Masturbation while being together at home

This is the third time (and hopefully the last one) that I write here regarding the same topic. To sum up, I found out that my bf had been masturbating to porn throughout all our relationship (6 years now) and later I also found out about him fantasizing about other girls with the same purpose. Thanks to the advice received I have learned to deal with this stuff, although it still makes me uncomfortable.

He doesn’t want to discuss these topics with me and tells me that it’s not my business. Apart from this, we have an amazing relationship and I wouldn’t change anything.

Yesterday, I also found out that not only he masturbates when I’m not home (thing that I understand) but also when we are together at home. He usually goes to the bathroom and spends at least 20 min there everyday. It doesn’t matter if we had sex that day or not, he just does it. I tried to talk to him about this, but he gets angry and uncomfortable and denies everything or tells me I shouldn’t ask about what he is doing or not. This attitude tells me that I am right, since he has already reacted in a similar way several times. I just asked because I remember him telling me that he wouldn’t do that when being together at home since he felt it would be a lack of respect, but I guess he just changed his mind or that he didn’t mean that.

One more time, I am feeling neglected and this time I am more hurt than never before. Really? While being together? Is this something boys and girls do regardless their partners being at home? Am I really so naive or is it normal too? I can’t take more like this or I am going mad for real.

Thanks in advance…

Can you please elaborate on why this is causing you to feel uncomfortable and angry? Rather, if you are able, what about the situation is upsetting you, specifically?

Ok, My opinion might be a little too broad for your taste but here goes... when I was married I found out my husband did the same thing. I felt the same way you do. he was wiling to talk about it and he said, he just learned to take care of those things from a young age. Men get boners, a lot of time there isn't a wife around to help him with that. Maybe they don't even feel like making love when it happens, in those cases he just takes care of it himself. You can disagree with me, but I got to the point where as long as he spent time with me and didn't fail at his duties, it wasn't a threat, and I took no offense, if he wanted to masturbate.

Is the sex, affection or romance lacking? Address that and any other relationship issues such as "feeling neglected".

Trying to humiliate him like your his mom checking on a 13 y/o boy is nonsense. Do you think policing his time in the bathroom is a good partnership?

Have you considered therapy to address your need to monitor, patrol and control this like he's a naughty teen or a criminal?

He usually goes to the bathroom and spends at least 20 min there everyday. I tried to talk to him about this, but he gets angry and uncomfortable and denies everything or tells me I shouldn’t ask about what he is doing or not.

Does this affect the amount of sex you two have, the amount of affection he gives you? if not, then it is not really any of your business.

If every time he gets a random boner he were to harass you to help him deal with it, you would likely grow sick of it quickly enough. Sometimes it's quicker and easier to just sort yourself out and get on with the day. In turn, if we had to go through the whole process of warming up his girlfriend/wife, getting her in the mood, going through with extended foreplay, doing the deed and the laying about cuddling and talking afterwards, there would never be time for anything else. That is assuming she is in the mood in the first place.

Sometimes it is just to relax, release some anger, get a quick pep up for 5 or ten minutes.

I am not so sure why I feel this way. Maybe I feel that I am not enough because he looks at other girls to jerk off or maybe I think that I should be the source of all his pleasure and I feel neglected. Nevertheless, I know those feelings are wrong but I can't help them.

Can you please elaborate on why this is causing you to feel uncomfortable and angry? Rather, if you are able, what about the situation is upsetting you, specifically?

I am not so sure why I feel this way. Maybe I feel that I am not enough because he looks at other girls to jerk off or maybe I think that I should be the source of all his pleasure and I feel neglected. Nevertheless, I know those feelings are wrong but I can't help them.

Unfortunately only therapy can help you sort out this misconception and the damage it is causing on your relationship. Intense jealousy and the need to control and police his sexuality. No wonder he's losing attraction.

I think that I should be the source of all his pleasure and I feel neglected.

This is the third time (and hopefully the last one) that I write here regarding the same topic. To sum up, I found out that my bf had been masturbating to porn throughout all our relationship (6 years now) and later I also found out about him fantasizing about other girls with the same purpose. Thanks to the advice received I have learned to deal with this stuff, although it still makes me uncomfortable.

 

He doesn’t want to discuss these topics with me and tells me that it’s not my business. Apart from this, we have an amazing relationship and I wouldn’t change anything.

 

Yesterday, I also found out that not only he masturbates when I’m not home (thing that I understand) but also when we are together at home. He usually goes to the bathroom and spends at least 20 min there everyday. It doesn’t matter if we had sex that day or not, he just does it. I tried to talk to him about this, but he gets angry and uncomfortable and denies everything or tells me I shouldn’t ask about what he is doing or not. This attitude tells me that I am right, since he has already reacted in a similar way several times. I just asked because I remember him telling me that he wouldn’t do that when being together at home since he felt it would be a lack of respect, but I guess he just changed his mind or that he didn’t mean that.

 

One more time, I am feeling neglected and this time I am more hurt than never before. Really? While being together? Is this something boys and girls do regardless their partners being at home? Am I really so naive or is it normal too? I can’t take more like this or I am going mad for real.

 

Thanks in advance…

Normal in these times, but not good. He is a porn addict. Over time his addiction will impact your relationship so it is good to deal with it now before marriage and children. I strongly believe men become very inferior husbands as users of porn. Many men lose the ability to perform with their wives because of it. Certainly, aging will make matters worse and your self doubt will be worse when older or pregnant some day.

Is the sex, affection or romance lacking? Address that and any other relationship issues such as "feeling neglected".

 

Trying to humiliate him like your his mom checking on a 13 y/o boy is nonsense. Do you think policing his time in the bathroom is a good partnership?

 

Have you considered therapy to address your need to monitor, patrol and control this like he's a naughty teen or a criminal?

We don't have sex as muc

Is the sex, affection or romance lacking? Address that and any other relationship issues such as "feeling neglected".

 

Trying to humiliate him like your his mom checking on a 13 y/o boy is nonsense. Do you think policing his time in the bathroom is a good partnership?

 

Have you considered therapy to address your need to monitor, patrol and control this like he's a naughty teen or a criminal?

We don't have sex as much as I'd like but affection and romance are not lacking, quite the opposite. He's perfect to me, but I wasn't expecting this. I know I am doing wrong, I just can't help it...

Does this affect the amount of sex you two have, the amount of affection he gives you? if not, then it is not really any of your business.

 

If every time he gets a random boner he were to harass you to help him deal with it, you would likely grow sick of it quickly enough. Sometimes it's quicker and easier to just sort yourself out and get on with the day. In turn, if we had to go through the whole process of warming up his girlfriend/wife, getting her in the mood, going through with extended foreplay, doing the deed and the laying about cuddling and talking afterwards, there would never be time for anything else. That is assuming she is in the mood in the first place.

 

Sometimes it is just to relax, release some anger, get a quick pep up for 5 or ten minutes.

It doesn't affect the affection he gives me, maybe the amount of sex just a bit. I know I am not being rational and that's why I am trying to understand it.

Have you offered to give him a hand?

I'm sure he would rather you did it for him

We don't have sex as much as I'd like but affection and romance are not lacking, quite the opposite. He's perfect to me, but I wasn't expecting this. I know I am doing wrong, I just can't help it...

I think it's worth while to focus on what you want and need out of the relationship instead of what he can and can't do with his own body and time. If you want more sex talk about that. If you need for him to be able to talk to you better focus on that. But don't try and control when and how he jerks off. I would be a bit put off if I couldn't talk to my partner about masturbation without him getting defensive... but it also sounds like this has been a long standing issue in your relationship. If I was in your shoes I would be working on communication, better sex and making him feel safe enough to not feel like he has to hide a normal part of a adults life from me.

I am not so sure why I feel this way. Maybe I feel that I am not enough because he looks at other girls to jerk off or maybe I think that I should be the source of all his pleasure and I feel neglected. Nevertheless, I know those feelings are wrong but I can't help them.

I'd say your feelings are spot on. It is an addiction and mental illness on his part. Men don't have to behave like this despite what all the weirdos here say. Unfortunately, porn IS addictive to men. It is not just harmless fun.... you're being harmed aren't you? You don't need help, he does.

How often do you have sex? And how often would you like?

Does he know you would like it more frequently?

Also, how do you feel about yourself, in general? I personally tend to agree with his stance more, in that you shouldn't be trying to shame him in what he does with his own body. But, I sense this is tied to deeper feelings of insecurity on your part, so it's worth exploring how you perceive yourself as a whole.

I really believe that you can change your feelings. First of all you decide to accept this, then you make the effort not to feed the negative thought/feelings by thinking about it and obsessing over it. Then it will simply pass.

I truly feel bad for him that you are trying to make him feel shame but I am glad he is strong enough to not put up with it. I know you don't intentionally do it.

Of all the relationship problems, a great affectionate loving boyfriend who jacks off once a day in private.....is not one of them.

Especially if he's masturbating on the same days you have sex, it's obvious there's a very compartmentalized aspect to him beating off. No, don't dress up in sexy outfits. Don't offer to watch with him. Don't offer a courtesy handjob. You're asking for a sting to your pride. Let him squeeze one out on his own time when he pleases. He's obviously doing what's needed to be content with himself and it's on you to ask yourself if you can change your thought process to not take that so personally, particularly if he's not sexually neglecting you. Just because you two have mismatched desires for actual sex doesn't mean he's gotta meet you on it or forego the porn.

IF you so feel the need to have a conversation about it, I think the extent of it should be to ask him to explain the compartmentalization between bumping uglies and beating off so as to help you better understand. If it turns out it really is a case of him wanting to have sex but not wanting to bother you with it constantly, I'm sure he'd be more than keen to steer the conversation that way. But I wouldn't count on that.

 

Of all the relationship problems, a great affectionate loving boyfriend who jacks off once a day in private.....is not one of them.

Men that can't go a day dealing with a little sexual frustration without beating off, aren't men. Most of the world doesn't have enough food to eat. Sad that everyone believes the lie that men must have porn and masturbation to be happy. Ridiculous, actually. Read here enough or research and you'll see marriages fail because of porn addiction.

Ladies, trust your intuition. It doesn't make sense that men choose porn over you. They need help, not you. Kick them out or get them help.

I have a very high drive and I have to take care of myself a lot. I've been with my wife for over a decade and I might have to take care of myself a few times a week. Granted that my wife and I have sex 3-10 times a week. Doing it when your home isn't really a good sign. Also fantasizing about other woman isn't ok either. But if your SO won't open up to you about it that seems like the bigger deal. My wife knows and understands me so that's why it is fine. He does sound a little porn addicted though. Lots of stuff to deal with aside from him just masturbating. For those other comments, porn isn't the devil. I've watched a good bit of porn and much of it with my wife. I have never cheated on anyone I've been with. I don't have a disrespectful view of woman pertaining to sex. But if porn makes you uncomfortable and your SO is unresponsive to your concerns then that is a very big deal.

I used to masturbate while in bed with my boyfriend. He found it to be a huge turn on. The fact that I had such a strong sex drive was exciting to him. He didn't feel neglected or jealous or insecure about it.

I'm not saying you should be turned on by the fact that your boyfriend masturbates. But can you learn to accept that it's not something he does because there's something wrong with you?

It's unlikely he'll stop. He may start lying about it because he gets tired of arguing with you about it, but he probably won't stop.

Can you live with this? Or should you find a boyfriend who never masturbates?

Most men [and women] masturbate. Myself included. Some animals and most primates and monkeys do. It is no big deal. But why don't you ask him to do it with you? Do you perceive it to be "dirty" in some way from an issue in your upbringing?

That said, if this is so frequent that it interferes with him having sex with you then this needs to be addressed.

Why don't you sit down and talk to him about it in a calm manner?