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Boyfriend Forgot We Had Kinky Sex?


mcnugget

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I don’t know how else to say this, but my boyfriend doesn’t remember that we have had kinky sex. I’m incredibly hurt by this and trying to sort out how I should be feeling.

 

We’ve been together for 9+ months and spend a lot of time together. We’re very affectionate and physical. He travels frequently and sometimes during his trips we communicate about fantasies. We talked about a shared fantasy for months before enjoying it together. It wasn’t anything too insane, but there were definitely some extras (lingerie, candles, toys, etc). We had such a good time that we repeated the experience more than once. At least I thought we both had a good time…

 

Last night he made me a nice dinner a poured me a glass of wine then he remarked that we had never done that thing we talked about… I was floored. Yes, we have! We’ve done it several times! He has zero recollection. Nothing I have said has jogged his memory. He does not believe it has happened. I can even name the occasions, but poof… no memory. I’m that unmemorable? I’m feeling really crappy right now. It makes me not want to have sex with him. We had sex 3 times last night and I tried to be into it, but I just felt disengaged. If fulfilling his fantasy is that forgettable then imagine how ho-hum he must feel our daily sex life is. I've asked him before if he's happy with it and if there is anything we could do to improve it and he says that he's happy.

 

I'm looking for help sorting out these feelings. I felt like I was extra-sensitive to other things last night because my feelings were hurt. I just kissed and made up and carried on and all is good in the relationship world, but I'm left not really feeling so great.

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He named a specific act. He had been drinking a bit of wine last night, but we have done what he is talking about on more than one occasion. We talked about said act before and after each time. There is no way he was drunk all of the time. Unless he has a problem with alcohol and I really don't know the extent because he functions so well? I didn't want to go into too much detail on here, but it was pretty black and white.

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So you didn't feel like having sex with him, so you had it 3 times with him?

 

Do you think he might be playing a head game to make you feel less powerful in your relationship?

 

I agree with Agent. Sounds like he is playin' some heavy games. That's not ok. Don't allow him to have that power over you. At this point, I would pull far far away. No one deserves that treatment. I'm sorry.

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So you didn't feel like having sex with him, so you had it 3 times with him?

 

Do you think he might be playing a head game to make you feel less powerful in your relationship?

 

I felt like the sex was about me and that he was doing it because he felt bad about forgetting. He was extremely sweet all night and had started off the night very sweet so I tried to get into it and just let my feelings pass.

 

There is definitely some sort of game going on. I have complained that he has no photos of us on social media. His Facebook status shows us as "in a relationship" but when I have tagged him in photos they haven't appeared on his wall. We went on an exotic vacation a month ago and I mentioned that it bothered me so he showed me his view of his wall and all of the photos were displayed. He told me he never bothered to post photos because I was the photographer in the couple. I asked him to update his settings when he got a chance and showed him my view of his profile. A month later and still no photos have appeared on his wall. I reminded him a couple of times, but he wouldn't make the change. This has particularly bothered me as he has encouraged me to post photos and even make a photo of us my profile picture. Last night I got fed up and changed my profile picture to a solo picture of me. He changed his profile picture to a picture of the two of us within an hour!

 

See the thread, "Where Do We Go From Here? I Don't Know If He Loves Me Or When He Will" for more about how he hasn't said I love you and I have never even spoken to his parents. He spends quite a bit of time with my family and has even started inviting my dad to events. He is going to visit his parents this weekend and I am not invited (they live out of state).

 

I know he cares about me and he does put in a lot of effort. He will cook for me, get me massages, watch the movies I want, cuddle with me, dedicate his weekends to me, plan date nights, etc. However, I am less powerful in this relationship.

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He does a lot for you maybe because you are what he has right now? Are you're sure your in the right relationship? You're posting here because your gut says something is wrong. I personally believe your gut. This isn't how a guy acts when he's really into his girlfriend. These are definite red flags you should consider. After breakups, we all wish we better addressed the red flags.

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He does a lot for you maybe because you are what he has right now? Are you're sure your in the right relationship? You're posting here because your gut says something is wrong. I personally believe your gut. This isn't how a guy acts when he's really into his girlfriend. These are definite red flags you should consider. After breakups, we all wish we better addressed the red flags.

 

 

I'm not sure. I could 100% see myself marrying this guy and having kids with him. We get along really well and the actual relationship is great. We're both around 30 and I am his longest relationship (a bit of a flag) so I give him some slack and know some things are due to inexperience. I on the other hand, have had long-term relationships including someone I was on and off with for nearly 10 years and lived with at one point. I am ready to settle down.

 

The relationship generally makes me happy, but I spend a good chunk of my time worrying about if I am ignoring red flags. I can see the signs clearly. It's only 9 months in and we're very happy when we're together so I'm hesitant to just walk away. He's told me that he'll open up when he's ready. I think he would hate to lose me. However, I'm not in my early or mid-twenties anymore. I don't want to just keep ignoring signs and investing my time and emotions to be hurt down the road.

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I think he's playing mind games with you. Sure, if you only done the kinky stuff once and he forgot, then okay, give him a pass. You said it's a few times. There is NO way he would have forgotten.

 

It sounds to me like he wants to test what he could get away with. As in upset you and see if you will still give him sex. Which you did, 3 times. That proves to him that he has all the power in the relationship. You will still give him sex even if he made you upset.

 

Sorry, but I've heard something similar by my friends, it all boils down to to him wanting to be in control as the relationship progress. He's testing the waters with you to see what he could get away with.

 

It shouldn't matter WHY it upset ted you, the point is, you were upset! Generally, I would have just told him, I'm upset and I'm just going to go home and relax. I wouldn't have sex with him 3 times and pretend that it didn't bother me.

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This is a far out, crazy thought... I know that...

 

Does he have weird mood swings? Obviously, I'm not a psychologist and TV isn't a good source, but is it possible he has a disassociation disorder? Like multiple personalities where he can't remember the events of each personality? Maybe he has a side that enjoys the kinky sex and partakes in it, and another side that just fantasizes about it?

 

Literally just a crazy shot in the dark. I think it's that or he's messing with you...

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I wouldn't take offence, Men can be pretty silly sometimes. Is he having any other memory loss? I had a bad accident in 2011 and totaled my car... and now I can't remember a lot of things. Maybe you should go a head and have the Kinky Sex with him again, ya know; Help him remember how nice it was.

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Lingerie and candles? That doesn't sound very kinky at all. Maybe memorable if all the other sex is in the dark I suppose. Maybe what you thought was an amazing kinky experience was for him just standard fare.

 

I didn't want to get too into the sexual aspect on here, but there were toys and various penetrations and double penetrations. I'm not saying it was anything crazy, but it also was more than completely vanilla. It was something he wrote to me about in detail for 2 months. We usually have sex with all of the lights on. This was candlelight sex in new lingerie and after he had been gone for 2 weeks. We repeated the experience a few times within a few weeks of that and haven't brought it up since. We used to use toys frequently, but I think he felt he was being replaced by them so he kind of retired them and I haven't wanted to ask for them.

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just a fictitious and tangential wild idea- is it possible this is something he has done with someone else as well? and thought he did it with someone else but not you?

 

could there be...someone else?

 

 

 

though my guess would be it's alcohol related too, or he truly is playing games with this.

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I think he's playing mind games with you. Sure, if you only done the kinky stuff once and he forgot, then okay, give him a pass. You said it's a few times. There is NO way he would have forgotten.

 

It sounds to me like he wants to test what he could get away with. As in upset you and see if you will still give him sex. Which you did, 3 times. That proves to him that he has all the power in the relationship. You will still give him sex even if he made you upset.

 

Sorry, but I've heard something similar by my friends, it all boils down to to him wanting to be in control as the relationship progress. He's testing the waters with you to see what he could get away with.

 

It shouldn't matter WHY it upset ted you, the point is, you were upset! Generally, I would have just told him, I'm upset and I'm just going to go home and relax. I wouldn't have sex with him 3 times and pretend that it didn't bother me.

 

 

I really don't know if he's doing this on purpose or how he forgot.

 

When I saw him last night everything was fine, but he was surprised at how quickly I got into sweats. He didn't say anything about us not having sex, but I could tell he was surprised I didn't want it especially with him going out of town again this morning. This morning he was talking about the numerous bachelor parties he will be going to this summer and I commented that if he could "forget" what we did when he was sober then I should be really worried about what else he could "forget" during these drunken strip club filled weekends in Vegas. He asked if he was supposed to remember every time we have sex and I told him that only the more special times. I gave him the example of some great vacation sex we had recently and he said he would probably end up forgetting.

 

He makes little jabs all the time to maintain power. He doesn't ever directly insult me, but he'll tease me about being clingy, say things to make me feel stupid, talk to me like a child, or joke that my place is in the kitchen. Our professional backgrounds are very different, but we've both been successful. I've had to take some time off due to health problems and his career pays a bit more than mine. He is in a better place than I am financially. We both went to state schools and have degrees at the same level. I believe our intellects and looks are well matched. We both have married parents and close friends who are settling down and we get along well with each other's friends.

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just a fictitious and tangential wild idea- is it possible this is something he has done with someone else as well? and thought he did it with someone else but not you?

 

could there be...someone else?

 

 

 

though my guess would be it's alcohol related too, or he truly is playing games with this.

 

Nothing is impossible. I've been cheated on before.

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just a fictitious and tangential wild idea- is it possible this is something he has done with someone else as well? and thought he did it with someone else but not you?

 

could there be...someone else?

 

 

 

though my guess would be it's alcohol related too, or he truly is playing games with this.

 

The only thing that keeps me from thinking this is the case is that I believe when I said it was me he would have just said, "Ohhhh.... I remember." I've tried to jog his memory. The other night I told him about one of the times on a sofa and this morning he said that he vaguely remembers on the sofa, but he thinks he came prematurely so he doesn't believe there was penetration.

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If he makes jabs all the time, maybe he's messing with your mind.

 

He sounds quite mean. Are you ok with that in the long run?

 

I don't even know that he means to make the jabs. They're all done in a sweet tone. He texts me when he gets to work in the morning (even if I've just left his house), will have dinner waiting for me if I've had a stressful day, he always wants me to be cuddling with him when we're watching TV, he'll spend hours just rubbing my head to make me feel good, he'll order tickets in advance for movies I want to see, brunches, or make reservations weeks out for for resturants I want to try.

 

My comfort is influencing his lease renewal. We are comfortable with things now, but we aren't ready to move in together now. A friend his is going through a divorce and suggested they move to a bigger place together, but it would involve extra people and having kids part of the time. My bf said it would save him a ton of money, but he knows it would be uncomfortable for me as I spend so much time at his place right now and things are so nice currently. He asked if I would be ok with him occasionally renting out his spare room to some male co-workers that will be traveling for long trips this summer. I believe he really does care about me and my feelings. If he is playing games, I don't even know that he is doing so consciously.

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