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Thread: I have reconciled with my ex. Three and a half months no contact.

  1. #1
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    I have reconciled with my ex. Three and a half months no contact.

    Hi Everyone,

    So I've lurked and occasionally posted on these forums for the past near ten years or so, intermittently and between heart-breaks. I recall reading few romantic reconciliation stories and of those I did, the OPs all wanted to stem the tide of negativity by bothering to come back and tell people of their rare success. I know they too often supported the claim that reconciliation are under-reported and they happen more than we think...disclaimer: I don't know if that is true or not, and I am not saying that the following story supports it, but I did want to share with anyone who read my posts about this recent breakup a few months ago.

    I have recently gotten together with my ex-boyfriend. We broke up after 8 months of dating, in January. We had absolutely zero contact (no emails, no fb or other social media, no calls, no texts, no Twitter - absolute black-out NC). I am 31, he is 29. We aren't children. We were serious. We were long distance for part/most of it. I was dumped. I was heartbroken.

    This month, we happened to be in the same country and saw each other (as I thought we might, as we have many common friends) without planning on it, at a dinner thing. I was absolutely dreading it because despite having gotten over the worst of the breakup over the past three months, I also still had feelings for him and knew it would more than sting when we met up and I had to re-experience the rejection I felt when we split. The first time - it was murder. I saw him and he HUGGED ME. Like NOTHING had ever happened between us, we were best buds. I seriously wanted to cry.

    But slowly but surely, we met a few more times and he wanted to talk about things. I tried to avoid that mostly, as I thought he wanted to assuage his guilty conscience and I didn't want to discuss anything to do with the breakup, as just hearing him talking about it like it happened to someone else, or was just some mistake we made, was just going to be too hard. So I avoided it. But he kept pushing it, until it became clear that he thought he made a mistake (we both made mistakes), and he was very clear that he wanted to get back together. And so after a lot of discussion, we reconciled. I am extremely happy. I really do have some serious feelings for this human being.

    I thought our relationship was completely dead. I grieved. He never got in touch with me at all. He thought I didn't want to hear it, and I would never give him another chance. It was only after he saw me in person, that he felt like I wouldn't absolutely hate it if he tried talking to me that he attempted it. I can understand that. When you are in absolutely NC for such a long time, your imagination can give you quite the terrible portrait of the other persons feelings and potential reactions. Your chances of reconciling increase exponentially when/if you have direct, human-to-human interaction.

    Questions welcome.

  2. #2
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    Congratulations on the reconciliation and thank you for taking the time to come back to post; this uplifting story was what I needed on such an emotionally draining day.
    On another note, I hope during those three months you've both been able to work on yourselves and better yourselves. If you haven't done that, slow things down dramatically or talk things through with one another and help each other grow into a better manifestation of what you each would like to become. And, of course, enjoy this as much as possible. Not too often do people get second chances at the same love.
    Lastly, why didn't he reach out to you sooner? Was he just scared of rejection? Do you feel three months is honestly enough time for the both of you to have gotten past whatever went wrong in the old relationship and are able to overcome and start fresh? Did you guys fight or have breaks during the 8 months you were together? Best of luck to you both.

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    This is a nice story and I hope things work it for you two. So glad you shared it with us.
    I pray your heart is never broken again.

  4. #4
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    i really hope it works out for you. thank you for sharing.

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  6. #5
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    I do hope that this happens to me & my ex-fiance.
    We were together since we were 18 and she dumped me last month.

    She has been extremely cruel to me since then and has been completely silent. She has been doing things that she told me she never liked doing (going out & drinking, work trips, etc). Even our mutual friends noticed that this isn't like my ex! She also did a complete purge of her social media, every shred of me was deleted or un-tagged.

    Hope she talks to me and we can work this out, but I fear it may never happen.

    Congrats to you.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Hawnfawn
    Congratulations on the reconciliation and thank you for taking the time to come back to post; this uplifting story was what I needed on such an emotionally draining day.
    On another note, I hope during those three months you've both been able to work on yourselves and better yourselves. If you haven't done that, slow things down dramatically or talk things through with one another and help each other grow into a better manifestation of what you each would like to become. And, of course, enjoy this as much as possible. Not too often do people get second chances at the same love.
    Lastly, why didn't he reach out to you sooner? Was he just scared of rejection? Do you feel three months is honestly enough time for the both of you to have gotten past whatever went wrong in the old relationship and are able to overcome and start fresh? Did you guys fight or have breaks during the 8 months you were together? Best of luck to you both.
    Thanks

    Sorry you've had such an emotionally draining day. What happened?

    I agree that three months isn't a long time, but lord knows I have tried to better myself massively over that time - exercise, meditation, therapy - after this last breakup I was absolutely determined to not to keep making the same relationship mistakes again and again. So as soon as we broke up, I made it my mission to move forward, to feel all my pain, to not bed and plead: after we had our final breakup conversation, I completely stopped contact with my ex and went to work. I am not a changed person by any means, but I have had enough of a taste of change that I know that now I am back in this relationship, I cannot make the same mistakes as before. My life and happiness are my own responsibility. I cannot make someone responsible for that again.

    In answers to your questions: well, we've discussed the breakup a bit (not too much, because I don't want to re-traumatize myself, punish him, or get stuck looping over the same hurts again and again), and he said that he genuinely thought I didn't want to talk to him. In eyes, I wasn't interested anymore - so yes, he was afraid of rejection. Although this sounded extremely confusing to me - as I thought I was certainly the dumper - he said that he felt as thought we both broke up with each other. He said this because the lead up to the breakup I seemed so unhappy - nagging him and blaming him for my unhappiness with the relationship (which was actually an unhappiness with my life) - and we had been fighting a lot, when we had our breakup conversation and be brought up breaking up, he thought that would be for the best as I was certainly dissatisfied and he wanted to offer me an out. And I in turn thought that his bringing this up confirmed all my fears about not wanting to be in the relationship, so when he brought it up, I took it as his wanting out. I think its clear that both our relationship insecurities were really working against us, and confirming each others fears about being in one.

    I think getting some space so we can see these patterns has been really helpful. We both need to work on things, and I certainly know where my work is. However, I think the biggest thing we've taken away is that we need to accept and believe that the other person really wants and loves us. We have these negative beliefs that we both seek to have confirmed, and we look for the proof - so we need to get better at looking for proof of the opposite: that we truly want and love each other. Which is true.

    We fought leading up to the breakup yes - badly. We also had these problems throughout the course of the relationship, but it obviously intensified during the end. We're neither of us perfect, but there was no lying, cheating, or truly bad behaviour. We never said any horrible things to one another, and I think there truly was a lot of love and affection between us throughout the entire relationship, including the end. I never became vindictive, and there was never anyone else for either of us.

  8. #7
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    Wow, that's fantastic! Very happy for you.

    I was reading an old thread about those who feel they cannot fully go NC. The guy who posted it seemed to believe having contact (though minimal) is actually a good thing, AFTER a period of NC.

    so, question....my BF broke up with me in early Jan, then decided he'd rather have a break, than a full on break up. I admittedly did not give him as much space as I should have, so we met up about a month later, and initially I thought he was wanting reconciliation but I think he panicked and pushed me away, said something hurtful which made ME end it. I let about 30 days of NC go by before I reached out (I was pretty angry, and he's non confrontational so I knew I'd have to make the first move). That first conversation was GREAT. very easy going, not awkward. he did end it saying he thinks about me every day.

    However, the next 2 attempts I made were weird. Attempt 2, we had a great convo, but he left off right in the middle (which he often did when we were together, as he was at work. but given we aren't together, I figured he'd be like "hey, talk to you later"). Attempt 3, I contacted him about something he left in my garage. He gave me ONE reply. So I sort of felt he no longer wanted to be friends, and I decided to let it go. that was early April.

    Last week, HE texted ME. I think my feelings were still a little hurt about getting blown off so I kinda bit his head off. Not saying he didn't necessarily have it coming, but I overreacted and apologized. I then realized I overreacted because I don't know that I was ready for "friends" if "friends" meant hearing about him dating. I told him I didn't feel it was a good idea we talk anymore.

    He keeps telling me he thinks us talking is a good thing. I told him we had NOTHING tying us to each other. I told him if I were to continue talking to him, it's because I would expect it to lead to us getting back together at some point. I told him that it was up to him to decide if it's best for him....to continue talking, knowing what I want. He still wants to communicate.

    I feel like if he was totally against us getting back together, he'd cut off conversation completely. Am I reading this wrong?

  9. #8
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    Excellent news. I hope it continues to go well. It's given me hope. My relationship and break up sound very similar. 8 months together, insecurities clashing etc. But hes deployed for 6 months now so there isn't any human to human contact! I guess we will just have to see! Keep us updated

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by TiredOfDating
    Wow, that's fantastic! Very happy for you.

    I was reading an old thread about those who feel they cannot fully go NC. The guy who posted it seemed to believe having contact (though minimal) is actually a good thing, AFTER a period of NC.

    so, question....my BF broke up with me in early Jan, then decided he'd rather have a break, than a full on break up. I admittedly did not give him as much space as I should have, so we met up about a month later, and initially I thought he was wanting reconciliation but I think he panicked and pushed me away, said something hurtful which made ME end it. I let about 30 days of NC go by before I reached out (I was pretty angry, and he's non confrontational so I knew I'd have to make the first move). That first conversation was GREAT. very easy going, not awkward. he did end it saying he thinks about me every day.

    However, the next 2 attempts I made were weird. Attempt 2, we had a great convo, but he left off right in the middle (which he often did when we were together, as he was at work. but given we aren't together, I figured he'd be like "hey, talk to you later"). Attempt 3, I contacted him about something he left in my garage. He gave me ONE reply. So I sort of felt he no longer wanted to be friends, and I decided to let it go. that was early April.

    Last week, HE texted ME. I think my feelings were still a little hurt about getting blown off so I kinda bit his head off. Not saying he didn't necessarily have it coming, but I overreacted and apologized. I then realized I overreacted because I don't know that I was ready for "friends" if "friends" meant hearing about him dating. I told him I didn't feel it was a good idea we talk anymore.

    He keeps telling me he thinks us talking is a good thing. I told him we had NOTHING tying us to each other. I told him if I were to continue talking to him, it's because I would expect it to lead to us getting back together at some point. I told him that it was up to him to decide if it's best for him....to continue talking, knowing what I want. He still wants to communicate.

    I feel like if he was totally against us getting back together, he'd cut off conversation completely. Am I reading this wrong?
    There is no formula. I think the biggest danger with contact, even minimal contact, is that you can set up a new pattern of interaction between you that is not actually helpful to moving back into a relationship. The light contact becomes the new normal that prevents the deeper contact from happening again. With no contact, the pattern can be reset to allow a new thing. I think this is what happened with the OP. They both were able to independently process the relationship and form a conclusion about it. When they were together again, they found that their process of separation was similar, which then helped to bring them together again.

    In your case, all of this going on and on about "what actually are we" could really push you into the bad pattern territory from which there is no escape. This is definitely something I've been through. My ex toyed with me, some days acting like a close friend, some days like she wanted to pretend I had never existed. I think you should cut off contact unless he is actually ready to try getting back together. Who knows if he is actually considering getting back together, or he just wants to keep you around without having to date you.

    Hope things work out with the new attempt Casual. It's always nice to hear a reconciliation story!

  11. #10
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    congrats on your reconciliation op and thank you for returning to tell us the story!

    i do wonder, if you guys have not saw each other in person do you think it still would've happened?

    also, is there really a higher chance of reconciliation if both parties saw each other again in person by chance after a period of strict NC? i'm asking since i'm going through a break up (2 months NC) and we both go to the same college but i graduated. there are chances where i can visit friends at college and events i can attend that i know he will be at. of course i know not to purposely show up just for him since there would be enough valid reason for me to show up since we were part of the same club organization. there's also concerts that i know he will be at through mutual friends, would my chances increase if i went to the concert as well and bumped into him by chance? again i know to purposely not go just for him. it's just that this up coming concert is an artist we both like and have attended together before so it won't be weird if he saw me. i think i fear that our encounter would turn him off? our breakup/closure ended in a sad but amicable manner.

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