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I have been dating a guy for a few months. I lent him cash ($160) he promised to pay me back, he never. I am currently living with relatives, after studying at college. I don't have my own apartment. He does, but never invited me over his place is too messy. He is single. There has been times he has said he is too tired to see me. I felt like he couldn't be bothered with me....

He told me I need to gain weight but I have normal BMI. That I need to eat more chips, cake and chocolate but I'm into clean eating but not obsessively so. He is struggling to lose weight. He works long, long shifts but could make time to see me if he really wanted.

He seemed very controliing, telling me that I should this and that.

I decided to break up and told him we need to break, so we have. now he is begging me to take me back and asked my friends who all say he's so nice. He helps his folks, helps in the street if they need help.

I do like him but as a friend and he tells me he loves me and hasn't told people he knows that we split.

Am I being tight?

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I have been dating a guy for a few months. I lent him cash ($160) he promised to pay me back, he never.
He seemed very controliing, telling me that I should this and that.

 

This says everything there is to say about this guy's character. Good people pay you back and don't need to end up on a Judge Judy episode for you to get your money back. Good people are not controlling. "Nice" is a social strategy to get something, good or bad, it's not a character trait. People mistake that a lot, but helping his folks is something someone should do - but if they brag about it or make sure others "know" about it then again it's a strategy. Helping people across the street? Yeah, so what. Again that's a strategy, or maybe it isn't, to get something. Ted Bundy was described as a really "nice" person who was helpful to others too - if you didn't happen to be his choice of murder victim. Again, "niceness" is a social strategy, it's not an indication of character and it's not a part of one's character the way say black hair or being good at singing might be - an innate ability or thing about one that is just there.

 

So while it's okay to be happy that someone can uphold social norms and not act like a total douche in public, this is the baseline of simply what should be acceptable. If you think that's what makes a person great, then you need to aim a whole lot higher. It's like saying someone is good, because they can breathe.

 

And the red flags you list above do not tell me this guy is "nice" beyond a social setting. Big deal, again remember all those people we hear about in the media who killed someone, "He/She was such a nice person, I would never have guessed." So niceness, doesn't count.

 

What does count is what you see beneath the surface once someone is comfortable with you enough to open up or you see who they are. You saw who this guy really is, you chose to walk away, which is smart. Tell your friends if they think his social manners are something special then he's up for grabs and they can "date" him. Just don't lend him money and be prepared to tell him to go get stuffed when he starts in with what they should and shouldn't do.

 

And you don't date him. Also seriously, why are you "friends" with someone who wants to control you and won't even pay you back money? You may want to rethink the people you call friends while you're at it.

 

Kiss the "loan" goodbye and cut this guy off. He's the type of "friend" who will sink your ship with anyone else. Not sure what you mean about being "tight." I think you were smart to break things off, but you need to take that to the final step and tell him you aren't even friends, that friends don't "borrow money" then never pay it back.

 

And then you go and find other people to date, who are genuinely good people. And you say goodbye to anyone who isn't, regardless of what they say or how many old ladies they help across the street if they are treating you in a way that isn't so nice.

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No, you are doing the right thing! This guy never gave you the time of the day when he was dating you. He treated you poorly, borrowed money and didn't return it. That's a red flag! Who in the right set of mind is going to tell their significant other to eat junk food instead of eating healthy? Health is the most important thing and bad eating habits will affect your health a great deal. Therefore, he doesn't even care for your well being.

 

He's feeding you a load of crap about loving you and all that stuff. Forget what he says, go no contact. You need to be with someone whom deserves your kindness and whom cares for you. Whom values you from the get go, not after you break up with him.

 

He may be "nice" to other people and helping his parents, but point is, he's not nice to you.

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It's not about whether a man can change but whether a person as you described can make major changes in his personality and lifestyle- sure! If he was highly motivated, open to therapy/counseling and willing to invest a significant amount of time. In your situation I don't see that he has any motivation to change, so I would say no.

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Yes... he can change FOR WORSE.

 

Here you have clear signs of a potential abuser: the controlling behaviours (controlling your diet, etc), wanting your money, the "everything on my terms" mindset, etc. You dodged a bullet and it was great that you broke up with him. He'll try everything to get you back (typical narcissist behaviour I suppose) but you need to be strong and delete and block so that you can have full NC and move on from his web of influence. These type of person while you're in a relationship treat you like they don't care, but as soon as you escape their influence and break up they will love bomb you and beg you to come back because their ego, controlling personality and pride can't stand a relationship not finishing on their terms and initiative.

 

Consider yourself lucky because many abusers don't show so many obvious signs so early. These type of people tend to get worse and worse in the relationship.

 

Next time don't borrow money to someone you barely know and see it as a redflag if a man asks you for money under those circumstances. Good luck and keep strong.

 

Also, it doesn't matter if he helps his parents or homeless people, what matters is the way he treats YOU.

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Yes... he can change FOR WORSE.

 

Here you have clear signs of a potential abuser: the controlling behaviours (controlling your diet, etc), wanting your money, the "everything on my terms" mindset, etc. You dodged a bullet and it was great that you broke up with him. He'll try everything to get you back (typical narcissist behaviour I suppose) but you need to be strong and delete and block so that you can have full NC and move on from his web of influence. These type of person while you're in a relationship treat you like they don't care, but as soon as you escape their influence and break up they will love bomb you and beg you to come back because their ego, controlling personality and pride can't stand a relationship not finishing on their terms and initiative.

 

Consider yourself lucky because many abusers don't show so many obvious signs so early. These type of people tend to get worse and worse in the relationship.

 

Next time don't borrow money to someone you barely know and see it as a redflag if a man asks you for money under those circumstances. Good luck and keep strong.

 

Also, it doesn't matter if he helps his parents or homeless people, what matters is the way he treats YOU.

 

You have done so much for the OP with this post. I'm glad you know so much about the particulars of the signs of abusive behavior (sounds like from a professional perspective, hopefully not personal) and the way you wrote about it affected me and I'm not involved in any situation like that so I can only imagine what an impact it will have on the OP and hopefully motivate her to move on.

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Can a person change? Have you ever known someone to change? Yes, people change. But they do so when the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of changing. They must lead the change, and they will do it when they are ready. Attempting to change someone is a futile fool's errand.

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Can a person change? Have you ever known someone to change? Yes, people change. But they do so when the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of changing. They must lead the change, and they will do it when they are ready. Attempting to change someone is a futile fool's errand.

 

Such insight Mr. Sportster; I am impressed!

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I have been dating a guy for a few months. I lent him cash ($160) he promised to pay me back, he never. I am currently living with relatives, after studying at college. I don't have my own apartment. He does, but never invited me over his place is too messy. He is single. There has been times he has said he is too tired to see me. I felt like he couldn't be bothered with me....

He told me I need to gain weight but I have normal BMI. That I need to eat more chips, cake and chocolate but I'm into clean eating but not obsessively so. He is struggling to lose weight. He works long, long shifts but could make time to see me if he really wanted.

He seemed very controliing, telling me that I should this and that.

I decided to break up and told him we need to break, so we have. now he is begging me to take me back and asked my friends who all say he's so nice. He helps his folks, helps in the street if they need help.

I do like him but as a friend and he tells me he loves me and hasn't told people he knows that we split.

Am I being tight?

 

In your case, it's not a question of whether he can change, but whether you should give him the chance to change. The answer is clearly "no". It's not listed in your update, but he appears to be an older man (or more experienced man), trying to mentally control you (younger woman).

 

Also, don't give in to his pressure in getting you back. Move on. There are better men out there.

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Oh gosh, run away. he sounds awful. takes your money and complains about your weight. good riddance. There is a saying, "If you give someone $20 and you never see them again, then it was money well spent." Consider that $160 well spent, good riddance.

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Thanks so much for your advice 😃

When I said to meet and told him I want us to break up he said "I'm not going to let it happen. I love you and I'm not losing you" then he hugged me so tight I couldn't move. I am of small build and he is a big guy. But I said it's not what I want. I told him I like him as a friend.. and that we will stay in touch, but that was because I was in his company and thought it best. No contact will be the best strategy thanks.

All the time he was telling me what to eat and that although I have a healthy diet he constantly bought pies, crisps and encouraged me to eat this fatty food. He is overweight and has a bad diet and tried to tell me what to eat yet he needed to sort his diet out. I felt smothered and controlled and rushed into a relationship with him.

I'm glad to have made the break. Though friends tell me he's a nice guy and he said he'll change words are cheap.

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Someone who'd take 160 bucks from you when you can't exactly afford to give it is NOT someone who intends to change.

 

I'd tell him that I adore him and can picture us together in the future, and that's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. If he ever decides that he'd like a relationship with me and he has the $160 to pay me back, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best, and I'll consider the 160 a small price to pay for tuition in learning to pick guys to date in the future who have no need to change.

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When I said to meet and told him I want us to break up he said "I'm not going to let it happen. I love you and I'm not losing you" then he hugged me so tight I couldn't move. I am of small build and he is a big guy.

 

This is more of those red flags that he has an abusive nature. Take this and the advice you've been given seriously and stop being friends with this guy. Also have the cops on speed dial and if he won't leave you alone, get ready to file stalking charges.

 

The more you write about this guy the more red flags of a potential abuser pop out. Using size to intimidate others is not a sign of someone who's been in the military and/or a big person - I know plenty of guys who fit those descriptions who wouldn't hurt anyone or do that - but the fact this guy does and you see it this early on is another red flag.

 

That holding you thing was his asserting dominance and sending a subtle message "I can hurt you." Get the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker, read it, and apply it.

 

Just so many red flags here it's not even funny and you cannot be friends with someone like this. He's looking to control you and dominate you. That's not love. That's scary.

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You have done so much for the OP with this post. I'm glad you know so much about the particulars of the signs of abusive behavior (sounds like from a professional perspective, hopefully not personal) and the way you wrote about it affected me and I'm not involved in any situation like that so I can only imagine what an impact it will have on the OP and hopefully motivate her to move on.

 

Unfortunately I know it from a personal experience and later from some more research. It's really hard to break free from these situations but it's possible. It's important that we are all aware of potential red flags if they come up and have our boundaries in place. I didn't always have them, but later on I think I dodged some bullets due to those experiences.

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Thanks so much for your advice 😃

When I said to meet and told him I want us to break up he said "I'm not going to let it happen. I love you and I'm not losing you" then he hugged me so tight I couldn't move. I am of small build and he is a big guy. But I said it's not what I want. I told him I like him as a friend.. and that we will stay in touch, but that was because I was in his company and thought it best. No contact will be the best strategy thanks.

All the time he was telling me what to eat and that although I have a healthy diet he constantly bought pies, crisps and encouraged me to eat this fatty food. He is overweight and has a bad diet and tried to tell me what to eat yet he needed to sort his diet out. I felt smothered and controlled and rushed into a relationship with him.

I'm glad to have made the break. Though friends tell me he's a nice guy and he said he'll change words are cheap.

 

There are people like these whose friends think they are great people and some people like these can even be great friends, sons and daughters. However, this man is showing abusive signs towards YOU.

 

This "I'm not going to let it happen. I love you and I'm not losing you" then he hugged me so tight I couldn't move." is a way of showing you his power and dominance and the "love you" is to try playing with your emotions. It doesn't matter if someone says they love you... they have to behave like they love you and have your best interest at heart... this man doesn't or he wouldn't want you to be unhealthy, he would return your money fast (and he would not even have asked it in the first place) and he would let you do your choices and be supportive of them.

 

I think that if you hadn't broke up with him things could have escalated and he could have become an emotional and financial parasite in your life. Yes, he could change but he'd need a strong structural change, therapy and high doses of self awareness which he doesn't seem to have... it'd be too risky to stay there waiting for such a huge change that could never come and meanwhile could steal your joy and self esteem. Does this seem like a good wager to you?

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