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Boyfriend told me he couldn't afford holiday, next day books one to Thailand


herodgrant

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Basically my boyfriend of 6 months is $40k in debt (I'm debt-free). We had talked about going to Vietnam and he said he needed 6 months to save up for it. I said ok. Then he goes and books a trip to Thailand with his mates (no wives or girlfriends are going) for next month.

He says it's not a sex trip and I believe that. He can't see why I'm so upset about it and refuses to cancel. I don't know what to do.

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A person with 40,000 in debt shouldn't even be going on an expensive vacation. Are you involved with someone who doesn't know how to be financially stable? Isn't that on your list of deal breakers? If not, it should be.

 

That's not true at all...

 

So students shouldn't take trips? Homeowners? People who have cars?

 

Those are all debts...

 

Everyone can and should take breaks if they are paying down finances reasonably well.

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Personally, I think that just 6 months into the relationship, asking to go on an expensive trip abroad is asking for too much too soon. Too ambitious of a request of your bf. If you want to go on a romantic getaway, aim for something closer to home, more reasonable and more easily affordable. See how that goes and how you two actually manage travel together before you try going abroad.

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That's not true at all...

 

So students shouldn't take trips? Homeowners? People who have cars?

 

Those are all debts...

 

Everyone can and should take breaks if they are paying down finances reasonably well.

 

True, and the OP hasn't stated what sort of debts they are. If it's a gambling debt of $40K, or he's just racked up that amount through a lifestyle he can't afford - that's a far cry from a loan for studies, a mortgage or a car loan.

 

If the former, perhaps this is not someone she should be contemplating a future with...

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A person with 40,000 in debt shouldn't even be going on an expensive vacation. Are you involved with someone who doesn't know how to be financially stable? Isn't that on your list of deal breakers? If not, it should be.

 

Yeah it is but I do love him so it's difficult to dump him over that. He also lied about it and told me it was only $5,000. I told him he shouldn't be going on vacation at all but he said he still wants to have a life and needs the trip to get away. Originally he told me he was going to go via his home city because his dad is very ill in hospital but that was another lie. He said he only lied because he was too embarrassed to tell me the truth. We definitely see things differently financially - he's the sort to go out and treat his friends (none of whom know how much debt he's in) and his soon-to-be-ex-wife manipulated him into giving her most of their assets. I'm seriously contemplating breaking up with him over this.

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Personally, I think that just 6 months into the relationship, asking to go on an expensive trip abroad is asking for too much too soon. Too ambitious of a request of your bf. If you want to go on a romantic getaway, aim for something closer to home, more reasonable and more easily affordable. See how that goes and how you two actually manage travel together before you try going abroad.

 

I think that's a really good point. I was mainly hurt because it was the very next day. This was before I knew he was in such huge debt. He only told me that night and to be honest I did freak out and told him I'm not sure I could deal with that. The trip wouldn't really have cost that much. Flights to Vietnam from my city are only $US200 return. I was always going to pay my own way, but he said he didn't want to go on holiday with me and only do it on the cheap which he would in Thailand. He's very sensitive and a people pleaser, hence his overgenerosity.

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I think the bigger red flag is you're dating a married man.

 

He's separated after his wife came out as a lesbian 2 years ago (she's been living with her new girlfriend for over a year). I don't see the moral issue there. His divorce will be finalised in under a month.

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He's separated after his wife came out as a lesbian 2 years ago (she's been living with her new girlfriend for over a year). I don't see the moral issue there. His divorce will be finalised in under a month.

 

I don't see there's a moral issue here either; however, his financial decisions sound very unwise and I'd be wary of getting involved with someone like this if I were looking for a long term partner.

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I wouldn't date someone who wasn't officially divorced.

 

Not to mention, if you're worried about finances, nothing is really his until the divorce is finalized.

 

Different Strokes I guess but I don't expect someone to suspend their whole life especially when his wife has moved on. There's less shame in my country re: dating while separated.

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I think that kind of extreme insecurity, lying, pretending, hiding things would be bigger concerns for me than any kind of travel plans. It's who he is and you won't change his personality that way. You just never know what damaging stuff he will do and then hide away until it destroys your life.

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I think that kind of extreme insecurity, lying, pretending, hiding things would be bigger concerns for me than any kind of travel plans. It's who he is and you won't change his personality that way. You just never know what damaging stuff he will do and then hide away until it destroys your life.

 

Thanks for that. You're totally right. I'm going to end it.

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After dating only 6 mos he doesn't need your permission to go on trips with his long standing friends. Relax and go to wherever you wish with your own friends.

 

He also doesn't have to answer to you about his finances, debt or how he spends his money and on what. Dating is to get to know each other and look for compatibility or deal breakers not to plan the future.

he goes and books a trip to Thailand with his mates (no wives or girlfriends are going) for next month. He can't see why I'm so upset about it and refuses to cancel.
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Yeah it is but I do love him so it's difficult to dump him over that. He also lied about it and told me it was only $5,000. I told him he shouldn't be going on vacation at all but he said he still wants to have a life and needs the trip to get away. Originally he told me he was going to go via his home city because his dad is very ill in hospital but that was another lie. He said he only lied because he was too embarrassed to tell me the truth. We definitely see things differently financially - he's the sort to go out and treat his friends (none of whom know how much debt he's in) and his soon-to-be-ex-wife manipulated him into giving her most of their assets. I'm seriously contemplating breaking up with him over this.

 

I wouldn't take the debt as a dealbreaker if it was student loans or any other acceptable thing, but I'd take lying as a deal breaker. I don't care for his reasons... he must own up. If he lied so much in 6 months how much more lying can you except in the next years?

 

I think that's a really good point. I was mainly hurt because it was the very next day. This was before I knew he was in such huge debt. He only told me that night and to be honest I did freak out and told him I'm not sure I could deal with that. The trip wouldn't really have cost that much. Flights to Vietnam from my city are only $US200 return. I was always going to pay my own way, but he said he didn't want to go on holiday with me and only do it on the cheap which he would in Thailand. He's very sensitive and a people pleaser, hence his overgenerosity.

 

You don't even know if the new debt information is real... you also thought he was telling the truth before.

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Hmm, lots of lies and major debt, not just one lie about a trip, but chronic lies about a lot of things. And this all uncovered in only six months of dating the guy? Knocking aside the whole trip debate for a moment that's a tremendous number of red flags of "What part of this is never going to be a healthy, sane relationship do you not get?"

 

'Cause people who are emotionally available for a good relationship that will enhance you and their lives don't lie about things like visiting a sick father or can't afford a trip due to massive debts only to turn around and hello, now book an expensive trip. I wouldn't care about whether it was with or without you. What is someone that far in debt doing to get themselves out of debt instead of booking huge vakays they then lie about????

 

It's not the trip you need to focus on - it's the lying. IF he were honest he'd just say, "Six months in, I don't want to book a trip as a couple just yet." OR he'd suggest something like, "Hey, let's just do a weekend at the beach, I can afford that." Or even a blunt, "Look, I need a vacation, but I need time away just to be by myself. I hope you understand." And then he'd do anyone of a million things locally that don't entail thousands of dollars being added to his already thousands of dollars debt.

 

Besides if he can lie about all that, what else is he going to lie about or has he already lied about? And why would you even stick around to find out. At six months in I think the bigger question to ask yourself is this, "What is going on in my own life that I'm so desperate to have a relationship I'd overlook the kinds of red flags that send other people running away?"

 

P.S. Lying about a parent being in the hospital is about as low as one get in the way of lies. I mean, on that alone I'm going to tell you to dump the guy. Who the elf does that? People with serious issues, that's who.

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Hmm, lots of lies and major debt, not just one lie about a trip, but chronic lies about a lot of things. And this all uncovered in only six months of dating the guy? Knocking aside the whole trip debate for a moment that's a tremendous number of red flags of "What part of this is never going to be a healthy, sane relationship do you not get?"

 

'Cause people who are emotionally available for a good relationship that will enhance you and their lives don't lie about things like visiting a sick father or can't afford a trip due to massive debts only to turn around and hello, now book an expensive trip. I wouldn't care about whether it was with or without you. What is someone that far in debt doing to get themselves out of debt instead of booking huge vakays they then lie about????

 

It's not the trip you need to focus on - it's the lying. IF he were honest he'd just say, "Six months in, I don't want to book a trip as a couple just yet." OR he'd suggest something like, "Hey, let's just do a weekend at the beach, I can afford that." Or even a blunt, "Look, I need a vacation, but I need time away just to be by myself. I hope you understand." And then he'd do anyone of a million things locally that don't entail thousands of dollars being added to his already thousands of dollars debt.

 

Besides if he can lie about all that, what else is he going to lie about or has he already lied about? And why would you even stick around to find out. At six months in I think the bigger question to ask yourself is this, "What is going on in my own life that I'm so desperate to have a relationship I'd overlook the kinds of red flags that send other people running away?"

 

P.S. Lying about a parent being in the hospital is about as low as one get in the way of lies. I mean, on that alone I'm going to tell you to dump the guy. Who the elf does that? People with serious issues, that's who.

 

 

I should've been more clear - his father is actually in the hospital but he lied about going to see him. He had given me money to buy a present for my birthday and asked me for the money back so he could fly to see his father. The only reason we talked Vietnam was because he won some money which would easily cover his part of the trip (once again, this was before I knew he was in any debt at all). He said he lied because I was making him feel bad for not going to visit his dad. The whole thing is pretty weird. Desperate is a little harsh, but I get your point. I had been seeing a psychologist for a while last year for my self-esteem issues but stopped. Sounds like I should make another appointment.

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I should've been more clear - his father is actually in the hospital but he lied about going to see him. He had given me money to buy a present for my birthday and asked me for the money back so he could fly to see his father. The only reason we talked Vietnam was because he won some money which would easily cover his part of the trip (once again, this was before I knew he was in any debt at all). He said he lied because I was making him feel bad for not going to visit his dad. The whole thing is pretty weird. Desperate is a little harsh, but I get your point. I had been seeing a psychologist for a while last year for my self-esteem issues but stopped. Sounds like I should make another appointment.

 

Whoa....the more you post about him the stranger things get with him. I think your decision to end things is spot on in this case. The fact that you are recognizing this is fantastic and shows you've come a long way forward in your self esteem department. He has issues that he needs to address and you cannot be a part of this kind of chaos or he will just drag you down with him.

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