Being on break

I don't actually know where to put this, since glass half full would see it in "getting back together". I don't want to get my hopes up though so I've been treating it like a break up.

Being on break!! How did you feel? What did you do? How did you deal? What was the outcome?

My ex and I tried getting back together, but all of his actions seemed to suggest he wasn't interested in me and I felt increasingly insecure and needy (while he burnt out from work and music and me commitments and went into a low functioning phase which just made everything worse). It all came to a head, not with a him saying "I don't want to date you!". But with me asking him to place himself on a sliding scale between 1 and 10 where one is close friend (we have been friends before, I believe we can go back to being friends again, I value the friendship with him) and 10 is partnership. He placed himself at 4. Definitely not enough to have a relationship on. He said he had gone up from 2 a month ago. (Introvert, somewhat on the autistic spectrum, I do believe he genuinely doesn't know what he wants, rather than is stringing me along). So I suggested a break after which we could reassess how we feel. 6 weeks.

Once it sunk it I felt like I had been dumped all over again and I was all cut up. But over the next few days I had a lot of really good friend interactions and I kept asking myself "what does my life look like at it's most awesome without him in it". Out of that I have some goals and personal challenges. I've been working towards them, I have been getting lots of good friend interaction in. I have a psychologist at the moment so I've been asking her how to cope (she is varying degrees of helpful, definitely not a silver bullet). One of the things the psych has tried to help with is not getting hooked on thoughts and feelings so I am free to do things which bring me closer to my values and ideals. I'm not always successful at that but I have done a lot over the last 3 weeks, being complete, as a single person, feels more achievable than it ever has before.

Still, I have placed myself in limbo land. I can imagine a life without ex and a life without my ex, means the possibility of meeting someone new. But I feel like I can't look for someone new yet, (even though we weren't even monogamous). I don't feel like I can turn my back on him as partner until we meet again and he says "I don't want you" (or, the much more likely "I still don't know what I want" which is as good as the former). And so, of course I still miss him. I haven't been contacting him at all, let alone asking to see him but sometimes we work together (a week after we went on break, god that was hard). And he sometimes sends me random messages (bread crumbs by any other name and I am doing my damn best to not read into them and clutch at them like the straws that they are. They mean noooooothing, there is just as much chance he is sending them as a friend as anything else).

This is a thing that hurts like a break up but I can't do the letting go part of the healing thing because in my head, this is unresolved, an unanswered question. (And yes, I know I could unilaterally decide to put this person in the friend basket and move on but if he reciprocates my feeling, I want to be with him).

So, ye who have experienced breaks, tell me your tales. I have two weeks of this to go and at times I miss him terribly and worry about what the answer will be when we meet again.

I've never believed in breaks. As far as I'm concerned, two people either come up with a plan to work on the relationship and actually make the effort, or decide that the relationship isn't the right one because of either incompatibility or deal breakers. You usually miss someone you've cared for who is no longer a part of your life, so I don't think that pulls any weight.

That said, you can't make the two weeks go any faster. I guess you've decided you're all in, and will be waiting for his answer. If he wants to work things out, give him concrete examples of what you want from him in the relationship, and ask him what he wants from you. If what you're asking for is reasonable, see if he makes the effort longterm. If he doesn't, don't hang around wishing things will change in the future. Make decisions for how things are in the present. If he can't or won't meet your needs, it's time to move on.

Unfortunately limbo is a place we put ourselves when we hang on with no definition. If you were not monogamous, why can't you move forward and date again? Is he dating someone else at the moment and just pushed the "pause" button in the form of a break?

we weren't even monogamous. I don't feel like I can turn my back on him as partner until we meet again and he says "I don't want you"

Wiseman - If anything, the opposite. As in, when we did try dating again I floated the idea of polyamory and he said ideologically speaking it made a lot of sense to him too. (Considering how intermittent his ability to Give is, I am not surprised he isn't asking anyone to count on him for all of their needs. Having said that, I do hope that yes came from a place of sex positivity rather than insecurity).

Why I can't move forward, I don't know, a little bit of my lack of security in this relationship making me reluctant to add more to the mix, a little bit of just not interested in anyone else. Even before we had the conversation where I asked if he still had feelings I had a chance to get to know a pretty cool guy. And when he expressed interest, instead of feeling delighted, like the drought has ended, I just wanted to resolve this question of do I don't I with the ex (this was late last year when our interactions had increased but I hadn't had any awkward conversations with him). He takes up too much space in my heart!

I'm not always successful at that but I have done a lot over the last 3 weeks, being complete, as a single person, feels more achievable than it ever has before.

- This is a good thing!

And of course you'll meet someone new.. we always do.. so many out there.

But, with this being so recent don't go looking again!. You NEED some down time to work on YOU again. Get back to 'good'.. mentally & emotionally.

Why feel the need to rush??

Missing him.. is normal... BUT,,, look at the facts. His importance re: you is low. Then don't go there .

Dont bother with the breadcrumbs... only holds you back... If it's done now, it's done.

You cannot be 'friends' until all those feelings are gone... so, best to have No more interactions, so you can heal now.

Being on break!! How did you feel? What did you do? How did you deal? What was the outcome?

I'm a rip-the-band-aid-off type of girl. In my book, a break is a relationship death-knell. I did sort-of try it once: my then-boyfriend and I weren't getting along and I said, "Maybe if we don't see each other as much, we will get along better." Well, unfortunately for our relationship, not seeing each other as much made me a lot happier and we broke up for good!

It all came to a head, not with a him saying "I don't want to date you!". But with me asking him to place himself on a sliding scale between 1 and 10 where one is close friend (we have been friends before, I believe we can go back to being friends again, I value the friendship with him) and 10 is partnership. He placed himself at 4. Definitely not enough to have a relationship on. He said he had gone up from 2 a month ago.

Oh no, a four?? 1a1a, this means No Partnership. For a partnership, you need a ten from him!!

Instead of a sliding scale, imagine it as contribution points. Let's say you each have up to 10 points to contribute. That's 20 points total for the strength of your relationship. If he puts in only 4 of his 10 points, that's only 20% of the strength of the partnership. That leaves you to pick up the other 80% of the relationship. Boo! A partnership operates at 50/50. There might be some slight shift back and forth, but a typical operating ratio of less than 50/50 is no longer a partnership. It's something else entirely, moving more toward parent-child.

Why I can't move forward, I don't know, a little bit of my lack of security in this relationship making me reluctant to add more to the mix, a little bit of just not interested in anyone else. Even before we had the conversation where I asked if he still had feelings I had a chance to get to know a pretty cool guy.

When I read this I read that you won't let him go because you don't see any other prospects you are interested in. Consider ending it out of respect for yourself and not because there isn't someone ready to monkey branch to.

SooSad - Thank you for bolding the good. Although I have taken this three month detour through trying to date again, I was single for over a year before then. Wanting someone to love and love me back doesn't feel like rushing, I feel like this is the longest I have ever been single and the personal growth is on point but it's hard not to feel despairing that no one will ever be interested again. Staying single hasn't entirely been a choice and it feels like it has been a long time since I have had reciprocal love.

Jibralta - It's not that we weren't getting along, it was that he wasn't prioritising me, possibly because of sensory overload but then again, maybe not. (Same diff I guess, there is a problem, that time apart may or may not fix). Thank you for sharing your experience. And thank you for the operation points analogy, I think that's a really good one. He says at the start he was at a 6 out of 10. And even then, he was putting in less effort than I was expecting/hoping for (thinking as I was from a place of 10 out of 10 want to be with you). As long as there is a discrepancy between them and I am higher, I am always going to be disappointed by the lack of effort.

Reinventmyself - I don't know if that is the case, I managed to let him go last year and there wasn't any one else. But regardless, ending it in it's current format out of respect for myself is good framing, thank you.

Giving this a little bump in case anyone else has stories?

i've never been one for breaks. it's basically breaking up but keeping you on the line incase they change their mind. it's stupid, and a waste of time.

it's like quitting your job and then coming back 2 weeks later as if everything is fine — it's not fine, you quit your job so why are you still here?

if your bf or gf suggests a break, they're basically giving up on you, but making sure you'll still be around later.

What if it was me that suggested the break to give him time to process?

I had hoped maybe I would be the one that realised apart is better with space but that does not seem to have happened, heart is still fond.

One week to go.

Jibralta - It's not that we weren't getting along, it was that he wasn't prioritising me, possibly because of sensory overload but then again, maybe not.

Actually, I assumed that the two of you got along perfectly well. I only sensed that there was a level of indifference that impeded the growth of the relationship.

It's taking my head a while to come around to interpretating that indifference as a terminal problem (hence originally parsing your post as coming from a place of assumed conflict). Getting there. It's ironic, actual bandaids I rip off without hesitation.

It's taking my head a while to come around to interpretating that indifference as a terminal problem (hence originally parsing your post as coming from a place of assumed conflict). Getting there. It's ironic, actual bandaids I rip off without hesitation.

Interesting how that works sometimes!