Advice: on telling people about my age gap relationship

Hey all,

I am 20 years old and I have been dating a guy 27 years older then me for about a year now. We have told several close friends each about our relationship but have now decided that we are going to tell his parents and our coworkers. My boyfriend is our small town( read 150 people) fire chief and I am one of the volunteers plus do a lot of the administrative work. We are looking for ideas and suggestions on how to tell family and the other volunteer firefighters. We wish to do this in a way that minimizes its negative impact on the fire department. We are very professional when at work and try to not let our relationship effect work at all.

How long have you been with this guy? I was once with a guy who was 18 years older than, so I know telling people about the age difference can be tough. There is no way to sugarcoat this to your families, if you guys are really in love and this relationship is going somewhere then you just need to tell them.There are some people who will not be okay with this b/c 27 years is a huge age gap, however you need to just tell them together and get it over with, b/c there will never be a right time to spill the beans

We have been together a little over a year.

I'm not sure what--if any--policies the fire department has in place, but hopefully he's not putting his position in jeopardy.

Other than that--look, your relationship is odd, there are no two ways about it. And in a town of 150 people will probably talk. I don't think there is any special way that you two can announce this that is going to stop people from having their opinions about it. But you are both adults who are completely free to pursue this relationship, so I would simply be direct and then have thick skins.

He is more than a quarter of a century older than you and in a position of authority. Unless you are in a community where age gaps that big are a norm, there is no way to tell this without some eyebrows raising. His parents will probably be ok in time but some colleagues will talk no matter what. Is he popular in the department? If yes, that in itself may minimize the impact. And what about your parents? Do they know? Because they are the ones who whould probably put up the most resistance. When you are 40, he is going to be 67. Most parents/people would not view that as ideal and would wonder about his ethics...

In a small town, I'd be very surprised if people didn't already know. Dating a year, volunteer around the community together - yup, they know. But it's not so easy to find volunteers.

I'd avoid a big announcement and stick to small face to faces with a few select people. Word will spread that it's 'official'.

I'm guessing people already know what's going on.

If it's a relationship you both enjoy and believe in, just own it. No matter how you spring the news, the age gap isn't going to get any smaller, so instead of announcing the relationship from a point of fear and approval seeking, you just own it and tell it like it is. This guy is making you happy, and you two see a future together. It is what it is, and whoever doesn't like it will have to deal.

Be prepared to be gossiped about and judged, because that's what people do, but what alternative do you have? Keep it a secret forever?

How are your parents going to react knowing a prospective son in law will be much older than they are? Of course, it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks as long as you are happy. But if my younger sister told our family that she is in a serious relationship with a guy who is 27 years older, I could never accept that. The fire chief of all people and with a volunteer, that sounds incredibly unprofessional not to mention bizarre. Sorry, but thats my honest opinion.

Why the big announcement? Don't bring your personal life into the workplace. As far as family, simply invite let him invite you over for dinner.

I am 20 years old and I have been dating a guy 27 years older then me for about a year now. we are going to tell his parents and our coworkers.

Unless you are engaged or about to get married, there should be no announcements in the workplace. You need to continue to keep it professional and out of sight so to speak. In general, in such a small community, I'd be shocked if people don't already know all about it. However, if you've been keeping things low key and staying very professional at work, people will be equally courteous toward you in turning a bit of a blind eye toward it.

As for family, no way to sugar coat it other than have them over for dinner and tell them.

How about you guys tell your parent study you have found someone special and you have been together for a while. And then just live your lives out and about. Im sure people will notice hand holding or you guys sitting on a park bench and it would come out naturally. If someone asks then you can say that yea you are together. Your opinion is the only one that matters. As long as you know the truth about your relationship, it doesn't matter what others think.

Unless you are engaged or about to get married, there should be no announcements in the workplace. You need to continue to keep it professional and out of sight so to speak.

I agree. It's sort of odd for people at work to announce their relationships.

Hey all,

 

I am 20 years old and I have been dating a guy 27 years older then me for about a year now. We have told several close friends each about our relationship but have now decided that we are going to tell his parents and our coworkers. My boyfriend is our small town( read 150 people) fire chief and I am one of the volunteers plus do a lot of the administrative work. We are looking for ideas and suggestions on how to tell family and the other volunteer firefighters. We wish to do this in a way that minimizes its negative impact on the fire department. We are very professional when at work and try to not let our relationship effect work at all.

I would not announce anything in the workplace. People probably already know. Or they are keeping quiet about that knowledge. Or maybe they don't know. But if you do tell, you may have to stepdown from your administrative role if its a paid role or there may be chatter about favoritism. You may not try to let your relationship affect others at work, but it may look at the two of you in a different light - or the local busybodies will spread rumors that you are underage.

Have his parents met you in another capacity (they came to firehouse open house day and met you but didn't know you were dating?) Also, how did your parents react about it?

So the reason we are planning on telling coworkers is we are a small department less then 20 volunteers and we are all friends outside of the work place- lots of going to each other parties, celebrating holidays etc- very much like a family. We are talking about engagement though not for awhile yet and we felt it would be better that people know we are dating for awhile before springing an fragment on them. My parents do not know yet and I am in a very negative relationship with them already to the point I am considering cutting them out of my life. They dislike my chosen career and do not like the fire department i am with. They will react very badly but that is already something we have anticipated. His parents live next door and know I help out around the house and spend time. They seem to like me just not sure how they will react to us dating. His mom can be very judgmental.

We are talking about engagement though not for awhile yet and we felt it would be better that people know we are dating for awhile before springing an engagement on them.

I just don't see how that makes sense. We don't normally prep people for a possible future engagement.

Just come out of the closet.

I would be more worried about dating a boss than I would about a few years difference. But to answer your question, if people ask just tell them, and don't elaborate.

I would be more worried about dating a boss than I would about a few years difference. But to answer your question, if people ask just tell them, and don't elaborate.

I understood that he is us not actually her boss? He works at the fire department but she is a volunteer so to her it is a hobby. Or did I misunderstand?

He is more than twice her age. That's not "a few years difference". He could have been her father.

OP, no matter how bad the relationship is with your parents, they will rightly struggle with this. You were barely out of your teens when he got with you and he was middle-aged. To a third party, the maturity, experience and life-stage imbalance in this situation doesn't foretell a promising future. Just make sure that you are doing this for the right reasons and not using him as a substitute for your family. Whatever you decide, just make sure that you don't let this relationship stunt your personal growth.

Hey all,

 

I am 20 years old and I have been dating a guy 27 years older then me for about a year now. We have told several close friends each about our relationship but have now decided that we are going to tell his parents and our coworkers. My boyfriend is our small town( read 150 people) fire chief and I am one of the volunteers plus do a lot of the administrative work. We are looking for ideas and suggestions on how to tell family and the other volunteer firefighters. We wish to do this in a way that minimizes its negative impact on the fire department. We are very professional when at work and try to not let our relationship effect work at all.

I totally get this - I am married my wife is almost 10 years older than me, - we split up for a time and I dated a girl 18 years younger than me. If it feels right for you both go for it - BUT.... Keep work out of it, - trust me, I had my career put on hold and sidelined as a result of my changes at home, - and the judgements on the age gap was immense. You'll have enough life obstacles like babies and maturity boundaries, you don't need your colleagues chipping in every 5 minutes.

If you are asked directly and want to answer do what feels right for you, but don't advertise it - hope that helps.

He is more than twice her age. That's not "a few years difference". He could have been her father.

 

OP, no matter how bad the relationship is with your parents, they will rightly struggle with this. You were barely out of your teens when he got with you and he was middle-aged. To a third party, the maturity, experience and life-stage imbalance in this situation doesn't foretell a promising future. Just make sure that you are doing this for the right reasons and not using him as a substitute for your family. Whatever you decide, just make sure that you don't let this relationship stunt your personal growth.

lol, I read it quickly. I thought he was 27 and she was 20, not 27 years older. Still, he's the chief and she's a volunteer. She's in his chain of command.