How to leave???

I married someone on the rebound since my ex, someone I grew up with and I thought I knew him. I NEED to go off on my own to take care of my son who does not live with me. My current spouse likes my son, but that is all. He is all about himself and our relationship. He has a child and does nothing more than occasionally speak over the phone. If I want to send gifts to anyone, nephew, nieces, parents, my child, etc. can't do it. Why? Because all he can think of is his beer. He drinks all day, everyday. He has put us in a financial bind so much, he bounces checks. I am done with this.

We used to fight ALOT, because he wanted everything his way. What we do everyday, what we eat, what we watch on tv, listen to on the radio. where we go, etc. I gave up to stop the fighting, and he thinks everything is great and thinks we like EVERYTHING together. Everything I like, he can't stand or finds fault with. I feel like I lost who I am in this relationship. I feel like it's my fault the relationship is where it is, and losing my individuality.

We RARELY go anywhere, due to the fact he would rather stay home and drink. Drink and smoke, all day...everyday. IF we go anywhere, it is me driving due to the alcohol.

I do not currently work, but even when I did, it was me picking up the booze, doing the laundry, the cooking. He apologizes for the drinking, and says it will be better, but it never is. This past week he said, he is what he is. I know he went to rehab years before me, and that didn't work apparently.

I know from conversations how badly his past relationships went, and when I first moved in, I didn't have a computer and had to use his and I saw the nasty messages he sent to women who left him.

I do not want to go through that with him. I feel horrible about leaving him and worry what he may do to himself. But I do not want a confrontation with this man. Am I such a bad person for wanting to move out when he is not home? I need to think about me and my health and safety. I do not know what he would do.

He has never gotten real violent, but we have come close before in arguments. He says he loves me, but his addiction is killing us and I can't fix him. He says I can never leave him and he'd kill someone if they took me away. I want to take ME away. He will be beyond upset/stunned when I leave.....I am not interested in another relationship and he will think there is one, because how could it be his fault? He is so loving, lol. I bring him his food, his drink, his cigarettes, make his lunch for work, fix the computers, ugh, I'm a housemaid, with benefits! Right now the only other person in my life is my son and get this, my ex that I left who says he will help me get my things out of here because I do not have a vehicle. Oy!

I just want a normal life that isn't wrapped around a dependency on alcohol or me!

I dont understand why you even married him?

You should be out of there yesterday!!!

you need to leave asap.. find a friend or family member to stay with

I think I had rose colored glasses on. I see the good in everyone, and he was so charming, let me tell you. He tells me I'm beautiful and he loves me everyday, buys me flowers once a month since the first date, but it really wasn't until I lost my job that I started to re-access everything, and notice this isn't working. Lack of funds on my part really made me realize how much he spends on alcohol. I guess I feel guilty for letting the relationship go on for so long.

My main question is this....should I feel badly for leaving without him knowing? I'm afraid what he may do to himself. He is very emotional and very stuck on this controlled relationship that he thinks is so "wonderful".

You said that you need to leave to take of your son, right? Why not make that an extended visit?

you're not responsible for him. No you shouldn't feel badly, he is making horrible decisions and he doesn't care. hes codependent relying on you. Not healthy. what he does after you leave is not your concern.

Nice thought, but I do not want this guy to know where I am. He doesn't know where my son lives, nor do I want him to know and he would ask about an extended visit and would not accept me doing such a thing. (Ok, to clarify, my son is a teenager, not a child and I just found out some ongoing health issues with him.)

Leave as fast as you can. No kind gestures, flowers, or anything can make up for his irresponsible behavior

Sadsadgirl, you are wise beyond your years!

Sadsadgirl, you are wise beyond your years!

thank you so much! good luck to you.. read my thread on codepency and addiction it may help with you and some realization with your husband!

I think I had rose colored glasses on. I see the good in everyone, and he was so charming, let me tell you. He tells me I'm beautiful and he loves me everyday, buys me flowers once a month since the first date, but it really wasn't until I lost my job that I started to re-access everything, and notice this isn't working. Lack of funds on my part really made me realize how much he spends on alcohol. I guess I feel guilty for letting the relationship go on for so long.

Regardless of that he's an alcoholic who seems emotionally abusive towards you. If you feel so bad in the relationship you must leave before you lose yourself even more. You don't owe him anything, you're not his prisioner or anything, so you have the right to leave and fight for yourself.

It's better to get a friend to mediate everything and be present while you pack your bags and leave and stay at someone's house until you get back on your feet. It's great that you don't have kids with him, so after all is done you can engage in full NC. It's also probable that he'll cry when you leave, tell you he loves and showers you with affection and empty promises that he'll change for you. Don't fall for that. He's had enough time to change and solve his problems and it'll only happen when he really feels that it's time... and with you around I suppose that it won't happen. You can't change him.

Go away and never look back. After you have your housing and working situation in place it's also good to seek therapy to understand why you married him on a rebound and why you stayed in this extremely unhealthy relationship for so long.

Thank you for your kind post. It's difficult to do Monday morning quarterbacking to see a situation for what it is, while in the middle of things, working, adjusting to a new life and home. You see some signs things are going for the better, and then the bottom falls out again. Sometimes, time just flies by, busy with work or kids, and also you aren't sure how long it's been or even if you gave enough time for someone to take you serious to change.

This was my first and ONLY dealing with an alcoholic. I always thought when there were issues in a marriage, you try to work them out. I didn't realize there is really ZERO tolerance in regards to alcoholics....BUT...The lightbulb FINALLY went off in my head, saying, "WTH are you doing? This is crazy! GET OUT!" So, I am.

I just feel cruddy, feeling I am being insensitive to another human being so wrapped up in his issues, he doesn't realize the pain he is causing others, or maybe he does and ignores those feelings due to his loyalty to alcohol above all else.

I forgot to mention, I intend to go to some AA meetings myself to try to understand what I had to deal with. I've heard wives and girlfriends or significant others have gone because of how the situation affected them.

I know on the surface how this relationship started, I just need to find out why I put up with this lack of respect in my life, why I was disillusioned into thinking it was better than it was, or why I let it progress into me being a doormat, whether I was working or not.

Thank you for your kind post. It's difficult to do Monday morning quarterbacking to see a situation for what it is, while in the middle of things, working, adjusting to a new life and home. You see some signs things are going for the better, and then the bottom falls out again. Sometimes, time just flies by, busy with work or kids, and also you aren't sure how long it's been or even if you gave enough time for someone to take you serious to change.

 

This was my first and ONLY dealing with an alcoholic. I always thought when there were issues in a marriage, you try to work them out. I didn't realize there is really ZERO tolerance in regards to alcoholics....BUT...The lightbulb FINALLY went off in my head, saying, "WTH are you doing? This is crazy! GET OUT!" So, I am.

 

I just feel cruddy, feeling I am being insensitive to another human being so wrapped up in his issues, he doesn't realize the pain he is causing others, or maybe he does and ignores those feelings due to his loyalty to alcohol above all else.

 

I forgot to mention, I intend to go to some AA meetings myself to try to understand what I had to deal with. I've heard wives and girlfriends or significant others have gone because of how the situation affected them.

 

I know on the surface how this relationship started, I just need to find out why I put up with this lack of respect in my life, why I was disillusioned into thinking it was better than it was, or why I let it progress into me being a doormat, whether I was working or not.

Yes, going to AA meetings can be a good thing.

You're not being insensitive. I think he has more chances of changing by himself and figuring out his problems are destroying everyone around him if you leave than if you stay and enable his bad behaviour. Also if you're a mess you can't help anyone and I think now it's important for you to recover, help your kids and get free from this destructive cycle. This is a toxic environment.

I hope everything turns out well for you and your family. It will take strength but in the end it'll set you free.

Contact Legal Aid for a referral to an attorney to learn what your options are. It makes no sense to stick around and complain when you can form a plan, instead.

i still do not understand why you cannot use your son as an escape route. Don't tell your husband that it will be an extended visit. You said that your husband does not know where your son lives....so??? chi

Please read "codependent no more" because that's exactly what his habits have made you. I've been right where you are. Go get a job so you can be away from the house and have some stability for yourself. Then leave.

Agree you need to think of your child first and foremost. This means keeping your son in a safe environment and providing that.

See an attorney privately and confidentially and begin to takes steps to divorce him. Alcoholics ruin lives and you need to focus on being a mother to your child not an an enabler to an alcoholic.

I NEED to go off on my own to take care of my son who does not live with me. he would rather stay home and drink. Drink and smoke, all day...everyday. IF we go anywhere, it is me driving due to the alcohol

Thank you all for the advice. I was not on the fence about leaving, just about the way I do. After being laid off for 5 months, and looking for work daily, even getting input from the local unemployment services, I had been hoping to get back to work first, but that isn't happening, which I guess is a good thing and I can not wait any longer. He will not know where I work either. I do not need the drama. I had to wait for someone else's schedule to move me this weekend.

Thank you all for the advice. I was not on the fence about leaving, just about the way I do. After being laid off for 5 months, and looking for work daily, even getting input from the local unemployment services, I had been hoping to get back to work first, but that isn't happening, which I guess is a good thing and I can not wait any longer. He will not know where I work either. I do not need the drama. I had to wait for someone else's schedule to move me this weekend.

Have you moved out?

Are you talking to a lawyer too?

Good luck to you. Stay safe

Have you moved out?

 

Are you talking to a lawyer too?

No, I haven't moved out yet. I know if I did, I would never get my things. I'm moving out this weekend. No, I haven't contacted an attorney yet. I need to focus on one step at a time.

My hunch was right about leaving without saying so.

I had to bring him to the pharmacy today, and at the counter he insulted me, so instead of confronting him, I walked out of the store. Instead of asking what was wrong, he says, "You don't EVER walk out on me, do you understand?!" I think once I am out of here, whenever someone says, "Why did you do that?" or "What is wrong with you?" I will be very hesitate to get involved!

He says he is "A functional alcoholic". He may be right, but he has a dysfunctional attitude!

 

I had to bring him to the pharmacy today, and at the counter he insulted me, so instead of confronting him, I walked out of the store. Instead of asking what was wrong, he says, "You don't EVER walk out on me, do you understand?!"

Wow! What a jerk. I will be so glad when you are rid of him. chi

There's a hiccup now! I do not know how this will end...the person helping me to move wants me to leave during the day. The guy I'm leaving works nights, so he will be there and I will have to confront him. It is my ex moving me. This will not be pretty....

There's a hiccup now! I do not know how this will end...the person helping me to move wants me to leave during the day. The guy I'm leaving works nights, so he will be there and I will have to confront him. It is my ex moving me. This will not be pretty....

tough situation, but you are strong enough to confront him and leave him. don't let him control you.