katreefer Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 I'll try to make this brief. Been in a relationship (23F) with a man (35) for 5 years. Typical in the beginning, though I always wondered how he hadn't settled already. We weren't & still aren't interested in jumping into marriage until we know everything about eachother. I know him well enough to finish his sentences after he gets out a word or two. He's all good things most of the time, and we argue about common issues. However, he likes to assume how I feel...and is mostly wrong. So I doubt he knows me equally. Sometimes he handles our arguments in an alarming way. I don't see me being a as a reason to react with such cruelty. The latest: Our shower water gets hot when the toilet is flushed. And I mean BOILING hot, since he has the water heater set that way. I woke up y and went to be alone in the shower (kinda, I talk to myself more & more these days). As I'm mumbling, he busts in, opens the curtain, and begins to tell me we are done. Rips the shower curtain down & flushes the toilet. Of course, I jumped back immediately after my naked body felt the scalding hot water. He never feels sorry for doing things like this, and that bothers me more than the acts alone. So...first question, is what he did considered abusive? 2. Is his behavior acceptable under any circumstance (for example, me being itrational & y leading up to a period)? 3. What would a mature adult do? (Not that I'm childish, but no one has ever intentionally hurt me like this..) Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Don't be a b*tch. Good rule of thumb But he's being abusive. Get out, and ASAP. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 You have been putting up with fights like this for 5 years? If you live together move out. If not just end it. I'm mumbling, he busts in, opens the curtain, and begins to tell me we are done. Rips the shower curtain down & flushes the toilet Link to comment
katreefer Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 Don't be a b*tch. Good rule of thumb But he's being abusive. Get out, and ASAP. Thanks, I've learned it fuels the fire. It's just hard not to use that as a defense. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Thanks, I've learned it fuels the fire. It's just hard not to use that as a defense. I meant in general. It's understandable to react to abuse, but try and get out of the habit of doing it. Just a good thing to do Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Well it's good that your not rushing into marriage, because I don't think he's the one. I think Flushing the toilet knowing the repercussions is bordering on abuse. Why did he burst in anyways and say "We are done?" Link to comment
Jibralta Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 So...first question, is what he did considered abusive? 2. Is his behavior acceptable under any circumstance (for example, me being itrational & y leading up to a period)? 3. What would a mature adult do? (Not that I'm childish, but no one has ever intentionally hurt me like this..) 1. Yes, abusive 2. Never acceptable 3. A mature adult discusses the situation or takes measured, nonreactive action. For example leaving for a few hours. He/She is able to reason through emotional pain and does not react by lashing out at another person Link to comment
katreefer Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 I meant in general. It's understandable to react to abuse, but try and get out of the habit of doing it. Just a good thing to do Oh 😶 I gotcha now. Definitely sounds good, will do & I appreciate the advice. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 He's a sadist. Get the hell out of this! Thus guy is an abusive nut! Link to comment
katreefer Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 You have been putting up with fights like this for 5 years? If you live together move out. If not just end it. Yes. From what I was told by him, I asked for it. I feel I deserve better, but I also feel the need to try working things out. So every argument now is, "This could be the time I leave". Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Why would you want to work things out with an abusive man? Does he see a problem? I suggest you contact a hotline and plan to move out.. Link to comment
katreefer Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 Well it's good that your not rushing into marriage, because I don't think he's the one. I think Flushing the toilet knowing the repercussions is bordering on abuse. Why did he burst in anyways and say "We are done?" Well...he asked if I put away leftovers last night, I replied jokingly, "Don't worry about it." He got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and checked to make sure. Then jumps into bed and accidentally gives 'the peoples elbow' to my forearm. He did say sorry. So maybe it was an accident. But that's what I was mumbling about. Link to comment
Scoe141 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Seems like the relationship has run it's course. Better you found out now, rather than later. You're 23, he's 35... you two are: 1. In different generations. 2. finding out now that you're incompatible. (I don't even have to talk about how it's escalated to an abusive level.) Link to comment
Scoe141 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Then jumps into bed and accidentally gives 'the peoples elbow' to my forearm. If you can smell what The Rock is cooking, then you should the dude needs counseling, and the door. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 if you can smell what the rock is cooking, then you should the dude needs counseling, and the door. huh????????? Link to comment
Scoe141 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 huh????????? The Rock is a professional wrestler in the WWE. One of his signature moves is called "the people's elbow". It's when he drops an elbow on an opponent who is laying on the mat. He calls it that because he dubbed himself "the people's champion"; ("hence the peoples elbow"). The "if you smell what The Rock is cooking" is something that he says.... Basically it's an elbow to someone. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 If you can smell what The Rock is cooking, then you should the dude needs counseling, and the door. Your explanation helps, but this sentence still doesn't make sense past "you should" Link to comment
Scoe141 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Your explanation helps, but this sentence still doesn't make sense past "you should" Ah, good find. What I meant to say is: If you can smell what The Rock is cooking, then the dude needs counseling, and the door. Link to comment
journeynow Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Never mind the questions, I'd be done, no further discussion needed with him, nothing to work out or solve. 1. He said your done. (That, in my book, breaks the relationship. We're incompatible because of THAT, in the very least.) 2. Flushes the toilet deliberately to hurt you. (Vindictive, who needs that!) 3. Bursts in and tears down the shower curtain. (Over the top anger, aggressive, disrespectful, who needs that??). It would be clear as day. If doesn't matter if we complete each other in some ways, this way isn't it. I also agree with mustlovedogs. Link to comment
SadSadgirl Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 it's very easy to excuse abusive behavior in relationships and that's why these last so long. why are you staying? you need to leave. he cant communicate properly and is abusive. he wont change. Link to comment
katreefer Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 Why would you want to work things out with an abusive man? Does he see a problem? I suggest you contact a hotline and plan to move out.. I witnessed physical abuse during my childhood. I thought there was no way in hell I'd get myself into a situation like that. So I don't know, maybe I'm naive. He does see a problem with me (my childhood) and our relationship, not at all with himself. I'll talk with a hotline & hopefully get help with that plan. Link to comment
SadSadgirl Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 I witnessed physical abuse during my childhood. I thought there was no way in hell I'd get myself into a situation like that. So I don't know, maybe I'm naive. He does see a problem with me (my childhood) and our relationship, not at all with himself. I'll talk with a hotline & hopefully get help with that plan. you are not naive, your abuse from your childhood allows you to think this behavior is acceptable. most abusive people will blame everything but themselves! they'll blame a sidewalk if they trip on it! Link to comment
katreefer Posted April 21, 2017 Author Share Posted April 21, 2017 Ah, good find. What I meant to say is: If you can smell what The Rock is cooking, then the dude needs counseling, and the door. Ha. And I think so too. Its his door, so I'll be walking out of it. Link to comment
Scoe141 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Ha. And I think so too. Its his door, so I'll be walking out of it. You might be hurting for a while, but in the long run you'll be glad you left him. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted April 21, 2017 Share Posted April 21, 2017 Unless this is an S and M arrangement, it's abusive. Google it.I asked for it. Link to comment
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