Accepting my responsibility

I've been having some epiphanies about my life lately. In a way I think I needed to feel abandoned and replaced again to take a big look at myself and really understand some things for which I only had a small grasp of.

I've been feeling unvaluable because I felt that almost every men left me and replaced me for someone else who ended up being the love of their life (long term relationship or marriage). I felt that I had some sort of curse. I was always feeling pain after attaching myself to someone. So I took a deep look at my behaviors and it hit me:

- Yes, some of these guys weren't nice to me but those relationships weren't built on solid foundation and I knew it. I was looking at the same time for a miracle and validation of my value through these relationships and at the same time a confirmation of my self fulfilled prophecy that everyone leaves.

- I attached to much to them right from the start and even though I tried not to act needy I had a needy vibe and that's probably why they never lasted

- I accomodated their needs all the time. I was the girl that took the train lots of times to come to see the guy and even when they started to take less and less initiative I stood there

- I attached to soon to people I knew weren't in the right timing to date me

- I didn't end relationships right when I could see there was nothing coming out of it

- Them finding a girl right after and falling in love for them has nothing to do with me or a proof of my self worth

- They found me interesting and smart but taking a look at my self I had no exciting life of my own... I had no hobbies of my own (I think I lost interest on lots of things probably due to some depressive state of mind)... the high of my day was being with them

- When with a guy I wouldn't go out with my friends so much

- I would be very interested on their hobbies and even take some of them for me, but many times because I felt like I needed to please them and come to their life because my self sabotaging beliefs believed that they'd never make the effort to come into my life

- This last guy I didn't want to give up on this wonderful opportunity in this other country just because we started dating (after I had the opportunity), but I knew that it wasn't also fair to expect him to move there for us. And even though I almost gave up from the opportunity because of my feelings for him (again, needy and putting men first), it wasn't fair to expect more from him. I should've either not started the relationship or finishing it soon instead of dragging it along while expecting a miracle while he was already detaching little by little.

- This seems cliché but I've never loved myself... instead I think I have this self loath towards myself.

- If I'm so devastated every time someone leaves, even if the relationship was short or whatever, it's because there's something wrong with me and the way I value myself... I haven't built my own life to hold on to it when someone leaves.

I had lots of responsibility on how things turned out and I'm not an hopeless victim of bad luck and heartbreak.

So I realised something I always knew but actually never really changed: I need to work on myself before I'm ready to give my time to a man. I need to develop a life of my own with my own passions. I have no idea what's my life purpose, but I need to have my own thing. Maybe my own thing is also having the balls to move alone to another country in such conditions (I don't feel like specifying my situation here just to keep my privacy) and in time I'll realise I did the right thing on not giving up on it. I'd resent him if I stayed and things didn't work out. He always told me had some issues of starting to get distant and needing his time and space to do his own thing while on relationships.

A needy person like me being with this kind of man would blow it all off... also, "when someone tells you who they are believe them". I torture myself imagining him changing for this new girl and being with her everything he never was with me or could have been with me but wasn't because of our situation... but I need to stop thinking about them... it hurts me too much.

I need to do lots of soul searching and focus on my goals... I don't even know what I really want or who I am.

I know I'd like to travel more (even trying to travel alone) and be more fearless, lose about 5 more kg, heal the issues I've had all along and do well at the new country. However everything is so vague in my head...

If you guys want you can share some epiphanies or lessons you've had from breakups or goals. I'd like to know.

Thanks!

I admit I only read it cause your wrote (epiphanies) what a great word like Pterodactyl. Wish you the best

While hope and faith and chances and patience are virtues, so is cutting your losses when it's really time.

I admit I only read it cause your wrote (epiphanies) what a great word like Pterodactyl. Wish you the best

Haha thanks. I confess my English is a bit rusty at times, but "epiphany" is usually one of my favourites lol

While hope and faith and chances and patience are virtues, so is cutting your losses when it's really time.

You're absolutely right. That's a lesson I'm learning now.

Well done Annia, You've taken the first step.

Once you realize that all your choices lead you somewhere you can be free.

Going it solo in a foreign country is a definite confidence booster. I say go on and embrace it, BUT don't bring your issues with you. Make a pact with yourself to be single, as in don't jump into some guy's arms because he offers some semblance of security and company when you are feeling uncomfortable being alone. Embrace the discomfort and then make it go away by yourself. In other words, make a point of actively exploring and doing things for yourself just because. Also, when you are new, there is always that period of new person hospitality from pretty much everyone around - so say yes to happy hour, say yes to heading out to see this or do that. Of course, mind your safety, but do go out. Refuse to hole up in a miserable existence of work/study and straight home to be all alone and bored watching netflix.

Look up the touristy things to do and see. Talk to locals what else there is to do and see. Then just do it. Solo.

Wow. .that's a whole lot in a short span. You should be very proud of yourself. Knowledge and insight is power and I think you are right on track.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I think slowly I'm giving the first steps to become a better and more confident person.

I travel alone all the time.

It's fun! No checking with someone else to make sure what you want to do is OK with them, no going on someone else's schedule, you can eat where you want and go where you want and stay however long you want. And I always meet people.

Do it! You won't regret it.

I've done it once but it was just three days in Copenhagen. It was one of the best trips of my life (I haven't travelled much though lol) and my shy self even ended up meeting wonderful people there. I guess there's something liberating about being in a new place by ourselves... it's as if we can be ourselves without many restraints. I'm trying to learn to be comfortable with being alone but strangely I felt good during that trip and I'd like to repeat that kind of experience.

Aha....so you have had the taste of freedom and self indulgence.....

You were being totally yourself when you were traveling. The restraints, constraints - those are just mental fences we build for ourselves. They don't actually exist except in our own mind created by ourselves and limiting ourselves. Sometimes, it takes traveling elsewhere to see that and to remove those fences so we can roam free.

I travel alone for work. I consider myself pretty brave and independent but don't you ladies ever feel vulnerable traveling alone?

I can totally see myself going somewhere. . other than work related, but wonder if I would be preoccupied worrying about my safety.

I never feel unsafe.

I know not to walk around at night by myself in isolated areas. I research and find lodging that is in a safe area.

That being said, I have accidentally booked a hotel in a not so great area, but I survived.

I'm not going to stay home because of fear of something that MIGHT happen. If I did that I'd never leave home!

No not really. Just apply basic common sense and reasonable precautions same as you would at home or anywhere else you are going. If it's dark or got late, take a cab instead of walking even if it's a short ride. If it's a popular area with tons of people out and about, safe to walk even if it is evening.

Honestly, you can get mugged three feet from your own home if you are not paying attention, but that doesn't mean that you should never leave your house.

Great work, Annia. Sure, travel is a great idea, but so is nesting where you are and building a solid foundation for enjoyment of your life regardless of where it is. Finding joys in small things while you save up the money to travel ensures that you look forward to returning home to what you've created--wherever you create it.

I moved 1,000 miles away when I was young, and my Aunt, while supportive, reminded me that changing the scenery is often an impulsive attempt to escape what we cannot: ourselves. She told me, "No matter where you go, there you are..." and it was true. The move helped me develop in lots of ways over the year, but I also recognized that much of my lack of contentedness back home was never about what I wasn't getting from others, it was about what I was not giving.

Learning this was foundational, and now I'm a much better traveler because I truly appreciate and enjoy my 'home base'. Wandering can be fun, but it can also prove a 'candle in the wind' feeling that merely follows wherever we go--unless and until we address that issue and come to stand on solid ground internally.

Head high, you've made progress that some people never see in their lifetime. It will serve you well.

I travel alone for work. I consider myself pretty brave and independent but don't you ladies ever feel vulnerable traveling alone?

I can totally see myself going somewhere. . other than work related, but wonder if I would be preoccupied worrying about my safety.

Feeling unsafe is one of my fears to. In that trip I did I didn't feel so because there was always lots of people around and a sense of safeness, but I guess that if I travelled alone to other more distant places I'd feel a bit unsafe. And I also come from a kind of overprotective upbringing (my grandparents and my mother), so I guess that's also a mental wall to take down and adventure myself to other places. I'm also a bit scared of travelling by plane, I admit lol

Great work, Annia. Sure, travel is a great idea, but so is nesting where you are and building a solid foundation for enjoyment of your life regardless of where it is. Finding joys in small things while you save up the money to travel ensures that you look forward to returning home to what you've created--wherever you create it.

 

I moved 1,000 miles away when I was young, and my Aunt, while supportive, reminded me that changing the scenery is often an impulsive attempt to escape what we cannot: ourselves. She told me, "No matter where you go, there you are..." and it was true. The move helped me develop in lots of ways over the year, but I also recognized that much of my lack of contentedness back home was never about what I wasn't getting from others, it was about what I was not giving.

 

Learning this was foundational, and now I'm a much better traveler because I truly appreciate and enjoy my 'home base'. Wandering can be fun, but it can also prove a 'candle in the wind' feeling that merely follows wherever we go--unless and until we address that issue and come to stand on solid ground internally.

 

Head high, you've made progress that some people never see in their lifetime. It will serve you well.

Thank you a lot. You make great points there. Our problems and insecurities will follow us no matter where you go, so instead of trying to escape them (geographically or by other means) we need to deal with them.

I'll follow your advice and try to reenforce my "home base".

Another thing that has came up to me is this constant need of validation through relationships. I realised that all my life I was jumping from one relationship/quasi-relationship to another and "using" people as bandaids of validation/getting over the previous person. I haven't been taking alone time to grow and evolve as a person since my last serious relationship years ago because my mind is constantly on the new relationships after that and the break up of them. I don't even feel like dating right now... I just want to take some time alone. I'm starting to believe that there are plenty of options for me and that I'm no less than anyone so someday when I'm ready I'm going to have an amazing relationship that will only be a complement to my already fulfilled life. It's not fair for other people to be replacements of things that I feel are lacking in me and my life. I can't feel sorry for myself if I also contribute to it, if I also emotionally use people.

It also hit me that the first pre-requisite to like someone and want to be with them is something as simple and basic as "them wanting to be with me". Whenever someone stops wanting me or suddenly want another person, as a selfish child I start persuing the person more, wanting them more, being sad and unvalidated, using it as proof of my lack of self worth. It's almost narcissistic of me, I suppose.

Regardless of the reason such as "timing, me going away, them going away, not ready for relationship, not over the ex girlfriend, not feeling it, ghosting me, etc" that should stop my interest in them. I think this is helping me stop wanting my ex and decreasing my will to contact him day by day (NC is still recent, only a week and a few days... and I even told him not to contact me because I needed time to be on my own and move on... so it's not like I was playing mind games... I like that I was honest and clear about my intentions of moving on with him and I'm stopping to care about what he thinks).

I'm starting to accept that he's with someone else and that doesn't make him more attractive to me like my low self esteem self used to feel. I don't need to prove him anything, I just need to move on with my life. Weekends are hard and it still hurts me thinking about him having fun with this other woman... but his choices say nothing about me, and in time I'll truly and deeply wish him the best and happiness in his new relationship.

Now I need to use this time to build my life and become the best version of myself that I can be. And that doesn't and shouldn't depend on anyone else but me and my choices.

Just some more venting... writing here has been helping me tremendously, because all of a sudden I don't even feel like talking about this to my friends... I don't feel like keeping on giving it more energy and feeding it. However writing my thoughts here reliefs me.

Giant ascent, Annia. Fabulous work. Self honesty needn't be harsh to be effective, so it needn't be feared. A lot of leapfrogging from one relationship to the next is a knee-jerk attempt to avoid doing the kind of work you're doing now.

When you can stand still long enough to grasp the stuff that constant movement avoids, you benefit from noticing that it's not scary, it's useful. It prevents you from operating based on unconscious drivers, and so you adopt more control and confidence in your choices of when, how, what, where, who and WHY you'll engage going forward.

All of these aspects will change over time, and so the more time you take to focus on your Self before seeking to engage again, the more you'll notice positive differences in the quality of your experiences.

I've been having some epiphanies about my life lately. In a way I think I needed to feel abandoned and replaced again to take a big look at myself and really understand some things for which I only had a small grasp of.

 

I've been feeling unvaluable because I felt that almost every men left me and replaced me for someone else who ended up being the love of their life (long term relationship or marriage). I felt that I had some sort of curse. I was always feeling pain after attaching myself to someone. So I took a deep look at my behaviors and it hit me:

 

- Yes, some of these guys weren't nice to me but those relationships weren't built on solid foundation and I knew it. I was looking at the same time for a miracle and validation of my value through these relationships and at the same time a confirmation of my self fulfilled prophecy that everyone leaves.

 

- I attached to much to them right from the start and even though I tried not to act needy I had a needy vibe and that's probably why they never lasted

 

- I accomodated their needs all the time. I was the girl that took the train lots of times to come to see the guy and even when they started to take less and less initiative I stood there

 

- I attached to soon to people I knew weren't in the right timing to date me

 

- I didn't end relationships right when I could see there was nothing coming out of it

 

- Them finding a girl right after and falling in love for them has nothing to do with me or a proof of my self worth

 

- They found me interesting and smart but taking a look at my self I had no exciting life of my own... I had no hobbies of my own (I think I lost interest on lots of things probably due to some depressive state of mind)... the high of my day was being with them

 

- When with a guy I wouldn't go out with my friends so much

 

- I would be very interested on their hobbies and even take some of them for me, but many times because I felt like I needed to please them and come to their life because my self sabotaging beliefs believed that they'd never make the effort to come into my life

 

- This last guy I didn't want to give up on this wonderful opportunity in this other country just because we started dating (after I had the opportunity), but I knew that it wasn't also fair to expect him to move there for us. And even though I almost gave up from the opportunity because of my feelings for him (again, needy and putting men first), it wasn't fair to expect more from him. I should've either not started the relationship or finishing it soon instead of dragging it along while expecting a miracle while he was already detaching little by little.

 

- This seems cliché but I've never loved myself... instead I think I have this self loath towards myself.

 

- If I'm so devastated every time someone leaves, even if the relationship was short or whatever, it's because there's something wrong with me and the way I value myself... I haven't built my own life to hold on to it when someone leaves.

 

I had lots of responsibility on how things turned out and I'm not an hopeless victim of bad luck and heartbreak.

 

So I realised something I always knew but actually never really changed: I need to work on myself before I'm ready to give my time to a man. I need to develop a life of my own with my own passions. I have no idea what's my life purpose, but I need to have my own thing. Maybe my own thing is also having the balls to move alone to another country in such conditions (I don't feel like specifying my situation here just to keep my privacy) and in time I'll realise I did the right thing on not giving up on it. I'd resent him if I stayed and things didn't work out. He always told me had some issues of starting to get distant and needing his time and space to do his own thing while on relationships.

A needy person like me being with this kind of man would blow it all off... also, "when someone tells you who they are believe them". I torture myself imagining him changing for this new girl and being with her everything he never was with me or could have been with me but wasn't because of our situation... but I need to stop thinking about them... it hurts me too much.

 

 

I need to do lots of soul searching and focus on my goals... I don't even know what I really want or who I am.

 

I know I'd like to travel more (even trying to travel alone) and be more fearless, lose about 5 more kg, heal the issues I've had all along and do well at the new country. However everything is so vague in my head...

 

If you guys want you can share some epiphanies or lessons you've had from breakups or goals. I'd like to know.

 

Thanks!

I realized how easily I attach to men, and that I am insecure because I feel like I need one.

I realized how easily I attach to men, and that I am insecure because I feel like I need one.

I'm like that too... it's hard to break such ingrained patterns, but we'll both make it. It's a source of pain and it takes time... it's a process. Do you know where this insecurity stems or where this belief system comes from for you?

Giant ascent, Annia. Fabulous work. Self honesty needn't be harsh to be effective, so it needn't be feared. A lot of leapfrogging from one relationship to the next is a knee-jerk attempt to avoid doing the kind of work you're doing now.

 

When you can stand still long enough to grasp the stuff that constant movement avoids, you benefit from noticing that it's not scary, it's useful. It prevents you from operating based on unconscious drivers, and so you adopt more control and confidence in your choices of when, how, what, where, who and WHY you'll engage going forward.

 

All of these aspects will change over time, and so the more time you take to focus on your Self before seeking to engage again, the more you'll notice positive differences in the quality of your experiences.

Thanks a lot, catfeeder. I'm feeling more and more motivated even if I sometimes feel sad. It's just that now I feel that my feelings are productive and observing them is getting me somewhere.

Once again thanks a lot for your insights and kind words.

I'm like that too... it's hard to break such ingrained patterns, but we'll both make it. It's a source of pain and it takes time... it's a process. Do you know where this insecurity stems or where this belief system comes from for you?

Society, friends, family, community - all are sources of this tremendous pressure and message that being single somehow makes you faulty, like you can't function without a man in your life. However, confidence stems from standing up against this and realizing that you ARE perfectly self sufficient, capable of taking care of yourself, your needs, capable of accomplishing what you want and realizing that you ARE whole already. Ironically, that realization allows you to choose better partners, because you are choosing from a position of strength and have a whole lot less tolerance for bs. Remember, you don't neeeed a guy to be whole, you want a man who will be a compliment to you, who brings his own positive strengths to the table and makes a good partner to you. Rather than seeking to attach yourself to someone, you are now seeking someone to be a partner to your already fulfilling life.

Of course, that does mean putting yourself through that uncomfortable detox period so to speak you where you get to be single, achieve that sense of self sufficiency and confidence in your own abilities before you contemplate dating again.

I was wondering some more after having an old "friend" showing up on facebook some days ago... when I was little (from primary school until about 8th grade/14 years old) I was bullied. At that time people didn't talk much about bully, I think that term wasn't even used where I live. There was this really cruel girl that was with me in primary school and then from 5th grade to 9th grade. She would act like my friend when we were alone together at some extra curricular classes, but at school she would gather other girls and sometimes boys to make fun of me.

At that time I was a very thin girl with braces, glasses and acne. They'd say I was ugly, I'd never have a boy, they'd even make lists of my physical defects and deliver it to me, they'd throw stuff at me and they'd point at people with disabilities and say that'd be the only type of person I'd be able to marry because no one else would want me, they'd send me letters pretending to be a boy and then they'd reveal it was fake "Fakeee, prank! hahaha did you really think so? hahaha" . They'd even make some contests of the most and least attractive people in class and I'd always be last place and they'd make fun about it. At this time this "main bully" was super hot (for our age) and every boy wanted her, so they wouldn't mind being mean to me just to impress her and would agree with the mean things she'd say about me.

After years of this I broke away from them, got new friends and later changed to a new school. Some of these old classmates later apologized for treating me so bad, but she never did.

This left me such a scar that I always felt this sense of accomplishment when I was in a relationship. Like having a relationship by itself was on a subconscious level a proof that they were wrong. I almost felt proud that someone wanted me and was willing to show the world that they wanted me and liked me... it meant that I was somehow worthy and they weren't ashamed of me. This is a wrong because then I act like I'm undesirable and I attach more than I should just because I feel or want to feel wanted. I never really consciously realized I had this pattern until later on. I always acted like the young girl I was when it happened, though I had grown up and become more attractive inside and out. But the insecurities were always there.

Knowing this will make it easier so that I don't attach so much to people for reasons related to my insecurities. As I said, using people like band aids for my insecurities isn't fair to anyone.