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Red flag in friendship


evam

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I've been through a terrible first break up and was in a lot of pain. I was physically and mentally sick due to the stress of the break up but I'm feeling better. I have a close friend who saw me go through the break up but for some reason I do not trust her. This may sound silly but isn't it inappropriate for your best friends to like pictures of your ex-boyfriend on social media ? Liking someone's picture is harmless however the context of the situation, in my opinion, changes that. Knowing that this close friend of yours saw you go through the hardest time in your life and did not entertain a close relationship with your ex, seems in my eyes, inappropriate. It also puts more doubt in our trust (history of conflicts). For instance, my other friends would feel anger for the pain my ex caused me, and they either deleted him of social media or just ignored his existence, whereas this friends goes and likes his profile picture. I'm sure she found my ex attractive (she founds everyone attractive, in other words, wouldn't mind to f**), but her persona is continuously irking me with time and my intuition tells me not to trust her.

 

Usually we look at red flags in relationships but this for me is a red flag in friendship. Maybe I should just drop this friend or distance myself from her due to our trust issues. If it wasn't for our mutual friends, I'm pretty sure our friendship would have been over a long time ago. No one trusts her either in our group of friends because she has a big mouth.

 

Do you think I'm overreacting over this, has anything similar happened to you? I've been doubting this friendship for over a year, and not just on this like, this is 1 of 1000 things she does that irks me.

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Are you sure she didn't click by mistake? I am not a fan of focusing on who clicks on what on social media BUT if she did that on purpose then I would find it tactless and thoughtless. Also why can she click on it and why do you know? Maybe unfriend/block him so you don't have to deal with this but yes, if it wasn't a mistake it's inappropriate.

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No it's not a mistake and my ex is on my social media so that's how I saw. I've deleted him but added him after we met. I'm at peace with the break up and I have since moved on. My issue is not the breakup or the ex, but this ''friend'' that I have. My best friend saw the like too and pointed it out to me. We both find it tactless but for some reason its behavior so predictable coming from her...

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If she irks you about a lot of things and this is just one more, then why not stop being friends? Or put her on the back burner and focus on other relationships instead that are healthier.

 

Liking a profile pic doesn't scream problem to me, BUT this sounds like a pattern with her you've seen in other areas. If that's the case then it's time to end a friendship as well. Plus, get off your ex's FB page too. You'll recover a lot faster and feel much better with that out of the way.

 

Maybe it's a good time to purge toxicity from your life, no?

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I'm confused, if you are at peace with the break up and have moved on, why do you care whose picture she likes on social media? I don't see a connection or obligation, to be honest. I'm most likely of a different generation, but does clicking "Like" = " a close relationship" and lead to sex?

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I'm struggling with this friendship because I know everyone has flaws and we have 10 years of friendship. We're also part of this really tight group of friends, but me and her are probably the ones who are not the closest. I don't know where to draw the line between accepting your friends imperfections to cutting them out of your life without disrupting this circle of friend.

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Oh brother. It's a friendship, not a marriage. If you don't like talking or hanging out with her, then limit your exposure. You don't even need to have a "break up" conversation. That's the beauty of it. You just lay off.

 

But, to answer your question, no, I haven't had something like this to happen, mainly because I've never once cared enough to keep track of what pictures my friends are "liking." Plus, not everyone is on board with the whole hive-mind or Club Scorn dynamic and choose to think and act independently. It'd be one thing if the guy beat you and she was still chummy knowing he abused a friend of hers. But your relationship simply didn't work. She doesn't have to hate him on your account, and if he looks good in a photo, she should feel free to like it.

 

I highly doubt she's got the cursor over the thumbs up button with a sinister smirk, thinking to herself, "heh heh heh, wait until evam sees I liked this picture."

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She helped you through the breakup. Is she interested in moving in on him? Has she always be sort of a frenemy? If so, distance yourself but in a slow fade, undramatic fashion.

 

Also gossiping and indiscretion are not good qualities in a friend.

This may sound silly but isn't it inappropriate for your best friends to like pictures of your ex-boyfriend on social media ? If it wasn't for our mutual friends, I'm pretty sure our friendship would have been over a long time ago. No one trusts her either in our group of friends because she has a big mouth.
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I usually think that my friends friendship with my exes has nothing to do with me. I don't demand them to be angry and cut ties with them... the end of my relationship is between me and my ex. I also don't give importance to likes on social media.

However, if you already have a story of conflict with her and she wasn't friends with him before and that disturbs you, it's better to let this friendship go because it's not good for you.

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If she were to enter a relationship with your ex, what would be so bad about that? Maybe they are a good fit, that's not a crime, and not a slight to you. He is part of your past, not your present. Didn't you say that you are over him? But we are talking about something very minor, liking a picture on social media. It's not a double date.

 

On the other hand if " No one trusts her either in our group of friends" and you consider yourself best friends, then what is that about? IF there is no trust, why is there a "friendship" and why is she considered "best friends" with you all? What are these friendships based upon?

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If she were to enter a relationship with your ex, what would be so bad about that? Maybe they are a good fit, that's not a crime, and not a slight to you. He is part of your past, not your present. Didn't you say that you are over him? But we are talking about something very minor, liking a picture on social media. It's not a double date.

 

On the other hand if " No one trusts her either in our group of friends" and you consider yourself best friends, then what is that about? IF there is no trust, why is there a "friendship" and why is she considered "best friends" with you all? What are these friendships based upon?

 

They seem to be based on high school drama.

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They seem to be based on high school drama.
Was about to say. If getting collectively blocking exes and feeling betrayed if one so much as facebook likes a photo are the criteria for this group of friends, it may be this one woman who's not trusted is in fact the one among them doing things right.
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You don't have the whole picture so no need to jump to conclusions.

 

For some of you I'm wondering if you actually think you are giving advice or commenting on threads for the simple purpose of lifting your ego.

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Do you have the right to feel upset about her? Yes. It sounds almost like this incident is the straw that broke the camel's back type situation. Again, all you can do is further distance yourself from her.

 

I mean I have a tight group of girlfriends. We have known each other for years. We travel together, we are there for each other through many things over the years. There is one girl that is kind of ....meh.... she is friends with some and not others. Personally, I don't like her at all and if it wasn't for mutual friends, I wouldn't talk to her at all. So I just limit my interactions with her to whatever group things we do and even so, tend to merely tolerate her rather than engage with her to any extent. The neutral, subtly arm's length type relationship works just fine. Since I'm not alone in feeling the same way about her, she doesn't always get invited to things anyway. In some respects, she has said some things, done some things that have served to get her a bit distanced from the group.

 

So my point is that you can do the same. Limit your exposure to her only via the group and keep it subtly arm's length. If she pursues your ex or does something inappropriate, rest assured that she will end up digging her own hole with the rest of the group. Leave her to it. Even in mutual friends group type situation, you can distance yourself if that's what you want to do with someone you don't particularly care for.

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Maybe I should just drop this friend or distance myself from her due to our trust issues. If it wasn't for our mutual friends, I'm pretty sure our friendship would have been over a long time ago.

 

Trust your gut, but no need for conflict or drama. Don't confide in her, but don't badmouth her, either, because that reflects badly on you, not her.

 

Noone trusts her either in our group of friends because she has a big mouth.

 

Well, then the problem is self limiting. You can withdraw from engaging with her except for when your paths cross in public or with your group. Then be as kind as you would to any stranger without giving her any particular vibe. If nobody else trusts her, then their friendships with her will run their course without any effort or involvement from you. She'll hang herself with everyone else, eventually, and then you won't need to deal with her going forward.

 

Head high, and mouth shut.

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