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Long Term Sex


SDM

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Hi All,

 

I'm hoping I can get some advise on this - so apologies for length. One of the issues is I don't really have anyone in my circle I can talk to, except my partner

 

I've been with my partner for 8 years this year. I love her very, very much and don't intend on leaving her, and, I know the feeling is reciprocated. Both of us had a real 'love at first sight' kind of a moment and we've been happily together since. Or more accurately, we both loved each other but it took a year for us to get together - she was with a long time partner whom she had fallen out of love with but was staying with out of comfort (a position I've been in myself before). When we were just friends she'd visit me weekly (platonically and a 2 hour train journey away), and on the times I'd muster up the courage to try and make an advance on her she'd point out that we were just friends and that it was wrong and I'd stop; nothing sexual - going in for a kiss, a hug that neither of us wanted to stop. That kind of thing.

 

However, I'm somewhat at a loss. To give you a bit of background, I would consider myself a pretty sexual person. Its not all I think about by a long stretch, but, I feel like I really do need it in my life. In previous relationships, albeit not as long as this one, my partners and I were 'together' so to speak almost every day. When I got with my current partner, I knew sex wasn't as high a priority with her - however, when she's been in the mood, she's been probably my best and filthiest sexual partner. Quality over quantity so to speak.

 

Over the past couple of years or so our sex life has been petering out more and more. We probably have sex or some form of sexual activity every 3 months or so, if that. She's very quick to help 'relieve' me if she knows I'm in the mood but to me its not always about blowing your load so to speak, I want to have the intimacy with her and know she's having the physical enjoyment of it as much as me. When it comes to the two of us sharing sex though she's become less and less interested. A couple of weeks ago we went on a short city break with the intention being that we'd have some 'alone' time in a different setting. We had sexual activity of some description twice - the first day I started some initial foreplay which she wasn't very interested in before she pushed me away and 'finished me off'. The next day she apologised saying she didn't know why she felt like she had done. We had sex that day but she had no enthusiasm and if I'm blunt, it just wasn't enjoyable compared to how it used to be.

 

To make the situation more difficult, after a long battle with alcoholism her mother died prematurely just after New Year, so she has been understandably more depressed and not finding herself 'in the mood' even less than usual.

 

I'm finding myself thinking more and more about just finding someone else to be physical to be with. In a completely frank, non-egotistical way, I'm just under 30 and the lead singer of a semi-pro rock band - needless to say I have been given a number of invitations for after show hi-jinx. I should be slap bang in the middle of my sexual 'prime of life'. I'm looking at porn more and feeling dishevelled and like I'm just not getting satisfied. I don't want to cheat on my partner; I respect her and love her too much to go through with it. On top of that, my partner is absolutely gorgeous - I don't want to have sex with anyone but her, I'm very, very lucky. I'm also 100% sure that she's not cheating on me (I know it sounds a cliche reading back what I've written, but, I have no reason to believe she is and I trust her implicitly).

 

I finally reached out to you guys after an occurrence last night. We were laying in bed, lights off, she had her tablet out and was bringing on some YouTube videos for us to watch before sleeping. She happened to be naked, and, I reached over and started to play with her breasts. Her reaction was to exclaim "What are you doing?!" like we were only friends, and shy away.

 

I just don't know what to do. I love her so much, and I have no doubt of her love for me, but I can't help but feel that I'm effectively giving up my sex life and that's untenable to me. I have spoken with her about it and she recognises that her libido has dropped off of the map, but, she also doesn't seem very motivated to do anything about it. I have self image/confidence issues as it is and so I'm just coming out feeling like I'm no longer attractive to her. When we have spoken about it in the past she has been very dismissive and I feel like she just assumes the problem goes away from ignoring it.

 

What should I do? It doesn't feel fair that I'm effectively giving up sex because she has, but, I feel like a horrible person for even considering looking for a physical relationship elsewhere. The whole situation is getting me more and more depressed - I feel both helpless and unable to help

 

Thanks

 

-D

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We probably have sex or some form of sexual activity every 3 months or so, if that.

 

It sounds like you have very mismatched sex drives, you have discussed the problem and nothing changed. Sorry to say that it sounds like both of you are repeating past mistakes i.e. falling out of love but staying with each other out of comfort. Given that you are both prone to relationship overlap, it sounds like it's a matter of time before one of you cheats. The healthy solution would be to break up and seek someone more compatible sex-drive wise. Choosing to stay on, cheat and/or monkey branch is not healthy and that WOULD qualify you as a horrible person. Discussing the option of seeking professional counseling might worth a try and/or be a wake-up call for her. Otherwise, breaking up to seek a more compatible partner is well within your rights given what you described and would probably be the least hurtful solution for both of you in the longterm.

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Otherwise, breaking up to seek a more compatible partner is well within your rights given what you described and would probably be the least hurtful solution for both of you in the longterm.

 

Thank you for the advice.

 

I suppose I should consider it, its just not an option I want to. I love her and our lives are so intertwined, I don't consider it a 'relationship overlap' style situation per se in that I'm not in it because I'm comfortable. The argument of course is that if I love her I should just accept her this way but I don't think that's a fair argument tbh

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Since the problem started two years ago in an eight year relationship, I'd suggest she get her hormones checked. When they are off balance, it could be the reason for the lack of libido. Other reasons could be anger at a partner, but it doesn't sound like this is the case. I would sit on the couch with her and hold her hand and tell her the seriousness of the matter. I'd tell her you can't live the rest of your life having sex 4 times a year, and tell her you love her and want to try everything possible to remedy the situation--couples counseling and a trip to the doctor.

 

If she refuses both, it means she doesn't love you like you think she does. Your request is a reasonable one, and she should want you to be a satisfied partner. Unfortunately, love is not the only thing that will ensure a happy relationship. All of the other major needs have to be met. Sexual compatibility should be on your must-have list. If she won't make any efforts to fix the problem, then my advice would be to end things. It's never too late to start over in life. You could eventually meet someone you'd love AND be sexually compatible with. You only have one life. There are no do-overs. Don't sacrifice your happiness for someone you'd cross an ocean for, when they won't even jump over a puddle for you. Take care.

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If she refuses both, it means she doesn't love you like you think she does.

 

Thank you for your advice

 

I suppose at the moment with her mother having died earlier this year its not exactly the best timing in general. Thing is, when I've started to bring it up a bit in the past 2 things happen - 1, shes very receptive to such suggestion but the idea fizzles out before anything happens, and 2, I don't push the issue because it only ends in her getting more upset which is the last thing I want to do. It makes me feel like I'm the only one who has a problem and that problem is entirely mine

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Her lack of desire is actually abnormal. I can understand losing her mother dropping her sex drive, but you say that this has been going for 2 years prior, so..... This is a long term, ongoing problem.

 

Since you've tried talking to her and it hasn't worked, perhaps you will actually need to be stronger, firmer, and more blunt about it. What if you make an appointment with a sex therapist and request (not ask, not suggest, but give her time and date and tell her she will need to join you there) that she comes. Would that be a serious enough wake up call for her? It doesn't sound like she takes your talking very seriously. Another approach is that you will need to talk again and tell her point blank that unless she goes to see a doctor and sorts this out, you will actually end the relationship because you are not going to live like a monk for the rest of your life. You need to actually jolt her and mean it. Otherwise, all you are going to continue to get is yes dear and then nothing happens.

 

Ultimately, if you tried this and that and nothing works, unfortunately you will have to make a decision to leave this relationship as it has just become a comfortable platonic roommates set up.

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Have you told her that you are so desperate to feel love through physical intimacy that you're considering seeking yours elsewhere?

You two had an emotional affair long before you were free to do so so, its no wonder that she's happy just being together emotionally without the physical that you crave. She even turned you down physically during this emotional affair you two were in so that too was a hint of what was to come your way.

 

I agree with Dancingfool... book the couples counselling and tell her when the appointment is. If she won't go then you have your answer and you have a decision to make... leave her or cheat on her. Knowing her background, I think she'd actually prefer that you cheat and don't tell her or let her suspect. There are lots of people like that believe it or not... Its not your place to decide whether or not she'd be okay with you being unfaithful though, now it is!

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I just posted my dilemma as I too like you don't know what to do anymore. My boyfriend of 6 years isn't interested in sex with me nor has he done for a long time. And he has cheated on me. I am on the same boat as you, I love him and want to be with him but just desperate for sexual intimacy and am feeling like sleeping with somebody else purely for sexual gratification and to feel desired. I know how you feel and it's very sad and very lonely 😭

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I think her mom passing away compounds the problem, but didn't cause it. This has been going on much longer than that.

 

Have you asked her if she's still attracted to you? She has previously stayed in a relationship out of comfort; that could be happening again. I agree with Wiseman that randomly grabbing at her breast was not a good idea with a woman who already dodges sexual activity. That just annoyed her. How is the romance level in general? Did anything happen around twp years ago (or whenever you noticed her interest in sex changing) that could have triggered this?

 

My best guess is that she's way too comfortable and sees you more like a friend than a lover, and thus doesn't really feel the desire anymore. You need to open a very honest dialogue about what's going on. If she wont' talk about it, you might not have much choice but to walk away and find someone who appreciates physical intimacy.

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