Texting another woman when we fight

Posting here because I don't know what to think, and don't know if I am overreacting/super jealous. Never thought I was the jealous type, but have had a few relationships with cheating boys so maybe a bit emotionally traumatized. Not that I was always amazing but who is.

Current bf is amazing, sometimes I think he is "that guy" other times I feel like he treats me like and needs gratification from other women.

A big issue in our relationship has been this other woman friend of his, lets call her Daisy. When we got together he played their friendship down - although he told me about her he said, "oh she's a nice person but kinda dumb". I knew they texted occasionally and I didn't think any more of it. I also knew they had slept together once but decided they weren't right for each other - although she at one point said she would leave her home country with/for him.

Fast forward to about a year into our relationship, where he starts acting weird one night when he is hanging out with a different (and mutual) female friend , super drunk, and texting me. I am texting coz he is driving home slightly drunk (on a deserted road - no chance of killing anyone other than his dumb self and our dumb friend) and so I want to know that he gets home ok or if I have to rouse a friend to go check on him. He gets home, then keeps texting and saying "oh im with guests" and disappears, then comes back and says oh actually just the female friend (*Katy), her boyfriend is coming later. I have no idea why he is texting me this, or why he is pretending it is unknown guests and then basically outs himself as having lied to me and hiding that he was alone with this woman. I blow up at him and we fight because I start worrying that he is lying to me about and being weird.

Fast forward again 3 months to New Years. We have a fight about dumb and he starts ignoring me and texting on his phone. I have never felt the need to do this but he started really being glued to his phone and was evasive about it. So about a week later, things still aren't good and he is still glued to his phone a lot. We are both totally open with each other and he long ago gave me his phone lock code, and I changed mine to be the same as his and we often use each others phones. So I decide I'm being stupid and go look at his texts. Guess who's on top and he has been texting almost everyday. Daisy. Oh yeah and that day we fought, he was texting her with photos of the beach (at MY beach house) saying oh look me and my dog are going to go swimming later. She replies oh its so beautiful I wish I was there. He writes "Come then". ?????? I confront him about it and he says he just needed a break from me. But why flirt with this other woman and pretend I'm not even there??? In his eyes I'm just overly jealous and what do I want, for him to never have other female friends? Is there no middle ground?

Fast forward again, about 5 months. We have Daisy over for drinks cause I want to get to know her, feel more secure about that at the coast and in general be more ok with their friendship. He totally ing ignores me and pretends I'm not even there the whole night, and only has eyes for this other girl and is hanging off her every word, pausing only to occasionally glance at me in an annoyed way. I blow up again. Prob not the best thing to do but I am hurt.

Next day I ask to see his phone. He says ok. Guess what, he has been flirting with her almost every day for the past 4 months and is constantly initiating contact with her and teasing her. Also sending her the same photos he sends me and his mom. lovely!! I get so furious and ask why the he is hiding this from me and why the he is suddenly SUCH great friends with her when he passed her off as a sad loser he SOMETIMES texts.

A bit of background: he rarely gives me compliments, has a hard time saying "I love you" to me (even though at the beginning of our relationship he said it WAAAAY to early and was over the moon with me in other ways too), it has to be the perfect moment - and guess what it NEVER is the perfect moment, but he always fascinatedly talks about his interactions with other women, regardless of how tame, he'll tell me the same story about three times of how that cool chick reacted to what he said.

So, tell me honestly, am I super insecure or do I have some right to be a little unhappy with the amount of untruthfulness and secrecy?

Thanks guys.

To me, it seems like he is trying to "play the field" and likes the comfort of a relationship.

I would sit down with him in person and confront him about this, especially his deception of telling you "unknown guests" then later admit it was with a girl.

His actions don't seem to match what he is telling you. If he is flirting with a girl behind your back, that is a red flag.

I wouldn't say you are super insecure... everybody is a little insecure. You have your suspicions about him and I would confront him about it in a diplomatic & non-upset way. If the conversation does not go where you hope it goes, then I would move on. Secrets & deception do not make for good relationships.

Thanks for the quick answer and your perspective. I feel like he is "playing the field" sometimes too.

I have confronted him about it and he always counters with that I should just trust him and know that he loves me, he shouldn't have to say it all the time. When I say yes of course not, but maybe ofter than never and maybe show it too, he just says the same thing - you should just feel that I love you. I've tried to tell him he broke my trust but he then always says he feels like I'm criticising him and that he can't do anything right. Sometimes to the point that he says, well, what do you want me to say? So tired of him not having a real conversation with me. Ah well.

Thanks again for the input, always good to know you're not a completely insane b****.

It sounds to me like when you get angry with him he distracts himself by texting this other chick. I don't believe this other women is a threat to you. when you blow up at him because your hurt he's not copeing in the right manner. (but perhaps doing the only thing he knows to do, which is distracting himself with this other women) he has feelings when you get angry at him he just doesn't know how to express them. try to cool off before you speak to him about what is getting you upset and hurting you. just write down your feelings and vent on paper. then when your better (calm) talk to him the about the way he makes you feel and how he hurt you. listen to his feed back and work things out that way. ask him to give you his full attention and put away his phone, this way he can hear you and it gives him a chance to respond, and he may not need to be distracted by something else to keep his emotions in check when you have conflicts.

Thanks for the quick answer and your perspective. I feel like he is "playing the field" sometimes too.

 

I have confronted him about it and he always counters with that I should just trust him and know that he loves me, he shouldn't have to say it all the time. When I say yes of course not, but maybe ofter than never and maybe show it too, he just says the same thing - you should just feel that I love you. I've tried to tell him he broke my trust but he then always says he feels like I'm criticising him and that he can't do anything right. Sometimes to the point that he says, well, what do you want me to say? So tired of him not having a real conversation with me. Ah well.

 

Thanks again for the input, always good to know you're not a completely insane b****.

Sounds like he is being defensive and not accepting responsibility for his actions. Have you gotten a "sorry" out of this discussion?

You don't feel like you can trust him because he lied to you for a couple things... which justifies the lack of trust. So instead of taking responsibility for his lies, apologizing and taking actions on how to repair your trust.... he blames you and says you are criticizing him!

Not mature, in my opinion.

It sounds to me like when you get angry with him he distracts himself by texting this other chick. I don't believe this other women is a threat to you. when you blow up at him because your hurt he's not copeing in the right manner. (but perhaps doing the only thing he knows to do, which is distracting himself with this other women) he has feelings when you get angry at him he just doesn't know how to express them. try to cool off before you speak to him about what is getting you upset and hurting you. just write down your feelings and vent on paper. then when your better (calm) talk to him the about the way he makes you feel and how he hurt you. listen to his feed back and work things out that way. ask him to give you his full attention and put away his phone, this way he can hear you and it gives him a chance to respond, and he may not need to be distracted by something else to keep his emotions in check when you have conflicts.

Thanks Rebecca. You are completely right about the calming down part - it is something I find hard to do and definitely need to work on. I

Have you gotten a "sorry" out of this discussion?

I have, but only after hours of fighting, and crying on my part. He appears to find it very hard to apologise for anything because he sees it as being an admittance of being the one at fault. Eye roll. I think I've almost gotten him to realize saying "I'm sorry I hurt you" or "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" is not an admittance of fault and in my opinion something extremely important in a relationship. Similar to what Rebecca replied above he sometimes just shuts down in fights as well and gives up. Don't know if it's because he feels bad but can't say it? Really lame but I hope it's that and not what it comes across as - i.e. that he doesn't care.

He also has told me several times I have a problem because I get upset when he goes on about other girls. Probably a bit of a lack of self confidence on my part too but it is emotionally exhausting to hear him so happy about other women and - pretty much never - having him say something nice about me to me.

I have, but only after hours of fighting, and crying on my part. He appears to find it very hard to apologise for anything because he sees it as being an admittance of being the one at fault. Eye roll. I think I've almost gotten him to realize saying "I'm sorry I hurt you" or "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" is not an admittance of fault and in my opinion something extremely important in a relationship. Similar to what Rebecca replied above he sometimes just shuts down in fights as well and gives up. Don't know if it's because he feels bad but can't say it? Really lame but I hope it's that and not what it comes across as - i.e. that he doesn't care.

 

He also has told me several times I have a problem because I get upset when he goes on about other girls. Probably a bit of a lack of self confidence on my part too but it is emotionally exhausting to hear him so happy about other women and - pretty much never - having him say something nice about me to me.

This sounds almost exactly like my ex-fiance. Any time we had arguments she would never admit responsibility. She would eventually say "sorry" hours later after I was red in the face or trembling from emotion. She would always say "You're making me feel bad about it" or somehow find a way to blame it on me.

Perhaps him talking about other girls to you is his way of stroking his ego. It shouldn't be like this, especially if it hurts you (which is understandable). If you are his girlfriend, he should be giving you the attention you deserve and shower you with affection & compliments.

My experience? Communication is key.. it is imperative that you tell him that he needs to stop doing what makes you uncomfortable. If he is unwilling to do that, then attempt to work on a compromise. If the compromise fails, then perhaps you should move on.

Perhaps him talking about other girls to you is his way of stroking his ego. It shouldn't be like this, especially if it hurts you (which is understandable). If you are his girlfriend, he should be giving you the attention you deserve and shower you with affection & compliments.

 

My experience? Communication is key.. it is imperative that you tell him that he needs to stop doing what makes you uncomfortable. If he is unwilling to do that, then attempt to work on a compromise. If the compromise fails, then perhaps you should move on.

Yeah I definitely feel like that is part of it. You're right about the communication part, I just find it so hard to get him to communicate back to me. But I will keep trying. He is worth it. Just happy to have input from others because sometimes I feel I am a bit blinded by our relationship and maybe would react differently - or stand up for myself more - if I were the outsider looking in. Thanks again for the advice

Hey,

I know that in a lot of relationships, the females are automatically called 'psycho' if anything is brought up on more than one occassion. However, if the person on the end of this so called psycho behaviour actually listened and tried to come to an agreement, it would never have got to the stage for it to become a massive issue.

I for one think that your behaviour and thinking is completely normal and rational, despite any presumptions that you could be over-reacting. Usually your gut feeling is right, and in this instance, it's pretty clear that he knows you've got some worries about him, which SHOULD mean that he's doing all he can to make sure you don't worry - which he very clearly isn't doing.

The fact that you're becoming jealous only shows your commitment and love for this man who finds it oh so difficult to give you the same back.

If I was you, I would sit him down and explain everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. Say what you wrote on here, and if he still takes no notice and does nothing to dispell the tension, then he's not worth it. This dumb girl who he claims he's not interested in is welcome to him surely? I mean, you need someone who worships the ground you walk on, and you should never have to worry about his wandering eye. I understand that relationships have rough patches but the effort to push through needs to come from both sides, not one.

I know for a fact that if he was to be with this other girl, that he'd soon get bored because it would no longer be 'a bit of fun'. You say he has previously slept with her? I don't mean to put ideas in your head but I would be interested to know if anything has happened during your relationship as well.

You are worth more than this, go with your gut instinct. Life is way too short to be caught up on guys that can't commit to one girl. Don't become a door mat.

Much love and best wishes.

Hey,

I know that in a lot of relationships, the females are automatically called 'psycho' if anything is brought up on more than one occassion. However, if the person on the end of this so called psycho behaviour actually listened and tried to come to an agreement, it would never have got to the stage for it to become a massive issue.

Thank you!!!!! I hate that so much and I constantly worry that even though I am hurt by something I can't say anything otherwise I will just be the jealous psycho b****. And I think you've hit on something key. I need to stop letting this hurt me so much. If he doesn't show me the respect, love - and trust! (as he apparently doesn't seem to trust me enough to be open about female friendships that supposedly "don't mean anything more than friendship") - that I deserve, then so be it.

I have gone over everything with him so many times now and I don't know if it has helped or made things worse. He keeps telling me that I need to stop rehashing things that happened in the past because I am using them against him like a weapon and we just need to let it go and move forward. I have tried but none of these past things have actually been resolved. Like yesterday again, he is on holiday at his parents (in a different country) and we were texting about random things and he writes "man it is so cold and rainy here, perfect weather for b*ning" - I reply, "ooh I wish I was there!" He replies with "Come, then" and a winky face. Now, when he writes this it always gives me such a kick in the gut because of the time he wrote Daisy the exact same thing. Granted, he didn't tell her that it was b*ning weather, but he told her he was all alone at a beautiful beach about to go swimming, and when she wrote "ooh i wish i was at the beach" he told her to "come on then"... pretty sexually overtoned if you ask me. He insists it was not meant like that. I still don't understand why he wants another woman at a beach with him when he is there with his girlfriend. If Daisy was just a friend, my opinion is he would have written something more like "yeah its awesome here!". Perhaps I am over-analyzing but my gut tells me it is so wrong. I tried to explain how this sexual overtone of the "come, then" hurt me so much that he wrote it to her. He has agreed not to write like that to other women, but I have a feeling he has just added a bullet point on his list of why I am a jealous psycho.

I am confident he hasn't cheated on me by sleeping with anyone else - but for me, texting the way he did with this Daisy girl is so close to cheating it is hard to tell the difference. But he insisted that the sex with her was not fun or good and that he and Daisy both understand they want nothing from each other. So why the flirty texts? Daisy has even sent him flirty selfies of herself - ok she is clothed, but you can see almost all of her boobs her top is so low cut and she is riding a motorbike in the skimpiest shorts and making a kissy face. Not really something you send to male friends if you are not interested in them or don't want them interested in you.

But yeah. Either he begins to treat me more like every partner in a loving relationship deserves, or he is welcome to all those other girls.

Thanks for the great advice, chlobeth

Here is some food for thought for you....

Certain people in our lives are called friends because we click with them, have things in common with them, enjoy their company, BUT we'd never ever want to sleep with them. The sexual chemistry is not present.

Now, your bf has slept with this chic in the past and you don't really even know how long they were hooking up, what happened, who rejected who and for what reason. You can rest assured nobody is going to tell you the truth about it. You also know that he has been actively flirting with her for months. You also saw in person, in your face, that they are not just platonic buddies. This flirting stuff is not just happening when you are fighting or whatever, it's ongoing.

Bottom line is that he may have moved in on you hot and fast, but it has burned out just as fast and your relationship is dead at this point as he not just looking but actively pursuing other options. In your shoes, I'd simply show him the door and be done with him. In the future, beware of the moving hot and fast types. They are rarely emotionally stable people or you will be dealing with a player. Either way, not good for you.

I don't think you are jealous, you seem pretty rational and you are seeing the writing on the wall. I wouldn't flatter this guy with any kind of a cat fight over him. He wants to be free to flirt, cut him loose. He can have all the freedom he wants.

Certain people in our lives are called friends because we click with them, have things in common with them, enjoy their company, BUT we'd never ever want to sleep with them. The sexual chemistry is not present.

 

Now, your bf has slept with this chic in the past and you don't really even know how long they were hooking up, what happened, who rejected who and for what reason. You can rest assured nobody is going to tell you the truth about it.

 

I don't think you are jealous, you seem pretty rational and you are seeing the writing on the wall. I wouldn't flatter this guy with any kind of a cat fight over him. He wants to be free to flirt, cut him loose. He can have all the freedom he wants.

Thanks for this. Like with the other posts this really gives me strength. and you're right. If he wants to flirt go ahead, but not while I'm his girlfriend. Maybe other people our ok with this - and maybe if he showed me a bit more love, I would be too, - but in the current situation I am not.

I agree with you about the friends part too. Obviously they felt chemistry in the past and all I have is his word to go on that he does not have chemistry with her now. Since he felt the need to hide her from me I definitely don't feel so comfortable about it.

Guess what his excuse about writing Daisy the "come then" part is - he just wrote that because he knows she won't/can't come, and because it's short. Oh and he didn't mean it to mean "come", like that, he just wanted to say nyanya, you can't be here but I can, so "come".

Agree he's not ready to be exclusive but likes a steady thing and being a flirt/playing the field. He sounds very immature, how old is he?

Also consider the judgement of someone who drives drunk And texts!. Try not to engage in drunken arguments about girls or in general.

It would be best to change your phone passcode and stop sharing phones. Employ more adult boundaries. happy couples don't need to go through each other's phones. They also don't need to invite rivals over. It accomplishes nothing. She knows and doesn't care that you exist and as you saw it's an ego boost for him.

Instead of fixating on one or two lines or in general, debating what he has said to her, the bigger red flag is how he behaved and how you felt when she did come over for a visit. I think your gut is telling you what you need to know and it's ringing alarm bells for a reason. As for trying to confront him about things....you are fighting a battle you can't win. Of course he will deny to the death and try to wiggle out of it whichever way he can. On top of that, he will simply call you crazy, jealous, etc and will try his best to make you feel like you are the one the in the wrong. It's the greatest mind fck in that respect.

There comes a point where you have to trust your instincts, decide you have enough grounds to end things and then just end them. Most important being that you don't like how he is treating you - that alone is enough. This other woman, the flirting, that's surplus. Remember that ending things is a one sided decision, a decision you make for your own well being even if it doesn't feel good when you are doing it. It is not a debate where the other side gets to have their say so or try to manipulate you.

My hubby has kept text conversations from me in the past. The first time I found out, and they were tepid conversations, I didn't speak to him for days. They stopped communicating. Then, one year later, she reached out to him again. At the point, I took his phone away, and changed his password on Facebook, and was about to divorce him.

We worked it out...but I also have access to everything - everything.

Your boundaries should be respected - no ifs, ands, or buts! He's an insecure and is behaving like a moron.

The compliments thing - eh, give them, and you will find them coming back to you. Just tell him, you and him should be partners, and there are things he should keep between the two of you. Really ask him, "does his relationship with Daisy help strengthen and grown the relationship you have together?" And he can't stop, then you need to give him the heave ho. Life is too short to be with a guy that doesn't treat you like the number one lady in his life. And also doesn't have a number 2 or 3 or 4 lady.

Agree he's not ready to be exclusive but likes a steady thing and being a flirt/playing the field. He sounds very immature, how old is he?

 

Also consider the judgement of someone who drives drunk And texts!. Try not to engage in drunken arguments about girls or in general.

 

It would be best to change your phone passcode and stop sharing phones. Employ more adult boundaries. happy couples don't need to go through each other's phones. They also don't need to invite rivals over. It accomplishes nothing. She knows and doesn't care that you exist and as you saw it's an ego boost for him.

Thanks. You're right, the judgement of someone who drunk-drives is not ok. He doesn't text while drunk driving, but still. And yeah on some things he is quite immature, but turns it around tells me I am being immature. He is 27, and I am 28. Never get involved with younger guys. I should know that by now.

About the phone thing, we don't actively go through each other's phones, I don't find that healthy either. But I feel it shows a level of trust and that you have nothing to hide from each other if you are able to use their phone - and trust each other that you don't go snooping. When I did go through his phone our relationship was in a very unhealthy place, and I had no trust for him. He was calling me crazy and jealous for being mad at him for breaking our promise about being truthful to one another about the important things, and generally had no more interest in me or our relationship, and was glued to that phone. Looking back I should have just given him space, but I had just made the decision to move to another country for him (partly for me too, but I could've gone anywhere, but picked the same country as him) and was really upset with how things seemed to be falling apart.

I invited Daisy over because I wanted to make the effort and stop seeing her as a rival, to get to know her and give her a chance. I thought that maybe if I get to know her I can stop being worried and be as comfortable with her as I am with Katy. Note I did not want to be buds with her. But yeah she doesn't care I exist and yeah its an ego boost for him so it was still a miserable fail!

As for trying to confront him about things....you are fighting a battle you can't win. Of course he will deny to the death and try to wiggle out of it whichever way he can. On top of that, he will simply call you crazy, jealous, etc and will try his best to make you feel like you are the one the in the wrong. It's the greatest mind fck in that respect.

 

There comes a point where you have to trust your instincts, decide you have enough grounds to end things and then just end them. Most important being that you don't like how he is treating you - that alone is enough. This other woman, the flirting, that's surplus. Remember that ending things is a one sided decision, a decision you make for your own well being even if it doesn't feel good when you are doing it. It is not a debate where the other side gets to have their say so or try to manipulate you.

You are so right. I am in the middle of another fight with him and all of your words here have helped me so much! He keeps trying to turn it around on me and says he hates how he, a man who has never cheated and has no other women, has to argue more than a man who is constantly cheating and that this conversation is done and that if I can't trust him I should break up with him. Suddenly the truth comes out. Oh yeah and me being worried that he can't say I love you anymore is also a deal breaker - I'm pushing him to much -- I waited three months to bring it up because I'm at the point where if I am happy and want to say I love you I feel ashamed of myself. And also totally unworthy since I am never perfect enough for him to say I love you to. Argh.

I have, but only after hours of fighting, and crying on my part. He appears to find it very hard to apologise for anything because he sees it as being an admittance of being the one at fault. Eye roll. I think I've almost gotten him to realize saying "I'm sorry I hurt you" or "I'm sorry I made you feel that way" is not an admittance of fault and in my opinion something extremely important in a relationship. Similar to what Rebecca replied above he sometimes just shuts down in fights as well and gives up. Don't know if it's because he feels bad but can't say it? Really lame but I hope it's that and not what it comes across as - i.e. that he doesn't care.

My boyfriend is the same exact way when I get hurt by something he does. I will try to talk to him about it, teary eyed and irritated(because it is something that happens all the time), but as soon as he sees I am sad and irritated at him he shuts down. He wont look at me, he walks away from me when I am talking, he will go on his phone and distract himself with videos, he will do anything to get away from me. When I do get him to respond to me he will rarely say sorry. He will usually say its my fault, I am over reacting, he didn't mean to hurt me so because I am hurt it is on me so I need to get over it. Whatever he can say to take the blame off of him. We have talked about why he does what he does, because it obviously makes the situation worse when he shuts down like that and acts like he could care less. He has told me it is really hard for him to see that he has hurt me so it is easiest for him to do whatever he can to get away from the argument and distract himself. He hates feeling sad or guilty so he jumps to the first thing that can take his mind off of it and make himself happy. He told me he knows it is not good for him to do that. He hasn't changed it yet though, but I have a feeling that is something that will be very hard to change because that is their coping mechanism

Neither of your boyfriends sound amazing. You can explain behavior away as a coping mechanism, but that doesn't mean it's healthy to be in a relationship with someone who has a coping mechanism that hurts you and escalates fights.

You are so right. I am in the middle of another fight with him and all of your words here have helped me so much! He keeps trying to turn it around on me and says he hates how he, a man who has never cheated and has no other women, has to argue more than a man who is constantly cheating and that this conversation is done and that if I can't trust him I should break up with him. Suddenly the truth comes out. Oh yeah and me being worried that he can't say I love you anymore is also a deal breaker - I'm pushing him to much -- I waited three months to bring it up because I'm at the point where if I am happy and want to say I love you I feel ashamed of myself. And also totally unworthy since I am never perfect enough for him to say I love you to. Argh.

...That last bit in particular sounds awful....

So he is basically using "I love you" like a manipulative weapon against you and it's working, because it's making you feel awful about yourself. I'm sorry but the more you are posting, the more it seems like there are much bigger and more serious problems in this relationship than just flirting. Perhaps it really is time to quit arguing and just tell him that it is over, it's not working for you and send him packing. You might find that ending things will actually feel like a dark clouding lifting off your head.

My hubby has kept text conversations from me in the past. The first time I found out, and they were tepid conversations, I didn't speak to him for days. They stopped communicating. Then, one year later, she reached out to him again. At the point, I took his phone away, and changed his password on Facebook, and was about to divorce him.

 

We worked it out...but I also have access to everything - everything.

 

Your boundaries should be respected - no ifs, ands, or buts! He's an insecure and is behaving like a moron.

 

The compliments thing - eh, give them, and you will find them coming back to you. Just tell him, you and him should be partners, and there are things he should keep between the two of you. Really ask him, "does his relationship with Daisy help strengthen and grown the relationship you have together?" And he can't stop, then you need to give him the heave ho. Life is too short to be with a guy that doesn't treat you like the number one lady in his life. And also doesn't have a number 2 or 3 or 4 lady.

I do give compliments to him, and they are natural and not forced, and because I genuinely like something or am happy. But I never hear one, or anything positive about me, back. Not even thanks for dinner, it was good. Not even, nice but a bit salty! Even that would be nice. You're right that life is too short.

He hasn't changed it yet though, but I have a feeling that is something that will be very hard to change because that is their coping mechanism

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am really hoping that that is what the issue is here. He tells me I get upset because I want to be perfect but really I think he is beyond even that where like your boyfriend, he can't face how much he has hurt me because it hurts him too much. He definitely has control issues too and interprets many things the wrong way, which I think go along the line of not being able to be wrong because then you're a worse person. A twisted form of perfectionism maybe. For example he detests being forced to do anything because how dare you tell him what to do. Nevermind that you're not telling him what to do, but telling him you don't understand why he never tells you he loves you anymore.

Have just stopped fighting with him for the night and it's basically because of you guys that I've been pulling through this better than ever before. Have just had a long chat with his brother too - we all live in the same apartment, and he has helped me see clarity a bit too. He is very much a proponent of you need to trust each other otherwise you shouldn't be in a relationship, but he pointed several things out to me that I have just been accepting of that he feels I shouldn't be ok with.

You can explain behavior away as a coping mechanism, but that doesn't mean it's healthy to be in a relationship with someone who has a coping mechanism that hurts you and escalates fights.

Yes. You are oh so right. And this is the exact reason why I have turned to this forum - you get so blinded by the person they are with you during good times that you start explaining away things. And you try hang on to your love but to be honest I am a bit scared of what is to come if I keep hanging on. Like he smashed a chair on a table we and some friends were sat at once because myself and our friend Katy felt uncomfortable with him horsing around violently and tried to get him to stop, and he saw that as an attempt to control his actions. The table was full of glasses and plates and glass and ceramic shards flew everywhere. He stormed off into our room after giving everyone a wildly angry look... He still hasn't apologised for that and its been about a month.

...That last bit in particular sounds awful....

 

So he is basically using "I love you" like a manipulative weapon against you and it's working, because it's making you feel awful about yourself. I'm sorry but the more you are posting, the more it seems like there are much bigger and more serious problems in this relationship than just flirting. Perhaps it really is time to quit arguing and just tell him that it is over, it's not working for you and send him packing. You might find that ending things will actually feel like a dark clouding lifting off your head.

Yeah I guess I didn't know what to title my thread, we have so many issues. I thought it all boiled down to him betraying my trust with text-flirting with another woman, but the more I work through it with all of you, and his brother, and him - the more I realise that there are more serious underlying issues that have always been there. He is definitely using the "I love you" as a manipulative weapon. Even his brother sees it that way I've been able to gain a lot of perspective on some important things and will sit down with him when he gets back at the end of this month and seriously discuss the future of our relationship. Either he can start being conscientious of others, ESPECIALLY me, or we need to go our separate ways, as impossible to be able to do as that feels for me right now.