Wife No Longer Wants Physical Intimacy

It seems like I am in a relationship where I am the only one that has any kind of physical desire towards the other. We're married and have been together 20 years, we are both fast approaching 40 and have kids.

And I'm not talking about one of those relationships where you just walk over the other and expect sex. I'm talking about one of those relationships where you do everything you can for your partner and your children. You put them before yourself in everything, from making sure they have everything they have ever wanted, to making sure they are happy and supporting them however you can.

From sitting together in the evening, talking about their day. Even though you are the one that works all day, running a company and dealing with all sorts of stress... I make sure I ask about her day and what they have been up to. Holding and stroking her leg/hand as you sit together, I look for hugs and kisses when I can... I'm not perfect, by ANY stretch of the imagination but I consider myself a good man, father and husband.

However when it comes to actual physical intimacy I am the only one that ever tries to initiate it and I get rejected 99% of the time (And I don't mean initiate it every day... I'm talking once a month or once a week at most). It makes me feel like a sex pest, a pressuring partner that is trying to force their other half into something horrible...

It's got to the point where I think there must be something wrong with me and my wife won't say. Maybe it's body, size, shape... Maybe you just don't satisfy her anymore... Or that she just has no desire for me in that way anymore.

The rare 1% of the time she will indulge in physical intimacy, 's only if she is so drunk any kind of love or passion is pretty much lost and there are usually conditions on it... (i.e. Give me a back massage or a leg massage) or I feel she's just doing it because she feels obliged.

It's as if the only time she can physically bring themselves to let me touch her or her touch me, is when she/we are very drunk... Looking back writing this, I cannot remember in past few years when my wife initiated any kind of physical intimacy towards me first.

All this has led me to question myself deeply. I have tried everything, from dying my hair so I don't have so much grey hair. I have researched nutrition and bodybuilding, and changed my body in the hope she might find me attractive, regularly 'groom' myself and changed my clothes to be more 'fashionable' and make an effort on appearance... Everything I can think of and have read about.

I have dealt with so much stress to give my wife and my children everything, and be successful so my wife would look at me with pride and admiration... And I'm talking about everything I possibly can. My wife doesn't have to work, even though they can if they want. They have all I can give materialistically too... A horse, million $ house, sports car, beautiful healthy children, holidays, stress free life and no financial debt... I give ALL of my spare time to the kids and my wife… What more can I give?

I have tried to talk to my wife about this, but she just closes up. Even started crying once and this makes me feel even more like I'm the bad guy. It makes me not able to talk to her about it... As I then feel I am putting even more pressure on a sensitive subject, so I close up and get annoyed.

I'll give you the most recent scenario, which pushed me on here and is questioning my relationship and how I move forward... I don't have any close friends as I lost most of them because I was always working or spending any spare time with my family. So, I have no-one to talk to about this kind of stuff. Not even extended family.

I'd say it's been over a month since we last got 'physically intimate', and that (Again) was when my partner and I were pretty drunk. Things (To me anyway) have been good. I had to go away for 4 days recently on business (A pretty intense and exhausting trip, not a fun jolly!), which is rare as I never like leaving my family.

During the trip we messaged and spoke and told each other how much we missed each other. The evening I returned, I was very excited to see my wife and children. I rushed back, and as I got through the door I was greeted with a hug and ... "Oh ... I'm so tired... I know you must be exhausted, but I'm just so shattered"... No, I really missed you... Just how tired my wife was. I thought this was odd as the kids had been taken by the grandparents. So, she had been doing nothing but whatever she wanted to do for the past 24 hours+ (Something I might add, have never had myself in many, many years)

I thought whatever, and dismissed it. Hugged my partner and kissed them and then went and hugged the kids. The night was nice, and we sat talking together on the coach watching TV and decided to put the kids down early and have an early night.

I got showered and we lay in bed cuddling, talking, being intimate. I obviously misread the whole situation and within seconds me 'putting on the moves'... My partner pulls the bed sheets up over them, forcing the duvet between us and says "Right, lets watch something on the TV"... I've been knocked back before, but this time was a bit different and I think maybe it’s just one too many times.

It's really knocked me personally. To the point where I've really retracted, I’m struggling to look at and even speak to her from embarrassment, paranoia, anger and I guess resentment… Which is making me feel even more annoyed as I don’t want to constantly feel like this.

I'm questioning whether our relationship is completely broken. To me, this stuff is really important, it is an important part of a healthy relationship in my opinion and we never used to have a problem. It’s only in the last few years that things have taken a turn for the worse.

I’m just looking for people’s views on this, predominantly female as it seems I have no idea how the opposite sex thinks or works.

Do you mean sex or physical intimacy? Two different things. How often do you cuddle, hold hands, make out -with no intercourse or plan for intercourse.

Since you've tried communicating and everything you can think of to remedy things and nothing has worked, it's time to get professionals involved. I'd tell her you can't live the rest of your life like this, and you'd like for her to attend marital counseling with you. If she refuses, attend counseling sessions yourself to let her know the seriousness of the situation.

In the meantime, ask her if there is anything she thinks that needs improvement in the relationship. She should get her hormones checked to see if everything is in balance. Take care and let us know how it goes.

I agree with Anrdrina's advice.

You need to look into marriage counselling. It sounds like you've tried to broach the topic yourself and haven't had any success. A neutral third party will probably be the necessary next step. My guess is that the lack of sex is but a symptom of a deeper problem within the marriage or within your wife herself.

Have you ever suspected infidelity on her end before? It's only one of many possibilities, but unfaithful folks sometimes dodge intimacy with their primary partners out of sheer guilt.

Do you mean sex or physical intimacy? Two different things. How often do you cuddle, hold hands, make out -with no intercourse or plan for intercourse.

Yes I mean sex or making out etc... We were cuddling, holding hands etc.. everyday. I would make a point of making sure we did. As it's easy in a busy life with kids for this stuff to get forgotten. We also cuddle in bed, hold hands etc... Everything I thought was normal in a loving normal relationship.

Have you ever suspected infidelity on her end before? It's only one of many possibilities, but unfaithful folks sometimes dodge intimacy with their primary partners out of sheer guilt.

I don't think so... We have had some issues before xmas. She was constantly on her phone and texting, I asked who she was texting and it would always be her friend or this or that person. However, a couple of times I saw over her shoulder a mans profile image... I asked if she was messaging anyone from our gym, as that's the only place really she would meet other men. She said no, I didn't believe her and broke the cardinal rule of looking at her Facebook messages without her permission... But I had to follow my gut.

I found she has been messaging/flirting with a PT from the gym. He 'seems' like a decent guy and has a GF, and was just replying to her messages. It was her messages that were somewhat 'flirtatious' to put it lightly, especially when I was away on business in America when this was all going on.

However, she just said she wanted attention and it was nothing but messaging and she still speaks to him at the gym. I think he was replying and entertaining it as he was hoping she might become a new client. I was/am a bit dubious of it but it seems to have blown over and I thought maybe she was right, and maybe I could try a bit harder to give her more attention.

But nothing else has lead me to suspect infidelity...

Rarely does the husband suspect infidelity. It has to hit him in face first.

Secretly purchase James Dobson's "Love must be Tough" (Never let her see this book!)

I also agree with Adriana, however, I would strongly urge you to start taking a bit of a closer look at your wifes goings on. I suspect she has a lover elsewhere. I am giving you an opinion from a woman's point of view and how it sounds to me. She is only in her 40's so doubtfully her libido has gone anywhere. Unless she has major hormone issues, she would still have a decent amount of desire for intimacy (sex). You say you are away a lot, or at least most of the day seeing as you work and she doesn't, this would give her a lot of time for someone on the side.

There is nothing wrong with you from what you described. Being older makes no difference as many women still find older men attractive. This problem lies with your wife, something is going on there and you need to get to the bottom of it. You should have a talk with her (9 times out of 10 cheaters will not admit their infidelity) but you can speak to her about how you can't go on with the lack of sex or her initiating. That would drive anyone mad. It would feel awful for your partner to not even try or view you as someone desirable.

You definitely need to sit down and have a serious talk with her. Your self esteem and self worth sounds like it's suffering badly and no one should have to live like that. It's torture.

Huge mistake to work your butt off and give her everything while she sits on her ass at home. Impossible to have an equal partnership when one is the 'princess' and the other the long suffering wallet.

I think she lacks respect and is taking you for granted. It never should have gotten this far without intervention

Does she enjoy sex? Does she get off and have passion? Has there been a change since having kids, etc.? How's the rest of the relationship? Is there conflict or silent resentment? Marriage therapy would help. It seems she wants make attention but not yours, why is that?

It seems like I am in a relationship where I am the only one that has any kind of physical desire towards the other. We're married and have been together 20 years, we are both fast approaching 40 and have kids.

 

And I'm not talking about one of those relationships where you just walk over the other and expect sex. I'm talking about one of those relationships where you do everything you can for your partner and your children. You put them before yourself in everything, from making sure they have everything they have ever wanted, to making sure they are happy and supporting them however you can.

 

From sitting together in the evening, talking about their day. Even though you are the one that works all day, running a company and dealing with all sorts of stress... I make sure I ask about her day and what they have been up to. Holding and stroking her leg/hand as you sit together, I look for hugs and kisses when I can... I'm not perfect, by ANY stretch of the imagination but I consider myself a good man, father and husband.

 

However when it comes to actual physical intimacy I am the only one that ever tries to initiate it and I get rejected 99% of the time (And I don't mean initiate it every day... I'm talking once a month or once a week at most). It makes me feel like a sex pest, a pressuring partner that is trying to force their other half into something horrible...

 

It's got to the point where I think there must be something wrong with me and my wife won't say. Maybe it's body, size, shape... Maybe you just don't satisfy her anymore... Or that she just has no desire for me in that way anymore.

 

The rare 1% of the time she will indulge in physical intimacy, 's only if she is so drunk any kind of love or passion is pretty much lost and there are usually conditions on it... (i.e. Give me a back massage or a leg massage) or I feel she's just doing it because she feels obliged.

 

It's as if the only time she can physically bring themselves to let me touch her or her touch me, is when she/we are very drunk... Looking back writing this, I cannot remember in past few years when my wife initiated any kind of physical intimacy towards me first.

 

All this has led me to question myself deeply. I have tried everything, from dying my hair so I don't have so much grey hair. I have researched nutrition and bodybuilding, and changed my body in the hope she might find me attractive, regularly 'groom' myself and changed my clothes to be more 'fashionable' and make an effort on appearance... Everything I can think of and have read about.

 

I have dealt with so much stress to give my wife and my children everything, and be successful so my wife would look at me with pride and admiration... And I'm talking about everything I possibly can. My wife doesn't have to work, even though they can if they want. They have all I can give materialistically too... A horse, million $ house, sports car, beautiful healthy children, holidays, stress free life and no financial debt... I give ALL of my spare time to the kids and my wife… What more can I give?

 

I have tried to talk to my wife about this, but she just closes up. Even started crying once and this makes me feel even more like I'm the bad guy. It makes me not able to talk to her about it... As I then feel I am putting even more pressure on a sensitive subject, so I close up and get annoyed.

 

I'll give you the most recent scenario, which pushed me on here and is questioning my relationship and how I move forward... I don't have any close friends as I lost most of them because I was always working or spending any spare time with my family. So, I have no-one to talk to about this kind of stuff. Not even extended family.

 

I'd say it's been over a month since we last got 'physically intimate', and that (Again) was when my partner and I were pretty drunk. Things (To me anyway) have been good. I had to go away for 4 days recently on business (A pretty intense and exhausting trip, not a fun jolly!), which is rare as I never like leaving my family.

 

During the trip we messaged and spoke and told each other how much we missed each other. The evening I returned, I was very excited to see my wife and children. I rushed back, and as I got through the door I was greeted with a hug and ... "Oh ... I'm so tired... I know you must be exhausted, but I'm just so shattered"... No, I really missed you... Just how tired my wife was. I thought this was odd as the kids had been taken by the grandparents. So, she had been doing nothing but whatever she wanted to do for the past 24 hours+ (Something I might add, have never had myself in many, many years)

 

I thought whatever, and dismissed it. Hugged my partner and kissed them and then went and hugged the kids. The night was nice, and we sat talking together on the coach watching TV and decided to put the kids down early and have an early night.

 

I got showered and we lay in bed cuddling, talking, being intimate. I obviously misread the whole situation and within seconds me 'putting on the moves'... My partner pulls the bed sheets up over them, forcing the duvet between us and says "Right, lets watch something on the TV"... I've been knocked back before, but this time was a bit different and I think maybe it’s just one too many times.

 

It's really knocked me personally. To the point where I've really retracted, I’m struggling to look at and even speak to her from embarrassment, paranoia, anger and I guess resentment… Which is making me feel even more annoyed as I don’t want to constantly feel like this.

 

I'm questioning whether our relationship is completely broken. To me, this stuff is really important, it is an important part of a healthy relationship in my opinion and we never used to have a problem. It’s only in the last few years that things have taken a turn for the worse.

 

I’m just looking for people’s views on this, predominantly female as it seems I have no idea how the opposite sex thinks or works.

Could be pre-menopause causing lack of desire and/or vaginal dryness making sex a chore, uncomfortable or even painful.

Could be depression.

Could be infidelity.

Could be an underlying issue in your marriage that you are unaware of.

In any instance you are unable to communicate to resolve this issue so hiring a professional to help you navigate your marital problems.

Wishing you luck and success.

I think it's time to go to marriage counseling. Good luck.

Asking about her day and rubbing her leg, um, I don't know that goes above and beyond. Let me ask you, who's stuck with the house and the kids all day? They really are life-force suckers. Are you regularly pitching in, or just work yourself at your job to the bone, so she's stuck doing all of it? Does she have meaning to her day other than revolving around the kids and household? Can she go back and at least work part-time to get her groove in life back?

Does she cum when you have sex, or is she too inhibited by alcohol to make it there?

The fact that you tried to talk to her once about it means you clearly are overlooking something. She's sounds unhappy (and could be for many reasons). No million dollar home means anything if you don't feel like your partner is really there for you. The fact that she broke out in tears, and you couldn't still talk through things, you need to work on new tools of communication with a counselor.

You think asking her about her day is her love language. Clearly, it's not. I think you've got the right motivation, and she knows something is wrong. You just need to both find ways to talk about things with eachother. Your level of intimacy is like clinging for life. The counselor will go over exercise and techniques to get your points and need across.

Sorry you are going through this. My current BF exited a long term marriage where he chased sex and was constantly told no. It is demoralizing and not right. I don't have any answers, but the fact that she refuses to talk about this is grossly unfair to you. I don't understand how women think they can shut down shop like this and everything is A-OK. I would find a way to tell her you can longer continue to live like this, and she can either see a doctor (if she has a physical problem), and/or therapist if she has a mental problem, but she can't do NOTHING. Good luck, you deserve better.

I'm sorry, I do sympathise with you over this.

I know when my relationships go stale in that department, particularly long-term, it has to do with my dissatisfaction with the relationship on some level.

But what exacerbates the issue for me is the blinding pressure of my partner's sex drive. The less I want, the more he wants, which makes me more distant, and then even angry. I felt like I couldn't kiss him without it becoming a mad, hungry dash for sex. And that drove me further away. Just from experience, I think that might be something to consider. If sex becomes more fraught and pressure-filled, it will never get easier, only harder to have a healthy sex life.

I don't think the relationship is broken, but I do think you can't be closed to the idea that she has a problem with the relationship on some level, and that it should be talked about, perhaps even with a professional. I also believe you should be open to the idea that despite your efforts, which seem enormous, that she might have a problem with the relationship and it's okay for that to be the case. It's NOT okay to neglect a partner and not at least attempt to talk about it. I'm just commenting that you shouldn't be defensive or incredulous if this is what happens.

Alternatively, she might even be that she has a personal issue; is she happy being at home with the kids all the time, or would her life benefit in some way from change?

It's either a personal issue or a relationship issue, from her perspective. That's just my opinion, based on my own experience.