Husband's ex

I have severe hatred towards my Husband's ex. It seems to effect my daily life and considering he has a child with her we have to deal with her a lot. She has really neglected her daughter sometimes...always focusing on her new relationships with men over the years. She has another child with someone else and is now married to a different man. We have my stepdaughter more, yet she acts like she is mother of the year. On several occasions through these couple years she has also tried to sleep with my husband and has sent old photos and text messages of their relationship etc. I don't know how to let all this go. I'm so angry it eats at my soul. Any advice?

Let the father and the mother handle this whether you disapprove of, dislike, etc. the mother. Don't put the child in the middle and discuss things with your husband, not his ex.

 

The problem is your husband not the child or the ex. Get marriage counseling if you want to hold this together.

I have severe hatred towards my Husband's ex.We have my stepdaughter more

On several occasions through these couple years she has also tried to sleep with my husband and has sent old photos and text messages of their relationship etc.

and what has your husband done about that?

 

considering he has a child with her we have to deal with her a lot.

"we"? "a lot"? how so? other than short conversations regarding co-parenting, that are to be carried out between him and her and with no involvement of yours, there shouldn't be any "dealing with her" at all, certainly none dealing with her for you. how does this woman's involvement come about, and can you be more specific what it's like?

 

as to her playing saintly mother, meh, who cares. if you're thinking about how she acts in her own time, her own life, you're thinking about her too much. you're either overly insecure, or hubs is doing something that warrants concern and needs to be settled between you and him, or both.

 

it would help to have specifics.

I'm not asking advice on Co parenting. I'm asking for advice on how to rid yourself of anger and hatred so co parenting is easier. Trust me...being a step parent IS very involved.

we are only asking because it depends on what makes you angry. it's one thing if your anger has to do with only your insecurity and jealousy and nothing else, and a different matter altogether if your husband doesn't have clear boundaries with his ex. that would make anyone angry. irreparably.

Therapy. Your rage is displaced on to her from your husband's lame and passive aggressive approach to everything. Your rage and jealously toward her are generated by poor communication, your anger at your husband and a failing marriage.

Do you trust your husband or are you afraid he will go back and try to reunite the family? If you do trust him then just let it go. Let him handle it and trust him to do so

I'm not asking advice on Co parenting. I'm asking for advice on how to rid yourself of anger and hatred so co parenting is easier. Trust me...being a step parent IS very involved.

 

It's a difficult issue to resolve because it involves you becoming brutally honest with yourself in terms of identifying the true sources or your anger issues. For example, are you angry because you are doing the whole job of being a real mother to your stepdaughter, but do not get any credit or so much as a thank you for that, while the biological mother takes all the credit while doing nothing much? For the example's sake, let's say that's true. So now that you've identified your source, what do you do about it? How do you fix it? No easy way, because the only fix is to change your perception. In other words, why are you being a great mother to that child? Is it purely because you want appreciation or is it because that's the right thing to do and in the long run, your satisfaction will stem from the child's success in life? I mean sure, in the short term, a thank you is nice, but you can't make people, so you have to change your perspective and find that satisfaction within yourself.

 

Anger is complicated, because it stems from many internal things - emotions, sensitivities, perceptions, expectations going unmet, guilt, etc, etc, etc. Anger is kind of a symptom of underlying issues. If it's eating you up, consider seeking counseling not as in anger management, but counseling to help you dig down to the real reasons for the anger and how to fix/cope with those reason in a better way or eliminate them entirely.