My BF won't follow custody agreement with ex

We are a middle aged couple both divorced & parents of pre- & teenagers. My BF & his ex have week on, week off custody. I have my children M-F, my ex has them every weekend.

We have been dating for about 2 years. The only time we get alone is every other weekend due to our custody agreements. The issue is my BF won't make plans with me during these times because he feels he needs to be "on call" for his 15 yr old son when the son should be with his mother according to their custody agreement. Literally my BF will leave work, go to the ex 's house to pick up the son, spend all evening entertaining him, then deposit him back at the ex 's house to spend the night. I find this behavior bizarre on many levels. 1: the mom doesn't want time with her son?? 2: my BF is showing me that I am not important to him, as I only get to spend time with him if the son decides to stay with mom.

I feel like a total wench & would never tell him to choose me or his son. But is it too much to ask to make plans once every other weekend? Is it unreasonable for me to think that his 15 YO son can handle the fact that his dad is dating & can't spend ALL his time with him?

I pretend that he is a single dad with full custody to avoid resentment.

What's been his reaction when you've broached this issue with him?

No, it's not unreasonable to want some alone time. In fact I think it's pretty important to a healthy relationship. Is his son experiencing any difficulties at the moment?

I understand your frustration.

Answer is, yes, its too much to ask.You may be able to discern why your bf does this, with the knowledge of the wife and kids that you've gained over the two years. If nothing else, these friday nights give him 1 on 1 time which is pretty special.

Whatever the reason, its likely good for the son. Kids first, you lose.

Appreciate this about him, accept his level of availability, and adjust yourself accordingly.

So every night on his ex's week he is getting his son? I can appreciate your frustration as my primary love language is quality time. We got full custody of my stepchildren after having them only every other weekend for several years. It was a hard adjustment and there are times I'm resentful. You are human and you have needs too. If his son was very young I'd probably tell you to suck it up but he's not. He's plenty old enough to understand that his dad wants to have a date night. Is his ex a good mother? Does his son have issues? Or does dad feel guilty for the divorce? Why do you think he does this? Have you talked to him?

Besides this, is he a good boyfriend and are you happy in the relationship?

Is the son going through some difficulties right now that you may not be aware of ?

Unfortunately children come first. Especially when parents divorce and hope their children don't take the brunt of it.

His ex doesn't have to babysit so he can date you according to your custody schedule. He can see his children more that the custody terms states if it's agreeable to the other parent.

These are his choices. He sounds like a dad who wants to be there for his kids. Never compete with someone's children, it's a losing battle. It sounds like you are incompatible as far as time spent together and priorities.

The only time we get alone is every other weekend due to our custody agreements. The issue is my BF won't make plans with me during these times because he feels he needs to be "on call" for his 15 yr old son. my BF is showing me that I am not important to him, as I only get to spend time with him if the son decides to stay with mom.

What's been his reaction when you've broached this issue with him?

No, it's not unreasonable to want some alone time. In fact I think it's pretty important to a healthy relationship. Is his son experiencing any difficulties at the moment?

BF says he is concerned that if he does not give the son everything he requests (usually in the form of time, doing activities, occasionally physical items) that the son will not want to spend time with him anymore. When I tell him that is the definition of custody schedule, he says I don't know how these things work. So I just don't talk about it anymore since everyone's child should be priority 1; my children are to me! BUT: I have my children 70% of the time - the other 30% I am doing activities that I enjoy & would like a man to do them with. The son is not having any issues; this is how my BF treats his 50/50 custody schedule: the only difference between his week & the ex's week is the child sleeps at mom's.

I don't see anything wrong with that per se...he's acting like a full time dad and that is to be admired.

But I don't understand why you guys can't have dates when the son goes home.I mean surely he goes home by 8 pm or so, and you guys could have time together then?

Your situation seems to be the main problem and you want him to squeeze around that and have no ad hoc real time with his boy. You have 70% custody and can't get your ex to be more flexible for your dating needs.

Talk to your ex about 50/50 custody or him spending more time with the kids so you can be more flexible to date.

I have my children 70% of the time

You've asked and he's told you that he wants to "be on call" for his son so he won't make plans with you.

That there is enough for you to make a decision based on whether or not what he WILL give you is enough for you. Apparently it isn't or you would just accept his ways and this thread wouldn't exist. Why do you stay with him for two years when he's not advancing this relationship past what HE wants?

He's not changing for you.

You've been dating for two years and still barely spend any quality time with each other once every other weekend? You can't spend time together when he has the kids? They're plenty old enough to be home alone, or to accept dads girlfriend.....If you can't have a full time relationship, what's the point of dating then?

I understand your frustration.

 

Answer is, yes, its too much to ask.You may be able to discern why your bf does this, with the knowledge of the wife and kids that you've gained over the two years. If nothing else, these friday nights give him 1 on 1 time which is pretty special.

 

Whatever the reason, its likely good for the son. Kids first, you lose.

 

Appreciate this about him, accept his level of availability, and adjust yourself accordingly.

As admirable as his behavior of devoting his life to his son is, i feel he is cheating his son of experiencing life with mom. However that is none of my business. I'm just trying to decide if his behavior is something I want in my life. I'm certainly not getting any younger!

Unfortunately you a very incompatible from a parenting style point of view to a 'together time' point of view. Cut your losses.

I'm certainly not getting any younger!

As admirable as his behavior of devoting his life to his son is, i feel he is cheating his son of experiencing life with mom. However that is none of my business. I'm just trying to decide if his behavior is something I want in my life. I'm certainly not getting any younger!

Yes I agree that that is not your business at all. However you may be using this as away to hide your hurt that he is not spending time with you?

You didn't answer when I asked was the relationship a good one otherwise, is he a good boyfriend to you?

As admirable as his behavior of devoting his life to his son is, i feel he is cheating his son of experiencing life with mom. However that is none of my business. I'm just trying to decide if his behavior is something I want in my life. I'm certainly not getting any younger!

I don't think his behaviour is something you want in your life. He's not advancing the relationship one bit and I think you realize that... you just don't have the courage to end it yet.

Unfortunately children come first. Especially when parents divorce and hope their children don't take the brunt of it.

 

His ex doesn't have to babysit so he can date you according to your custody schedule. He can see his children more that the custody terms states if it's agreeable to the other parent.

 

These are his choices. He sounds like a dad who wants to be there for his kids. Never compete with someone's children, it's a losing battle. It sounds like you are incompatible as far as time spent together and priorities.

You are right; we are not compatible in this very important area. I should not have to pretend that he has full custody so that I don't resent his choices. It is his choice to take the young adult son during mom's legal time to have him. It is my choice to be ok with that or walk away. Honestly, I'm tired of having a BF who is not available. He is unavailable by his own choice. Thanks.

Is it unreasonable for me to think that his 15 YO son can handle the fact that his dad is dating & can't spend ALL his time with him?

It doesn't sound like he is spending ALL his time with his son. Please rethink what you are telling yourself about this. How you describe it is important in how you interpret it.

I think the issue is really that you have different custody agreements. You could just have easily have kids M-F and he on weekends. Because of parenting and custody issues (and the transient nature of childhood) I would be appreciative of having a WHOLE weekend together child-free twice a month. Some marriages and parents don't have that.

You are right; we are not compatible in this very important area. I should not have to pretend that he has full custody so that I don't resent his choices. It is his choice to take the young adult son during mom's legal time to have him. It is my choice to be ok with that or walk away. Honestly, I'm tired of having a BF who is not available. He is unavailable by his own choice. Thanks.

Would you be willing to send your kids to their dad say Wed to Friday to have free time with him?

I only ever saw my ex-boyfriend every other weekend when we first started dating as that was when my children saw their father though that did eventually change in time. Their father didn't (and still doesn't) see them during the week which made/makes it very hard for me to start or build a new life with someone else. That said, my children are always my main priority. Relationships come second. However, when it comes to children, I think most people understand that and if two people wanted to make something work, they would. They would work with each other to create a balance that worked well for everyone.

As regards how your partner spends his time with his son .. does he end up seeing his son most nights or is he just on call in case he wants to see him? That all sounds a bit haphazard and unsettling for all concerned. I mean these are school nights so he can't surely need entertaining all night every night? What about homework, friends, clubs? Surely his son needs some form of routine and stability. Seeing his father on certain nights of the week (even if it isn't part of their agreement) is far better than no-one knowing where they are any night of the week. I don't really get that.

That aside, it's notjust about alone time ... but quality time ... together with the children too if you are to be a part of their future. Is there a reason why, after two years, you are still living as two very separate families. To me, that makes me wonder what he sees or wants from you in the future. I'm not saying that either of you has to be included in everything the other does with their family and I certainly don't think that people should rush to introduce new partners to their children but when someone is serious about a partner wouldn't they want them to have a relationship with their children in time too?

Is it really not possible for you to sit down with him and come up with a plan where you can see each other on certain days of the week? Even if it is just one night? It's not that I don't understand why he would want to spend some time with his son but being on call just in case seems a bit much. Maybe he just likes being super chilled in the week and saves everything up for your weekend together .. but then why not just be honest about that?

You've asked and he's told you that he wants to "be on call" for his son so he won't make plans with you.

 

That there is enough for you to make a decision based on whether or not what he WILL give you is enough for you. Apparently it isn't or you would just accept his ways and this thread wouldn't exist. Why do you stay with him for two years when he's not advancing this relationship past what HE wants?

 

He's not changing for you.

This is a very good point. Our relationship has not progressed at all. It is all based on the crumbs he is willing to give me.

When we spend time together it is wonderful. The sex is amazing, he has a wonderful mind. We have fun. But it is so few & far between & that is due to his choice.

I know when my son was 15 he was FAR more interested in spending time with dad than mom.

And your 70% custody arrangement and very limited availability and rigid custody arrangement.

Why are you putting this all on him without insight to your limitations as a single parent yourself?

You could break up and find someone else but you'll still have your kids 70% of the time with zero flexibility from your ex.

that is due to his choice.

You've been dating for two years and still barely spend any quality time with each other once every other weekend? You can't spend time together when he has the kids? They're plenty old enough to be home alone, or to accept dads girlfriend.....If you can't have a full time relationship, what's the point of dating then?

Other red flags? He will occassionally come to my place & hang out with me & my kids - watch a movie or walk the dog - seldom for more than a 3 hour stretch. I haven't been introduced to his son as his GF. His son hasn't met my kids - ive suggested he bring his son when we do stuff but he doesnt. His mother is a big part of his life; I have never net her either. NOW that I write this down - I'm really being stupid, aren't i? I am not important to this man.

BF says he is concerned that if he does not give the son everything he requests (usually in the form of time, doing activities, occasionally physical items) that the son will not want to spend time with him anymore. When I tell him that is the definition of custody schedule, he says I don't know how these things work. So I just don't talk about it anymore since everyone's child should be priority 1; my children are to me! BUT: I have my children 70% of the time - the other 30% I am doing activities that I enjoy & would like a man to do them with. The son is not having any issues; this is how my BF treats his 50/50 custody schedule: the only difference between his week & the ex's week is the child sleeps at mom's.

I can somewhat understand your bf's concern but, from a parenting POV, this whole on call business doesn't sit well with me. I'm not sure being on call is the answer - just regular and consistent contact. That makes the child sound rather spoiled, like everyone is at his beck and call to make up for something, thus putting a very negative spin on the situation. Maybe its because I keep thinking back to the fact that these are school nights and that he surely must need some kind of routine. Not only that they've had two years to work out a routine that works well for everyone so I don't get what he means when he says he doesn't how these things work. You make them work ... for everyone.

I personally wouldn't have a problem with my partner wanting to spend time with his son (or daughter) during the week but I would have to question the parenting involved that allows a 15 year old boy to control a father's life so. Surely, it would be far better for him to have set nights with his father and set nights with his mother. Obviously they can chop and change if need be but children respond better to routine .. though I guess he is not so much a young child anymore and has grown used to this situation making it a harder habit for your bf to break.

I would also have been more than happy for my ex-husband to have seen our children in the week .. and not just so I could spend time with my bf but for some much needed ME time too. My eldest two are young adults now but I still have an 11 year old. I have been a parent for 22 years - almost 10 of those by myself. To have had a night off from cooking, homework, making packed lunches etc etc or (if he had them overnight) a morning off from doing the school run and trying to get myself ready for work whilst getting three children ready for school would have been absolute bliss but I have never had that. I know only too well how hard it is being a single parent and, when you finally do meet someone, coinciding it with their life as a single parent too. Nevertheless, somehow, people do make it work ... and they do so by finding a balance that works well for everyone, especially the children. I would say the balance is well off kilter here.

Or maybe I'm missing something.