the guys you don't usually like a go. And maybe instead of having the guys hit on you, why not go talk to some quieter guy.

maybe you're right. i get attracted to confident guys who have great social skills, but if i notice a guy is full of himself and i do get the feeling he talks to a lot of girls, i usually don't give him a go. the guys that have approached seemed mature and more reserved, and that's why i ended up giving them a go. i'm usually afriad of being played or hurt so i try to be cautious. i would like for a quieter guy to approach me, but by now i'm tired of trying to chase a guy

only a few i end up giving my number to.

-Good move.

Be careful.. so you don't be messing your head up... getting overwhelmed with all these 'guys'.

You don't want a ton.. you want 'one'. One who is real.. and one who's compatible with you.

Just don't spread yourself thin.

Take time to work on getting to know them... dont jump in both feet all the time. ( self control, self respect etc).

Cause you will come across many who just want one thing!.... avoid those dawgs.

Guys i've been in long term relationships have always told me i had an amazing personality and it's not just my looks,

- yeah, and that has to go both ways... beauty is only skin deep.

I had a short term relation almost a year ago, but left deep emotions- damages Have been just dealing with myself since.. NOT getting involved again, knowing I've got nothing to 'give', being like this.

Thing is... we never really know what we're getting into... for at least a few weeks or months- til their mask falls off.

So- is just chance we all take. ( which is why I say tread lightly for a while, when you encounter someone).

If it's all getting to you, stop looking & wondering.

Won't hurt to take down time to keep working on YOU. Get yourself back together.

Then.. some day, you never know.. you might meet someone and something will click, in a nice way.

I used to be like that, I had poor self esteem and I wasn't one of the pretty, popular girls. So any guy that paid attention to me - well I did get clingy and sort of needy and I knew it was wrong and it never got me anywhere. Ultimately I grew up and matured and got over it. I think it's part of the maturing process and it takes time to be comfortable with yourself and know who you are. I cant give you a magic formula to get past it, I think time will help you resolve it as you get older.

i really do think it's something with my self-esteem...i want to work on it. i'm sure time will take care of it and i will mature, but i also just don't want to feel like i need a guy's validation or attention. i think most of the time i am confident and i do come off as confident to people, but deep down i have insecurities. i don't want to be attached to guys....it's the worst feeling. when i'm single, i feel strong...but when i start talking to a guy i feel dependent a bit.

only a few i end up giving my number to.

-Good move.

 

Be careful.. so you don't be messing your head up... getting overwhelmed with all these 'guys'.

 

You don't want a ton.. you want 'one'. One who is real.. and one who's compatible with you.

Just don't spread yourself thin.

 

Take time to work on getting to know them... dont jump in both feet all the time. ( self control, self respect etc).

Cause you will come across many who just want one thing!.... avoid those dawgs.

 

Guys i've been in long term relationships have always told me i had an amazing personality and it's not just my looks,

- yeah, and that has to go both ways... beauty is only skin deep.

 

I had a short term relation almost a year ago, but left deep emotions- damages Have been just dealing with myself since.. NOT getting involved again, knowing I've got nothing to 'give', being like this.

 

Thing is... we never really know what we're getting into... for at least a few weeks or months- til their mask falls off.

So- is just chance we all take. ( which is why I say tread lightly for a while, when you encounter someone).

 

If it's all getting to you, stop looking & wondering.

 

Won't hurt to take down time to keep working on YOU. Get yourself back together.

Then.. some day, you never know.. you might meet someone and something will click, in a nice way.

thanks for this post. i've posted all of this because the last guy i talked to made me realize he only wanted sex from me. didn't listen to what i had to say about my life or my day, but always wanted to get sexual. i didn't have sex with him, but did other things...and i wasn't pressured to do any of those things. but i turned down sex every time because it didn't feel right. i thought we needed more time. he ended it a little after that. so it made me think about myself...and i felt so silly i gave a guy a chance like that. i feel like i'm just another pretty face and that's it. they show so much interest at first and do a lot of chasing, then i'm the one who gets hooked in the end.

you're right in the sense that we really don't know what we get ourselves into until a few weeks or months in. i really think talking to these guys have taken a toll on my self-esteem.

When you meet a guy for the 1st time and several other times, have absolutely no expectations until he shows you he isn't there for physical pleasure. It really does suck to like a guy only to find out he is only in it for something shallow. W/the last guy I was seeing, it hurt when I found out he wanted sex, but I also went in w/no expectations, so it wasn't as bad as the last time. It is hard to find genuine people who aren't looking to get instant gratification. Takes a lot of experience and searching to find a semi decent person. Do not give up hope and understand that you aren't the only one out there.

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